I interrupt too much and am too opinionated, how do I stop

[Itsalemon]

Just that, I don't like myself doing it but can hear the thoughts tumbling out of my mouth and can't seem to stop. I'm in my early 50's fgs.

And this totally relates to the active listening suggestion given above.

Active listening is (as I understand it) literally not intervening with your own opinion at all, just confirming that you've understood what the person has said. ("So you're saying that it was really difficult when you had to confront your boss like that," "so that was a big relief" etc). I've mainly used this technique with kids, because it's about simply hearing their problems and following them as they work out the solution to them. Really to do active listening you need to commit the time and patience to hear someone out and empathise/validate their feelings. I don't attempt it when I'm short of time or not in the right mental state, but when I do it's fucking brilliant! They solve their own problems and all I do is act as a sounding board for that process.

However, I think it's unrealistic to be just a mirror for someone in all situations, they might be a friend who actually wants to hear your take. But I think the key is tuning in to when someone wants to speak and might have a point they are getting to but along a pathway. You might hear something really interesting and memorable if you let them do their relating in full. Then absolutely chime in with your reflections on that or sequential related point!

I admire you for recognizing the issue and wanting to work on it. It is an incredibly annoying trait.

I agree with everyone that has advice you to listen. I’ve done active listening courses as part of mental health training.

im the opposite to you though. Very opinionated but I never speak and that is equally as irritating to me. But it often means I remember the most random conversations.

I have a few friends that donor listen and jump in all the time. Eventually I shut down as they come across like they just don’t care. One friend in particular has become aware of her always jumping in, and whilst she’s mid convo she will ask “what do you think”- I’ve noticed she will then listen (but will jump back in).

Naube your children want you to hear them out. Turn the internal voice into one that is processing what they are saying rather than coming up with your next answer. Then stay in the moment,

When you're listening to the other person, repeat in your head what they're saying. This will help you to really focus on what they're saying and not be half listening whilst waiting for a chance to get your point across.

It's ok to have strong opinions. It's not ok to interrupt and it's not always ok to voice your opinion.

If there are things that you have strong opinions about, but it isn't ok to voice (e.g
Someone else's parenting/dress sense/family choices) you could try writing them down, so you can get them out, but not to that person.

Your children have given you a gift by telling you how your behaviour makes them feel. And luckily you’ve listened to them this time. This shows you do have listening and self reflection skills.

Now, as others have said you need to practice active listening. It will be a game changer for you, but it takes time and effort. Maybe find a local counselling course, they will teach listening skills for beginners (I’m not saying you should become a counsellor, but just take a course to help your interpersonal skills).

I do those too - however, after both my kids were diagnosed with ASD/ADHD I’ve realised I’m ND too and have a diagnosis in hand. Once I have it I’ll access all the courses/counselling that will help me regulate responses etc and hopefully I’ll get a bit better. That said, people who love you can a) understand/tolerate it and b) find ways to signal what your doing when needed (my DH gives me an under table squeeze at social events so I know to wind back and/or apologise with a bit of self effacing humour). You can learn to manage it and tone it down.

OP Your post totally resonates. I have an awful habit of over talking & interrupting people, finishing their sentences etc., especially when I’m nervous. When someone is telling a story or explaining something my brain instantly flips to a similar experience I might have had or an opinion on what they’re saying and it’s like I can’t contain the words. I’m really trying to get a hold on it & I too have researched active listening. It doesn’t always work but I now try really hard to list in my head the key points of what someone else is saying to give my brain something to do rather than allowing it to jump to my own thoughts & opinions (which I struggle to contain).

There are, of course, many circumstances where giving your own thoughts & opinions is perfectly valid & appreciated, but I’ve realised I tend to do this all the time, often when it isn’t appropriate, & I’m trying hard to recognise this. I hope this helps. As a side note I strongly suspect I have ADHD (sibling was diagnosed as a child & we’re a neurodiverse family).

Medication for ADHD would 100% cure this.

However, if you don’t want a diagnosis/meds, then you’re going to need to go into every conversation biting your tongue and hyper vigilant to your over-talking. It’s very hard (I have to do this).

I do this
I'm diagnosed with autism and ADHD
I have to heavily mask and can never relax in a conversation,so I can keep in control of what I say .
I've gone from a chatty person to a very quiet one ,who won't speak in a group
But if I let myself relax or drink alcohol,I talk over everyone,and get upset with myself

I have to work very hard at this, which sounds really stupid but sounds like there are a few others out there the same. I’m 39 and have long thought I may have ADHD/ASD. The worst is the urge to correct people when they make totally minor innocuous errors such as grammatical errors in speech or other errors that really don’t matter at all e.g. saying they’re travelling to X place 50 miles away when I know it is 70 miles away or saying they saw a film with X actor in it when I know that actor wasn’t in that film. It’s like I have an innate need to make sure everything is correct all the time and I don’t mean it personally against the person- not pointing out a fault, but feel like they would actually be grateful to have their error pointed out so they can then be correct. However, I do realise it is actually very annoying to be corrected, especially if it’s something that isn’t important and doesn’t really matter so I really have to bite my tongue and tell myself, “No, don’t say anything, it doesn’t matter!” But I then find it hard to concentrate on the rest of the conversation. It’s pretty exhausting at times and sometimes easier just to avoid social situations.

