What a miserable life.

[LotteryLoserAgain]

No-one really cares about me. I try and give my DS advice and I'm told I'm being miserable (his girlfriend is too controlling and he spends a lot of money on her). All the OH is interested in me for is the obvious. My sister has been pretty unpleasant to me following our mum's death (problems with selling her home). I just feel totally unwanted for who I really am. I'm just here to pay the bills, do the housework and arrange everything. I want to run away and yet I love DS and OH dearly.

The world news just fills me with terror. It's all shit.

Ah. Come to think of it, I wasn't paying too much attention to my surroundings. I was strolling and going through things in my head that I need to do. Mums house is up for sale and we have had a few viewings but no sale yet. The thought of my mums house sitting there empty and unloved is on my mind the whole time, especially as we head into the winter. I'm worried about that.
DS is away for a few days on holiday with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about him and whether he's safe (he is!).
Not aware of my breathing, probably quick and shallow🙄

If you enjoy walking, there are loads of walking groups - maybe one of those would help to get you out and active and meeting people.

OP I think loads and loads of women feel as you do at this point in their lives. After so many years of marriage, you do feel like a piece of furniture.DC are old enough to live their own lives but not to make their own decisions in a way that we think will benefit them best. I have had to bite my tongue about awful romances, bad work choices etc etc so many times. But it's their lives, not ours. We need to back off and let them make mistakes. That's how they learn.

But (and I find it WAY easier to understand this advice from my self to myself than to act on it) I have realised that one thing I am guilty of is fretting and fussing about others so that i don't have to spend time sorting myself out. I look after others when they want me to back off. I want others to look after me but they are busy with their own lives. But why don't we want to look after ourselves? Why don't we give ourselves as much support and attention as we give our DC? I keep trying to do this - through journalling, through going off on my own or with friends soemtimes, to try and build more of a sense of myself and my life.

I really think it is a natural stage of our lives - menopause, adult children, old, slightly tired marriage. We need to give ourselves some time and attention - and let ourselves make some trial and error mistakes just like our young adult DC are doing.

So true.

Ouch. Is this how you usually speak to people?

I was actually trying to be helpful. Why be unnecessarily rude to someone who is trying to help you?

Forcing a depressed person into their religion is not helpful. It's predatory.

Morning Lottery

first of all, how did you sleep?

second - congratulations again on achieving your goal of going for a walk - how do you feel in achieving it?

third - you articulately listed out the thoughts/worries that were top of your mind during your walk - I want to ask you, if I advised you to write them up somewhere and then add a way of mitigating them - how would you feel about that? I’m reflecting back to you your own advice of “I'd say worrying is a pointless thing to do. It changes nothing and creates a vicious circle of thoughts. Most things we worry about don't actually happen. Or if they do, we get through it.”

fourth - what progress do you think you’ve made?

fifth and final - do let me know if this approach isn’t helping you and you’d like it to pause

The Ramblers have always sounded like a nice hiking group to join, to me, but I've not had time. Am think of doing it when my DS reaches 19, as I worry about feeling similarly to you when we get to that stage — it must be so hard.

At the moment the only way I can sleep is to have a YouTube video playing in my ear. An audiobook or just anything really. It helps with the intrusive thoughts to some extent.

It's nice to get out for a walk but it's going to take a lot more than that to sort me out. I slip back into my old way of thinking so easily. So any progress made feels temporary.

I could write things down but again I lack motivation. I've had anxiety since primary school. It's like it's a part of me now. The thing is, I know worrying about stuff is pointless but I still do it.

So reflecting on all you’ve said, I’d like to ask what do you think you need to do next?

Persevere. Daily walk. I used to keep a nature journal of my walks years ago. I think that would be good to start again. I need to detach from other people's problems (sounds uncaring 😕) and my own. I'm going to email my local animal sanctuary to ask about volunteering.

You could have a mental illness like Major Depressive Disorder, or anxiety. That would be something you can talk about with your doctor, if you can afford it.

Do you talk about your relationships with those you share them with? That might also be a starting point.

I agree with that others have said, that having some time away each week might be a great thing.

Do a hobby, or take a class. You might find friends there, or you might not. At least it will give you something to look forward to each week.

