Father spending inheritance

[tobiasthekitty]

My mother (68) recently died, she was our family's main earner until she got sick (Dad deluded and not very good businessman). She knew about my father's issues and decided not to do anything to protect me and my brother.

My father (80) was and is abusive, and is, I suspect, a grandiose narc. I don't want to go into massive details about why we don't get on, but he was mildly sexually abusive to me and more so to my much older half sister. He bought himself a very expensive sports car recently. I don't necessarily care about this, but hate that he's basically using my mum's money, which she would have used more sensibly, in this way. He is likely to disinherit me as I don't visit him.

I don't really have a question but welcome thoughts from those who have been through similar. My brother could use any money as he and gf are very much hand to mouth, so I'm considering just letting him take anything that can be salvaged if I'm not disinherited. I don't want to embarrass him, as am not mega rich myself but also am lucky to have a partner with a decent wage. We're not married, no kids yet. Am I mad to discount any inheritance?

I am aware that inheritance is very presumptive but just wanted to see what people think in general.

Whilst he may be a horrible man it's his money to spend any way he wants.

You need to take your entitlement out of the equation. Regardless of what your mum wanted you are not entitled to anything unless your dad leaves it you. It's his money now, he can spend it all or end up in a care home needing support and it could go on that.

I wouldn't spend time with someone who sexually abused me no. I'd cast him out your life and forget he exists.

Your dad sounds really awful and tbh should be in prison imo, I’m really sorry you went through that.

On inheritance, to be blunt if either I or DH passes away the money belongs to the remaining spouse not our child. Obviously both of us would be horrified at the idea that the other wouldn’t give some thought to our child but the money isn’t really hers until we are both dead. if my Dh couldn’t be trusted I would a) probably not be married to him b) make provision in my will to make sure my children got some of my estate.

Your mum is at fault here, she didn’t protect you or your interests at any point really. He obviously shares the bigger portion of the blame but she could have taken steps and she didn’t.

I had this issue with step dad, luckily my mum wrote in the will that the house was to be split 4 ways upon his death, which it was (2 kids each), but essentially step dad had a few hundred thousand pounds in the bank which he both pissed months wall and have to his kids - solicitor was a complete &#%¥ who just said think yourself lucky you're getting anything - she was working for him as the executor

It's so difficult to see someone horrible benefiting from being horrible to their loved ones, but the only way through now is to forget the money exists. Your dad might fritter it all away, or might need it for care in time, or will it away elsewhere if there's anything left. In your position, I would assume I wasn't going to see a penny of it and move on from there. The same for your brother and other siblings. Inheritances are never really guaranteed, throw an abuser into the mix and all bets are off.

I really feel for you, it's bad enough having your childhood spoiled by an abuser but to have them continuing to have any power over you as an adult is tough. Therefore your only recourse is to walk away as if they don't exist and not let them have that power. I hope you find some peace soon OP.

Where is your oldest sister in this? Surely, she would inherit as well?

Although given he sexually abused her she may not want anything. I didn't.

Much as I understand your dismay the Executor was not working for him but working for your mother and ensuring the terms of your mother's Will were met. That is their role. She couldn't just give you the money legally left to him.

OP you are in the same situation. Your mother made choices. However you say she was the main earner but then didn't know how to do bills etc.

She chose to live with her husband until she died and he was 80 and could have left at any time or made a will. But she didn't and therfore legally it is his money to put in an account to not touch or spend on anything and for him to leave to whoever he wants

Despite you saying you want to make sure your brother gets help it seems like you are protesting too. You will have to accept there may be nothing left to you. That's not just on your Dad but your Mum too.

However there is no reason for you to continue to see him if you don't want to.

Mentally 'writing off' an inheritance is actually very freeing.

Assume there will be nothing, advise your DB to do the same.

This way you can decide what you want to do about contact with your father. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just be less available, don't automatically answer if he calls, don't visit if you don't want to, don't invite him if you don't want to.

Do what you want. If you assume there will be no inheritance then it has no power.

OP, I'm so sorry to read about all that you have been through 😔
You take lots of care

Do what you want. If you assume there will be no inheritance then it has no power.

