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I interrupt too much and am too opinionated, how do I stop

81 replies

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 00:00

Just that, I don't like myself doing it but can hear the thoughts tumbling out of my mouth and can't seem to stop. I'm in my early 50's fgs.

OP posts:
Rigatone · 27/10/2024 08:55

I do this OP! And dislike it about myself. I think I am controlling it a bit better the older I get (mid 40s) but it's hard and I'm still not great at it.

I have noticed some ADHD traits in myself but not bothered about getting diagnosed. I am keeping a happy enough life and career together as I am and wouldn't want to take medication (already take meds for a physical health thing and don't want more, not because I'm against medication at all.)

I am reading a book called Surrounded by Idiots (offputting title! Try to ignore) about 4 personality types labelled in colours red/ blue/ yellow/ green. It such an eye opener , I am 100% yellow, it makes so much sense, it explains what I do and why and it's helping me process a few things that have gone wrong for me at work. Highly recommend.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 27/10/2024 08:58

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 00:09

I wondered if I could learn techniques to try and stop. Surely my own head should be able to control what comes out of my mouth though 🤦‍♀️

I’m sure you can learn techniques. One suggestion: experiment with listening very carefully to what the other person is saying and rather than noting that you disagree, say ‘do you mean you think… ‘ and repeat back what they said. Then ask more questions. You could ask your children to practice with you.

Corinthiana · 27/10/2024 08:59

You can modify your behaviour. You don't need a label, you just need to work on your social and communication skills. There's some good advice on here. Listen more carefully. Pause before you speak. Reflect on what's being said. Just change what is habitual.
At least you've recognised a problem and want to change!

July24MJ · 27/10/2024 09:05

This has been a fascinating read, thanks all.

Its not something I'd be worried about doing myself (I think!) ... but am very conscious of one friend in particular who always seems to have interrupt, finish / second-guess the end of your story and always has an opinion. The poster who mentioned the correcting the irrelevant 70 to 50 miles away stories ... i recognise that too.

The "always having an opinion" extends to "always being first / best" or conversely, worst. Life's a competition.
It now also extends to commenting on Facebook e.g. local news stories - you wouldn't have had that bad crash in the snow if you'd had winter tyres. Whereas I'm thinking - the benefits of winter tyres is NOT what someone needs to hear RIGHT NOW.

But so many people would say - quite rightly - she's got a heart of gold. I've struggled to reconcile the two, beyond just saying "well none of us are perfect".

The ADHD suggestion makes so much sense; I've been reading up a lot in relation to a work colleague with a recent diagnosis.

Best of luck to those who are going through diagnosis, or working on this themselves.

Smartiepants79 · 27/10/2024 09:09

Being opinionated is ok I think BUT how you express those opinions and your acceptance of other people’s opinions is the issue.
Interrupting and talking over others is not ok.
Stating your opinions as fact and making it sound like everyone else is a fool for thinking otherwise is also bad.
If you are aware that you’re doing it I can’t understand why you can’t moderate yourself.
What about a standing agreement with family that if you start they are allowed to point it out and stop you with no hard feelings?

Crystalmountain · 27/10/2024 09:13

My DH is like this, talking across people, his opinion is more valid than anyone else's, never seems to listen to anyone, just waits to jump in.
We have been together nearly 50 years and he's never had friends, as his attitude drives them away. I have actually seen people dodge out of his way, to avoid him.

Having said that he is genuinely a lovely person and will help anyone at the drop of a hat, (he is very practical) but he HAS to lecture them about the right way to say, put up a shelf, so tiring.

I am always wary at social events as he has no filter, I always say, "Please say the second thing that comes into your head, not the first".
Love him to bits though!!!

rickyrickygrimes · 27/10/2024 09:16

My mum does not have ADHD but she is fairly insecure, and as a result always, always has to be right. If anything goes wrong, it's never her fault - someone gave her duff information, someone else didn't do what she expected them to do, some one else moved the X to the Y. 'Normal' for her is always, always her normal.

YY to correcting minor, irrelevant details in stories that other people are telling.

It's quite infuriating. I tend to over-react to it these days (I don't see her that often) and then feel bad for biting her head off. @Itsalemon if your children have managed to express this to you in a way that doesn't make you get defensive, and blame them for you feeling bad, then well done to them - and to you for listening, accepting and seeking advice.

rickyrickygrimes · 27/10/2024 09:22

Just to give another perspective, I should also say that I do act this way from time to time: I'm deaf and wear hearing aids. In groups / noisy environments I don't always follow the conversation well and I do butt in and speak over people, often by accident- I genuinely won't hear a quiet speaker sometimes. My youngest DS is very quietly spoken and I have to make a real effort not to talk over him at home, round the dinner table. DH is good at pulling me up on this, and I don't mind it being pointed out - no matter the reason, it's not good to speak over people and interrupt. I also apologise to hil when I do it.

I think also when I get nervous I tend to try and control the conversation because it's the only way I can be sure that I know what's going on. I'm conscious of it, and try not to do it: you're much more likely to find me having a one-to-one in a corner these days, where I can keep up, rather than trying to join in big group conversations.

