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Original poster

Sons dad Demanding video calls‼️

73 replies

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 12:43

my Sons dad sees my son 4 times a year and he calls my phone via video call every other day random times and demands to talk with him
i feel sick during every call as he is 3 and doesn’t focus or communicate well meaning I have to talk majority of the time
I have a new partner I’m worried that my son will mention it on video call also.
this was a toxic relationship with his dad and I feel for as long as he calls etc I have a weight on my shoulders but I don’t know what can be done

if he finds out I have a partner and my sons met him he will threaten to take my son and likewise if I mention courts

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/10/2024 12:46

If he only sees him 4x a year, no court is going to give him full custody and take him away from you. Why do you answer the phone? I would reduce that considerably.

Singleandproud · 08/10/2024 12:46

You put boundaries in place, say he will be available between X and Y time on whichever days suit you, you block him on your phone until that time, unblock him for the call and then block him again. I would buy a cheap tablet and prop that up in whichever room DS is playing him and he can watch him play / read him stories etc.

BloodOfTheRaven · 08/10/2024 12:46

Tell him you will make Son available at 6pm on Monday, Thursday and Saturday for 30 mins

It is up to him if he wants to attend, but you will not be available at any other times.

You will be supervising all the calls, and there will be no discussions on your personal life.

Keep a record of all correspondance, and when he threatens court, you will have evidence of his actions

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Wishthiswasntmypost · 08/10/2024 12:46

The only way to manage this is to not take the call.

If he rings from an unidentified phone....don't take calls unless identified.

You're frightened of his next step...I get that but honestly the only way to control this is not to play his game.

Is he abroad?

Wishthiswasntmypost · 08/10/2024 12:49

Why don't you contact your local women's aid or https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ You can experience domestic abuse even whilst not living with someone. Get some help in managing your responses to him. You can't control him...you can control your reaction

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Are you experiencing domestic abuse? You are not alone. Find out how the National Domestic Abuse helpline can support you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 12:58

Wishthiswasntmypost · 08/10/2024 12:46

The only way to manage this is to not take the call.

If he rings from an unidentified phone....don't take calls unless identified.

You're frightened of his next step...I get that but honestly the only way to control this is not to play his game.

Is he abroad?

no he only lives two hours away, if I don’t take any calls then he will say I’m not allowing him to speak to his son

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 08/10/2024 12:58

Stop taking the calls. I'd block his number.

If he can only be arsed to see his son 4 times a year, thats on him. You're not obliged to take video calls from him.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:03

I think its good he wants to call regularly but they should be scheduled and agreed on, like twice a week or something. The time should be very specific, not a general 'I'll call this evening', thats not fair on you. If this schedule is agreed in writing no one can say you are withholding access. It also means you can manage the calls and don't have to be stressing. What's going on now sounds really stressful for you.

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:07

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:03

I think its good he wants to call regularly but they should be scheduled and agreed on, like twice a week or something. The time should be very specific, not a general 'I'll call this evening', thats not fair on you. If this schedule is agreed in writing no one can say you are withholding access. It also means you can manage the calls and don't have to be stressing. What's going on now sounds really stressful for you.

I would agree however he’s been abusive to me when I was with him and after, he makes no effort with my son apart from phone calls and I carry the whole call as he is a toddler who isn’t interested in being glued to the phone, it’s so stressful, I feel sick every time he calls

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:08

Do you think OP this is not really about your DC but a way of monitoring or intimidating you?

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 08/10/2024 13:10

if he finds out I have a partner and my sons met him he will threaten to take my son and likewise if I mention courts think about this logically OP, he sees his son four times a year. he has no intention of taking him away or even spending more time with him or he would have made the effort to do so.

I would send him an email (best to put it in writing) and say that you need to agree a schedule for phone calls so say 6 PM on Mondays and Thursdays, maybe even Saturdays to be generous, and block his number for the rest of the time.

If he threatens to take him away or go to court call his bluff. If you have a schedule when he can call then nobody will be able to argue that you’re withholding his child from him. And the courts will definitely question how he intends to look after a child he only sees four times a year.

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:14

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:08

Do you think OP this is not really about your DC but a way of monitoring or intimidating you?

Exactly this, he’s specifically told me I am not to introduce any man to my son ever, and he is the only man my son will have in his life. Which is saying I can’t move on, can’t get married / move in with partner etc. he is unaware I’m in a relationship as I’m scared to even bring it up and each phone call I’m scared my son will say his name

OP posts:
Beamur · 08/10/2024 13:16

Take a deep breath.
Your ex is bullying you via your child..
Tell him the random calls don't work for your son and it would be better scheduled. Offer specific times so you can control the environment better.
You don't have to perform as your child's interpreter. Facilitate and supervise the call but apart from hello and bringing it to a close do not join in.
He's not going to take the child away from you. You are entitled to a private life that he is not party to.

