Horrible sleep incident, how would you react?

[DoubleTribble]

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. DH is lovely and we have a very good relationship. He has occasionally had issues with sleepwalking but not for a while.

Last night I was fast asleep when I was awoken by him grabbing me- not like a normal grab but like he was attacking me. I woke with a shriek which woke him up thank goodness. He had been having a dream about an intruder and thought he was grabbing the intruder before beating him up. (To be clear this is very much a dream incident- DH isn’t someone who has ever beaten anyone up.)

I wasn’t injured but it was a really horrible shock for both of us and I’m really not sure what to do about it. I mean, nothing I suppose- it’s probably a one off. But it made me worry that if his sleepwalking comes back I’ll feel a lot less relaxed about it. He’s a big bloke and there’s no way I could fight him off if he didn’t wake up.

Obviously I am slightly catastrophising from one incident. I have been reassuring to him and not mentioned any of this worry as he is really upset about it.

Was he drinking or taking any medication the night before? Can you pinpoint anything that would have triggered it? Stress?

I'd be sleeping in separate beds for a while incase it reoccurs.

No drink or meds. He has a stressful job but it has always been quite stressful.

Op that sounds horrible for both of you.

I think it would be worth going to the gp to try and get to the root of the sleep walking unless you already know the cause? I think it would be important to identify triggers so he can manage it to an extent.

I think if you feel uneasy it would be reasonable to sleep separately for a while and maybe just have cuddles before bed/ in the morning if you miss the closeness.

GP is a good idea, thank you. And thanks both for not making me feel I’m being unreasonable to feel so shaken up.

Oh dear! Your bed is where you want to feel at your most safe and cosy!

I'd have my own room, but then I do anyway for snoring. Love my own space for sleeping in ❤ You can always have cuddles or other intimacy before actually going to sleep.

That's scary OP. I couldn't risk it again. I'd basically never sleep properly again through fear! It'd have to be separate bedrooms and mine would have a lock/bolt on.

Omg my ex did this once to me. The gentlest kindest man ever. One night I woke up to him on top of me screaming in my face "why did you do that" whilst shaking my shoulder. It was terrifying. My screams woke him and had the house!!

Never happened again!! Was so scary and weird.

Sleepwalking is awful. I used to suffer from a lot of nightmares, screaming in the night and feeling I'm being attacked. My DH would always calm me down. I know it's different as I'm a woman and I never physically threatened DH so i understand why this is concerning for you. Mine would come in phases. Sometimes nothing for a year or two. No idea what triggered it during those times. I would feel absolutely awful if I had done anything like this to DH and it's hard because I remember in that dream state it's awful and you can't control anything. Maybe you should speak to someone and see what is causing this especially if there is a physical risk to you. Not saying it's his fault at all but it's not yours either and neither of you should have to put up with it.

@DoubleTribble I know someone who, many years ago, punched his wife in his sleep as he was dreaming he was in a fight. She was ok and he was very apologetic, fortunately never happened again.

It’s understandable to be upset and distressed by this situation, you were attacked in, what you felt was, the safety of your bed by the person you likely trust most in the world and who would never intentionally hurt you. Logically you can understand this was not on purpose but logic doesn’t really come into it when you have an emotional response.

You are experiencing the emotion of being attacked by your husband, it doesn’t matter that it was out of his control and in no way intentional, your emotional brain can’t discern that this was anything other than you being attacked by your DH, it can’t apply context. Give yourself time to process and really understand that this wasn’t intentional, ignoring or pushing down these feelings will come back at some point and be harder to deal with.

I don’t know much about sleep walking but as someone who experiences night terrors I’d love to be able to control my dreams and physical reactions when having them so any solutions you find please do share.

Jug of water at hand that you could tip over him to rouse him if he comes at you again in his sleep?

Or a rape alarm that would be louder than you yelling at him?

My Dad does this, sometimes more frequently sometimes not for ages. I looked it up when it first happened. It can be a symptom of Parkinson’s. He doesn’t have it but worth considering if it is a possibility.

I once dreamed that I was being attacked by a giant mouse and gave my poor husband a hard shove in the middle of the night. He wasn't impressed. It's only happened the one time though, surely one off incidents like that can't be that unusual? I don't think you should overreact but instead take on board @Attelina 's practical back up plans so you know you can wake him up if you need to. If you can wake him up then nothing too bad will happen.

Hate to say it but I have done this to a friend.

I have sleepwalking incidents and have been told I have arguments with the wall, get dressed, make tea and a sandwich, wander about etc.

One night, when much younger than now, my friend and I went clubbing and then stayed at hers. The following morning asked me what I dreamt about. I couldn't remember, then she told me I had grabbed her suddenly with both hands and shook her awake, said something sinister about we need to get out of here and as she sort of fizzed awake wondering how much danger we were in I just lay down and continued to sleep. I felt really bad about it, it's disconcerting to all parties when things like that happen as you have found.

