I am trying to stay positive-but life just feels bleak. Anyone else?

[TheBunnyLover]

I live modestly, 2 bed house in the north-but my salary is gone by the first week with how much everything has increased in price lately.

I earn £32k P/A for four days. I am far over qualified for my role but I have been applying for jobs constantly and not got anything. Salaries also seem so low-one job I looked at would get me £2K more per annum but it involves a commute-I currently work from home, the travel costs plus having to hire someone to walk my dog means it just wouldn't be worth it.

I share 3 BTLs with a business partner but profits are minimal, we made a loss last year due to a tenant ruining a house and us having to repair it.

I have been out of my profession for a while (I retrained doing something else) so that's probably why nobody is interested-scholarship will have moved on now. Fingers crossed someone gives me a chance in a higher-paid role.

I split with a long distance partner some time ago-when I got this house I'd only just began seeing her and our plan was always for her to move in-but she'd just strang me along, had no intention of actually doing it. She also lost interest in me once she started doing a hobby two years ago, so didn't want sex with me any longer and didn't want to spend time with me as she was more interested in that (suspected ASD). I wrote a thread about our situation at the time.

I live alone, and everything is so expensive. I had a lodger for a while but she lost her job and stopped paying her lodgings so had to go. I didn't like living with someone else who wasn't a partner anyway, but it did help financially.

I try to keep going. I run, walk my dog, go to a gym that costs £20 per month.

I have an MA and a lot of experience and I have things going for me but things just seem so difficult and I don't see how I'll get out of this slump. A higher-paid, more interesting role would help so I guess I can't do anything other than keep trying. I am also doing a course to get another qualification which may help. I just feel that any more knock backs or if anything else goes wrong, and I'll struggle to keep smiling.

Op you sound so passive. Don't know what equity there is, refuse to sell BTL, have no clue where your money goes each month and are into overdraft.

The question re all of the above is why? Why is your head so firmly in the sand on this? Nobody is coming to rescue you. You earn more than many and housing cost is way less than most of us who manage on similar income. Sell BTL, cut expenses each month. If it is joint and you need to sell then find a way to sell. Write down mortgage, council tax, leccy, gas, insurances etc, food. Work out each month what you spend. Cancel the direct debits for stuff you don't need.

It is what we all do to cut the cloth to what we need, not what we want.

What exactly are your outgoings? I ask because I also live alone on approx £32k and my mortgage is about double yours but I am not strapped for cash.. I don’t save much and I won’t be going on flash holidays but I still go out for dinner etc.

It sounds like you’re in a bit of a funk which we all get sometimes! But if you don’t like your life then you have to change it, none of us on mumsnet can do that for you.

I'm getting a strong sense that you're unhappy and disappointed that you're not in a serious, long-term relationship at this stage of your life - the detail about not enjoying walks with your dog because there should be a partner with you really struck me. If you truly believe that your most recent ex intentionally deceived you and never meant for your relationship to be long-term, rather than that she simply cooled on the relationship or decided it wouldn't work for her logistically or wasn't a priority, there are likely (and understandably) serious trust issues which go beyond the "normal" bad but temporary pain of a breakup. Tif they're not decisively dealt with, these may prevent you from moving on and having a healthy relationship with someone else.

This isn't meant to sound harsh or to place blame but it seems like you saw red flags in your relationship years ago but kept on with it? The dynamics of an LDR can make everything move much more slowly because you're often seeing bits of each other's lives rather than the whole context and incompatibilities and flaws (as well as actual intentional deceit) can be easier to hide or miss. Do you think some outside help getting perspective on how to vet potential partners and proactively end unhealthy attachments could benefit you? (Also, if this is the same ex who's living in your residential property, can you make a clean break from her? You've got to find a way to move on and any reminders or entanglements aren't going to help.)

Yes OP, you do.

This is so weird!

You solely own the property you live in
you co-own 4 BTLs

Yes something is really out with your budgeting if you can't live as a single person on 32k.

To be fair, he has done something this before (ended up paying less tax than me for years).

He also likes me to inform him before I take any cash out of the business account (I refuse this, I say it is my money too and if I take anything from it I will pay him the same as I've taken). I don't trust him 100% now however I can't see a way he could be fiddling when we have a joint account. We did have a very troublesome tenant last year.

They're all houses, I've stayed away from flats.

The BTLs aren't of high value, the collective equity of them all (my share) including the residential where I rent a room to my ex, is £71K.

Sorry, I don't understand this one!

Thank you for this response.

That's a different ex.

The one who I refer to (more recent) lives with her parents.

Yes, she did string me along and was very clever about it. I did see some inconsistencies but she was very convincing. I spoke about it on here at the time-not about that per se, as I hadn't seen it for what it was but about the situation generally as we were considering me moving to her when she'd always said she'd move to me and I was genuinely wanting some impartial input.

