If you had been told that your teen had been bullying a child with special needs...

[WaspyButt]

I mean - told by the school. If you had been told that your son has been bullying an autistic girl, who has no way to respond or stand up for themselves. And by bullying I mean openly ridiculing, going out of their way to humiliate and upset them in front of others, watching her face closely for signs of upset.

And if you had been told that this was the second child with special needs that your son had targeted, having bullied the only other autistic teen in the year who is also totally incapable of standing up for themselves.

What would you do?

What would you think about your child?

Just interested in thoughts really.

Ok, I spose someone may read that that needs it but it's a longshot.

I just felt I wasted 10 minutes putting something together that may help directly someone deal with their child that was bullying.

I do hope the parent of the boy doing this to your daughter turn it around. Is it worth you offering to discuss it with them yourself to help them sort it out - they may not have any idea.
I know it's not your responsibility - but it would ultimately benefit your daughter if it was solved.
I think if I was the boy who was bullying and I met with the girl and their mother and they explained to me the difficulties the daughter faces and explained - I'd feel so guilty I would stop doing it.

This may often be the case, but not always. My DD was bullied by the class queen bee, she was good at everything, liked by all the teachers until they found out how nasty she could be, and had loving successful parents and two siblings she got on well with. I think in her case she wanted to be the best at everything, and didn't like it if my DD ever did better than she did. Also, my DD was quite shy and timid, and an easy target.

Some people are just bullies even if they have a happy home life.

My dds are 17 and 20 but I'd have been horrified as it was not how they were brought up at all and would have been totally out of character. Unfortunately some parents are scumbags and would make excuses and blame the victim though

Things aren't always as they seem. Unless you live in this girls house, you don't know what was going on.

No one is coming here to say they wouldn't care. I'd be very surprised and upset if my DC (all adult) were bullies and there would bd severe consequences. From experience bullies are normally victims essentially paying it forward. If it's happening at home, the DM isn't stopping it there so I wouldn't have much of an expectation that she would do anything.

MNetter children are never ever bullies.

And yet somehow children with SN are left out of parties from infants ('my child can choose who they want') and generally left on the sidelines at best. Then there are the sly digs day in day out (which often have plausible deniability 'I was just:' joking / saying how nice their bag is / asking for help), ignoring them in team activities etc). All maybe fall short of active bullying but all contribute to giving SN kids a miserable time.

My DD1 did school musicals in secondary, though only ever in the chorus. In y11 the other y11s involved did a shared gift for the drama teacher all lining up etc that my DD had no idea was going to happen and hadn't been included in.

But MNetters children are never bullies.

As a psychologist - no, not true.

At primary school it's "cool to be kind" and bullies tend to be vulnerable in some way themselves.

This changes at highschool and actually it's often high status individuals who bully and exclude, to do with being "in group" versus "out group" and pecking order.

@TeenToTwenties correct.

And I remember ONE occasion where someone posted saying their child was a bully and asked for help and was absolutely destroyed.

Thread was deleted.

So I don't think even if a Mnetter child was a bully they would be able to honestly help without that happening

I'd be mortified, I can't imagine my children being so cruel, it would be heartbreaking. Not sure what I'd do but I'd do something and he WOULD learn that lesson so he'd never bloody well do it again 💐 I'm so sorry your DD has had to go through this xx

We would be having a conversation where he would be asked what he was doing and why he thought that such behaviour was acceptable - and last but not least - if it was true and if it happened again there would be repercussions.

I'd like to hope that no child of mine would do that but if they did I'd really want to know why.

You're a mumsnetter. Are any of your kids bullies?

I was recently told DS had been bullying someone in his class. This came after lots of issues surrounding his MH and potential autism (on the waiting list for an assessment), but prior to this I had been told his behaviour at school was fine so it came as a shock. I realised that DH and I have been arguing a lot at home and this is having a clear impact on DS’s MH and now his treatment of others.

I had him write letters of apology to the two children that said he had been bullying them and DH and I are being far more careful with our words. We’re still waiting for a CAMHS appointment and autism assessment, so it’s all a work in process, but hopefully at least the bullying will stop now. I have told the teacher to let me know if there are any further issues.

@Etincelle I don't believe so.

Both struggled as didn't have the quickness of mind when people made fun at their expense. It was the sharper minded kids who caused problems for them.

Honestly, if it was my kid bullying someone, regardless of who, they would not being seeing the outside world for a significant time.

No phones
No devices beyond those needed to complete school work
No tv
No hobbies
No friends over
No treats

They would also be fully apologising to both the child and their family.

Thankfully I never experienced this and I think I supported the school as much as I could with behaviour issues when needed, but it did frustrate me a bit. I can't actually control what he's doing at school. I can "tell" him, I can be furious, but realistically, what can I actually do to manage his behaviour when I'm not there?

Thankfully for us, it was things like talking in class, and I'd like to think the bigger picture in raising him correctly meant this never happened, but if it had, what could I do? What did you expect the parents to do?

At teen age I'd go absolutely nuclear. They are old enough to know right from wrong. Id be demanding to know exactly why he thinks he has the right to treat someone like this and most especially someone who cannot defend themselves.

I'd tell him that he would be writing a letter of apology to both children he had been bullying and reading it out to them in front of the class and it had better be phenomenally good.

I'd be laying down for him exactly how much harm bullying does and depending on his age, possibly telling him about my own experience being bullied at school which lead to a suicide attempt.

There would be no pocket money, no going out and no phone/tablet for at least 2 weeks possibly longer depending on the details of what he did or said. The only screen he'd be seeing would be his homework.

Actually I might even ban that and tell him he had to do it in lunchtime homework club at school. That'd keep him out of bloody trouble and actually probably be a more effective punishment as he'd feel losing his breaks.

Then I'd make it very very clear to him that he wasn't to go anywhere near this child after the apology and to warn his friends off too because if I hear of the slightest bit of unkindness towards her from any of them, I would be holding him personally responsible and telling their parents.

Lastly I'd be reminding him that he is not big or clever or hard and he is not too old to have his backside smacked and he is on extremely thin ice.

He wouldn't do it twice believe me. Bullying is the one thing I will not stand for. He'd get a lesser sentence for burning the school down than for bullying.

(To clarify, he’s only 7. The teacher said “I don’t think this is necessary” when he was giving the letters to the two children in the morning, but I said it was as we have to nip the behaviour in the bud right now.)

When my vulnerable ds2 was bullied/attacked on his way home from school, I called the police who did jack shit saying it was a school issue. We realised that had no control over the behaviour of others, only his response.

We encouraged him to try learning a martial art so that he could defend himself. This also made him feel more confident and unafraid and had the side effect of meaning the bullying stopped. He's now 23 and teaching others.

As for no one on here ever admitting their child is a bully, I’ve lost count of the number of times parents have complained that their child is being bullied when actually it’s the opposite, their child is the one doing the bullying. But they won’t hear it. When you tell them that yes Oscar did hit Riley repeatedly but that is because it turns out that Riley has spent the last year picking on Oscar, they deny it all. I don’t know if they just don’t want to believe it or they don’t want to face the consequences.

I would be livid op and would be reading my dc the riot act and banning internet to teach them a lesson in life

I would be profoundly shocked and ashamed. I would do every thing in my power to get my son to learn empathy, respect and to show genuine remorse. I would mirror his behaviour by asking him how he'd feel if I mocked him about something I know he is sensitive about. I'd give him an example in a very mocking voice - as if I meant it. And then ask him if that made him feel even slightly uncomfortable, when he knows I am his mum and don't mean it at all, just doing it to make a point, how does he think she feels when he does it, knowing he doesn't like or respect her. And I'd make him answer that question - it wouldn't be rhetorical. I'd make sure he really started to think about the impact on her.

Then we'd have a conversation about what had caused this impulse in him. Is he trying to be cool in front of friends? Does he feel uncomfortable around people who don't conform to social norms? We'd explore the reasons very thoroughly and look for ways that his behaviour and think ing could develop so his attitude doesn't rely on bullying for him to feel comfortable.

We'd have a long talk about what bullying is, too, and where it comes from and how most bullies are scared and deeply inadequate people. I'd ask if he wants to be an inadequate bully or would be prefer to be the kind of person who is confident and kind?

And then we would have a long talk about what he needs to do to make amends to her, starting with a long and thorough letter of aplogy, and a vocal apology and a discussion that she in no way has to respond to this apology in a neurotypical way. She doesn;t need to thank him or smile or meet his eye or ever react to him in any way or look happy - she is not responsible for pandering to his ego when he does the minimum required of a human being,

And I would warn him that now he is fully aware of his actions and what they really are, if he ever does it again to her or anyone else, he will be truly terrified of me for a very long time, in ways he will never be able to foresee or believe until they happen Which shouldn't be a problem as he won't do it again ever, will he?

Decent parents would be angry, extremely disappointed and would take immediate steps to address it. That's why their children are unlikely to do it.

Sadly, in my experience, apples seldom fall far and the parents of bullies rarely give a shit. Their kids learn it somewhere.

This is my experience as well. Hence my post about first finding out exactly what had happened. Some parents are awful.

i believe that raising my children to stand up to bullies has been so central to me due to how much I suffered from bullying as a child.

for what it is worth, if the bully is a boy, some of the popular boys may be able to help. My son is one of the “cool” boys, think extremely good at sports, part of the “cool” boys, friends with everyone. There are boys who want to be friends with his group who seem to think that bullying the “nerds” is a good way to look better themselves.

My son usually doesn’t see much of this as he not is friends with the “nerds”. However, once a boy was belittling a “nerd” next to him, stealing the “nerd’s” stationary and making him cry. My son immediately stood up for the crying boy and told the bully to f**k up - and which point everything stopped.

My son ended up getting detention for bad language but I told him how proud I was. All my children knows that my childhood was hell due to bullying.

Exactly this. Lots of “I would…” but few “I have…”

I don’t know if they just don’t want to believe it or they don’t want to face the consequences.

I like to think of the best in people, so I’m going with they don’t want to believe it.