How would you feel if your colleagues didn’t say anything after a bereavement?

[SomethingFun]

I work in a team of about ten people and I lost a parent a couple of weeks ago. I came back to work and only one person reached out to me to see how I was. One other person asked me how I was after I initiated a conversation with them. My manager has not asked me how I am. No one even said hello in our regular morning meeting and I’ve been off a couple of weeks. This is all remote btw. Is this normal? I am feeling incredibly unsupported and upset. I am generally well liked at work and have worked in the team for a couple of years.

I’m sorry for your loss. Big step returning to work, regards people asking or mentioning your loss. It’s difficult because I would worry that asking might push someone to break down when they are holding it together. It’s happened in the past and I regretted mentioning it.

Your team's behaviour sounds eerily like mine.

In some respects I understand and can make excuses for their "awkwardness". In others I struggle not to think less of them.

Losing your parents is once in a lifetime. It is shit people couldn't make the effort to even manage "hello" when you came back. You deserved more care and consideration.

That is shit. Sorry for your loss 💐.

Did work send any kind of messages, card etc while you were Away?

Honestly, I wouldn't want anyone to 'be nice' to me. When I'm upset, or barely holding my shit together, someone asking me 'are you ok?' or 'i hope you're doing ok' would send me over the edge. I speak from experience.

I need normality, just to stay sane and get through my day

My manager has always asked
He has messaged me before when I had a loss saying "do you mind being contacted, or me to say what's happened and do you want people to ask how you are or STFU?"

He will then tell the rest of our team

My work sent flowers , some messaged me. My boss was great.
However my hobby group did nothing , which they have for other bereavements. That was odd.

I would have said something to you, but I would have been worried that this was the wrong thing to do. I have read lots of posts that suggest some bereaved people, hate it when others bring it up and prefer it when people pretend nothing has happened.
I am sorry for your loss 💐

That's what a good manager should do.

It's fine if people want their loss acknowledged or want people to pretend nothing happened - the important thing is finding out what the specific bereaved person wants and then going with that.

Not just ignoring them and then making excuses for the hurt caused.

Thanks again for the replies, it seems like this is pretty usual which is proper shit. You don’t have to ask someone if they are feeling very sad after the unexpected death of their close relative and enquire for all the details, it’s the studious ignoring of the person and not offering common courtesy that is very hurtful. Well, in my case anyway.

I have made my dh promise to remind me of today for in a few weeks when I am tempted to do someone’s work for them to get the project back on track or take on an yet another extra responsibility above my pay grade so that my team can achieve its objectives. Fuck that when they can’t even say hello to me after my parent has died.

@magneticpeasant he's really good. I had an awful day once with PMT, cried at my desk and yeah just shit
He put a coffee and a cake on my desk and slowly backed away

No I didn’t get a card or message or flowers from work. I did get a card from my cleaner though which was lovely 😊

I’m sorry for your loss - it is poor of your boss - you can raise it with other staff if you want to do so - not everyone will be aware.

Part of the problem of working remotely. Not acceptable though, your Manager needs a kick up the ass.

In reality, it's likely not because they do t care, they don't have the skills!
Hope you are ok, take it slowly. Big hug x

I’m so sorry for your loss and your workmates’ shitty behaviour. I suppose it’s possible they were looking to your shitty manager for a lead during the meeting but it doesn’t excuse them not reaching out individually outside the meeting.

I’ve just left a job because of something quite similar. For me there was no turning back from the knowledge that my line manager was a massive arsehole.

Something about your manager’s comment of the team being back to full strength strikes me as the same decision to choose being a snide arsehole over a supportive human being. Hopefully I’m wrong and just projecting my experience into yours.

So sorry for your loss.

I think its rare people are indifferent but I think a lot of people feel so awkward and don't know what to say. When DH lost his father in a sudden, shocking way it was well known in our community but someone people just don't have the social skills to cope.

I always say to anyone I know that I'm sorry for their loss, if I know them fairly well then I will go on to ask how they are etc. It almost always feels like it was the right thing to do but you never know. A colleague at work said 'I can't talk about it' and walked away from me when I said I was so sorry for her loss (her dad) and another lady who had lost her adult DS to cancer immediately broke down and went out of the room temporarily to compose themselves. Both reactions were completely understandable of course but I think that is what people are in fear of, they don't want make it harder for the bereaved when they might only be clinging on to their composure by a thread.

In my workplace the managers won't tell other people on the team why someone is off , unless the person has given specific instructions that that is what they want. It is possible that not all of the team know, or at least aren't confident that hey are 'allowed' to know... and because you haven't officially told them, they may feel that it isn't appropriate for them to ask or say anything.

Your manager sounds especially shit though, for not checking in to see how you are and or thinking to check what you want the rest of the team to know. Sorry you are going through this on top of your grief OP x

Sorry to hear of your bereavement and yes it would upset me too that colleagues did not acknowledge it. It's not unusual though. People are just generally bad with this in the workplace. Try not to let it get you down.

I suppose I am one of the couple of people who says hello and asks about your holiday or your weekend or your pets or your house move or the work you are doing or your lunch etc etc. Aarrgghhhh not only am I doing the work for people I’m doing the small talk bits that glue it all together as well. I need to be working with different people.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, it's hard, and it's sad that you aren't getting support at work. It's one area where the conventions in Ireland work better - everyone at work would get an email telling them of your loss and would understand that a simple 'sorry to hear of your bereavement' goes a long way. I think people say nothing because they don't know what to say - not understanding that the exact words don't matter.

I’m sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I think your experience is just because people are crap at dealing with bereavement. They’re scared of saying something that might upset you (like you haven’t already experienced the worst time of your life) so they don’t say anything.

I remember with great affection and gratitude my manager (who was otherwise a hard-faced bastard) who came straight up to me on my return after my mother’s death, and said ‘I’m sorry to hear about your loss’. That was all I needed.

It doesn’t sound as if your team are particularly friendly anyway, but I wouldn’t take this personally. They’re just being very British.

Oh I’m sorry OP.

When I had a miscarriage at 5 months, nobody said a thing to me when I went back to work two days after my d and c. My OH had rung my boss to say what had happened and on my return, nada. It was very strange.

But I think I understood it better after my boss’s boss lost his wife in a road accident. I stammered my awkward condolences and he just gave me the evil death stare which said “who are you to be talking shit to me?”

He was a bastard and the team was toxic.

My sympathies, OP

Same. I had to keep hanging up on people and leaving meetings.

My colleagues meant well but I absolutely hated that it kept being mentioned and people kept asking how I was. I didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it in a work environment.

I could barely stand talking about it with my own friends and family without completely falling apart non stop.