Why are some women so nasty?

[ForOliveShaker]

I’d say I’m a woman’s woman. I’m all for supporting other women.
I work with this lady who I’ve always felt just feels a certain way towards me. It’s been noticed by others too.

1. when I got a new car she said “that’s yours? Why did you get that? What did you need a new car for?”
2. arrived at the summer work gathering and she said “oh that’s a really nice dress you look amazing….fucking bitch” (at the time we were closer freiends but regardless that’s not what you say. Particularly as I was just going through a heartbreaking separation where my ex just got up and left me)
3. She Kept commenting on my weight during my heartbreak. I couldn’t really eat or sleep without crying. At first it wasn’t too bad. But after a while it was constant. I snapped one day and said “just stop”
4. at any opportunity she has. She discusses money matters. I am an only child but I’ve been raised to remember money matters are private as we don’t know what others are experiencing.
5. I was telling her privately in the office that I was a bit drunk after our last work night out. She shouted it across the office to another colleague.
6. during my heartbreak, as aforementioned, I couldn’t eat. She kept shouting across the office how much ozempic she’s taking. It almost seemed like she was in a bid to compete

I don’t know whether she’s just bothered by me. I’ve taken my distance. But at work it’s very uncomfortable to handle someone who seems to always see things as a competition. I know she would berate me behind my back too.

what do I do?

Women in general, or this woman? You wish you had more female friends.. but you find "them" hard to deal with?

She doesn't sound like your kind of person and I'd bet that you're not hers. I find it helpful to believe that the majority of behaviour isn't personal, and the world doesn't revolve around me.

You could choose to believe that she's ragingly jealous of you though because you're better looking and drive a nice car.

As others have said, “you look amazing…fucking bitch” to express that you look really good is very common - especially if you were closer friends at the time.
(What does your “heartbreak” have to do with this, other than possibly motivating a friend to compliment you?)

Commenting on your weight (during a heartbreak): trying to compliment you.
Fine if you don’t like it. Why did you wait until you were so pissed off by the comments that you “snapped at her” before saying anything though?

You were drunk with colleagues, they probably already knew. Why would she think this was private or sensitive information?

She’s comfortable discussing money, you’re not. That’s nothing to do with you. Have you told her you don’t want to talk about money? If not, how would she know to stop?

during my heartbreak, as aforementioned, I couldn’t eat. She kept shouting across the office how much ozempic she’s taking. It almost seemed like she was in a bid to compete
She’s talking about HER weight loss. It’s not about you.

I know she would berate me behind my back too
Has she done this, or do you just think that she ‘would’?

For what you’ve described, she sounds like she’s trying to be friendly but just isn’t your sort of person.
You come across as quite uptight, and as though want everyone to remember your “heartbreak” and tiptoe around you. You sound like you don’t have much patience for other people’s humour, and as though you expect people to understand your boundaries/preferences without ever having to state them (or at least saying nothing until you eventually “snap”).

I think it’s less friendly and more vindictive. I.e. I want what you have and I won’t compliment you. So I’ll create a burning insecurity within you, because I’ve never had therapy and project my unbalanced emotions
Suggesting she’s deliberately trying to cause insecurity in you because of “unbalanced emotions” is quite a reach. It’s a bit ‘main character’ to think everything she does/says is motivated by trying to upset you.
Tbh it sounds more like you’re insecure (you blame her for this) and imagining competition as a result, you don’t like her but you want to believe you're a "woman's woman" so you’re making that her ‘fault’, you know you’re not particularly easy to be around right now so you’re accusing her of being difficult, and your emotions are unstable because of recent heartbreak, so you’re projecting those unstable emotions onto her.

I'd say keep your distance because you don't like her, but stop with the character assassination because she's done nothing wrong.

OP, it seems to me that there are several people (probably women) on this thread who are keen to engage with you on this subject which is clearly getting you down. I'm one of them, but I feel that my comments and suggestions are being met by a blanket 'Well I don't see it like that' or 'I wouldn't behave like that'. You're being quite rigid and that isn't the way to make or keep friends. Friends can disagree but need to be interested in and respectful of the other person's point of view, and willing to see their good points.

My intention in saying this is friendly. I genuinely sympathise with you not having as many friends as you'd like. Can you take my message like that, or does it seem like having a go at you? If so, this could be the real problem - that you are quick to impute bad motives to other women which means that you are missing out.

Some women are nasty for the exact reason some men are nasty and that reason is that some people are nasty. It really is that simple. Some people are shits.

You’ve got an issue with one woman. That face that you use it to complain about women in general is instructive. And perhaps it’s not a surprise you don’t have many female friends.

It can be insecurity, or narcissism or not having learnt social skills.

I have male friends. I will support other women. But I don’t find women easy to get on with. I’m autistic so I’m very naturally blunt. Most women think that’s me being a cow. But it’s not.

Okay? So making uncomfortable comments is the norm. I don’t understand that but okay.

Telling the CEO of our company I was thinking of leaving the once when I’d discussed it in passing, telling the ceo I got very drunk at the Xmas party, telling him about my separation that she overheard about! I think some of those are inexcusable.

Ok, you’ve completely misinterpreted @AnneLovesGilbert ’s comment. The issue is likely to be a combination of you failing to understand your colleague’s clearly mildly irritating personality and her clumsy attempts at humour.

Plus, surely experience has taught you that she can’t tell other people things you haven’t told her? You know she’s indiscreet, so stop telling her about getting drunk or thinking about leaving. And stop generalising about ‘women’. You’re a woman.

Hey OP. It just simply seems to me that her personality type is loud and a bit brash with some prickly edges, and that is not a good fit for you. You instinctively feel uncomfortable and are trying to make sense of contradictions in her behaviour.

Comments like you look amazing ( you bitch) are just turns of phrase. But, I personally don't like people who speak that way rather than just be genuine. It makes me uncomfortable. Just say ' ah you look great ' and mean it.

We are all weird and full of contradictions but maybe accept this person is not your cup of tea in terms of values and behaviour and keep her at an emotional distance. This is someone I'd only cope with in very very small amounts myself and I'm quite extrovert at times.

She probably just has issues with certain boundaries.

I don't think she sounds nasty - I just think you have completely different personalities and don't gel with each other very well.

Some people are just horrible twats, for various reasons, regardless of their sex. That is the long and short of it.

When people are unhappy with their own lives it's easier to tear others down than to make the changes and do the work that would improve their own situation.

If she told your boss you were planning on leaving when you weren’t and that you got smashed at the Christmas party when you didn’t, I don’t know why you led with her comments about your car and how much Ozempic she’s on.

Yeah, I thought that.

Thanks for explaining that, OP. You don't sound like a cow at all, but you sound puzzled and hurt by the way some women behave. Your colleague didn't mean you were a bitch, she was using a quite common conversational device to indicate that you're attractive and well dressed and she likes your car. I agree that men would be much less likely to use this device and so it isn't a problem with them. It's great that you have these friends.

I agree. That kind of behaviour is not OK.

Some people, it's not just women, are nasty, bitter, jealous, whatever you want to call it because they don't want to feel bottom of the pile. So by making others feel worse, small, boring, cheap, trashy they can feel better about themselves.

It's the worse way to feel better about yourself. If you can turn it around in your own mind that this is they way they big themselves up you can almost feel sorry for them.

I’ve just said I’m autistic. I don’t know anything other than literal.

Ok so that sums it up better. I feel belittled at times. Like she wants to steal my thunder. It’s like I’ll wear something and she’ll start wearing it the next week. Of course it’s a form of flattery but the comments can be upsetting.

I can agree on that

The key thing here is to keep her at a distance. Don't share anything private with her and realise you won't be the only person who doesn't like her. I've encountered worse. I have family that smile to your face and hurt you behind your back. It is so confusing.

Seek out genuine, authentic people. There aren't many. I imagined you have a good instinct for genuine people. You won't feel confused by them I guess.

My son is autistic and I value his honesty so so much. He can't understand people with confusing sides to them who just aren't honest and open about who they are.

Keep her at a distance - have stock phases - well that's incredibly rude - it's not your business.

I've met men and women who for no reason have been extremely nasty - you have to get to a point where you really don't care ( not always easy ) and think it's them not me. It may be worse for you and me Op because we are ND - and some people pick that up and don't like it subconsciously or otherwise but I know NT people who had to deal with similar people.

Having said that it took years to realise MIL competes with other women never men - often I and other women didn't realise we were competing but there lots of put downs not obvious - but higher status women she fawns over - and you can go up and down over time. It's over odd stuff. Best thing is to be completely oblivious and it does go away.

I’ve just said I’m autistic. I don’t know anything other than literal.

You've had the meaning of the comment explained in straightforward, literal terms now - more than once. It was a compliment, not an insult.
Also autistic here - we have responsibility for our miscommunications and misunderstandings, just like everyone else. Somebody using a commonly understood expression that we aren't familiar with doesn't make them vindictive or cruel, it just means we misunderstood. That one's on us, not on them.

You asked what you should do.
You can't and shouldn't try to change her behaviour; having a different sense of humour/conmunication style/idea of privacy to you doesn't make her a villain.
All you can do is change what you're doing.
Stop taking to her, because you don't get on, you don't like her, and you don't understand her.
Don't tell her private things, because your ideas of what should be kept private are different to hers.
Don't tell anybody that you don't like and trust anything you wouldn't want repeated.