Can we talk about adult friendship break ups?

[Callysee]

I’ve had a few in my time, some I’ve initiated others I’ve been the one dumped so to speak. Currently coming to the realisation that in my 40s I’ve been dumped by a male friend I’ve had since my uni days. Partly due to the fact he has less time due to having young kids which I totally understand having been there myself but it’s also got to do with the fact he is from a wealthier background, lives in a better area and over time has preferred to be with other wealthy people. I never minded our wealth gap, we could still have a laugh but in recent years he has become increasingly intolerant and critical of poor people and wants to be able to put working class people down for not working hard enough while ignoring the fact the he went to private schools, had extra private tuition, traveled the world as a child, inherited his fathers law practice and almost a million quid.

I had for some time been enjoying his company less and less but I still remember fondly the fun loving sensitive lad he was back in the day and feel sad that we’ve barely spoke to each other in the past year or two. But also such
is life.

I was also “dumped” by a what I thought was a good friend when I was very low when my dad and brother were both seriously ill. Previously I and my father had helped her escape an abusive relationship by moving her out of her boyfriends flat in my dads van on the one night her boyfriend wasn’t home and then helped her get set up elsewhere. She told me she didn’t want to see me anymore when I cried in her presence just once as I was under so much pressure due to my family’s illnesses and my mum not being able to cope mentally, she didn’t want to be around anyone who was such a drag apparently!

Anyone else had a friendship break up as an adult.

I’m on the precipice of going through this for the first time with a friend of several years. We became friends when she was having an awful time with depression and she leaned on me heavily. She’s now much better and has been for the last year and she’s a much different person, not all for the better. It’s become apparent she is not there for me when I have my own struggles and doesn’t really want to talk or meet up anymore. To say I feel used is an understatement but I am also confused and don’t want to lose her friendship. I already kiss her terribly.

I don’t have any advice but I stand with you in solidarity.

One of my best friends is slowly dumping me, texting less, not answering my texts, being flaky, then when we eventually meet up sending me lovely messages saying she loved our night out.
It is a head fcuk and I’m not sure what to do.

*miss obviously 🙄 I wouldn’t blame her if I kissed her!

@WytchWay & @WhitneyBaby It’s really quite painful isn’t it? I suppose it’s normal to some extent but it’s hard to realise you’ve been used and that the care you have shown them isn’t extended to you even to a small degree.

lol, well nobody likes a bad kisser 😂

I think this is happening to me too. Been friends since we were 5 (now early 40's) and the communication has changed, it feels very different, like a slow fade.
I hate it but don't feel I can say anything as she'd cut me off immediately

Yes the ones who are a head fuck are worst. Have a friend who avoids meeting up and has flaked on the rare occasion she will set a date but she still sends a text once a month along the lines of “how are you it’s been ages, must catch up soon” which is always followed immediately about how busy they are and they’re not sure when they’re free 🙄. Stop bloody saying let’s catch up then!!

I’ve stopped instigating messages or trying to meet up for a while now but still get a once a month text. I hate it I wish she’d stop messaging now I think she does it so she doesn’t feel like a bitch. I reply albeit vaguely and never respond anymore about the catching up suggestion. I would prefer to not respond at all in future but it’s not in my nature ghost someone.

I honestly would just rather she was honest and say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I have asked and she said it feels a bit childish and dramatic to ask if somebody wants to be friends…. 🤔

Oh yes, I've had one of these! A monthly text asking his I was and how we'd " have to meet up soon", to which I'd reply " great! What date can you do? " only to be met with silence until the next " how are you, we'll have to meet up soon... ". Bloody ridiculous! On the rare occasion she did commit to a date I'd inevitably receive the cancellation text in the morning with the ever present sickness bug excuse. She'd always make it sound like she was doing me a favour by cancelling, stating that at least I'd be able to do something else with my day! Ummm, no Katie, I can't suddenly magic up another friend to go to lunch with when you've given me three hours notice for a date that was planned a month ago! I did ghost her in the end, and feel in no way bad about it. Never make someone else a priority when to them you are merely an option.

I'm sure we all have
People come and go, good friends stay.
Life goes on.

@PassingStranger well this thread is for people who want to discuss it, if you aren’t interested in that then feel free to pass on by.

Well that clears that up then

I'm struggling to end a friendship at the moment. Someone who wasn't there for me at all when I went through a horrendous time, when others stepped up she disappeared but now wants to be back in my life (now it's fun again I guess).

I don't want to see her but I still feel incredibly guilty, but I supported her through a difficult diagnosis and it all feels like a one way street. We have mutual friends too and I just feel like I'm being dramatic. So I'm doing the slow fade option although I know it's a cop out.