I don't remember the sleep walking/activities incidents unless I wake up next to a cold cup of tea and a room temperature sandwich while watching the TV. Family, friends and partners have told me when they have witnessed it.

I've been to see a psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, therapy, and counciling because I also have nightmares on an almost nightly basis all my life to the point where I find it hard to go to bed. Nothing has helped but I have not attacked anyone beyond grabbing them which is bad enough.

There are all sorts of reasons why people sleepwalk from stress, being half woken by something, to something as simple as needing to go to the loo in the night, it sometimes runs in families. It's worth checking out with a GP though because there could be a cause that is easily rectified.

It would be helpful if your area has a sleep specialist, ask for a referral anyway as he sleepwalks, I couldn't get to see one but you might have one in your region.

I wouldn't advise giving any kind of physical shock at all. Sleepwalkers are physically active within a dreaming state so a shock that doesn't immediately wake someone could cause them to respond as they may do in the dream i.e. lash out.

If you can keep your head OP, and I know it would be difficult to do that when your instinct is reacting to an attack, is to try and get out of the way and speak gently. Hard I know but it is much safer than offering an attack on someone who is probably dreaming they are being attacked

If it’s just a one off, whilst I appreciate it would have been scary for you, I think you are over reacting. His dream must have been pretty terrifying too for him to react like that. I’ve sat up and lashed out before during a night terror and I can’t imagine how upsetting it would be if a partner used that against me

In fairness op isn't "using it against" her husband, she's concerned for her safety if it happens again.

My Dad once choked my Mum in her sleep because he was having a vivid nightmare about an intruder trying to kidnap her and he was choking the intruder. Once they both got over the shock they found it very funny. They have been married 35 years and it’s the only time it has ever happened (no alcohol involved)

What a horrible situation for both of you.
I definitely would recommend going to the gp and go from there.

I sleep talk, have occasionally sleep walked, have night terrors and sleep paralysis. I've done all sorts while asleep and it tends to come in cycles but mostly happens when I'm overtired or stressed.
How is his sleep in general?

This is awful. I know it's not on purpose but he could end up seriously hurting you, or even harming himself quite badly.
Definitely he needs to see the doctor about this.
Taking magnesium supplements and rubbing magnesium oil on your skin before sleep can help some sleep issues. But it sounds like he might be having MH problems that he's repressing?
In the meantime I think it's only fair he sleeps in another room.

Is there any family history of Parkinson's?

DH has done this twice now and it's been when he's very stressed with work. He did sleep walk as a child but it's bloody terrifying and he is currently on the wait list for the sleep clinic

H - super loving and gentle, never fights, was beaten up during a racially motivated attack. A few weeks later, he was having a nightmare about it and tried to strangle me in my sleep. I managed to wake him. Nothing like that has ever happened since, in many, many years of marriage.

Hopefully, it was an isolated incident with your H. Maybe he’s particularly stressed at the moment with work? If he can try and keep stress levels down as much as possible, not always easy, I know.

Maybe speak to GP if it happens again.

I thought we were all paralysed whilst asleep for exactly this reason, how do sleepwalkers manage to bypass this mechanism?

My husband has almost nightly REM sleep disorders.He is unaware of them, mostly laughing, moving his arms in the air, talking in his sleep, sometimes raising his voice & jerking movements.He had accidentally bumped into me on many occasions.We have been to the doctors,as I thought it could be neurological.We went to a consultant, after waiting almost 2 years on the NHS.She just kept talking about Parkinson's, which my husband definitely does not have.Although I suspect he has some dementia symptoms.He is 66 this has been happening over 4 years and becoming a worry. Consultant was not helpful, in fact we felt despair when we left the hospital.Sleep walking can be alarming, our son used to sleep walk.Always worth getting it checked out by a GP. They usually brush you off,like they have with us. But please persist if it's a worry to you.

Thank you everyone. The sleep walking is something that’s been around all his life- it comes and goes- so not too worried about that. It’s being attacked that has shaken me and it’s not something that I could have got out of the way of without waking him because he is physically a lot stronger than me.

No Parkinsons in the family and no dementia. DH is only early 50s.

Sorry to hear that other people have experienced this too and really sorry @Anon3837 to hear that your husband was beaten up in a racist attack- how horrifying. How is he now?

I will talk to DH about stress as I’m sure there is a link between that and disturbed sleep. I’ll suggest he talks to the GP if anything like this happens again. He is more upset than me, I think, and I’m really keen not to make worrying about this be another source of stress.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences and it’s good to hear that this can be just an isolated incident. Hats off to your mum, @Thunderpants88 , for managing to see the funny side- not sure I would!