Can we talk about adult friendship break ups?

[Callysee]

I’ve had a few in my time, some I’ve initiated others I’ve been the one dumped so to speak. Currently coming to the realisation that in my 40s I’ve been dumped by a male friend I’ve had since my uni days. Partly due to the fact he has less time due to having young kids which I totally understand having been there myself but it’s also got to do with the fact he is from a wealthier background, lives in a better area and over time has preferred to be with other wealthy people. I never minded our wealth gap, we could still have a laugh but in recent years he has become increasingly intolerant and critical of poor people and wants to be able to put working class people down for not working hard enough while ignoring the fact the he went to private schools, had extra private tuition, traveled the world as a child, inherited his fathers law practice and almost a million quid.

I had for some time been enjoying his company less and less but I still remember fondly the fun loving sensitive lad he was back in the day and feel sad that we’ve barely spoke to each other in the past year or two. But also such
is life.

I was also “dumped” by a what I thought was a good friend when I was very low when my dad and brother were both seriously ill. Previously I and my father had helped her escape an abusive relationship by moving her out of her boyfriends flat in my dads van on the one night her boyfriend wasn’t home and then helped her get set up elsewhere. She told me she didn’t want to see me anymore when I cried in her presence just once as I was under so much pressure due to my family’s illnesses and my mum not being able to cope mentally, she didn’t want to be around anyone who was such a drag apparently!

Anyone else had a friendship break up as an adult.

@Bunnyhair the thing is, you talk about spending time with people who you feel good with. But some of us have almost run out of people and I have no family to speak of.

I had a thread about the low effort type who will - allegedly- be surprised if I don't call them for help. But why would I call someone for help if I never hear from them and they don't return calls or messages?

i just assume I've been dropped. And if they don't return calls, I can't talk to them about it.

it does seem like a contemporary thing that people think they can be low effort. Tbh I'm not sure I believe anyone has a person at the front of their mind if they never get in touch.

That's where some of the anxiety comes from, many of us can't easily find new people. I've literally either lucked into making friends fairly easily or found it impossible. I try not to behave in a needy way but I do feel very dependent on the good will of the friends I have as I doubt I'd be able to find new friendships now.

This is what I mean though - you can’t believe what I am telling you is true for me. You prefer to think I am a shit friend. And yet I do have friends, and I am there for them, and they are there for me. But friendship isn’t all about support and being there for people - it’s also about enjoying one another’s company.

You wouldn’t enjoy my company, presumably. And that’s fine - we can’t all be right for one another.

@Bunnyhair I'm not saying I can't believe it

it's good to hear other points of view, especially as I seem to be in a minority

what I am saying is - if someone is similar to you, how would their friends know they are in such a person's mind? How would they know it's okay to get in touch when they don't get replies to messages etc

Yea I had a really (or so I thought) good close friend.I told her everything, I did have a lot of things going on, but now I realised she didnt tell me much about her and was secretive about silly stuff that I found out about later. She just dropped me when she started a new job I havnt seen or heard from her for a couple of years now and dont miss her because distance really does open your eyes. Im just happy with my large family and my lovely DH.

I’m with @Bunnyhair - I might not see my friends for months at a time, but when I do we pick up where we left off.

I don’t like constant communication from anyone - friend or partner - it makes me feel overwhelmed. Unless communication has changed (someone texting a lot to not at all) I would assume everything is fine unless they have told me otherwise.

I am secure in my friendships and also secure in myself. I don’t think I could manage a friend who needed constant communication from me. As for how do friends know they can reach out? Well they must do, because they do. Our conversations have no start or end, they just carry on regardless of time gaps.

It’s fine if you need more @EmeraldRoulette but I don’t think @Bunnyhair is in a minority (outside of MN where the friendships seem pretty high maintenance!) - I assume you communicate your needs and as such someone like me or @Bunnyhair simply wouldn’t be a compatible friend for you.

I met someone new recently who will likely become a friend, and we arranged to go for a drink. I noticed she was messaging me nearly every day and started to feel uncomfortable so I just messaged saying I will see you at the drink and catchup then. People just communicate differently and as long as everyone makes clear what does and doesn’t work for them, then others can take it or leave it as they wish.

