My colleague keeps touching me and I don’t want it

[colleaguebeingtoohandsy]

I don’t want to offend or cause an issue, but I don’t feel comfortable with it. I work in care, it’s a very ‘cliquey’ place.

Older male colleague, very hands on and whispers at me when talking, or full on arms around me. He could just be trying to be friendly, he’s always smiling and laughing, but I don’t like being touched and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make a fuss in case I’m seen as an ‘issue’, because I see a few other colleagues hug him back (female) and so maybe it’s just OK?

I feel daft worrying about this, I’m senior staff for goodness sake.

Senior staff but not senior to him; we would be on an equal footing, I’m just senior to carers and support team.

I wouldn't like this either. Can you physically take a step back whenever he tries to touch you?

I tried that today, was pulled in very close for a full on hug which I didn’t want but didn’t feel able to do anything. I barely know him, I don’t even hug female colleagues that I do know!

You need to speak to him first.

"Bill, I'm really not a hugger, please don't do it, thanks".

If possible, make sure there are others around to overhear/witness what you've said.

If it doesn't stop, then take it higher.

I'm a very huggy/touchy person who likes being hugged touched, but you aren't & that's ok too.

just tell him that it's nothing personal, but you're not a 'hugger'.

if you say it nicely & not 'ewww get off me' I'm sure it'll all be fine!

”ooooh, no hugs thanks. I don’t like it”

I think you're going to need to tell him to stop, as he's not picking up on your discomfort with his behaviour. Next time he tries to put his arms or hands on you be prepared to move away and say "actually, Dave, I would prefer if you didn't do that".

If he forces a hug after you've told him you don't want any physical contact you really can say "Dave, get off me, I told you not to do that". And then report to HR as he has been inappropriate.

'Bill I'm not touchy feely, how about a manly fist bump instead?'. I've used that on colleagues and spouses of friends in the past and it worked.

Speak up and step smartly aside while holding out your hands as if an annoying dog was about to jump up on you. A Barbara Woodhouse tone might help.

I'm a hugger but that's entirely beside the point. He is assuming that you want to be touched by him, which is unacceptable.
I'm guessing he doesn't do this to male members of staff 🙄

It's not OK! It most definitely is not OK and I doubt anyone would see you as an 'issue' if you were to say to him "please do not touch, hug or invade my private space - you are violating my boundaries". Easier said than done, I know, but you might be surprised how many of your colleagues feel similarly, but are not willing to rock the boat, and will applaud you for telling this creep to back off!

Signa et terminos OP, as the Romans would have said - 'standards and boundaries'

Good luck

Absolutely not making a fuss to be unhappy about a male colleague touching and hugging you. Some men just love to make women feel uncomfortable.

A big step back when he approaches and a firm "no hugs thank you" plus a conversation with my line manager is what I would do.

I'd speak to his line manager and explain that his unwanted touching is making you feel uncomfortable.

I'd then bring in a water pistol and when he stepped towards me would give him a couple of squirts in the face and firmly say, "No!"

Step back with arms held out. Matter of fact but firm 'thanks, but I'm not a hugger'. Smile politely. Carry on with discussion.

“No hugs thank you” covers it. Why are you putting his potential discomfort above your own actual discomfort? He needs to know this is not ok!

I’d just tell him politely that you don’t like to be touched, same as I would if he happened to be female. If he is as friendly as he makes himself out to be, he will (should) be mortified, apologise and stop. If he gets defensive or doesn’t stop, I’d go higher.

I wouldn’t automatically go nuclear over something that could be resolved just by speaking to him, though.

I would take a step back but also put both hands up in a "stop" gesture to make your body language really clear and put a physical barrier between you so it makes it more difficult to put his arms round you.

It's not ok. He knows it's not ok. He is taking advantage of your fear of being seen as unreasonable to override your wishes.

You've got to tell him no, that's not ok

He's a sex pest hiding in plain sight.

You are going to have to say something. I suggest that a quiet 'Never do that to me again' might be a good start, and if he ignores that then you will have to progress to 'GERROFF!'.

I’m in exactly the same position- though different sector. I raised it with my line manager, partly because I shouldn’t need to be practicing my moves to fend him off.

I feel strongly that we shouldn’t need to declare ourselves ‘not a hugger/tactile’. Men shouldn’t be manhandling women in the workplace.

I will be doing the classic stop ✋ sign, and saying that touching women you work with can make them uncomfortable.

I refuse to frame it as a me problem. It’s a Him problem.

Dave I can tell you are a huggy person but I find it uncomfortable. I didn't want to offend you before but I really don't like it. First pump instead?

Get off me!!! would be my response, fuck being polite. I hate being hugged by someone I don't know very well.

DD recommends "Touch me again you worm and I'll break your nose".
Would that fly in your workplace?

Great suggestion. Do this.

Why do I suspect he won't take kindly to being told to desist and will turn it round on you being a cold fish or some such? He must be very insensitive if he hasn't realised you aren't receptive to his huggy/gropey ways or he does know but thinks he can force you to acquiese i.e. dominate you. Not on.