Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

If your MIL offered free childcare what would you be grateful for ?

53 replies

Howtodothisproperly · 29/10/2024 15:46

Health permitting I want to offer this to my Ds and dil. They have been contemplating starting a family but childcare is looking like a huge cost they won’t be able to cover so have said they just can’t even consider it yet . They seem down about it.

Im aware that MILs can be problematic and I don’t want to be so I was looking for opinions !

If this was offered to you would you prefer the childcare to be in your home or MIL home?
Would you appreciate housework done too if at your house or would that feel ?intrusive ?patronising. I wouldn’t want to overstep but equally want to be helpful.

I don’t want to make the offer and seem pushy either in a ‘I want a grandchild’ way if that makes sense.

Any advice welcome

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 29/10/2024 19:06

I would say nothing and if they ever get pregnant raise the subject then

justjuggling · 29/10/2024 23:18

You sound a very kind and considerate Mum/MIL.

My parents were brilliant about supporting with childcare and both viewed it as a privilege to spend the time with their granddaughters. They wouldn’t take a penny and preferred to have them at their house where they could have their own ‘stuff’ for them e.g. high chair, toys, buggy etc. They did regular days per week around my working pattern.

I was a single parent from my girls being 5 & 8 and they stepped up - attending school plays and sports days if I couldn’t get there, picking up from school and doing homework before providing tea, going on school trips and taking the girls on holiday during half term etc. I remain hugely grateful but they never babysat for an evening or at the weekend which meant life as a single mum (no input from girls’ dad) meant very little time for myself, friends etc.

My girls are now 16 and 19. They still go for tea at my parents twice a week simply because they want to see their grandparents!

Your son and DIL will be appreciative of whatever you can offer. Tell them you’ll help out when the time comes and then step away from the conversation until there’s an actual baby to plan around.

🙂

Tourmalines · 30/10/2024 00:04

starbat · 29/10/2024 16:46

I don't think you should offer help financially specifically with nursery fees, because it could create resentment from you towards them if you see them spending on something "unnecessary" (in your eyes) after they've said they're broke. If you want to save up wages and give a one-off lump sum gift (even if it ends up being a series of one-off gifts) then do that, with no strings attached. Saying you'll pay for nursery fees is you attaching conditions to the money. At the end of the day you're not going to know what they see as essential versus luxury, what their definition of "broke" is and whether that holiday/new carpet/car came out of your "nursery fees" gifted money or their wages. It all ends up amounting to the same thing though - judgement and resentment - so don't go there, just gift them if you want to gift them and let them live their life however they see fit.

I'd not offer full time permanent childcare either on the grounds it isn't practical. Offer on a one-off basis (even if it ends up being a series of one-offs) if DC is sick, they want to go on holiday by themselves, other childcare has let them down etc if you want to and are able to at that moment in time. That's genuinely helpful.

Signing yourself up for full time childcare is guaranteed to create problems. Either they'll come to rely on it, taking you for granted, treating you as staff and maybe feeling resentful that it isn't all exactly how they'd like it to be. Or you'll quickly realised that 35hrs a week childcare is gruelling at your age and you can't do it. Especially when "full time" turns out to be not 35hrs you envisioned, but 48hrs standard plus commute and overtime.

It'll also hugely impact your relationship when something inevitably goes wrong. The moment you have a health issue and need their help and support will be the exact moment they're most unable to give it, because they're suddenly frantically busy scrabbling around for childcare/juggling it themselves on top of all their usual commitments.

Offering to do all school runs will get old quickly as you realise just how restricted your day is when you never get a lie in because you're collecting DC at 7.30-8am for the school drop off in rush hour traffic, don't get home after drop off until 9.30-10am, then have to leave at 1.30pm to be back at the school for 2pm just to get a decent parking spot while you wait until 3.30pm for them to come out. You're imagining a couple of peaceful, unhurried, half hour round trips at each end of the day, but it ends up taking up more time than that in reality and feels like one big rush and hassle.

Edited

I agree with everything here . So much good advise .

Flip

1 2 3