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Original poster

Sons dad Demanding video calls‼️

73 replies

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 12:43

my Sons dad sees my son 4 times a year and he calls my phone via video call every other day random times and demands to talk with him
i feel sick during every call as he is 3 and doesn’t focus or communicate well meaning I have to talk majority of the time
I have a new partner I’m worried that my son will mention it on video call also.
this was a toxic relationship with his dad and I feel for as long as he calls etc I have a weight on my shoulders but I don’t know what can be done

if he finds out I have a partner and my sons met him he will threaten to take my son and likewise if I mention courts

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:35

MrSeptember · 08/10/2024 13:27

It's pretty clear that this was a very abusive relationship and he is still abusing you. But you haveto understand a basic fact about abusive men.... you cannot appease them. There is literally nothing you can do that will make him happy. So you have to stop trying.

Send him, via email or text (and save the messages) that you are happy to let him talk to your DS and suggest the following schedule - Tues/Thursday/Saturday evening between 6:00-630 (or whatever works for you). As DS is not very communicative, you'll place the phone/tablet near his bath/play area etc for your ex to chat to him, play with him etc.

Then do it. And if he kicks off, ignore him. Obviously, i fyou have real concerns about him coming to take your son, be careful. Do not let him in your house. Be prepared to call the police if you need to. is he on the birth certificate? If not, that helps. if he is, has he threatened you/your son before? Can you make a report to the police now?

It was/still is yes. Although I’ve moved on I feel a constant weight on my shoulders, feel on edge everyday and stressed and physically sick when I have to engage with him.
i think your suggestion is perfectly reasonable and would be to anyone else but unfortunately he isn’t reasonable never has a never will be so I think I just need to put my foot down and call the shots.
Unfortunately he’s on the birth certificate & mt son has his surname (big mistake) i previously made a report this time last year actually - it all kicked off but i halted it and cancelled the police intervention as i was scared. Abuse is a complicated situation and isn’t easy to deal with when you’re on the receiving end

thank you for your advice

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 08/10/2024 13:44

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:22

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

Show quote history

I understand your anxiety, but realistically this sounds very unlikely, as he only makes the effort to see his son a few times a year. He’s using empty threats to bully you and make you scared.

MrSeptember · 08/10/2024 13:47

i think your suggestion is perfectly reasonable and would be to anyone else but unfortunately he isn’t reasonable never has a never will be so I think I just need to put my foot down and call the shots.

You are 100% right that he will never be reasonable. So you are also 100% right that you have to call the shots and completely NOT let his (unreasonable) demands impact your decision making. Practice the grey rock technique - don't engage, don't respond etc. Just let his demands, rants etc roll past you as much as you can. "How dare you refuse to let me speak to my son whenever I like! You are a bitch, and a whore and I'm going to come and take my son because youre not a fit mother." To which you respond with "You can talk to him on the dates I've provided, let me know if any of them work for you". And ignore any further.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LondonFox · 08/10/2024 13:48

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 12:58

no he only lives two hours away, if I don’t take any calls then he will say I’m not allowing him to speak to his son

Show quote history

As many here told you: create shlchedule of 3 times a week for 30min and pick up only then.
Email him a schedule so you have a proof.

He is controling you by constant video calls.
Don't be naive

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2024 13:52

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:22

im worried he will come to my house and physically try and take my son from me and take him back to his house which is over two hours away

Show quote history

He can't do that, if he tried you would call The Police
I get that he scares you but honestly he has very little power here beyond what you give him.
Make a formal schedule and stick to it, document everything

MrSeptember · 08/10/2024 13:58

I bet he also doesn't pay much in maintenance?

OP you shoul dtry, if you can, to possibly access some therapy and supprot. At the very least, perhaps call women's aid for professional reassurance that his threats are baseless.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 08/10/2024 14:10

What 4 days a year does he see him?