This is spot on

Your Dad is spending his own money and its none of your business what he spends it on.
Its a shame your Mum didn't make a will to give you and/or your brother anything but she must have known what he was like and decided to leave everything to him anyway

Thats unlikely to happen so the sooner you accept that and move on the better.
Its sad and unfair but nothing you can do

At the end of the day, all inheritance is unfair. Noone 'deserves' an inheritance, and whether or not you receive one is a random accident of birth.

It is crap seeing a horrible person benefit from someone else's hard work, but your dad isn't the first to do so, and he won't be the last.

You only have control over your own actions and choices. You can choose to live your life not expecting an inheritance, and it will likely feel very freeing not to feel obligated towards a man who has hurt you.

Definitely don't spend time with an abusive man for the sake of money, as it will never be worth it. No amount of money could compensate for the abusive childhood that your dad inflicted on you (and your mum emabled) anyway. Your best choice is likely to be to try to work through the emotional legacy of your childhood, and cut ties with your dad.

Unfortunately, if your mum left it all to your dad then it’s his to do as he pleases with. I think you’re just going to have to accept this is simply another way in which your mum has failed you, beyond allowing an abusive and financially irresponsible man into your lives.

Sorry OP - I would assume you will inherit nothing as your father will likely spend it all, and your mum has allowed it to be this way.

You’re not getting any money anyway so you’ve nothing to lose - never see him again!

Sorry, OP as galling as it is, it's his money to do what he wants with. It's not your inheritance because he's not dead yet.

Sorry for the loss of your DM, OP.

And sorry that she didn't protect you while she was alive and while you were a child from your F's abuse.
I can imagine you may have conflicted feelings about her; you mention she was scared of him and trapped by society expectations. But as the "main breadwinner" she clearly was able and smart and you did deserve a parent to protect you.

If you don't visit your F then try not to focus on how he spends his time and his money. Plan that you will receive nothing. If you did, then you can decide whether to divert to your brother. Seek counselling if you think it may help, you have had a tough childhood and a bereavement.

Yes.

It sounds as though he was abusive to you, your half sister, your mum. You don't have to see him.

He isn't spending your inheritance, he's spending his money.

If your mother wanted you to have any of it she should have left it to you in her will.

Your mum obviously didn't have the strength to see a solicitor on her own account during her lifetime, which is a sad reflection on how she was living.

For anyone in any doubt, all dealings with solicitors are protected with cast iron confidentiality. Just like her vote in a private polling booth, a married woman has a legally guarded right to making her own will and keeping it entirely private from her husband, her kids, anyone.

If your dad saw her walking out of a solicitors office and went in demanding to know why she was there, they can't and absolutely won't tell him. It's the same with banking etc and I wish more married women knew this.

The whole situation is terribly upsetting, especially the childhood abuse.
Unfortunately your Mum didn't take the action that was needed to make sure her money came to her children, and that is upsetting too. But I don't think there is anything at all you can do about it sadly.
Wishing you and your brother all the best in moving forward, and away from this abuser who is your father. Maybe he will decide to leave you some money, maybe not. Maybe he won't get round to making a will in which case you will inherit! Meanwhile let it go and live your lives.

I get it OP. It can be galling to see bad people benefit financially. We had a situation in our family where a deceased parent left all of their money to the "golden child" who is an awful person and cut their other children out of the will. It is just a shit situation all round and doesn't feel fair.

But posters are right, it was your mum's failure and the only way you can be free of all of the hurt about how unjust it is, is to choose to let it go. Remove the power of any potential inheritance by walking away and telling yourself there won't be any.

You can choose to be free of it all and free of your father. You are under no obligation to see him. If you want to walk away from him you don't need anyone else's permission to do so apart from your own.

If seeing your dad makes you feel miserable and shaken and he treats you badly, you need to prioritise your own needs and stop seeing him. If you don't mind seeing him and think you might regret it later, then you could continue.

Mostly when one half off a married couple dies their whole estate passes to their spouse. And that's it. My mum died 10 years ago and my father is still alive living in a care home. It's his money to spend and likely all of their joint resources will be spent on his care. My siblings and I expect nothing. Your Dad could live for another 20 years or more so forget about the money and get on with your life.