@MooPeng "As for how do friends know they can reach out? Well they must do, because they do"

so if I need help, do you think it would be okay to ask someone who hadn't been in touch for ages, not replied for ages etc?

edit to add- I don't expect anyone to be in touch constantly

To all the lovely posters on this thread, advice from a very old lady: If they want to know you, they will find a way. If they want to do something, they will find a way. If you want to know if someone is your friend, just let them go and see if they come back with a good offer i.e. haven't seen you for ages, how are you, let's meet up, when are you free. If you don't get any of that, fade! There is no need to be rude, question, or anything because real friendships by pass all of that and they will be there for you as best they can. Please don't waste your time on losers. You are worth more.

This. Life is SO much easier too. I now have casual friends rather than intense friendships. Friends who don't care if 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months go by without seeing each other or a message, it doesn't mean anything other than we all have busy lives. No pressure friendships, I am here for them!

I think so - but that’s because if it was me I’d be happy to help.

If I haven’t replied it’s only because I’ve been busy/forgotten/missed the message (and it would be to a “how are you” etc, not a question that needs an answer) and my friends would know that. They would also know that if they really needed me I would drop everything and book a flight etc to be there. So it maybe just depends on the friend, and on your friendship!

@Hoplolly YES YES YES. I have a few friendships groups like this and it is SO relaxing and i love getting together with them. No pressures what so ever, great long catch ups, no expectations other than to turn up and have a good gossip. No piss taking favours being asked, no awkward questions which put you on the spot, no neediness, we all agree where to meet up i.e. no one puts their wants above anyone else/it's not all on one persons terms, the night is relaxing and a great laugh. At the end of the eve we all go our own ways and then do the same again in a few weeks time. There is no post evening bitching or analysis of everyone who went.

I guess how it works for me and my friends is we just don’t expect to rely on responses to our messages. We don’t message each other very often. That feels OK to us. It wouldn’t to everyone.

Some of it is probably generational and to do with life stages as well as temperament (we are middle aged women with complex caring responsibilities and/or high pressured careers, and we grew up pre-internet and pre-mobile phones, and are hardly ever on social media - so we have Gen X expectations around text & online interaction, and are also not of the boomer generation who are very diligent about Christmas cards etc)

Someone who is very dear to me hardly ever replies to messages - sometimes we’re not in touch for a year. But then she or I will suggest a phone call and we’ll chat for ages. We meet up about every 2 years and it’s like we saw one another yesterday. This is someone I have known for 30 years, and at one time we had a very close and intense friendship, but we’ve lived in different countries for nearly 2 decades. We couldn’t have kept up the level of contact we had before, while developing new friendships and relationships and careers and families. But the bond remains, because we trust we mean something to one another even when we are not in contact. This deep bond would not have developed if either of us had ended the friendship on the grounds of un-replied-to messages.

I have newer friends who aren’t in text / phone contact much, or who don’t reply to messages for days or weeks if at all, but we run into one another and the bond is sustained by casual, in-person contact.

I also have friends / acquaintances who I like and appreciate, but I don’t feel very close to. Sometimes there is an imbalance here where they consider the friendship closer than I do and are in touch more than I want to reciprocate.

This is a tough one, because these people haven’t done anything ‘wrong’, and I do like them and enjoy them and have a nice time when we see each other, and it’s not that they shouldn’t be messaging me this much. But they are feeling a closeness to me that I don’t feel back with them for whatever reason, and it is clear that they are angling for a higher-touch friendship than I have capacity for.

I have been on the other side of this, too, and it can be painful - particularly when I’ve been in a new place and thirsty for new friends - but it is just one of those things, and I’ve learned to be thick skinned and keep trying to find people I vibe with more, or who have more room in their social circle for developing new friendships.

I’ve spent 30 years in a country where I had no family and had to make my own networks, and I know how hard it can be. I have absolute compassion for people who are finding it hard to make friends, and how awful it is when others’ circles are already full and it’s hard to get in with anyone. What’s benefitted me is to recognise that there is room to have different sorts of friendships - some casual, some close; some intense and some intermittent. And that the nature of those friendships will be in constant flux as life changes for everyone.

@Bunnyhair thank you for your perspective- it helps.

I think its just difficult if someone doesnt reply because you then assume they arent going to be interested in whatever issues you might be having/want to talk about and the non reply (I'm talking weeks or months here, not just a few days btw) indicates you shouldn't then continue to keep messaging them because it then feels like you are hassling them.

For me, if someone doesnt reply I assume they dont want to talk so I just leave it, which then means the distance spans further and further (and months and months pass) until I actually no longer feel close enough to them to even want to share! To clarify- I dont expect immediate replies and I never message my friends more than every few weeks so I am certainly not ever pressuring for a reply.

But I think people do need to recognise that whilst its fine to let friendships drift, and its fine to not reply but a consequence of that is that the person you arent replying to WILL often find other friends to talk to instead and so the person cant really then complain if they look around and are shocked to find they have no close friends left. Relationships take effort and whilst that effort will be different for everyone, you do have to at least put something in.

I totally get what you’re saying, @biscuitsnow . It also makes me think that I don’t generally want to talk about my problems with friends who aren’t very available, if there is not already a precedent there for it.

I have 2 friends who I feel close to in this way, and the rest are people I care about dearly but wouldn’t go to for help or rely on for support - and nor do they ask this of me. I think this is perhaps what I mean about having a range of friends with different dynamics. I wouldn’t want to talk about something painful and personal with my DC’s best mate’s mum who I spend most weekends with and go on holidays with. She’s just not that kind of friend. But she is a huge and important part of my life.

I absolutely accept that people who want more regular and personal / deep contact from me than I’m able to provide will move off and find other friends. That’s what I would encourage them to do. I think people with lower contact expectations do have enough of the friendships that work well for them - this threat that if you’re not diligently responsive you will be left alone in the world and friendless certainly doesn’t apply to my friend group.

@Bunnyhair Yes, I totally agree. But I dont see it as a "threat" as such, but rather just a natural consequence of not keeping up your side of a friendship. People will get bored of constantly making the effort for someone who doesnt reciprocate.

I had a friend like this I've known from school days who repeatedly ignored other friends (including mine) messages and requests to meet up, was always really flaky, so they all eventually drifted away and stopped inviting him. I'm still friends with his sister and she said he was not in touch with anyone and felt very alone as his relationship had also just broken up.

I felt for him but equally, couldnt help but think, well- what did you expect?

It's easy to make acquaintances but not so easy to make really close friends with whom you can be totally yourself so I just think its a shame to let that drift.

Several. The one that hurt most was when a really good friend dumped me because her horrible abusive bully of a partner decided he didn’t like me. She was so, so close to leaving him- not that I tried to make her because he didn’t like me- but then she decided to marry him instead, and a few months later I stood up to him when he turned his nasty temper on me, and she cut me dead.

I’ve had several 😟. One friend we didn’t see each other enough which started off as a bit my fault. Then I moved to a different area but we were only 30 mins drive away. She made loads of friends at her posh tennis club and her dd started at private school and I felt like she didn’t want to see me anymore. I tried to do a zoom in Covid and we talked about meeting but she’d say she had Covid or some other excuse like she thought her dd might have Covid. I invited her to my wedding but she declined nearer the time. Tbf she paid for a night in a posh hotel as a present but I felt that was lovely of her but totally ott and I wanted her to come.
Another one was my best friend of 40 years who went down a rabbit hole in Covid and couldn’t be reasoned with. She said some hurtful things to me. She sent me all sorts of videos and crap and would question me on them. Then she started defending Putin, brexit etc. I still had her as my bridesmaid in Covid (demoted from MOH as she didn’t have anything to do with my hen do or even come to my dress fitting. She said she didn’t have time to be my MOH and even disappeared to go nap with her dd on my wedding day! I feel a bit lost now as everyone else seems to have a best friend and it’s too late for me

*Callysee *
thank you for starting this thread, all the responses have given me lots to think about.

*Verylonglashes *

• *what makes you think your friend is slowly dumping you just because they message less etc. It’s now me that starts most of our contact, my friend very often doesn’t answer. It didn’t use to be like this, she didn’t wish me happy birthday. She’ll leave me hanging as to are we actually going out that night, to the point where I’m not sure whether to cook dinner at home as I thought we going out to a restaurant. Then the next day I will get a message saying so sorry she forgot, I didn’t text her the evening before as I’d done three texts in a row beforehand and thought I’d see what happened. I know that my friend is so incredibly busy with the most stressful job and after reading all the replies on this thread I realise I need to work on my empathy and really understand her situation. We are similar ages but are at completely different stages of life in some ways. I have also realised I am not very good at accepting demotion friend wise as I had another friend who I meet twice a year after being very close about 15/20 years ago. We never texted inbetween (i would like to but I realised she didn’t reply). So I decided that I wasn’t happy just seeing her twice a year and telling her all my news without any other contact during the year such as happy new year. I live in an all male household and have no daughters or sisters plus my DM now has really advanced Alzheimer’s and loves to see me but doesn’t really know who I am so my girlfriends are incredibly important to me but I now realising this isn’t necessarily the same for them or at least not to the same extent. I have another best friend who I see every two weeks and we text a couple of times per week too and that is going well. I also have a school friend whom I am happy meeting up once per year and a friend who lives abroad who I go on holiday with once per year and message about once per month. I’ve made a new friend at a hobby I do, so far we haven’t met up outside the hobby but we always make a beeline to spend time with each other and we Whatspp too. So all in all this is a really good thread for me.

I agree with your last bit - but I’d also say that I don’t let close friendships drift, even though we’re not in contact much. The trust and the bond is still there. The friendships I actively let drift are the ones I don’t feel are close, and where I can’t be myself, largely because the other person’s always busting my chops for not being more available. It’s better to let the friendship drift than to be constantly in the doghouse and feeling like I’m disappointing someone who wants more than I can give.

I also want to clarify that I would never stand someone up for dinner, or not turn up to a gathering we’d arranged, as some PPs have experienced. That is appalling behaviour.

@WhitneyBaby "I realise I need to work on my empathy and really understand her situation."

I don't know. If someone actually forgets they're meant to go out with you, is that really something you should tolerate? I'm afraid that doesn't seem like friendship? How would she feel if someone did that to her?

I don't know. If someone actually forgets they're meant to go out with you, is that really something you should tolerate? I'm afraid that doesn't seem like friendship? How would she feel if someone did that to her?

This is food for thought.

I have lost touch with some people I just think people go through phases or things in their lives that makes things change I don't take it personally

But I only give so much, if I lose someone and feel I was being used I should not have given so much in the first place, not in a my fault kind of way but giving too much of yourself is not healthy

Amen. Or if you’re going to keep bailing out that friend who lurches from crisis to crisis, do it in the knowledge that they will not do the same for you. Just like you wouldn’t expect a homeless person to pay you back the spare change you give them. Some people need more emotional support than they’re able to give, and it’s wise to think carefully about how much of yourself you pour into the friendship.

@Hoplolly so much easier! I have friends from 25 years ago that I might see once or twice a year and rarely message in between. It's fine. It's so much less pressure. If I text a friend and they don't respond, I don't sweat it, I just don't text again. Casual friendship is the way to go! I also have no time for 'friends' who consistently want meet ups on their terms only. I am far happier with less drama & just a few friends.

Had to dump a friend after the friendship became very one sided. Came down for my birthday weekend and it was all about what she wanted to do. Then the day after she went back, my foster sister that I was still in touch with died, so I went up and stayed with friend as they live
d quite close. Tried to come to the funeral with me , not particularly to support me but because they wanted a day off work. Final straw was their refusal to allow an improvement in my sleeping arrangements when I visited. It's been 18 years and my life is so much more peaceful now. Sometimes you just have to let someone go to regain your peace.