My colleague keeps touching me and I don’t want it

[colleaguebeingtoohandsy]

I don’t want to offend or cause an issue, but I don’t feel comfortable with it. I work in care, it’s a very ‘cliquey’ place.

Older male colleague, very hands on and whispers at me when talking, or full on arms around me. He could just be trying to be friendly, he’s always smiling and laughing, but I don’t like being touched and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make a fuss in case I’m seen as an ‘issue’, because I see a few other colleagues hug him back (female) and so maybe it’s just OK?

I feel daft worrying about this, I’m senior staff for goodness sake.

Ugh. He's a slimeball. Angry on your behalf, OP. Even if he isn't being sexually harassing, he is surely conscious of deciding that other people's boundaries and comfort just aren't his concern.

If possible, communicate with body language, as others have suggested. But if that doesn't work, tell him flat out that his behaviour isn't appropriate. Or kick him in the fucking balls.

"He could just be trying to be friendly, he’s always smiling and laughing"

He is Not just trying to be friendly. It must be obvious you are not responding and don't like it. He's always smiling and laughing so that if anyone said Don't do that, he can pretend it was all just good fun and say... oh but can't you take a joke.
Call him out. Every time. Best phrase I've seen on here is "I am not a hugger" or simply "Stop doing that. Its annoying." Be prepared for him to come back with some kind of remark indicating that you are a bad sport or hinting you are probably frigid and be prepared to say very clearly. "No that is not true. I simply dont want to be touched by male colleagues in the work place."

I worked with someone like this, a woman. She's just been let go, partially because one of her juniors said in their exit interview that her hugs were one of the main reasons he was leaving.

"stop touching me!" very loudly
If it happens again: scream.
Escalate to management

Does he only hug the female staff?

“All laughs and smiles”that’s exactly how they get away with it,masking their true intentions.Jimmy Saville was all laughs and smiles as he hugged the unwilling nurses….

Step back, you big smelly bastard!!

Arm up, step back.
No hugs.
Be firm.

Ugh, what an arse. Tell him to stop. "I don't want that, please," and if he doesn't stop, definitely take it higher. It is not OK.

@colleaguebeingtoohandsy you need to just say to him "do you mind not doing that. You are making me uncomforable!" if he doesnt stop, then you must go to your manager and report him!

Don't be afraid of hurting his male ego, or making yourself look silly. He may just be a friendly guy or he might be getting cheap pervy thrills (probably the latter). Either way, you must tell him otherwise it will continue. I also loath being hugged by strangers and I make it clear without being offensive. I usually say something like "Oh no, I really don't like being hugged. I'm not a very touchy feely person, sorry Fred!" (or whatever his name is). Say it in front of people with a big smile on your face.

Is this the 50's thread?

Totally unacceptable. I bet the other women hate it too. Have you asked them? Maybe you should collectively tell him to back the fuck off.
It's gross.

All of the above, but do it when there are other people around to witness it.

I agree that a lot of the other women won't like it either.

As you're in more a senior position than some he's groping, you are also within your rights to raise it with more senior management, to avoid potential problems later.

He's a sexual predator and enjoys the power it gives him over you and your other colleagues.

He is using his jolly, smiling demeanour and 'being friendly' as an excuse to grope female members of staff.

Does he hug any other males in the workplace or just females?

I had a boss who told me he only hugged the women. Not this one. I was furious and wouldn't let him near me.

Tell him you don't like it - simple

I say loudly and in a snooty voice "Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been!"

Actually I've also said a lot worse in different touching circumstances but I understand why you don't want to make a massive deal about it.

It's unpleasant and he shouldn't be doing it to anyone. With the laws now touching anyone at work when it is wholly unnecessary could land the people who do it in very hot water and delay promotions or even get sacked for it.

You do have to be quite firm though and keep him at more than arms length, stepping away when he steps in. Then state something like that you are not someone who enjoys hugs, not personal but please don't do that again, I don't like it. If he does it again, state it again, some need a couple of warnings.

Sometimes it's just easier to not allow him into your personal space or loudly proclaim you need to be elsewhere and break free from his clutches. Some people are huggers but they shouldn't force it on anyone.

Being touched without consent is assault.

Firm glare, duck and run. Hand up in front of you as he comes up to you and basically stare him down. It is possible, have confidence.

Years ago, I enlisted other people to stand near me too, that's what I had to do with a creepy lecturer once! He used to glide in behind me, pinning me to a bench.

You're allowed to be a 'Don't touch me' person, just as he is allowed to be a 'huggy' person. You don't need to make a big deal of it - just have the conversation. No need for a 'formal' chat, just an honest one.

That said, this is happening in a workplace. Not exactly appropriate.

Yes, you must make sure you're nice to him while telling him to stop upsetting you. Otherwise people might think you're hysterical 🙄

So other colleagues are fine with it - as your mum used to ask, if they stuck their hand in the fire, would you do the same? You don't have to copy them.

Ask nicely if you like, but you do not have to ask him nicely. You don't have to smile and make light of it. It would be ok for you to tell him firmly, I am not coming near you because you always touch me and I do not want you to. It would also be ok to tell him, one day someone new might make a formal complaint about your unwanted hugs, so you might consider asking for permission in future before grabbing someone. Either stop worrying about offending him, or just tell him to stop...

Tell him firmly you have too. His behaviour is making you uncomfortable it's wrong.

Next time it happens, use some self-defence moves on the groper.

(Loudly) "For goodness sake Fred stop putting your hands on me/cuddling me/patting my bum. I am not a doll!"

Repeat as needed.

Love this reply. It's so true. It doesn't matter if the OP is a hugger or not, this isn't appropriate behaviour in a workplace. It's definitely a HIM problem.