Father spending inheritance

[tobiasthekitty]

My mother (68) recently died, she was our family's main earner until she got sick (Dad deluded and not very good businessman). She knew about my father's issues and decided not to do anything to protect me and my brother.

My father (80) was and is abusive, and is, I suspect, a grandiose narc. I don't want to go into massive details about why we don't get on, but he was mildly sexually abusive to me and more so to my much older half sister. He bought himself a very expensive sports car recently. I don't necessarily care about this, but hate that he's basically using my mum's money, which she would have used more sensibly, in this way. He is likely to disinherit me as I don't visit him.

I don't really have a question but welcome thoughts from those who have been through similar. My brother could use any money as he and gf are very much hand to mouth, so I'm considering just letting him take anything that can be salvaged if I'm not disinherited. I don't want to embarrass him, as am not mega rich myself but also am lucky to have a partner with a decent wage. We're not married, no kids yet. Am I mad to discount any inheritance?

I am aware that inheritance is very presumptive but just wanted to see what people think in general.

I think you should prepare for the worst - you and your brother not getting anything when he passes away.

I do mean this kindly - it doesn’t matter what you think your mum wanted, you just don’t know the ins and outs of the marriage and what they arranged. Personally I would let go of any potential inheritance you or your siblings may get and focus on yourselves now.

She told me she was scared of him and that's why she didn't do anything. I did report but they just gave her extra painkillers.

Agree. And agree with @TarantinoIsAMisogynist

Your DM died. Sorry to hear that. You DF is living his current life. You should live yours.

"All the old dears" Ffs.

It’s bound to be upsetting but you’ve got to just walk away and forget it. Your mum put all the eggs in his basket knowing he’s abused you. I’d just try to move on now.

Inheritance isn’t guaranteed especially with narc parents who will delight in seeing their children struggle while they have it all. Your mum enabled your dad sadly.

He's not a DF, and ruined her funeral. I'm more concerned about my brother getting what I know my mum would have wanted for him.

I'm sorry but if she really wanted it she'd have made a will to that effect.

If I were you I would take the opportunity now to get some counselling/therapy around this now because for sure it will get worse as your father ages. You have been hurt enough and need to protect yourself .

You didn't know her. She was scared of him, and scared of the social repercussions. As many women are.
.

I've had some and I don't think it's helped loads tbh - maybe will look into later

He's not dead yet. It's not sn inheritance- it's just his money.
You need to separate out your feelings from the darts.

Let it go OP. Don't think about the what ifs and the "how unfairs". I am telling you now, inheritance and the thoughts of inheritance can create such heart ache. There is absolutely nothing you can do about any of this. Let it go.

Legally it's his. You can't do anything about it unfortunately

I understand that it's really upsetting to see a parent squander money or disrespect the memory of the deceased parent. It sounds a really hard situation. I don't think many people who are married know they can bequeath money to children when their spouse is still alive as the money is shared so perhaps don't think they can.
I agree bereavement and other counselling can help - I'm not sure you can do anything at all about money as it's not yours or your brother's.

Another question is if it is ok for me to never see the old man again. I don't think he notices but maybe on some level he does?

She could have gone behind his back and made a new will and told you or your brother where it was . But she didn’t .

Your mum was a victim too, he probably isolated and gaslit her like a lot of narcissists do. She should have been stronger and stood up for you but she was probably so beaten down over the years she felt too mentally fragile to stand up to him.

I do understand where you are coming from - it’s not who gets the inheritance that bothers you, it’s seeing him benefit from someone he abused. Instead of being punished it feels like your mum died without ever having any retribution and rather than having consequences for his abuse your father is getting fancy cars. It is horrible, I understand how awful it must feel. Have you ever had counselling to deal with the abuse and the grief of your mum’s passing?

Just live your life & if any inheritance do what you feel is best then.

I do get it, though. My MIL, who was incredibly frugal & very vocal about her money going to her kids, passed two years ago. Her money willed to DH & SIL (I think she knew what would happen). Decision was made FIL needed the money more. FIL quickly remarried & handed/willed most to his new wife. I didn't even get along with MIL and I still feel angry for her.

I figured what affected me was seeing someone's 50 years of hard work & wishes tossed aside so easily & all that hard work for nothing. Has made me realise, despite saying the opposite, DH would remarry in a flash & everything diverted to new wife (he wouldn't think to protect DC). I'm making us both divert a decent sum of insurance to DC, legally, to ensure they are looked after. And enjoying my sacrifices instead of continuing to live frugally with nothing for myself.

Sadly I think. You need to let this go.
Your dad is abusive, your mum couldn't stand up to him.
If she wanted to ensure you inherited she would have had to change her will and left money directly to you and your siblings.
She didn't, perhaps she couldn't rock the boat with your dad, or was in denial about his character.
Either way she left everything to him and it's his money now to spend how he wants and leave to who he chooses.
I think you need to accept this and move on.
When he dies you and if your excluded from the will you could contest it if you wanted or your siblings/beneficiaries could do a variation to include you in the will if they wished.
But ultimately right now there's nothing you can do, unless I suppose you contest your mums will but I don't know how likely it is that would be succeed, I suspect chances are low but you'd need to talk to a solicitor

I really feel for you op. What a deeply unpleasant situation for you. Firstly it is absolutely fine to cut him out of your life. Clearly he brings you nothing but pain. Secondly you and your brother will be ok. The world is an abundant place. It sounds a bit woo but you can make hundreds of times your mother's estate using your own skills and knowledge. Take that as your inheritance - and try counselling again too.

I think it is quite hard to arrange these things when you're not used to sorting out your own bills, but then have death to deal with. she told me what she wanted.

I know.

@tobiasthekitty
I understand your frustration. You need to put it out of your mind, there's nothing you can do x

Thanks. I do appreciate the law is as it is. Mum said one thing then didn't follow through (lung cancer is a bitch). I do want to do the best for my bio brother.

I think the only mentally healthy way to deal with this is to walk away. Its a shame for your DB, but you cant control the situation and there is no point worrying it about it. Either you or/and DB will be left something or not. No amount of worry will change what he does.