Coconutter24 · 08/10/2024 13:17

Why is it he only sees him 4 times a year? 2 hours isn’t very far, is it because of work or he just cba? I would just say to him what days calls can happen and between what time. Doesn’t have to be every other day. I think it’s good he wants to speak to him so much but if it’s you having to take the call then that’s not ideal so I’d suggest 2 calls a week until the child can keep the attention span for the conversation and can talk to him properly. Having a new boyfriend isn’t a good enough reason to limit calls but having to speak to him yourself so often is

OSF · 08/10/2024 13:18

He is using your son to control you. You have to nip it in the bud OP. Email to say you will make your son available at x time each week. Don't speak to him during these conversations, make DS available and when DS is done with the conversation end the call.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:18

Oh you poor thing, that's awful. I think @Wishthiswasntmypost is right, you need help from experts in managing this.

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:22

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/10/2024 12:46

If he only sees him 4x a year, no court is going to give him full custody and take him away from you. Why do you answer the phone? I would reduce that considerably.

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 08/10/2024 13:23

So you need to simply take the call if DS is around and not asleep or whatever and then put the iPad or phone on a stand and then leave DS to it.
Do not talk to him or try to encourage, that's not your job. Simply
"Here is daddy, you can have a chat with him whilst I tidy up"
Then get on and tidy or clean in the room whilst DS is engaging. If DS walks off or gets bored. Not your problem. Then you can say "sorry DS has gone off now, maybe next time. Bye"

I'd facilitate any reasonable number of calls to show willing but your facilitating means simply answering the call, setting it up and then leaving them to it. Your job is not to engage with him.
If he mentions new partner ... who cares. It's none if his business and he won't get anywhere near a court with that either. There's absolutely nothing he can do about it. If he asks for custody as a sort of revenge thing, honestly call his bluff. If he sees DS 4x year he won't get too far.

ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2024 13:23

Speak to women's aid and get help in how to set it up.

At the very most give him set times twice a week. Then set your DS up with the call and leave him to it.

I used to sit on the sofa when my ex demanded video calls with our girls. Most of the calls were him saying "x, look at the phone, y look at the phone" because the girls wandered off and played with their toys.

You don't have to carry it.

Whyherewego · 08/10/2024 13:24

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:22

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

Show quote history

If he tries that then call the police ! He does not hold all the cards that he thinks he does here. The interests of the child are paramount. Your DS is happy and stable and presumably due to start school next year.

ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2024 13:24

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

If that happens you call the police.

Is he on the birth certificate? Is there a court agreement for the 4 times a year?

How secure is your home? Ring doorbell, chain and bolt on the door etc?

Singleandproud · 08/10/2024 13:24

@Mamaof1x and if he does say his name what is the worst that will happen?

Lots of men go through this phase and it's a pain in the backside but you and DS shouldn't be walking on eggshells. If he threatens you you tell the police. If he threatens to take you to court, fine. It'll cost him loads and the judge won't entertain any sort of 50/50 with that distance or relationship. Most he'll likely get is EOW and have it written in that he does the travel he won't like that because it frees you up to go out and have a life and eats into his weekends to be hungover/play golf / have a gf.

If he isn't on the birth certificate I wouldn't have any contact with him. If he is then I'd be strict with my boundaries and little and often remote contact and make sure I've got e through CMS. Remote access on a tablet, set up on a low table where DS can play play DOH etc with you sat behind it out of shot and a neutral background.

MrSeptember · 08/10/2024 13:27

It's pretty clear that this was a very abusive relationship and he is still abusing you. But you haveto understand a basic fact about abusive men.... you cannot appease them. There is literally nothing you can do that will make him happy. So you have to stop trying.

Send him, via email or text (and save the messages) that you are happy to let him talk to your DS and suggest the following schedule - Tues/Thursday/Saturday evening between 6:00-630 (or whatever works for you). As DS is not very communicative, you'll place the phone/tablet near his bath/play area etc for your ex to chat to him, play with him etc.

Then do it. And if he kicks off, ignore him. Obviously, i fyou have real concerns about him coming to take your son, be careful. Do not let him in your house. Be prepared to call the police if you need to. is he on the birth certificate? If not, that helps. if he is, has he threatened you/your son before? Can you make a report to the police now?

Lemonadeand · 08/10/2024 13:28

Can you let your toddler wander off with your phone and film the ceiling while you just do something else?

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:30

ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2024 13:24

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

If that happens you call the police.

Is he on the birth certificate? Is there a court agreement for the 4 times a year?

How secure is your home? Ring doorbell, chain and bolt on the door etc?

He is, unfortunately my son has his surname also which I very much regret. However I didn’t know things would end up like this. We have been split for 2.5 years now

no court agreements for anything we just went separate ways and that’s just how often he chooses to see his son I never have not allowed him to

I need a ring doorbell or cctv but can’t justify it currently. I have a chain on the door but need a bolt too

OP posts: