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Original poster

My Boyfriend of 2 years won’t spend Christmas with me

67 replies

TealFinch8686 · 02/10/2024 12:11

My boyfriend of 2 years lives with me in a uni house and we haven’t spent Christmas together yet. His Christmas with his family is 20+ people but mine is just me and 4 others (due to recent family losses). My parents have invited him 3 times to come this year and he just won’t budge, not even to come on Boxing Day. Is it okay that I’m upset? He says I can’t get mad. I would love some advice thank you

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 02/10/2024 12:14

Why should he?
Tbh, Xmas with 20+ people sounds far more fun than Xmas with your pushy parents, inviting him x3 times already seems interfering and extreme!

However, has he invited you to join him? I’d be more concerned about that.

candlewhickgreen · 02/10/2024 12:14

He wants to spend Christmas with his friends and family and that's his choice. I'm not sure what you're suggesting; that you drag him away from his family at Christmas to spend time with your family, who I doubt he knows particularly well.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2024 12:14

Has he said why?
Have you gone to his for Christmas?
Is it one of the few times he gets to see family ( assuming you're both at uni or away from his home ? )
Why has your family invited him 3 times... that's a bit much don't you think?

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Events & celebrations
wednesday32 · 02/10/2024 12:15

As he lives with you, it sounds like Xmas is a chance for him to see his family and all be together. Enjoy your xmas with your families and have a post xmas day in the new year.

EngineEngineNumber9 · 02/10/2024 12:15

How old are you both? If you’re university age it’s pretty normal to spend Christmas with your own family tbh.

Portalsalways · 02/10/2024 12:16

So you went to his last year?

Are you trying to set it up where it’s one year at yours and one year at his families?

What ages are you?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/10/2024 12:17

Well for a start he can't tell you what you are allowed to feel. If you're cross you're cross so you need to tell him he doesn't get to dictate your emotions.

That said, you don't get to decide where he spends Christmas.

What you can do is tell him this is really not a relationship you want to be in.

And not as a manipulation!!! As a genuine incompatibility issue.

DarkandStormyNightie · 02/10/2024 12:18

I think the numbers on either side are irrelevant. He wants to spend Christmas with his family, that's his choice.

I'm guessing you are early 20s if you're in uni accommodation? if so, there should be no pressure for him to go to your family for Christmas or vice versa.

You sound a little intense. Without sounding patronising , is this your first serious relationship? if so, I'd take a big deep breath and relax. Enjoy Christmas and spending time with your family.

VanCleefArpels · 02/10/2024 12:18

I think a general rule is that students spend Xmas with their own families even if an established relationship but then do their own thing for New Year. Why is this so important to you?

TammyJones · 02/10/2024 12:18

EngineEngineNumber9 · 02/10/2024 12:15

How old are you both? If you’re university age it’s pretty normal to spend Christmas with your own family tbh.

My Dd was like this.
Christmas with family all the years str was a uni - ds the same.
It won't be forever.
He'll miss you and you can have a great new year / reunion.

scrimblescramble · 02/10/2024 12:19

Maybe he wants to celebrate and spend time with his own family? Not sure why you'd get upset over that. As PP said, Christmas sounds way more fun with 20+ people. I would also object to spending Christmas with my partners family.

Whyherewego · 02/10/2024 12:19

2 years is not that long in the grand scheme of things. Also it really depends on norms around Xmas, it sounds like a big deal for his family so missing it would be a big deal for him?
He's allowed not spend Xmas with you. It's just a day. Is he not prepared to come at all over the festive period?

Mrsttcno1 · 02/10/2024 12:19

He wants to spend Christmas with his friends & family, the numbers are irrelevant, nothing wrong with him doing that

Alicana · 02/10/2024 12:20

The family numbers are irrelevant, he wants to spend Christmas with his family. Do you want to go to his family? You could ask if he thinks that could be an option.

You need to stop your parents from pestering him! I can’t believe they have called him three times already asking about Christmas! It’s very early for one, and after the first time he said no, why did they persist? I can see why he may not want to come!

MissMaryBennet · 02/10/2024 12:21

I didn't spend Christmas Day with my husband until we had kids I don't think! At which point we had been together for 10 years and married for 4. We spent time around the Christmas season with each other and each other's family, but we both chose what we wanted to do for Christmas Day and that meant spending it with our extended families.

It is tough working out what you want and trying to keep people happy, but I don't think you should read too much into him wanting to spend time with his family on Christmas Day.

Arlanymor · 02/10/2024 12:22

Why was he asked three times? Presumably he said 'No thank you' the first time and that should have been the end of it. Why are you upset? You haven't explained that part. You must see him everyday if you live together, so is being apart for Christmas really such a big thing? There are plenty of ways to stay in touch. If he was only 20 minutes down the road, then it might have been nice to meet up for a drink or something during the festive period, but presumably he lives something of a distance away? I think you need to accept that he wants to spend time with his family and probably wider family (who he might not see very often given that he is away at university) and just make plans for when you are going to meet up after Christmas. He can't tell you not to feel upset - it's up to you to regulate your emotions, but he can ask that you don't be cross about it, as he has a right to decide where and how he spends his time after all.

Dragonsandcats · 02/10/2024 12:22

I think this is quite normal- why do your parents keep asking him when he’s already explained his plans.

OldWiseDuck · 02/10/2024 12:23

I don't get why people are so harsh.

If it is important to you and you are asking just for couple hours at least on Boxing day it is not that much to ask. If you are building relationship your partners wishes and how they feel, what's important for them - should matter.

Did he invite you to come with him? if not it doesn't really look like it is serious relationship for him.

Portalsalways · 02/10/2024 12:28

OldWiseDuck · 02/10/2024 12:23

I don't get why people are so harsh.

If it is important to you and you are asking just for couple hours at least on Boxing day it is not that much to ask. If you are building relationship your partners wishes and how they feel, what's important for them - should matter.

Did he invite you to come with him? if not it doesn't really look like it is serious relationship for him.

It might not be a couple of hours on Boxing Day.

If they are both at uni it might mean their families houses are very far away from each other.

As op also isn’t going to travel to him on Boxing Day, do you think that means she isn’t that interested?

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2024 12:28

Do you also have parents nowhere near his parents?

Bit different if it's in the same town

CuriousMoe · 02/10/2024 12:30

I think maybe you just have to leave it for this year and spend Christmas with your respective families. My husband and I have been together for 8 years (married three) and we only spent our first Christmas together last year because we had a baby and Christmases are now more for him. I have never spent Christmas with any other previous boyfriend and as much as I loved them I wouldn't have invited them unless they were on their own, it would have changed the dynamic.
If it helps you get perspective, it wasn't that my husband and I didn't want to spend Christmas together, it was that we knew it was important for both of our families and neither of us wanted to spend Christmas without our own families. We live together and see each other every day anyway.

We used to do 'our Christmas' the weekend before. Maybe try that? Do something special together and open presents, perhaps even go away if you can afford it. It also extends the Christmassy feeling which is lovely :).

NettleTea · 02/10/2024 12:36

If he is only in his second year at Uni he might miss his family. Id really hope my DS will come home at Christmas, to see his old school friends that he can catch up with. Especially if he sees his girlfriend all the time anyway.

2 years is no time at all

Figsonit · 02/10/2024 12:37

So you're in a uni flat share together? Usually couples who are very young go to their own families at Christmas.

AllAboutNiamh · 02/10/2024 12:40

Our kids come home for Christmas and their girlfriends go the their families. I think that’s normal around uni age.

frozendaisy · 02/10/2024 12:48

Would you go to his family if you were invited?