Rigatone · 27/10/2024 09:22

I just remembered something else that might help with your kids OP. A code word system to help identify and give gentle chances to amend your behaviour as it happens. It's helped me so much:

My mum and I had a lot of problems with my mum repeating herself and me getting annoyed by it. It's not a memory issue or dementia- it was her habit in conversations to tell stories that she found it enjoyable to tell, without thinking first whether she had already told them or not. She would just merrily jump in with her stories for the fun of telling them. After the third or fourth time I would snap and then she would be upset at my rudeness.

Anyway after a massive row on holiday- we invented a system with a code word (the code word is strawberry) and we agreed that if she launched into a repeated story i could calmly say "strawberry" and she would move on and not tell the story again. We have reduced our spats by about 80%, the whole family has noticed the improvement.

NowImNotDoingIt · 27/10/2024 09:30

Conscious monologue in your head to guide you. This will take practice. Sam is still talking I have to wait until he is done. Wait 2 seconds and see if anyone else interjects or he just stopped for breath. Do I really have to say this? Do I have to say it now?

BunnyLake · 27/10/2024 09:43

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 00:09

I wondered if I could learn techniques to try and stop. Surely my own head should be able to control what comes out of my mouth though 🤦‍♀️

I can have a tendency to interrupt so sometimes I’m literally saying in my head, don’t speak just listen, do not speak’.

I saw a friend last week I hadn’t seen for a while, I really enjoyed it but on my way home I kept worrying that maybe I’d interrupted her (I don’t know if I did).

Dartwarbler · 27/10/2024 10:04

I think this is quite common frankly. Yep I’m one of those. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are ADHD ! Sometimes it goes with people who are, oddly it might seem, “highly sensitised people”. They’re peop,eg that have actually very large levels of empathy and tune into what people are saying in an anticipatory way more than others. Add to that it often is more prevalent in introverts, who tend to overthink, analyse and have strong inner opinions on things, you get this over sharing.

it is annoying and disrespectful though in how it comes across. I find the higher the stakes and more passion about something I have the worse I could be. I learnt tactics as a manager when I was working…my team were very good at helping me learn to give them time to express themselves. But people can only do that if they feel safe saying to you how you make them feel. And to do that you need to express your vulnerabilities to others. Say stuff, like “of god, I’m really sorry I just realised I interrupted you” , explain to people why you do it and re continues its not a good thing, enlist their help in short cuts to make you stop- a touch on your arm, a (gentle) kick under the table when you start in a group setting, a phrase they can use that doesn’t come across as personal criticism…enlisting people to help you improve can (not always) make them feel positive that you are trying to improve and you trust them to enlist their help. It is a learnt behaviour to undo it…it’ll never be something you do naturally, but you can massively improve and being more open with people in saying you are aware it’s annoying helps them.

rememebr, everyone has their faults, no one is perfect. This is one of “your weaknesses”… there’s worse things, and you have self awareness which is a massive start

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 10:05

Wow thank you so much everyone! I opened the thread this morning quite worried as to the vitriolic comments that might await me! Good advice aplenty and sorry to hear that many of you feel the same, it's not nice hating part of your personality as you're hating part of yourself in reality.

I do have lots of long term friends thankfully and none of them have ever mentioned anything and a lot of them are quite strong characters which I do like. I think I'm worse with my family really, I suppose you are more the 'real' you with immediate family but I still came away last night thinking I have got to get a handle on this.

OP posts:
halloumidippers · 27/10/2024 10:21

Sounds like adhd as the others have said. Either that or you're a narcissist.... that's the other one google will tell you although if you were you wouldn't be seeking advice on here ;-)
Try actively establishing boundaries asking people "do you want my take on that or do you just need me to listen"

Bernadinetta · 27/10/2024 10:33

My DP sometimes (luckily affectionately!) says it’s like I have no inner monologue- whatever thought pops into my head must come out, fairly immediately.

autienotnaughty · 27/10/2024 11:43

Take up meditation and mindfulness. By slowing your brain down you will learn to focus

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 11:45

autienotnaughty · 27/10/2024 11:43

Take up meditation and mindfulness. By slowing your brain down you will learn to focus

Good call, my friend called me 'excitable' the other day, I know that's not a compliment 🤐

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/10/2024 11:58

Ahem, medication does not 100% cure it 😅 particularly when it's wearing off it tends to come back. Or if I'm in a state of higher emotion e.g. anxious or excited.

And actually - I do think it is related to having a disorganised inner monologue. I definitely have one, but it's very complicated, a bit like a pub with loads of simultaneous conversations and music in the background. But everything is fleeting and difficult to hold onto. I find it hard to manipulate thoughts in my head, I have to voice them out loud or write them down so I can "look" at them, otherwise they are too quick and they have gone. I can also tend to sort of verbally process things out loud, which sometimes stresses people out because most people don't verbalise the processing part, they just verbalise the conclusion. So if someone doesn't realise I'm processing (and I don't usually realise I'm doing it, so I can't warn them) it can sound like I'm contradicting myself or giving dozens of suggestions when really I'm running through each idea for suitability, but out loud.

