Christmas when all the children are grown up.

[PuppiesLove]

The usual Christmas was waking up to lots of presents under the tree. I don't think this is appropriate any longer, now they are all adults. It's just not necessary to be buying that many gifts anymore. So - what does Christmas look like when all the children are adults? How do you change things? Ideas for new traditions?

For the first time this Christmas it’s just going to be the three of us (me and two young adult kids). We normally have extended family with lots of chatting and games (quizzes etc). It looks like this year Christmas will start in the evening as both said they’ll likely spend most of the day asleep! So it’ll be dinner around 5-6pm then open presents then I’m not sure how the rest of the evening will pan out. Neither seem very bothered so it’ll be pretty stress free I guess. Nothing to get terribly excited about. 😕

I must admit I find it absolutely bizarre but that probably says more about my relationship with my mother to be honest. I get one present, well I don’t get one present I get cash as she can’t be arsed. The thought of me as an adult telling her a list of stuff (how do you know what price range you can ask for) and her going to a shop and getting it I cannot comprehend!

Mine are young adults now. Last year I did "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read" for them, which worked well.

Also had to do stockings as there was nearly a mutiny when I mentioned maybe not doing them anymore. They only get socks, chocolates, a chocolate orange and a satsuma in them anyway, so not hugely expensive, but they obviously can't live without them!

As the ‘kids’ in our mid and late 30s we still get stockings and presents under the tree and my mum always wants a list of what we want (including my husband). There will be a baby for the first time this year so I’m intrigued to see how that changes things!

Last year I did "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read" for them, which worked well.

I like that!
And I need to remind myself of it when I’ll start Christmas shopping.
Im always saying that this is what I will do and forget 😳😳

In some ways that’s quite sad your mum doesn’t seem bothered about making any effort at all 😢

I find thinking of ideas for my mum difficult.
But it’s more because I have few ideas anyway. They live abroad so transport is an issue (whether we go to see them or they come over) too.

My mum still does our stockings, but its little toiletries that we'd use like hand cream, cotton pads, also, an orange, chocolate coins, a book, hair scrunchie, a nice soap, that sort of thing.
We also do new board games/puzzles as gifts and then play them together. We don't have many presents but make them last all day by doing stockings in the morning, 1 at a time over a leisurely breakfast after a nice lie in!
We take the dogs for a walk, then come back and all chip in getting started on prepping the roast, then we all get dressed up nicely, finish off the roast, have christmas lunch and open the presents from under the tree, play a game, have dessert, maybe another game, watch our favourite christmas movie with some nice drinks and go to bed!
Boxing day is for puzzles and more games.
We just take our time, enjoy it, make sure to thank each other for presents and pay attention to what everyone's giving/receiving.
But we've also done this since we were kids, since we also had many years with not many presents because of financial issues so its not different for us to not make christmas specifically about the presents.

Bless you thank you. I’ll not tell you about the year she promised my daughter a fancy egg from marks, didn’t get that egg and in fact didn’t get her any egg at all, despite going to Tesco weekly where you are confronted with a wall of them!!

It does feel like the dynamic should change a bit. Like the relationships should shift a bit to more of an adult footing. I'll ask them what they want for Christmas and for ideas, but think it's time to shift to a more mature celebration. It is a bit like we haven't shifted out of the parent-child dynamic, and that doesn't really seem quite how it should be at this stage.

I have heard that saying and did think it might be a good place to start.

My parents always bought me a pile of gifts until they died. Even little things like my favourite shower gel. I loved it. I’m still their child, they’re still my parent. Why does it have to become adult-adult gift giving?

I’m assuming they all buy presents for you too? The pile under the tree should include stuff to & from everyone.

Mine are all adults now.

Well before Christmas I issue the usual invitation that consists of 'I absolutely understand if you are at home/visiting inlaws/doing other things this Christmas, so I'd just like a head count for who might be around?' (It's normally all of them, there are no gc yet, so OHs go to their own families except for one DIL whose parents celebrate on Christmas Eve, so I get three of my own children and one DIL. One runs a pub and is unavailable and one is in Australia and calls in to swank about sitting round the pool!)

I know that this won't go on forever, that when children arrive or if they just want a quiet Christmas alone, I won't see them on the day. But generally everyone piles over here or to a brother or sister (whoever is hosting), we have a tree, presents (where I try to give luxury versions of things they like, posh soaps and suchlike) and eat a huge dinner which everyone cooks together.

I love it. Much better than woken at 2am and then continual tired tantrums all day when they were small.

Yes, they do, and my DH will take care of me. The organising Christmas like they're little kids is just feeling a bit off at this point. I don't think much will change, it's just that I feel like the dynamic should change a bit.

