Horrible sleep incident, how would you react?

[DoubleTribble]

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. DH is lovely and we have a very good relationship. He has occasionally had issues with sleepwalking but not for a while.

Last night I was fast asleep when I was awoken by him grabbing me- not like a normal grab but like he was attacking me. I woke with a shriek which woke him up thank goodness. He had been having a dream about an intruder and thought he was grabbing the intruder before beating him up. (To be clear this is very much a dream incident- DH isn’t someone who has ever beaten anyone up.)

I wasn’t injured but it was a really horrible shock for both of us and I’m really not sure what to do about it. I mean, nothing I suppose- it’s probably a one off. But it made me worry that if his sleepwalking comes back I’ll feel a lot less relaxed about it. He’s a big bloke and there’s no way I could fight him off if he didn’t wake up.

Obviously I am slightly catastrophising from one incident. I have been reassuring to him and not mentioned any of this worry as he is really upset about it.

Oh no, how scary. That happened to my friend when their husband had had tramadol.

i think separate rooms until he gets some therapy to get the stress out.

What?! so if you were attacked by someone drugged/drunk you couldn’t describe it as being attacked? Or if someone with dementia? Same thing really. You could argue they weren’t in control so no intent there too. The actions and outcome are still the same though.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa it depends how intoxicated, and yes, I would say someone with dementia doesn't have capacity to intend it!

From a legal perspective it's not exactly an attack is it? Attack implies that he intended to hurt her. He clearly didn't.

I’ve had some really weird sleep things. Luckily not any recently!! My DH is relieved..

• as a kid trying to climb out of window (ground floor)
• told my mum she wasn’t my real mum, just pretending
• 20 years old living abroad, left the flat I lived in and walked to train station 😳
• Shook my DH awake when we were early dating saying ‘someone in the house’ and then passed out again
• shook DH awake saying there was a hole in the bed
• shook DH awake saying ‘giant spider’

I hope this is a one off but do get your DH to keep on top of his stress and try your GP if needed

I think you’re confusing attack and assault.

attack - an aggressive and violent act against a person or place

assault - legally an assault is committed when the Defendant intentionally or recklessly causes violence

I used to know someone who tried to strangle his wife in his sleep. He was banned from eating cheese before going to bed, because it gave him nightmares.

It didn't happen a second time.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa attack infers that there was intent.

I also never ever co-slept with my baby/toddler children because of my night terrors. I used to have awful nightmares that they were under the covers or under my partner when they were sleeping nicely in their cots.

Gosh that does sound scary, I'm not surprised you're both a bit shaken 😳 I would definitely get him to see the GP if anything like it happens again.

I have a friend who's husband has night terrors - he didn't attack her but would stand up on the bed shouting and bashing the wall behind the bed - she said the plaster was all broken up under the wallpaper! It did frighten her and they now have separate rooms and are still together and happy (and sleep better!)

My Grandad used to have flashbacks from the war and be in kind of fight mode during sleep or wake up in a state. Sometimes he pushed my Granny out of bed or shoved her. She says it was scary and sometimes was a bit battered but she did understand. They did stay sleeping in the same bed until one of them died at like 82, even though they had a spare room. Quite sweet really. They met at school. He was such a gentle soul and hated the war. He never wou oh d speak about it but missing 2 years so likely in a prison of war camp.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/nov/20/brian-thomas-dream-strangler-tragedy
Please ensure he gets medical help and sleep separately until then OP. This is a serious sleep disorder. It is not his fault at all, but now he knows he needs to take full responsibility.