I wouldn't have him calling my phone. Change your number, tell him you're getting rid of your phone as you cant afford it.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 08/10/2024 14:18

Tell him about your new partner, that will take away the anxiety of that. Right now you are seeing the world through his eyes because his threats have lasting effects on your mind. Providing your new partner partner is no safeguarding issues .. take his power away picture it this way...
Scenario 1.
Your child mentions it while you're not there the abusive ex can begin to plot and be sneaky.
Scenario 2.
You tell him via something written.. WhatsApp or a parenting app is ideal I am almost certain his threats are simply threats... however if you let him know in writing that is you covering your bum.. you can then say there was no problems for 2.5 years now he is creating problems due to malace.

Regarding the calls I would also put them on a schedule as it is very uncomfortable for you to try make conversation get into the habit of when you're child loses interest end the call, 3 year old don't wanna be sat on a video call for 30 minutes! Take your power back because I know it feels like he will have everyone fooled but he won't people see through it.

whatnowgromit · 08/10/2024 14:18

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:14

Exactly this, he’s specifically told me I am not to introduce any man to my son ever, and he is the only man my son will have in his life. Which is saying I can’t move on, can’t get married / move in with partner etc. he is unaware I’m in a relationship as I’m scared to even bring it up and each phone call I’m scared my son will say his name

Show quote history

He can't decide that OP.

femfemlicious · 08/10/2024 14:25

All these horrible bullying men !😞

cattywat · 08/10/2024 14:36

He isn't going to come and take your son op, he sees him 4 times a year, doesn't sound like a dad that wants full time kids ! Agree with others, set boundaries for the calls

Cloie · 08/10/2024 14:50

I would get cameras for around the house. Also did you know you can get kids watches that have gps, you can also get little bracelets that you stick an airtag into a dinosaur/unicorn face.

They do a similar thing that you can stick a cute character disk onto kids shoe laces that contains an airtag and insoles for shoes that have a hidden bit underneath for an airtag.

Maddy70 · 08/10/2024 15:05

It's reasonable that he wants to see him via video but you need to put boundaries in. Hes available between 2 and 4 on sunday and 4-5 on Thursday vor something like that

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2024 17:45

I agree, twice or less a week times that are convenient to you and let your ds engage, you don’t have to. Can you change his surname by deed poll? It would be much easier for travelling abroad purposes.

comedycentral · 08/10/2024 17:50

Could you agree to 1-2 15 minute call per week as son finds it hard to engage for longer.

Plus maybe send one short email/parenting app update a week with a summary of any key milestones from nursery or whatever, a couple of photographs or a short video?

Put in writing if possible.

Any backlash call the police.

MumChp · 08/10/2024 17:56

Seek legal advice.
Don't let a man control you like this!

ballybooboo · 08/10/2024 20:17

Whyherewego · 08/10/2024 13:23

So you need to simply take the call if DS is around and not asleep or whatever and then put the iPad or phone on a stand and then leave DS to it.
Do not talk to him or try to encourage, that's not your job. Simply
"Here is daddy, you can have a chat with him whilst I tidy up"
Then get on and tidy or clean in the room whilst DS is engaging. If DS walks off or gets bored. Not your problem. Then you can say "sorry DS has gone off now, maybe next time. Bye"

I'd facilitate any reasonable number of calls to show willing but your facilitating means simply answering the call, setting it up and then leaving them to it. Your job is not to engage with him.
If he mentions new partner ... who cares. It's none if his business and he won't get anywhere near a court with that either. There's absolutely nothing he can do about it. If he asks for custody as a sort of revenge thing, honestly call his bluff. If he sees DS 4x year he won't get too far.

Very sensible advice.

Don't dance to his tune, he's using your son to disrupt your life and to bully and control you.

Either put boundaries in place or don't answer his calls.

Wellingtonspie · 08/10/2024 20:29

Stop carrying the calls for a start. Answer say hello and just give the phone to ds if he stops talking puts the phone down and wonders off so be it. Just pick it up. Sorry ds isn’t really chatty right now maybe tomorrow.

