If you had been told that your teen had been bullying a child with special needs...

[WaspyButt]

I mean - told by the school. If you had been told that your son has been bullying an autistic girl, who has no way to respond or stand up for themselves. And by bullying I mean openly ridiculing, going out of their way to humiliate and upset them in front of others, watching her face closely for signs of upset.

And if you had been told that this was the second child with special needs that your son had targeted, having bullied the only other autistic teen in the year who is also totally incapable of standing up for themselves.

What would you do?

What would you think about your child?

Just interested in thoughts really.

I mean.. wow. To be honest, I think school is full of "experiences" but I've never stopped to think about what it would be like to hear that your child is the bully. I was only ever bullied myself. I think there must be a lack of understanding for your child as to why he thinks it is ok. Is he in a group of kids who are also doing it and is jumping on the bandwagon? Has he heard about something and is joining in? Or does he simply just not understand it and is immature to think it's funny? I think your kid deffo needs a wake up call but I'd be intrigued to find out why they think it's ok and what about it that he doesn't understand with a view to help him recognise right from wrong.

I would be deeply disappointed, and would be sorting it out.

I would be ashamed of my child frankly and wondering where my parenting had gone wrong.

I would be very sad, ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour. I would be beating myself up wondering why?. I am sorry if it's your son. I am also sorry if it's your dd. Xxxxxx kids do the cruelest things. Also remember this boy will be ashamed of his own behaviour when he is an adult 👨

Just to clarify. This is not my son.

My DD is the victim.

The mother has been spoken to and was apparently "not impressed" but nothing has changed.

I'm just trying to understand what could be playing out behind the scenes really. It's just mind boggling to me.

I would be angry and sad. I would reflect on my parenting and whether I had allowed such nasty behaviour to develop in my child. Why are they so lacking in empathy?I would apologise profusely to the school. Then I would take a deep breath and raise it with my child. I would not ask them whether it was true but ask them why they bullied (at least)two other children who couldn't fight back. And would really listen to what they said before I decided what consequences they would face. But consequences there would definitely be.

I would assume that the Bully has an awful home life and that the parents wouldn’t care.

People kick downwards.

I would be incredibly disappointed and upset, obviously, and I would be investing a lot of time and effort in understanding why it had happened and how to put things right.

I would be horrified, have a very strong word with him and make him apologise to both children and their parents. He would also have Internet privileges taken away. I would try and find out where the complete lack of empathy came from.

I would be so upset, he has family with SEN and disabilities and I am a SEN ta, so he has been fully exposed to a large variety of children and people he is likely to encounter in life.

So I would be sitting down with him to discuss what he had been upto.
Literally just say "hey Fred, come have a cuppa with me and have a chat about school"

I'd be open in what I've been told, but remain neutral to hear his explanation, no way would I let him talk me around, because what reason would school have to lie about his treatment of other students whereas he would...

Also I'd be slightly annoyed that school didn't tell me about the first instance, if I'd been aware I'd have been able to help stop the reoccurrence.

I was a bully like this, I behaved horrifically between the ages 6-9 and actively looked for those I knew were most vulnerable . I have ASD and was being severely emotionally abused at home and this is how it manifested at that age. No child is that unkind for no reason there will be something.

You need the school to protect your DD however possible (can this boy be removed from the same classes?) if not you may have move schools you shouldn’t have to but a child with ASD being bullied so relentlessly will cause huge problems. So sorry you are going through this

The only bit of your post which I would agree with, is the last paragraph. Why so many people assume that all bullies come from unstable, neglectful homes is strange. Anybody would believe that it would be beyond children with present parents, to bully another child.

Secondary teacher.

Some parents don't care some parents are very upset.

It's very hard for parents to control their kids behaviour in school. You can take away phone/screen time etc but it doesn't always stop them.

It could be anything from the parents are upset and horrified and have made an effort to impress upon their child that it's not acceptable. To a parent joining in the mocking or not really thinking it's a big deal so not making a big deal out of it. Teen may have no respect for their parent whatever their parent thinks. Parent (or someone else e.g. other parent, older sibling) may be abusive and the teen is lashing out at whatever target is accessible. The teen may have SEN themselves and not fully understand why their behaviour is hurtful.

Ultimately from your end it doesn't really matter. Your focus needs to be what the school is doing to protect your DD and other vulnerable pupils.