I wouldn't do Christmas at all if it wasn't for them. A few years ago one of the middle ones was in hospital having surgery over Christmas. The next they weren't there at all and never will be again. But I don't think it's about that. Or maybe that should be a reason to go all overboard with it all.

I agree, if they’re in their 20’s and earning it’s time to all be equal adults.

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. Of course it'll be at least partly about that.

@PuppiesLove I'm sorry for your loss. I have a somewhat similar story and it's why I tend to go overboard at Christmas.
My mum died on Christmas Day when I was 14 and after that I hated it for a long time. When I had my first DC I started to think of him and making it nice for him and giving him happy memories and over time something shifted and then I started down the "time is precious" path and so probably go a bit OTT. The DCs are 24,21 and 15 now but I still do a stocking for them, we play board games and just generally have fun.

@PuppiesLove you are their mum, you do what makes your heart happy. Especially after what you have told us - much love ❤️

FWIW I am 45, my brother is 43 and my mum still goes all out at Christmas of us, our partners and my kids. We used to protest but now we embrace it as she wants to spoil us all, it makes her happy and one day she won't be here to do it.

we are all adults in our family now, three siblings 27,30,34 and this is how our parents keep it special

Chinese or special dinner Christmas Eve. We go there for a few drinks and dinner. We sometimes play a pub quiz on YouTube after with a tipple.

Family outing of an activity usually a Christmas by candlelight song thing at the local cathedral or see a film at the cinema with a pub meal after

My mum even though we are adult guys us Christmas pyjamas to give us on the 1st December! Or Christmas jumpers for my brother.

It seems silly to get Christmas lists and large numbers of gifts for adults still. They all have income, unlike kids who need to wait for special occasions to get things they want.

We currently trying to negotiate this - late teen one at Uni. Uni child didn't come last Christmas - did weekend before - but might this - which wasn't immediately clear so she got stuff to take back and then additional food.

Last year I did "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read" for them, which worked well

I think that helped us cut back for eldest birthday.

It is tricky because my parents went to money - always welcome but more than I can give - and IL were all over the place till GC came along to buy for.

So get what you mean about needing to evolve it.

Many other family traditions we won't do when youngest leaves home - Halloween, bonfire night won't mark at all and what we do has changed with time their ages and our locations- though when at uni will still send gifts along those lines and easter will pro just be an egg each - not sure will want to do Christmas decorations either - though if our parents start to come over might though they say they haven't bothered in their homes for years with decorations.

My IL did holidays with DH abroad with DH late teens early 20s till got too expensive - my parents had us back till we married or settled down not sure my parents really enjoyed that though - liked seeing us but not wild about Christmas any more but made no changes.

I wouldn't do Christmas at all if it wasn't for them. A few years ago one of the middle ones was in hospital having surgery over Christmas. The next they weren't there at all and never will be again. But I don't think it's about that.

I'm really sorry. I do suspect this might be playing into it all as well though even if it's just subconsciously.

Maybe theater/church/cinema trips or meal out- something you weren't doing before but can do together.

I agree OP, I think a big pile of presents from a list is a bit ott when they are earning. I would probably say 1 proper present and still do the stockiing just to make it like xmas. Or you could do like secret santa and you fill a stocking each so everyone gets a stocking.
Not regarding actual presents, things i'm looking forward to when the kids are older, going out for food or a few drinks on christmas eve. Carols by candlelight service at church. Going to the panto. Walking around the christmas markets. Board games

Nope, I have to disagree. They will always be my children and I will always love spoiling them.

What do YOU want to do op, not what you should or ought or think you should do, what is it that you want to change?

Mine are 26,25,22 and 20 and I still do stockings! I thought I would stop when they have children 😂
Christmas IS different as adults but we still have new pjs and chocolate coins in Xmas Eve from the elves 😂
There is more alcohol than when they were young in busily, we tend to have pastries and Buck’s Fizz at breakfast for example. We generally all pitch in to cook although some years one of the “kids” has done it all, last year for example DS2 decided he would do it all. Think it’s my turn probably this year!
Mine are often at work Xmas Eve and Boxing Day so Xmas day is really special. We’ve been together every year but this Xmas my eldest is going to her partner’s family so that will be slightly different. I love Xmas!

Ours are 27,25 &19 this year
I do stockings for everyone here on Christmas morning- so dd 2 girlfriend too this year.
On Christmas Eve we do a long walk then stop at a local pub for drinks before he's home to play games in the evening.
Christmas morning is a lie in and then stockings
Buck's Fizz and pastries
Then open our presents to each other ( £50 limit for each person)

Long leisurely lunch with table games and chatting

Visit local family in the afternoon and then cheese board and port in the evening.

We host a bit family gathering on 27 th for 20 plus

I absolutely love it now they are all adults and everyone helps each other to prepare food etc
Such a lovely chilled few days .