Yes, I think I'd definitely struggle to trust and I am just less happy! When I met her I was a very positive person. Not fair to look to meet someone else.

She didn't end it per se-I ultimately said that she needed to decide what she wanted and she chose to stay where she is because she doesn't want to give up playing her sport.

I have checked the spreadsheet for equity now, I was just unable to do it in the middle of work.

I am currently going through my incomings/outgoings.
I can't sell anything unless he agrees and he wouldn't.

I can cancel amazon music. That's the only thing that seems viable so far but I shall keep looking.

Sorry you can’t plead poverty and own 4 properties. I don’t have any sympathy I’m afraid.

You keep saying you can’t do something because someone else ‘wouldn’t want to’. So what, though? You want to sell to free up some equity. Surely you have some form of agreement to cover this before you bought with this friend?

Gently, OP, I agree you seem very passive. Would you consider therapy? The life you describe shouldn’t be so difficult and joyless, even if your career and love life aren’t where you would them like to be.

I guess my income is slightly lower due to my four day week-but I do top that up with a bit of freelance work (about £25 a week).

I must ask how do you do it? I have gone through my bills and they're all pretty high, then buying food and dog food, car expenses add up but I do put the car expenses through the business account much to business partner's dismay/annoyance even though our accountant wants me to.

Do you save in any ways I may not have thought of?

I am not sure about therapy. Being a therapist myself, I don't do too well in it. I had a therapist last year (different issue) through the NHS and he was utterly useless. He seemed almost afraid of me! I think perhaps because I am a therapist who also (at the time anyway) teaches it, some of them don't feel like they can?

I had it before after my ex. I felt it was again a waste of money. It didn't do much for me at all.I appreciate this could be an issue of my own rather than the therapist himself, but I just don't know.

I do have good friends I can confide in.

I did manage to have business partner agree to do an equity release some years ago when I bought this house.

I also don't feel like selling one of the houses would solve the issue for me anyway-I'd like to be able to manage better on what I earn, as others feel I should be able to, and be happier overall. I don't think selling one of my assets would work for that-but I am thinking about it and I will discuss it with others too.

How much were you getting from a lodger last time? Sometimes it’s easier to make more money than it is to cut it.
I think the fact they lost their job is just bad luck and shouldn’t put you off.
It doesn’t have to be forever and could just be term time.

I think finding a job around an existing job is quite hard these days though, especially for one day, so lodging does seem the easiest way to make that one days income back.

I know a quite lot of extremely good therapists, and they all absolutely need to have therapists/ supervisors of their own in order to continue to practice — are you sure you’ve sought hard enough to find the right person for you? Anyone good should not be ‘afraid’ of working with a client who is herself a therapist. And gently, you’re coming across on this thread as depressed, anhedonic and with no sense of your own agency, rather than someone who doesn’t need therapy.

It is something I am looking at for definite.

That lodger had two jobs-one she was sacked for stealing and the other (a newer position) because she kept calling in sick within a few weeks of working there.

I will try to look into getting someone who would be a better fit.

And I was getting just under the amount my mortgage cost. It was helpful.

I will happily admit that the last few years have taken a toll on me-although I have been somewhat anhedonic since childhood.

I am not saying therapy couldn't help, just that my last few experiences of it have left me skeptical, despite being in the industry myself. I obviously also have a lot of friends who are therapists who I am sure are great at their jobs, perhaps I have just been unlucky.

I am supervised myself (obviously) but despite my own situation I feel I work to a higher standard than the one I had last time. I honestly felt like I'd have better spent my time talking to a friend. He asked me the same (irrelevant) question over and over, that's one thing that stands out but generally seemed very nervous.

I think you should advertise for a lodger The money would help with your mortgage and you may gain some companionship
Perhaps advertise where you were a lecturer.
On the face of it, with your 32k and a low mortgage, I can't immediately see where you are losing money, but something is amiss
Would it help to see a financial advisor?
I wouldn't discount someone pulling the wool over your eyes with the BTL's( apologies if I cause offence)

No offence taken at all. He's difficult to work with and has fiddled me for tax before (he denies all knowledge but I am not sure I believe him).

This sounds very passive. What about what you want? You say you are into your overdraft already, you have options to improve your financial situation and yet you are letting other people dictate your circumstances. In your shoes I would talk to a financial adviser and have a conversation with your business partner. You aren’t tied to them for life you know.

this is all very odd

You do all the admin and management you said?

and “fiddled” you for tax… how so 🫤

OP you sound very passive and really shouldn’t be involved in the BTL game, let alone being responsible for all admin for 4 properties.

I think you need to get out of this arrangement and fast (yes yes you’re business partners won’t sell, but you need to address this, which given you have all the docs and run the admin, shouldn’t be too hard. Although having no clue about your equity in any of these properties is concerning)

This.