I’d be disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed if this was my son
This nasty, bullying behaviour happened to my child. The other parents did not care at all. Almost like they thought having additional needs was contagious 😡
And when you know the parents, you can understand why.
It’s vile behaviour - keep on at the school
I became that ‘awkward’ mum but didn’t care- at all
Things improved. My child retaliated- but said it was worth the detention
Good luck OP

If it was my ds I'd go absolutely mad. No way would I tolerate it and there'd be some very severe consequences but some people are just crap parents

Whilst there can be many explanations for what makes a bully do what they do, ultimately it comes from them either being abused at home, being a sandwich short of a picnic or emotionally void of feelings. It’s the age old nature versus nurture thing too, do bullies breed bullies or are they simply a product of their circumstances.

The victims often suffer profound psychological damage that stays with them for life in some form.

I find Facebook is useful for looking back at the bullies from my school years (I was neither bullied or a bully) and it’s quite interesting how most of them didn’t exactly thrive in life, multiple children with various partners and the dramas that come with that, low incomes or no jobs at all, ailing health, alcohol and substance addictions, illiteracy and so on.

I would be angry at my child and deeply embrassed. My child would have some serious consquences and would be researching the impact of autism and bullying on people.

BUT I’m guessing this isn’t happening here and your the Mum of the child is being bullied. It sounds like the child has learnt this from his parents. They’re are horrible people out there in this world.

I would be working with the school/ my son how to best address my son's behaviour and if the school recommended suspension I would fully support them. I don't think it's always a failure of parenting as at some point they become their own individuals and can be impacted by peers, social media, etc despite your best efforts to bring them up well. I would have zero tolerance on my son targeting anyone, especially someone less able than himself. I would work closely with the school as wouldn't want any of my actions to further impact your daughter.

I went to one of the toughest council estate schools and yet despite all the problems the children had to deal with, the children who had special needs were "adopted" by the whole school year and protected / included. So I find this what seems to be increasing targeting of people with SEN totally alien and disgusting.

I think my first instinct would be to want to take my DC out of school so they don't have access to people to harm. Not sure if that's the "right" thing to do but it would be my gut reaction. Longer term I'd want to look at some sort of psychiatric assessment to try to figure out what's wrong with them.

I couldn't brush it under the carpet but some people like that probably don't have very nice parents themself so perhaps it's easier.

I’d be horrified and mortified and come down like a ton of bricks. But I would also want to understand what was going on for my child to make them behave that way - happy, secure children don’t do this. And I’d be looking at ways to help them learn about diversity and respect, and hoping to nip this in the bud, shape them into adults who treat everyone with respect. My first thought is that I’d hope to get them involved in volunteering with disabled people , but obviously not until I was confident they would treat them with respect.

I would be appalled and astonished, and would be re-educating my child in no uncertain terms.

So sorry to hear this has happened to your daughter, OP. I don't think there's much point in speculating about what's going on behind the scenes though. It may be that the apple didn't fall far from the tree and the parents are bigoted and ablist. It may be that they are horrified and embarrassed but incapable of getting their child to change his ways.

My daughter lost a whole set of friends when a girl who sat with them ("Lily") at lunch in year 8 brought an "uncool" girl (let's call her Sophie) to sit with them. My DD's friends literally got up and walked off every time this "uncool" girl tried to join them. Fwiw having met the girl I am pretty sure she's autistic (have a lot of knowledge in this area). Her friends were never mean to her but it just caused a huge rift and gradually they stopped hanging out at other times, stopped inviting her places at the weekend, etc

I am immensely proud of my daughter. She cried many night about it but she just said "Mum, Sophie did nothing to deserve it and I don't understand why they are being so mean". I do; it's death by association isn't it? Hanging out with an uncool person makes you uncool. I am really disappointed in one or two girls who had known DD since primary school, been friends forever, but they chose to stick with the big group and follow the ringleaders who were ostracizing Sophie

My DD is still friends with Lily; ironically Sophie doesn't really hang out with them much as she found another group of friends. It's sad because she feels lonely sometimes and misses her old friends.

My dc are the more vulnerable ones but I also think children who bully are likely vulnerable too, so I’d want to address this, I’d be asking the school to refer to the school counsellor etc whilst trying to work with my child to give a meaningful apology to the children concerned.

If that was a DC of mine there would have been a firm punishment on the first occasion. Something like no phone for 2 months and only get half of allowance for 2 months with a warning it will double if you ever do this again. The second time I'd double the punishment no phone for 4 months and half allowance for 4 months with a warning try it a third time and it will double again. My kids would never do this, they know they wouldn't get away with behaviour like that. Too many parents turn a blind eye and don't put a stop to bullying.