Why are some women so nasty?

[ForOliveShaker]

I’d say I’m a woman’s woman. I’m all for supporting other women.
I work with this lady who I’ve always felt just feels a certain way towards me. It’s been noticed by others too.

1. when I got a new car she said “that’s yours? Why did you get that? What did you need a new car for?”
2. arrived at the summer work gathering and she said “oh that’s a really nice dress you look amazing….fucking bitch” (at the time we were closer freiends but regardless that’s not what you say. Particularly as I was just going through a heartbreaking separation where my ex just got up and left me)
3. She Kept commenting on my weight during my heartbreak. I couldn’t really eat or sleep without crying. At first it wasn’t too bad. But after a while it was constant. I snapped one day and said “just stop”
4. at any opportunity she has. She discusses money matters. I am an only child but I’ve been raised to remember money matters are private as we don’t know what others are experiencing.
5. I was telling her privately in the office that I was a bit drunk after our last work night out. She shouted it across the office to another colleague.
6. during my heartbreak, as aforementioned, I couldn’t eat. She kept shouting across the office how much ozempic she’s taking. It almost seemed like she was in a bid to compete

I don’t know whether she’s just bothered by me. I’ve taken my distance. But at work it’s very uncomfortable to handle someone who seems to always see things as a competition. I know she would berate me behind my back too.

what do I do?

It’s massively uncomfortable

I know what you mean op. I have known a few (really not many, 3 or 4) women like this. Always have to make passive aggressive comments, always giving backhanded “compliments”, bizarrely competitive. All off them have been deeply insecure and unhappy. I feel sorry for them but find they are best avoided.

She sounds hideously jealous. Some women can't handle their own insecurities and try to put others down in a bit to make themselves feel better.

Continue to keep your distance and when you are forced to listen to her criticism, either refocus on her and some positives, and if that fails to work,
you will be forced to grey rock her I suggest.

Dont give her headspace.

You come across as rather proper and reserved and she seems louder and more open. You are just different people, she doesn't sound nasty. The fucking bitch was very clearly her joking and paying you a compliment even if it's not the kind of thing you'd say so take it how she meant it even if you don't like the language.

Don't share information you don't want everyone to know with work colleagues and remain professional and polite. Otherwise you'll be the nasty one, not her.

Just rise above it, stop telling her personal things and get on with your work. She's just a colleague. She may be jealous of you, or it may just be a personality clash. You sound like you think it's the former with the mention of her taking the diet drug and you implying you're slim. Either of way, you can't do much about it.

A lot of the time I think it's insecurity. I also think its jealousy and seeing other women as competition, a threat. I have a friend who seemed genuinely upset if she perceived I was "beating her" in some way. I'm not fat but she always loved the fact she was thinner and more attractive than me.

I never really like to think of it that way but there can’t be any other feasible explanation. it’s just nasty

Yes, but that’s you. Lots of people feel differently. She doesn’t sound to me at all ‘nasty’. She sounds tactless and a bit overbearing, with an irritating sense of humour.

I mean, I assume she was trying in her clumsy way to make you feel better about your breakup by jokily drawing attention to your weight loss, ie she had to take Ozempic, but you were naturally getting thinner, just as the compliment on your appearance at the summer party was genuine, and she was making a joke at her own feeling of comparison. Maybe she thought your old car was fine, and discussing money is hardly ‘nasty’, even if you were brought up to think it ‘wasnt nice.’ If you were drunk at your last work night out, it will have been obvious to your colleagues, surely, so it’s not ‘private’ in the sense of ‘I’m getting divorced/have cancer/am pregnant — please don’t tell anyone’.

This is it really. I just don’t like to behave that way. Nothing needs to be a competition, I’ve had friends who are doing miles better than me. I just feel happy for them though. They’re more of an inspiration for me. I wouldn’t keep making comments about it. As I feel that would just highlight that I’m not ok with them being that way. If that makes sense.

It's probably really not that deep.

You sound like hard work.

I don’t think that she is being horrible to you or that she dislikes you.

You don’t like her personality or the way that she tries to interact with you, and that’s fine, we don’t all get on with each other. You just sound like very different people.

There is no malice in anything you have described from her though.

I have an old friend who could
easily make the “fucking bitch” comment to me if I showed up somewhere looking good and slim in a dress, and that is because she is very overweight and always has been, and I am not. It’s an attempt at a compliment and a “joke”, wrapped up in poor social skills.

I think you both sound as though you have a different sense of humour, and that’s fine, you don’t need to be friends, just civil.

You mention you wish you had more friends, is this why you keep telling her personal information? Can you look for more friends elsewhere?

I can understand why you feel the way you do, she sounds insecure. Not excusing her behaviour at all.

You can't control how others behave,but you can choose how you respond. I find the best way to deal with people like this is to not rise to the competition. If she calls you a "fucking bitch" or whatever, ask her simply "what did you just call
me?" (And look surprised as opposed to hurt!).

While she is focussing on petty stuff, be too busy living your life to care.

You can choose who you share things with. She is clearly not someone to be trusted so find other people to confide in.The more you give her, the more ammunition she will have.

Protect your own headspace by being careful about how much you give away. Choose carefully who you let in.

People like that are looking for validation, they want to appear better than others (either by bigging themselves up or making others look bad). Don't be afraid to call out their rudeness. It's not a good look for them.

Is she doing it in a 'well my handbag/holiday was sooooo much better than yours....'
Or in a general conversation?
Agree it sounds more of a personality clash. What is it about other women you find it 'hard to deal with'?

I’m not understanding why you told her all the details of your separation, when you clearly don’t like or trust her?

You’re different people, you’re not friends.

Strange.

OP, I'll give you an example.
A friend and her husband were having a miserable holiday in their small campervan in Ireland this year.
The weather was atrocious, it was cold and wet and a real schlep to get to the facilities...it was the one and only break they would get.
She messaged me, telling me about the misery and said all the Irish were out and about in T shirts, shorts and calling "Top of the morning!", and generally being joyful. She and her DH were feeling fed up and miserable.
She messaged me about the joyfulness, following on with "Bastards"...it was funny; she didn't really think they were bustards...

I wonder whether this person was following that similar type of "humour", but didn't get it right, a kind of clumsy attempt at humour.
It sounds misguided rather than outright nasty to me but I can absolutely understand that it cane across as a bit malicious.

So... it's not women...
It's this woman.

Why would you expect every women to get on with every other women?

Every women is an individual!

I know, that's really odd.

I'm struggling to see any nastiness in what you've described. Sounds more like a personality clash to me. Why give her so much headspace? People are different, not everyone has been brought up the same way.

I also don't like the way you've generalised in your title, and then dismissed the posters who've pointed this out to you, saying "let's not overcomplicate this". Quite ironic really.

To me it sounds as if you are reading into things that aren’t there. With all of the changes in your life could you be suffering from “the spotlight effect”?

Several of your examples seem like just a difference in humour/ personality.

Saying you look amazing… fucking bitch is a compliment to lots of people. It is saying that they are envious of you.

Talking about money is healthy, the whole idea that it should remain private just means that people suffer in silence and wait too long to ask for help.

asking about your new car is just making conversation.

take a step back, focus on yourself not someone else.

Yes your colleague sounds horrible. I have worked with a few women who were hard to deal with. In fact in every job where there was someone I particularly didn't get on with, it was a woman. No idea why as I have loads of women friends out of work. I just have far less drama from men in the workplace.

All you can do is avoid her. Just distance her and I'm sure she will eventually tire of giving you all that crap.

Does she have many friends?