Agree with the techniques of reflective listening or asking questions. One thing I picked up from teaching language classes is that a good exercise I used to use in a smaller class (2-4 students) was to get each student in turn to speak on a simple prompt (e.g. what did you do at the weekend?) but the magic was that each other student had to formulate a question to the other while listening, then ask that question. It always produced such interesting dialogue and I do actually use it as a listening technique myself.

Also, I think because I don't have much in the way of brakes/filter, I probably used to ask really intrusive questions as a child and must have been told off for it, because I had this real sense that asking questions was rude and I must never ever do it, I should let people decide whether they feel comfortable bringing up a conversation topic. But that leads to very one-sided conversations where people are asking me questions instead and/or awkward silences that I feel the need to fill, or I wouldn't have a good way to direct the conversation in a direction I'm interested in without just interjecting some random, connected (to me but not necessarily to others) thought. It's basically an immature communication style.

But actually as an adult, I have realised that actually, people also consider it rude if you don't ask questions, it is only intrusive questions which are unwelcome. With a more mature perspective, I DO know what is an intrusive question and so I can ask whatever questions I like because I am unlikely to go over that line accidentally. This has been an utter revelation and has transformed the way I have conversations because I'm actually interested in the response and so I want to listen and not interrupt.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2024 12:00

I have some friends who have such similar thinking styles to me that we can happily talk at/over each other for hours and fully understand each others' conversation 😆I love that, it is great.

But I do have to manually put the brakes on when I spend time with people who don't have the chatterbox brain thing.

BookishType · 27/10/2024 12:08

I have a friend who takes over all conversations, constantly interrupts and lets no one else speak. She’s completely oblivious (and really boring). This means that some of our friendship group avoid her or limit contact and we employ strategies like not sitting next to her or in her eye-line.

The best thing about this is that you’re aware of it and want to change.

Make an effort to ask questions and listen to the answers. Watch how those who are generous in conversation behave and try to emulate them.

NeverSplitTheDifference · 27/10/2024 12:10

peterrabbitontvagain · 27/10/2024 07:52

In the same op and I recently did an online counselling course. It was a free, distant learning level 2 course. Not to be a counsellor but to be a better listener. The skills involved are very useful to everyday life - especially everyday life with teenagers. I can note out myself in ' counselling mode' and keep my mouth shut of opinions and examples from my life. Those I speak with said they felt heard more. When I'm not focused, I return to my normal state but I know what I'm aiming for and I know how to get there. The course was a lot of work but I enjoyed it because it meant a lot to me.

Hi - this sounds great - can you identify the course?

saveforthat · 27/10/2024 12:11

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 00:05

One of my adult children got exasperated with me tonight and told me that it really bothered him and his sibling that I do it. Thing is I know I do, I can hear myself but it's like I'm just an observer, I just can't help but jump in. I've always been argumentative, I wish with all my heart that I was more relaxed and could just sit back and let others speak without always having to jump in.

I'm exactly the same op and I'm older than you. I have learned to reign it in a bit over the years though. Why does everyone have to have a label on mumsnet? I'm definitely not ADHD.

Yalta · 27/10/2024 12:12

Itsalemon · 27/10/2024 00:07

Would I know I was doing it if that was the case?

Absolutely

Having ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t know you are doing something that annoys the f*ck out of people but it means you just can’t stop yourself

And having ADHD means you have opinions on pretty much everything as we have thought about all sorts of stuff, usually at the same time

NeverSplitTheDifference · 27/10/2024 12:18

I recognise this:

”disorganised inner monologue. I definitely have one, but it's very complicated, a bit like a pub with loads of simultaneous conversations and music in the background. But everything is fleeting and difficult to hold onto. I find it hard to manipulate thoughts in my head, I have to voice them out loud or write them down so I can "look" at them, otherwise they are too quick and they have gone. I can also tend to sort of verbally process things out loud, which sometimes stresses people out because most people don't verbalise the processing part, they just verbalise the conclusion. So if someone doesn't realise I'm processing (and I don't usually realise I'm doing it, so I can't warn them) it can sound like I'm contradicting myself or giving dozens of suggestions when really I'm running through each idea for suitability, but out loud.’

Yalta · 27/10/2024 12:19

saveforthat · 27/10/2024 12:11

I'm exactly the same op and I'm older than you. I have learned to reign it in a bit over the years though. Why does everyone have to have a label on mumsnet? I'm definitely not ADHD.

I said the same thing

I was persuaded to go to an assessment by dc who were also getting tested

The more I read up on ADHD, the more I realised that my whole family had ADHD
Even my great grandfather who died years before I was even born and family would talk about was most definitely ADHD

The psychiatrist who came into the reception area to get me for my assessment told me on the way to his room that I have definitely got ADHD the assessment was just to see how much it affected me.

I scored 9/9 in all 4 areas

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