Horrible sleep incident, how would you react?

[DoubleTribble]

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. DH is lovely and we have a very good relationship. He has occasionally had issues with sleepwalking but not for a while.

Last night I was fast asleep when I was awoken by him grabbing me- not like a normal grab but like he was attacking me. I woke with a shriek which woke him up thank goodness. He had been having a dream about an intruder and thought he was grabbing the intruder before beating him up. (To be clear this is very much a dream incident- DH isn’t someone who has ever beaten anyone up.)

I wasn’t injured but it was a really horrible shock for both of us and I’m really not sure what to do about it. I mean, nothing I suppose- it’s probably a one off. But it made me worry that if his sleepwalking comes back I’ll feel a lot less relaxed about it. He’s a big bloke and there’s no way I could fight him off if he didn’t wake up.

Obviously I am slightly catastrophising from one incident. I have been reassuring to him and not mentioned any of this worry as he is really upset about it.

What was funny is about a month later Mum punched Dad in his sleep because she was having a nightmare 😂😂😂 it’s like her dreams ensured she got her own back

I don't know offhand.

@DoubleTribble
It’s being attacked that has shaken me and it’s not something that I could have got out of the way of without waking him because he is physically a lot stronger than me.

Thats fair enough, but your reaction did wake him without consequence so perhaps that would be the way to go for you on the off chance it happens again.

Getting help for stress and your DH getting the right amont of good sleep will also help. I wish yo both good luck with it.

The way you're talking about it makes it sound as if you think it was deliberate?

It sounds like he had some sort of a night terror. I think you both need to acknowledge that this wasn't pleasant, but that's that. If you stew on it it'll create more stress for him and contribute to the possibility of it happening again

The way you're talking about it makes it sound as if you think it was deliberate?

Does it? I’m really surprised by that.

This except the other way around. He crept in at night trying not to wake me. I was fast asleep and he woke me up by sliding in gently I hit him 🙄😱on the shoulder I was mortified to be fair I was dreaming about being James Bond at the time 🤣hasn’t happened since

Yes.

You weren't attacked - that implies some degree of intent and motive behind it.

It’s physical description of what happened 🤷‍♀️

Dh has done this quite a bit. I have usually managed to wake him. He is always worse when stressed. That’s the big trigger but he has a huge history of sleep walking and talking as does his family in general. You have to be very careful walking him if he falls asleep on the sofa where the general technique is to keep repeating his name until it registers. Names rather than shocks work. He is very gentle in day to day life but also nearly a foot bigger than me

I am your husband. I have done all sorts in a half awake dream state, some of which I vaguely remember when I reminded of it the next day but often I have no recollection. I have clawed at my poor DH in my sleep so that my nails broke the skin. I half wake up screaming, which terrifies him. Jump out of bed flailing about the room, looking out the curtains, screaming that we are in danger in some way. It usually happens when I'm feeling very stressed in work, have a deadline, or too much to organise and feel overwhelmed. I've written the weirdest things in Notes on my phone during some of these episodes, which make no sense at all. eg "Quick getaway: bagel Crispin my place in kitchen" or "Ready teddy teddington (pw). or "4.03 Man's "voice"" . I mean, WTF. I need a psychiatrist.

I did go to the GP because I actually injured my leg in one episode (I was sleeping in another room and came to on the floor screaming and in agony). I'd given myself a large haematoma, the swelling looked like a whole other knee joint. It was as big as a clenched fist. I had also bumped myhead slightly on the corner of the bedside table. DH came running in and thought I must have half killed myself. I thought "enough is enough" and went to see the GP about the sleep issue. They enrolled me for some online sleep course. I didn't find it particularly helpful as it was all about setting good sleep routines when what was probably the cause of mine was just stress from my daily life coming out in my sleep.

So these things do happen. And yes, they can cause injuries, to both oneself and one's bed partner. My DH is obviously physically stronger than me so a lot of the times it'shappened hes been able to hold my arms to stop me lashing out at him. But it's worse the other way round if the dreaming partner is physically stronger.

I'd suggest he goes to the GP and ask to be referred to a sleep clinic. Don't let him be fobbed off with any online sleep course.

Hopefully it's just a one-off, but if it persists it is the kind of thing they address at a sleep disorder clinic. It happens when the paralysis element of sleep is out of step with the dreaming element.

However it might never happen again - I once woke up convinced a giant spider thing was about to crush me, and I was throwing punches everywhere. That was at least 20 years ago and hasn't happened since.

@CurlyhairedAssassin That’s a really helpful post, thank you.

My husband has grabbed me once and often has very scary shouty dreams / terrors where he is visably distressed/ scared it's always something to do with me / the kids / someone breaking in, I feel for him but it's also really fucking annoying

I went through a phase of it several years ago. I tried to walk out the house in my nighty (in my dream I was putting the rubbish out, at least that was what I said to my husband at the time.) Other times I turned the cooker on and one occasion woke up lying on the sofa smoking a fag.

My husband was worried as at the time he worked nights.

We ended up making the place safe eg double locking the door with the keys away, putting lighters etc away, and turning the (electric) cooker off at the socket.

It stopped after a while, though I still sleep talk. It seems it was due to stress...I got married, my dad died suddenly, we bought our first home and I was in a job I absolutely hated.

I didn't see a GP cos I couldn't see what they could do. This was about 30 years back though. We just dealt with it by making the house safe.

^ This.
About 40 years ago in my parents village the wife half severed the husbands penis in her sleep, after a few days of killing turkeys and duck before Christmas. The mind can do strange things in our sleep.

My dh once tried to break my fingers in his sleep. Similar to your dh mine was dreaming that he was being mugged so grabbed the mugger's hand and bent his fingers back to get his wallet back. Except it was my hand. I have very hyper mobile fingers so was a bit sore but fine, I think that there would have been some damage otherwise!

This must have been around 18 years ago. Never happened before and never happened since. He's very much not a violent or angry person.

This happened to me. My thigh was covered in bruises the next day day from where he had gripped me.

Just like yours did, my DH woke up as soon as I yelled. He is also prone to sleep disturbances, whether that is sleep walking or terrors, when stressed/upset.

There have been a few incidences over the last 25 years of sharing a bed but they really are few and far between and absolutely not intentional.

I understand how alarming it is at the time, but also how upset my DH was.

@DoubleTribble this has happened to me with my DH too. I’ve been violently shaken (he was dreaming that I was having a seizure) and grabbed but the final straw was being hit in the face. All while asleep with little memory of what had just happened other than him feeling very confused and scared.

GP referred DH to a sleep clinic where they monitored him overnight and then gave medication. He also has mild sleep apnoea despite not being in the usual risk category.

It is very, very scary and we had separate rooms for quite some time until he had reliably stopped having night terrors. It still happens occasionally but only usually when he’s overtired or extremely stressed but even then it’s not as bad. Usually just sitting up and shouting as if something bad is happening.

He needs to make sure he’s exercising, eating a good diet with plenty of protein and not too many processed foods, taking time out to manage stress and see the GP.

My dad does that. On a regular basis.
My parents had to resort sleeping in different beds as my mum was getting bruises regularly from my dad trashing around in the middle of a nightmare.

Im not sure what else can be done when this is a regular occurence.

Go to the GP

@Bulldog01
This could be Lewy Body Dementia starting. Please speak to his GP or neurologist. It's important to get a diagnosis because some medication can be very dangerous if a patient has LBD or Parkinson's.

@REM Sleep Disorder can often be a precursor to Parkinson's and certain dementias. Please see his GP.

I once shouted at my 8yr old to fuck off whilst asleep…..

Another sufferer here.. I am the one with the night terrors and general disturbance but I have never been violent.

I will say that for me that stress is the most likely cause especially work stress. Another trigger is going to bed late especially if caused by working on screens late. I try to wind down now more.
It’s worth considering if your husband works late (work socialising or on screens late, etc.) or games late.

My mother once woke up my father hitting her, he woke up and said he had a dream about fighting a man