So I'm doing the slow fade option although I know it's a cop out
I think this is the most painful option for the friend.

At least 3 off the top of my head, all for various reasons. I've learned a lot about myself in the past few years & don't suffer fools anymore. I treat people how they treat me, & am far happier for it. Mostly rely on myself & partner these days.

I'm going through this at the moment with a close friend. It's awful and I feel a failure as I pride myself on staying close to people over many years. But trying not to take too much responsibility as my friend is a difficult person and has had big fallings- out with lots of others- so I know it's her and not me and if I keep trying to fix it and placate her when she's being awful it would only be worse. But I miss the good times and it feels shit. It's a very disenfranchised kind of grief in adult life.

I was dumped by a group, which included someone who for a long time I considered my best friend. We never fell out. After having met weekly for years with babies and toddlers, meet ups got fewer as all our kids got older. Fair enough. Then I realised it was always me proposing a meet and others not replying. Then a while later my ex best friend turned 50, I saw photos on FB of her birthday party to which all the rest of the group and their partners were invited. At which point I realised it wasn't just a case of everyone being busy, it was a case of me being ousted from the group. I don't know why. Hey ho, I have other friends but it did make me a bit sad.

My problem is that I sometimes struggle tell if a friend is trying to slow fade or if they are busy and overwhelmed and it's not just me. It can feel really humiliating to be the one who keeps trying all the time. Not sure what to do with this situation really.

I think this is true your brain keeps cycling round thinking, is it me, am I imagining this? Should I contact them one last time? Maybe any day now they will get back to me and explain why they went quiet. What did I do wrong, maybe it’s a technical glitch? You just end up ruminating on it. I don’t want to be the one who lets a friend go accidentally due to crossed wires neither do I want to be harassing someone and hanging on with blood fingernails when they don’t want to be bothered with me.

That really sucks. It’s awful not knowing why. I feel like friends at had when I was younger living in a rented flat in a sort of cool part of town slowly faded me out because they all came from money and could afford to buy big flats and houses in that area while I had to move further out to afford to buy a home as we had no help from parents or inheritance like they did. When we left we were still only about 30 or 40 minutes away by car and slowly we just stopped getting invited to things, no longer part of the in crowd I guess.

This is a subject I think about loads. When I went through a divorce I lost my group of friends that I’d known since school, so for about 15 years. l’m still confused about whether they dropped
me or I dropped them, but they didn’t treat me very nicely and it was really hurtful. Before that I lost a couple of people who I thought I was really close to. It was two girls who dropped my friend and I, we’d all been an incredibly close knit group and still to this day I’m unsure about what happened.
Currently I’m considering trying to phase out a friendship because I don’t really trust someone and haven’t liked how she’s treated a mutual friend or how she seems to insert herself in other people’s business.
I should think I’m probably too sensitive, but it’s a subject that weighs on my mind a lot. I used to continually dream about past friendships as well which didn’t help. Thankfully I haven’t in a while.
Love to hear about other people’s experiences
with this. I’m sure there are some people who can just drop old friends and pick up new ones without a second thought. They perhaps won’t be interested to respond to this thread though!

But it's a fair point. Lifelong close friendships with no lulls/periods of greater distance or problems come along about as frequently as unicorns. That doesn't mean it's not painful when a friendship seems to be ending.

@Callysee, I would focus on the fact that you've been enjoying his company less of late -- that sounds as if you're also disengaging, or primarily in the friendship for who he was when you first knew one another. And it would be surprising if you were still very fond of someone who sounds like a snob and a bigot. Let him go. But see it as your choice, not that you've been ditched by him.

The other friendship you mention sounds as if it suffered from both the changing of roles (where you went from rescuer and the one needing support) and also, possibly from her wanting to distance herself from someone who saw her at her lowest. This is very common, though often very hurtful for someone who helped someone substantially at a low point or crisis. The 'rescued' person recovers and wants to be around people who see them as strong and happy, not the person who saw them on their knees and vulnerable. A friend of mine prevented a friend of hers from ending her life, and the rescued person never contacted her again after she got out of hospital. It's not uncommon. Painful, though.

Yeah at some point you need to cut your losses, often people do just use friends for selfish reasons and the won’t reciprocate at all. I think if we get one or two really good friends in our lives we need to really treasure them because they are rare.

. What did I do wrong, maybe it’s a technical glitch?

This is so true, I remember thinking maybe my friend isn’t getting my texts when she’s driving (she’s in her car a lot).

This is really difficult, sorry that happened to you. I’ve been there, where you see the photos on social media, so horrible.