That’s great Lottery.

how committed are you to daily walks and keeping the nature journal - on a scale of 1-10?

regarding detaching from other people’s problems, tell me more about how you’re going to do that.

let me end by telling you again how well you’re doing engaging in this approach by the written medium only. I know it must be hard only seeing my questions without being able to have an in-person rapport with being able to see and hear me.

Very committed to daily walks (9) and maybe 7 for journalling.
Detaching is more difficult. I'm not sure. I feel physical pain when, for example, my son is sad over, say, a poor exam result. I feel powerless. I suppose I just need to say I'm here if you need me.
I'm really grateful for your help. It's made me think more about tackling my problems rather than sticking my head in the sand.

No need for thanks - women should be supporting women. I’m sure you will pay it forward

ehst would you need to do to get to a 10 for daily walks and journaling? What is getting in your way?

it sounds like you’ve already started to think of things you could say to your family when you think they are suffering emotional pain. What do you need to build on that to create more things you could say?

People don’t appreciate others who assume that everyone either is a Christian, or should use Christian teachings to sort out issues.

I found this website lovely for nature therapy ideas, including walks, sit spots, journalling and forest bathing you can do on your walks. If you search the website, there are various nature wellbeing plans and guides. I signed up for their emails and they're really perfect for solitary nature therapy.

silvotherapy.co.uk/

Many thanks. I will take a look🤗

I need motivation. Not sure what is stopping me. Sometimes is just easier to sit and scroll rather than do something.
In need more confidence to actually say what I'm really thinking. A lot of my anxiety just causes me to come across as moody.

morning Lottery

Why is it easier to sit and scroll? Is it because it’s safe? No need to think? Or something else?

regarding confidence in speaking - what would help you most? For example - do you need to say those things out loud and record them? Do you need to say them to someone who won’t judge you and will listen? or do you need to write them?

finally, for today - what can you do that will bring you a little spark of joy?

Morning Eat (I won't say Morning Bastard!)

I think scrolling dulls the racing thoughts. And yes it's easier to stay in my house and scroll.
I've never been a confident speaker. Crippling shyness has plagued my life. I stayed at home and did a degree at my local uni. People think I'm odd because I'm quiet. I'm not good at articulating my thoughts and it either just comes out as grumpy nagging or scrambled bollocks.

Today, the estate agent selling my mum's home has told me a potential buyer has pulled out. So now, my head is racing with thoughts of the house not selling all winter. I'm paying the bills to keep it going. I'm not good at coping with stuff like this. I catastrophize all the time, about everything. Thing is I know it's pointless to do so but how to stop? I thought I could be autistic as I get obsessed about things but I'm good at reading other people's emotions so I'm not sure.

I have just planted a row of garlic in my veg patch which was nice. I've also just done a 15 min kettle bell exercise {YouTube}. I got the weights months ago but didn't do anything with them. Some progress I guess.

Congratulations and well done on planting a row of garlic and completing a 15 min kettlebell exercise! How do you feel when you think of what you achieved?

About your shyness - you say that people find you odd - how do you know that? I want to establish if that is a reality or if it’s your perception.

about your thoughts turning to catastrophe about the news from estate agents - tell me, what do you think I would do if I was in the same position as you and heard the same news?

@EatTheBastard I feel momentarily good.

I was bullied at school for being quiet. I found speaking in class almost impossible sometimes. I only made one friend at uni. If find socialising difficult. I got a job with a company in my 30s and I overheard one of my colleagues saying I should speak more. Luckily my boss was kind and didn't see it as a problem.

Wrt the estate agent, I'd say hang on in there. It will sell eventually.

I’m happy for you that you feel good, even briefly, when you look back at what you’ve achieved.

I’m sorry for the hurtful things you heard about your shyness - when you think about what they said now - what is your intuition telling you? Do you think they were right or was your kind boss right?

re the estate agent - what’s stopping you taking your own advice? I’ll add that I think that most people experiencing your situation and hearing that news would start to ‘doom spin’! Thanks to our ancient ancestors, our brains are designed to expect the worst. So how does that feel? To know that it’s not only you that does this? That, in fact, it’s a normal and common response?

Also, I’ve noticed that you haven’t answered my question on what would bring you joy before your day ends?