The nice thing in your case is you’re self aware. You’re not doing it intentionally or just because you’re a bloody know it all, which is the case for the people in my life who do this and there’s no helping them.

I'm also naturally an interrupter - I had an adult diagnosis of ASD a few years ago which explains it.

I try very hard not to interrupt and stop myself and apologise when I realise that I've done it.

For me, it's a mixture of desperation to get my thoughts out and difficulty in spotting the pauses when other people are talking.

I don't interrupt or finish other people's sentences.

But often, especially as I've got older, I listen to people, often enjoyable experiences, and think to myself, "Do I have an opinion on this? Why do I need to express my opinion? It just doesn't matter. It's not about me. I don't need to have or express an opinion about everything."

And I am much more relaxed and I find I learn more by listening to other people. I won't learn by talking.

I grew up in a family like this and it's a hard habit to break. For some family members, if I don't interrupt, I end up listening to a monologue. I try to be more mindful and consciously practice listening in situations where I feel I might jump in too much. I am pretty assertive too and have become increasingly so as I get older, which makes me more liable to express opinions in general, but sometimes regret it.

My best friend is also a talker but she is very good at asking questions as well, so I always used to start our meet ups by answering her questions and realise I was still talking half an hour later - she does listen and feeds me with further questions. But then I'd forget to ask her things, so now I prepare questions on my way to meet her to make sure I don't get carried away. I do this with other friends too.

This is me and my family of origin. No ADHD, just always wanting to give an opinion, have lots of opinions and growing up, you just wouldn't be heard at all if you didn't do it.

The active listening advice is great.

I found at the beginning trying to change this behaviour I would also have to do something like breathing in for 3, hold, breathe out for 5. Or another habit I got into while wearing invisalign for a while was to gently bite on my bottom inner lip or on the retainer. It physically stopped me speaking. After a while I didn't need to do that any more, except sometimes in a high pressure situation.

I know people may think 'it's them not you' and 'you do you' etc but it was genuinely damaging my relationships so I had to work hard to alter it.

@Bernadinetta . I am the same and have to fight the urge to correct people. If I interrupt a conversation it’s because the thoughts just jump into my head and I need to get them out . I have learned to control it and do apologise. My son was diagnosed with ADHD/ASD and I suspect I may be the same .

In the same op and I recently did an online counselling course. It was a free, distant learning level 2 course. Not to be a counsellor but to be a better listener. The skills involved are very useful to everyday life - especially everyday life with teenagers. I can note out myself in ' counselling mode' and keep my mouth shut of opinions and examples from my life. Those I speak with said they felt heard more. When I'm not focused, I return to my normal state but I know what I'm aiming for and I know how to get there. The course was a lot of work but I enjoyed it because it meant a lot to me.

This is great advice!

Sadly, this is almost impossible if you have ADHD…

My job involves listening to people very carefully for extended periods of time, often with quite minimal input from me. I do it very well. In my personal life I am like the OP describes, I interrupt people (especially DH), correct them annoyingly and express opinions all the time. I know DH finds it annoying because he says so. I try not to do it but, especially if I have had a drink or two, I find it very hard.

I do this. I've recognised it.
I also own it. I apologise for it and I'm working on it.
Reading with interest.

The good thing is that it is possible to learn and practice communication techniques to mitigate your current style. And I applaud you for wanting to do it. In addition to the active listening, the discipline of asking questions rather than making statements is helpful for the opinionated thing. You can also soften the impact of your opinions by consciously acknowledging and honouring alternative views. It boils down to not always putting yourself at the centre of the interaction.

Medicated your adhd. I was like this up until starting elvanse I now listen intently

Another one like this here - your post really resonates with me!

It's incredibly hard to consider if I need to say something before I say it, because generally a comment feels like it is out of my mouth even before it's in my head.

My family also have loud, rowdy, strongly opiniated conversations. I actually enjoy those discussions on the whole but DH doesn't like it. I am very aware of letting quieter friends talk and finish their sentences, it is hard but worth it.

Interesting to hear the ND comments, it isn't the first time for me.

(Sorry, no advice, just empathy).

I also do this, and it's taken me to my 60s before I fully noticed. I got feedback once in my 40s that I used to interrupt with a similar story (totally believed that this was how conversations were done)I tried to rein that in and I think I've been fairly successful with that, but the interruption and finishing sentences is something I know I still do and I hate myself for it.

It's only occurred to me recently that I may have ADHD, but at 62, is it worth getting a diagnosis? (NB this is not my thread so I'm not actually asking for an answer, it's a question in my own mind).

I think active listening is a great idea to learn, and asking friends who you are close enough to let you know when you've interrupted perhaps?

I used to wonder why I didn't have many friends, I think I know now.