My Boyfriend of 2 years won’t spend Christmas with me

[TealFinch8686]

My boyfriend of 2 years lives with me in a uni house and we haven’t spent Christmas together yet. His Christmas with his family is 20+ people but mine is just me and 4 others (due to recent family losses). My parents have invited him 3 times to come this year and he just won’t budge, not even to come on Boxing Day. Is it okay that I’m upset? He says I can’t get mad. I would love some advice thank you

I'm guessing as you're in uni you're early 20s? That's very young to be missing your own family Christmas in favour of spending it at your girlfriends. I didn't spend Christmas with DP until we had a kid. Either that or engagement would be the point for most people I'd think.

I always spent Christmas with my family and my boyfriend (now husband) spent it with his. We kept this up even when we were married and it's only changed since having children. This was after 11 years!

I wanted to spend my Christmas with my parents and he wanted to spend it with his - after about 6 years he used to come round and spend the rest of christmas evening with me and my family.

Seriously? Why on earth should he spend Christmas with you? This is a uni relationship and when you say you "live together" what you really mean is you are sharing a house with presumably several other uni students. Your parents need to back off too - why (on 1October) have they already invited him 3 times? You all sound way too intense.

Why do they keep inviting him? He wants to spend Christmas with his fami!y. DH and I didn't spend it together until we were married.

Normal to spend Christmas with your own family. I didn’t spend Christmas with DH until we had kids.

I was 33 before I spent Christmas away from my family. DH had come to mine twice before that because they are nicer than his but definitely nothing until we had a mortgage together and were obviously going to have children soon.

I thought this too. Even people I know who went on to get married to their university boyfriend would have gone to their own families for Christmas at that stage. Usually until they got engaged or married, or bought a property together.

I wouldn’t be upset that he wants to spend christmas with his family, that’s totally normal really, but you might want to explore why he doesn’t fancy coming to stay at your family’s home at another time of the year. If he doesn’t like your family etc and you’re hoping for a long term relationship it’s important to understand if this is an issue now.

Maybe. But that could be offer as min. option - I believe you look for compromises in relationship. So if it is important for my partner, maybe I can pop in for breakfast and then get back to my family with her/him? At least try to look for solution not just be like "you should accept it"

I think it's normal to go to your own family for Christmas if younger, not together long or at uni. For mine this changed when they were in serious long term relationships and even engaged.

Yes this.
OP you haven't said how far away from each other your families actually live?

And if they live 6 hour drive apart? Drop in for Christmas Day breakfast, then drive to his own family.

Or drop in for Boxing Day breakfast so set off at what time that morning?

Sometimes there isn’t a compromise. But also, is the Op expected to compromise as I can’t see where she is offering a compromise either.

It could be completely impossible, depending on where the parents live. Trains don't run, for a start.

My university boyfriend, now DP of nearly 20 years, lived in Edinburgh, we were in South Wales. As with many others in this thread, the first Christmas we spent together was after we had a child, so some 9 years of Christmases apart.

My bf and I are spending our second Christmas together for the second time in nine year (COVID gave us one together too) as we're having a kid in January! Tbh I really enjoyed getting to spend the time with my family as I knew it would change once I got pregnant.

Different people have different approaches to Christmas. Amongst our peers in our twenties, we went home separately until we were married (even if we were cohabiting), then took turns to visit each others family. Once we had our own children, we stayed at home. That was our normal. I think you have every right to be disappointed if you want him to come home with you for Christmas, but it is perfectly normal for him to want to go to his family. So you can be disappointed but I agree with him, you can't get mad. Your parents need to take the pressure off him as well.

My son is in uni and although he has a serious girlfriend I expect that they'll each be spending Christmas with their own families. I'm surprised your parents think your boyfriend should spend Christmas with them rather than his own parents. It's not like you're married or anything.

My partner and I got together in our early 20s and I don't think we spent Christmas together until we were pushing 30! I liked my family Christmases, I had no desire to go to his family. I think it's pretty normal to see your own families until you properly set up your own home together/have children.

Why are you parents repeatedly asking him to their house for Christmas? Strange, and just rude after the first 'no.'

People are free to feel whatever emotion they chose. It doesn't mean anyone else should be impacted by this, or should do anything.

Christmas is a time to spend with family at your age. When my DD goes to uni I wouldn't be very happy if she wanted to go to spend Christmas with her boyfriend instead of spending it with family.

Are your families close location wise? Does your BF have his own transport?
Popping in for a while in the afternoon or on Boxing Day seems like a good compromise, but obviously if you live too far away and he would have to rely on public transport that's not going to work.

Also I'm sorry but living together in uni accommodation is not the same as "living together" properly as a couple

Uni students usually go to their parental home for Christmas. I did. My husband did. My son (currently at uni) now does.

Even after uni I still went home until we were engaged, then we started taking turns.

I do remember the boyfriend I had at uni telling me would "never" spend Christmas with anyone except his mum dad and brother. Not just not go anywhere else but would not allow anyone to come round. I wasn't bothered (he was a bit of a knob and it didn't last much longer for various reasons). He's now married with a child (as is his brother) and I do wonder when it dawned on him that he'd need to relax his rather stringent principles!

My concern would be that you and your family are the type to expect him to spend every Xmas with you, especially if you ever have kids!

Next year don't be surprised if you're not living in the same uni house. He's putting his family before a girlfriend of a couple of years and he should be, so should you. You don't get to dictate where he spends Christmas and your parents asking him 3 times when he has already said no, is a huge red flag. I'd be breaking up with someone who thought that was OK. No means no.

Policy in my extended family is usually Christmas with original family until there is a ring on the finger or a baby. That's been the case for all my cousins too and my Dhs family. If I had suggested I spend Christmas with him 2 years in, my mother sisters granny and uncles would have been going on about it all year and that's the truth.

My bf and I are late 20s and spend Christmas with our own families, because it’s nice to be alone with them and it won’t last forever.

We do a separate ‘Xmas day’ between the two of us - we exchange presents and get dressed up for a meal out. Can you do that as a compromise?

My husband and I didn't spend Xmas together until we had been married about 3 years so about 10 years together, we hardly got to see our family so we prioritised that. Now we alternate