He will soon get bored if his not getting your attention. If he tries to blame you just a. Clear text “ds is only 3 years old. He does not have the attention span for long regular calls still yet, you know I give him the phone, how long he stays is up to him”

MixieMatchie · 08/10/2024 20:36

Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 13:14

Exactly this, he’s specifically told me I am not to introduce any man to my son ever, and he is the only man my son will have in his life. Which is saying I can’t move on, can’t get married / move in with partner etc. he is unaware I’m in a relationship as I’m scared to even bring it up and each phone call I’m scared my son will say his name

Show quote history

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Just focusing on the aspect quoted above - you need a plan. It's inevitable that at some point your son is going to mention your new partner. Please talk to the women's services mentioned here about how to handle that. I don't have any advice myself, but it's obviously a big worry for you and it's not one you can put off forever.

Good luck and stay strong Flowers

Bananasplitz97 · 08/10/2024 20:47

i agree with pps on establishing and enforcing boundaries on when calls are etc

is go one further and keep him blocked. Calls can be done via Skype, parent to parent comms can be via email or a parenting app.

ColdinSeptember · 08/10/2024 20:47

i would also reduce calls to twice a week. Don’t put yourself on camera, don’t engage with him. The call is for him to engage with his son, the fact they have no relationship is not your problem , so son probably won’t engage.
only communicate by a parenting app with him so it’s all written down.

I don’t suppose there is any chance of you moving at any point?

remember when your son starts school do not put him down as a contact.

Attelina · 08/10/2024 20:51

'and he is the only man my son will have in his life.'

But only sees him four times a year?

He's only two hours away!

Why can't he visit every other weekend to pick up his son?

You must stop being in fear of him and say tough shit, you can call him two/ three times a week at x time, but you won't be facilitating it and it will be the child waving at Daddy and not you talking.

Any questions about the child's welfare must be addressed by email. You make a new email especially for this purpose and only reply with necessary updates about the child.

You call the shots.

Cantbesure · 08/10/2024 20:52

This is about controlling you. I've lived through this. Tell him in writing phone calls are at x time on x day and don't answer outside of these times. Change your number if you need to and only put the sim back for these calls or in a cheap payg.

He will lose interest once he can see he isn't controlling you anymore. It doesn't help your DC to never be sure if daddy is going to call. A regular schedule is in their best interest.

Does he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 22:49

Cantbesure · 08/10/2024 20:52

This is about controlling you. I've lived through this. Tell him in writing phone calls are at x time on x day and don't answer outside of these times. Change your number if you need to and only put the sim back for these calls or in a cheap payg.

He will lose interest once he can see he isn't controlling you anymore. It doesn't help your DC to never be sure if daddy is going to call. A regular schedule is in their best interest.

Does he pay maintenance?

I agree, he was controlling during the relationship and has been controlling since I left. 2.5 years since we split and it’s been non stop hell.

I agree and the sim idea is a good idea tbh. He always calls via WhatsApp usually and I don’t like it. I hope he does loose interest tbh!
I feel bad for my son and I’m worried the inconsistency of his father will affect him.

he does actually pay me monthly but not through child maintenance but I have proof on bank statements of the same amount from him each month. That’s one thing he does do is send money for him… but he holds it over me constantly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaof1x · 08/10/2024 22:51

Attelina · 08/10/2024 20:51

'and he is the only man my son will have in his life.'

But only sees him four times a year?

He's only two hours away!

Why can't he visit every other weekend to pick up his son?

You must stop being in fear of him and say tough shit, you can call him two/ three times a week at x time, but you won't be facilitating it and it will be the child waving at Daddy and not you talking.

Any questions about the child's welfare must be addressed by email. You make a new email especially for this purpose and only reply with necessary updates about the child.

You call the shots.

I know, the audacity honestly! He could see him whenever he would like (within reason) he gets two days off a week and has holiday but chooses to only see his son 4 times a year it’s so ridiculous when some people commute to work 2hrs a day!

and I agree I need to be firm and set some boundaries it’s taken up too much of my life now

OP posts: