How would you feel if your colleagues didn’t say anything after a bereavement?

[SomethingFun]

I work in a team of about ten people and I lost a parent a couple of weeks ago. I came back to work and only one person reached out to me to see how I was. One other person asked me how I was after I initiated a conversation with them. My manager has not asked me how I am. No one even said hello in our regular morning meeting and I’ve been off a couple of weeks. This is all remote btw. Is this normal? I am feeling incredibly unsupported and upset. I am generally well liked at work and have worked in the team for a couple of years.

I’m not a British but when I was working in England and a colleague lost his mother, I was totally shocked that no one appeared to have mentioned it at all other than me.

Oh that's shit OP, I'm so sorry

I wonder if it's becoming part of remote working, that people are less 'chatty' about non work related things?

Did they know why you were off?

Yes, that is odd (especially from your manager). I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't necessarily expect a long convo, but a simple, 'I was really sorry to hear about your mum/dad' is appropriate and really the minimum anyone should do.

I think people feel they don't know what to say so end up saying nothing, not realising that saying nothing is much worse than potentially saying not quite the right thing. They almost certainly do care, but they are anxious about doing or saying the wrong thing.

I'm sorry you lost your parent.

I was amazed how few people from work said anything to me, either directly or via a message when I lost a parent. The few who did were lovely and one of my direct reports still keeps checking in to see how I’m doing. But on the whole I found it a bit odd.

This is so true. People don’t even need to really say anything other than I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Just an acknowledgment really.

I wouldn't know why a colleague had been off, that's private information

Yes they have all met me irl except the person who started whilst I was off (and I wouldn’t expect them to say anything, I am not a monster 😁). We work hybrid. And yes they know because the person who did reach out to me knew why I had been off.

Thank you for replying with kindness it’s been a shit day.

First of all OP my condolences to you for the loss of your parent; an incredibly sad time for you. I'm sorry to hear that no one reached out to you with basic, human kindness, which doesn't seem to be so 'basic' anymore, does it.
I don't know, too many people feel they can get away with not extending a kind word, it only takes a few seconds, but they just look the other way and maybe hope someone else does it while they skulk away. However, re-reading your post, I'm not sure if your meetings etc are remote or in person? Remotely, that is different, because it's remote, in the true sense of the word. Physical distance doesn't lend itself to extending condolences in the same way as in person does.
Still a shame no one was able to reach out to you with a bit of kindness.

That’s crap. Sorry OP. Sometimes people don’t want to activate grief by mentioning it, worried perhaps that you might not want to have to acknowledge it in a work setting or be put on the spot about something so painful.

However it is hurtful and I hear you. I always say that I’m sorry for someone’s loss, but I do feel stressed beforehand with questions to myself like “am I close enough to this person to be entitled to reference their loss?” and “will this be too painful to raise in this setting?”

I worked with someone who's mum died (she was.Only early 20's so more unusual) and We were specifiy told not to ask her anything or.mention it at all because she didn't want to talk aboutit, so I'd be worried about putting my foot.in it. Especially if.I didn't know them well, in my current team.I feel like I could say something but we've all.worked together for min 2 years and in person, I'd find it a really weird thing to talk about or message on teams

I'm sorry for your loss.

My work were similar. It was shit and I was hurt.

Most of my colleagues had never lost a parent and were completely clueless about grief. Lots of them assumed if I was back then I must be "over it" and no need to say anything.

It's not personal to you, people are just really shit at responding appropriately to bereavement.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I've been in this exact situation...colleagues would see me coming and pick up phones that weren't ringing and pretend to be talking to avoid speaking to me. It went on for about a week, after which time it was apparently acceptable to be able to speak to me without having to mention my dead parent. It was awful.

I feel you OP, it's really hurtful - Brits are useless at this sort of thing...I honestly believe these skills should be taught at school!

Sorry for your loss. I would at the very least expect my manager to ask. Fortunately the team I am a part of would be the kind to ask.

A ‘hello’ or ‘nice to see you’ would have been sufficient to be honest. We won’t see each other in the office for a while so I doubt anyone is waiting for that. I guess from the replies here so many people don’t know what to say or are worried it’s not their place to say anything that they don’t say anything at all. It’s all a bit shit for everyone involved really isn’t it.

That sounds fairly standard. I lost my dm when I was 5 months pregnant. I had to organise a funeral and a wake. I returned to work after my one day off and no-one said a word.

Many people are awkward with the topic of bereavement. Worried someone is going to weep all over them. Worried that they will say the wrong thing. So Stiff Upper Lip and pretend nothing has happened is very much the preferred option.

My boss told me to take it as a day's annual leave ! I drew the line at that. 🙄

I run a small business with DH and on my first day back after my Dad had died everyone came in to say how sorry they were etc. And I really was in no place to deal with it, I wanted everyone just to carry on as normal! They did send a lovely card and to me, that was more than enough.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's tough

I feel sad for you.I am sorry for your loss. Hugs indeed.

Sorry for your loss.

Hopefully people meant well by not discussing it. Perhaps so as not to upset you.

I messaged colleagues in advance to say I'd be back on Monday and asked them to not say anything about why I'd been off or I'd be in floods of tears.

Only one did. And I was able to say thanks and change the subject quickly before I got upset.

When dd died and I returned to work, people were awful. I remember a colleague actively walking around me to avoid talking. I was hurt/ upset/ pissed off at the time but now (6 years on) realise that people don’t know what to say. The best thing said to me was from a panicked colleague by the lifts, who said ‘it’s good to have you back, we’ve missed you’. He didn’t need to say more.

I’m sorry you feel unsupported. Is there anything your manager can do to help?

I am sorry for all the posters who have shared similar experiences and also the ones that didn’t want to talk about it either.

I think if it was just normal that would be ok but it’s the attention to making sure you say nothing at all to me on zoom unless I am directly helping you and you have no choice but to acknowledge me that’s been a kicker.

No sadly my manager hasn’t even said hello to me today or asked how I am but he did mention there being a full team back today when we were planning the week’s work so I might not be being acknowledged but I am expected to maintain my usual level of contribution.

I know I wasn’t supported professionally and I know my team take the piss and expect me to do far more than my share but I guess I didn’t expect that so many of them don’t really see me as someone who you would extend basic human kindness to.