Sons dad Demanding video calls‼️

[Mamaof1x]

my Sons dad sees my son 4 times a year and he calls my phone via video call every other day random times and demands to talk with him
i feel sick during every call as he is 3 and doesn’t focus or communicate well meaning I have to talk majority of the time
I have a new partner I’m worried that my son will mention it on video call also.
this was a toxic relationship with his dad and I feel for as long as he calls etc I have a weight on my shoulders but I don’t know what can be done

if he finds out I have a partner and my sons met him he will threaten to take my son and likewise if I mention courts

It sounds like he couldn't meet the practicalities of looking after your son full time.

I'd make sure and offer regular access / every second weekend, one evening a week and short calls on a schedule (that you do not need to participate in)

I think it's very unlikely any court will override that.

People have given good advice on the other issues, including the coercive control (because that's what his threats are), but on the subject of the video calls, I would make your son available for 2 half an hour calls a week and say that's it. And reject calls at any other time.

We did a lot of video calls with various grandparents/family members during Covid with a then 2/3yo and here's what worked best. Set up an activity on a tray or a table - something like play dog/kinetic sand/Duplo. Put the phone or preferably a tablet on the other side of the table so the activity is visible. Then the adult on the call can engage with the child while they do the activity. If the child goes out of view, the adult can sing a song or do something to make them come back over. My parents would also read books to my DC over the tablet - either we'd get two copies of the same book or they'd scan the pages. In other words, they'd put some effort in.

There should be no need for you to be on these calls at all, beyond setting them up.

I agree - currently he sees him four times a year (his own choice) and has him for over a week each time

As others have said though, set out clear expectations of when you will be available and stick by this and keep records of everything. He cannot argue you are not allowing him to speak with his son in that case, you have the evidence of this that you have made yourself available, just that you are setting clear boundaries and are not going to be dictated by him whenever he fancies calling. That's not unreasonable.

I would also be seeking legal advice if you can so you can be empowered to know what your rights are (and his) and if at any point you are concerned, you call the police.

Your son stays for a week with a man he barely knows? How does he cope with this?

I agree that it sounds unlikely he'll take your son, but please be aware that if he does, calling the police won't help as he has PR.

If you're seriously concerned about the likelihood of him going through with his threats, before you make any changes apply to court for a prohibited steps order. That is what the police will need in place to take action.

Then yes, set boundaries, and if he ignores them and keeps calling, consider a non molestation order.

(From an IDVA)

I think you should apply for a child arrangement order.

He takes him for a week? Isn’t that distressing for him, when they don’t have any other decent contact.

Pardon? I’ve never denied him access to see his child. He CHOOSES to see him four times a year. He chooses to not get him anything for Christmas. He chooses to not be involved. He has calls more than twice a week usually he calls me at random all the time. Clearly you haven’t read the thread so I suggest you go and read everything before passing judgement.

He doesn’t get a say in your life now. And whilst it’s not a great idea to introduce kids to a string of new men it’s completely unreasonable to never have a new partner in your son’s life.

He doesn’t have the right to ring whenever he wants and dictate what OP does with her life. It’s not alienation, he’s trying to bully and intimidate her through a child.

If he was bothered he would have a formal visitation schedule and drive 2 hours more than 4 times a year to see him.

That is not parental alienation. Courts are biased against men, yes. Courts grant access to awful abusive men but no court will tell OP she must grant her ex full, unrestricted access to her life. They may set a scheduled time for telephone contact. A person that sees their child 4 times a year out of choice is not a parent other than biologically.

And the OP would have no problem if she shows she agreed to regular phone calls at specific times rather than random calls.

She isn’t stopping the ‘father’ to contact his son. He is CHOOSING not to see his ds. And he is CHOOSING to ring at random times that might well not be suitable either for the OP or for her ds.

If I were you I would drop the phone calls altogether. I used to run a therapy practice and we never advocated calls / video calls as suitable means of communicating with children under 8–they don’t engage well or maintain attention (as you have discovered also) and it is unnecessary screen time.

Your ex partner has no leverage over you—he is not even doing EOW. No court will ever take his side. Call the police every time he tries to intimidate you so they have a record if his behavior escalates. You also need to be clear that you have another partner.

@Mamaof1x what would happen if you were to step back from those calls and let your ds and his dad ‘talk’ to each other?

I mean he is ringing your ds, not you. (And you could Hoover in the background in case there is a desperate need for you to step in rather than because your ds isn’t interested)

@Mamaof1x where does he see his child on the extremely rare visits?? it should never be at your home! can you move house and not let him know your new address. he can meet the child at a local park. it is not necessary to be in your house. safer anyway to hand over in public

He is still abusing you.

Speak to a DV charity for advice and support.I doubt he calls to speak to your son but rather to keep an eye on you.

I'd tell him he can have 15 minutes at bedtime in which he can read your DS a couple of bedtime stories;this should keep your DS engaged;answer the call in the bedroom;direct the phone straight at your son;don't engage until the end of the call where you said goodbye and hang up.

Set up an email address and tell him you'll send a summary once a week detailing what DS has been up to/what he needs to know.

If he really cared he'd make a regular effort to see him:my friends partner use to make the 6 hour round journey on a Sunday to have his kids for 4 hours whilst his ex went out.

He doesn't get unlimited access as and when he feels like it. @Mamaof1x shouldn't have to drop everything because her ex wants to chat on the phone to his child that he chooses to see quarterly. Consistency is in the best interests of the child. The child should have some sort of idea when he's going to chat to his dad.

@Mamaof1x I think you need to set a time and day that works for you and doesn't interrupt your life for these calls. Maybe 2or 3 times a week before bedtime. I'd call him at the allotted time and walk away. If you child engaged then great and if not then that's okay to. It's not your job to keep the conversation going. If also consider urging up a camera inside the house so you can monitor the interactions.

I think you need to sort out a court order so he can't threaten to take the child as he please. Then you remove his power. If he stops maintenance or threatens to stop it go through CM instead. You'd probably be better to go through them regardless and again remove his power over you.

This.

My ex demanded facetime with DS every two days during lockdown. They ran out of things to say within 20 seconds, neither of them were going anywhere, and DS went back to playing minecraft and ignoring his dad. I left them to it. 😂

The calls soon stopped.

He knows my address unfortunately but he never picks him up from my house I would never allow him to step foot in my house, I meet him at a local train station and he takes him on the train back to his. He doesn't drive. And then I go with my dad and pick him up (2hr drive) to make sure I have him back and have a witness with me incase any comments are made

If your kid is only three and he only sees him four times a year, he’s only met him, what, ten to 12 times in his whole life?!

Jist don’t answer the call. He simply won’t be able to take your child away. No court would allow that, and someone this apathetic is not going to bother taking you to court.

@Mamaof1x I'm really not sure your current arrangements are good for your son. You can't make someone have their child more than they want but your son is so tiny to go spend a week at a time with someone who is effectively a stranger - and an abusive one at that isn't great.

When I went to court the judge was quiet happy for contact to be a few hours, a couple of times a week and no overnights up until DD was 4, and then overnights were just once a fortnight with her dad she saw regularly.

You would do well to get some proper legal advice for more age appropriate contact schedule and to maintain boundaries re regular but scheduled remote contact.