Father spending inheritance

[tobiasthekitty]

My mother (68) recently died, she was our family's main earner until she got sick (Dad deluded and not very good businessman). She knew about my father's issues and decided not to do anything to protect me and my brother.

My father (80) was and is abusive, and is, I suspect, a grandiose narc. I don't want to go into massive details about why we don't get on, but he was mildly sexually abusive to me and more so to my much older half sister. He bought himself a very expensive sports car recently. I don't necessarily care about this, but hate that he's basically using my mum's money, which she would have used more sensibly, in this way. He is likely to disinherit me as I don't visit him.

I don't really have a question but welcome thoughts from those who have been through similar. My brother could use any money as he and gf are very much hand to mouth, so I'm considering just letting him take anything that can be salvaged if I'm not disinherited. I don't want to embarrass him, as am not mega rich myself but also am lucky to have a partner with a decent wage. We're not married, no kids yet. Am I mad to discount any inheritance?

I am aware that inheritance is very presumptive but just wanted to see what people think in general.

I doubt your mum would have wanted to see you disinherited. Your own financial position could benefit from a share of whatever is left (if any is!)

Sorry TBA - OP makes us sound potentially older, I'm v early 30s brother is mid 30s, if relevant.

I don’t expect any inheritance from my DP nor did my DH from his.

I suggest you live your life with no expectations of an inheritance too. Cast it from your mind completely.

It sounds like this would have disappointed your mum which is sad.

Unfortunately she didn't make a will and the money is your father's now to do whatever he pleases.

If your mum didn't write in her will leaving you anything then I don't think there is much you can do !!

Unfortunately if the money has passed onto your dad there is very little you can do about it. Do you know if he has a will or not ?

Inheritance is what is left after a person dies. You don't have one.

Your father isn't spending your inheritance, he's spending his money.

You may or may not inherit something when he goes. You want to know if it would be unreasonable to give this hypothetical money to your brother?
No, it wouldn't be unreasonable.

Well it’s his money. The real fault (if there is any) lies with your mum. She obviously wanted him to have it?

You have to assume that he’ll spend his money and may well not will anything left over to you. It’s unfortunate, but presumably your mum was well aware that you don’t have a good relationship with your father and that he isn’t good with money, yet still didn’t choose to write her will to make sure you inherited something from her.

Sadly this^
It’s likely there’s a joint will? If not, usually everything passes to the partner upon death. How did your DM get on with your father? Did she know of the abuse.. It’s very difficult, he’s spending the savings perhaps but presumably you’ll get a share of the house.

I’m sorry for your loss.

It's not your inheritance though. It's his money

She said to me, before she died, that she trusted my father to pass everything to us. No idea why. I obviously disagreed, but gave up when she was too ill to discuss. She trusted this awful man (DF). Obviously there's nothing I can do about it but it makes me a bit sad. Especially for my brother, she definitely would have wanted to help him.

I mainly just wanted to share/get thoughts.

Yes, I agree. She knew about the abuse of her kids, his kids, and the horrible way he treated her too.

I'd let go of any money. Chances are it's going to be gone by the time your DF dies.

If your brother needs financial help then do what you can for him yourself. It doesn't have to be cash - offering lifts, cooking for them once in a while, childcare.

I'm sorry that you suffered such vile abuse from your father.

She knew her dh abused his dc and didn't leave him. She had money but didn't safeguard it, it's not your money it's your dad to spend how he wishes it was never yours to begin with.

He did, drafted with my mum, but he has threatened to change to benefit one of his older daughters (who he abused). No idea if that will happen.

I agree it was never my money - was never loads - but I think my mum would have wanted us to have it, or some of it, given what she said to me. Maybe not given that never happened, but she claimed to hate my dad. Maybe a lesson there.

It’s not an inheritance as your dad hasn’t passed away sadly. It’s his money and he’s spending it the way he wants. Obviously when the time comes you’ll inherit but it won’t be yet.

She had no fun like this - but get that it's his money now I understand why.

just letting him take anything that can be salvaged
I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting.

At the time your father dies, the remaining estate will be distributed according to his will or the intestacy rules if there isn't one. If you want to gift him something either before or subsequently, that's up to you.

I mean, it is not an ideal situation, clearly but there is very little you can or should do.

This.

Your mum left her estate to your dad. Regardless of what sort of person he is, she chose to stay with him and chose to leave her estate to him. None of it is yours, so you shouldn't be thinking of it in that way in the first place.

I understand, but I hope that you can understand that it's upsetting.

If your mum "would have wanted you to have it", she had the option to leave it to you. But she chose not to take that option.

It seems that in death, as in life, she has chosen to enable your dad.

It is obviously upsetting, but it is how it is.