Help me endure…

[Endurance12]

PIL, with middle aged SIL sitting in the back of the car on a rare outing from home, are on the way for a visit.

No interest in GC. An awful lot of opinions though, including from SIL (despite no time around kids).

We can’t visit them as SIL doesn’t like any disturbance (e.g. normal visit, tea and we would bring some food to cut the hassle for them) at PIL‘s house.

Please share your strategies to stay sane tonight as the criticism and ‚helpful comments‘ flow. Husband will pretend this is all normal and fine. I think he is embarrassed, but don’t need him on the defensive to add to the sh*t show.

Setting some boundaries would be good, but I don’t want to upset the situation which is currently minimal physical visits.

Feign illness and stay in bed? Go out and ‘forget’ they are coming?

probably you’ll just need to grin and bear it

Thanks @Falseshamrok have done that before. ‚Car trouble‘ could buy me an hour of peace/sanity.

Have a few slightly barbed but inoffensive comments ready:

Thank you for sharing.
I'm afraid that won't be possible.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
This must be so exhausting for you.
Have another biscuit/hors d'oevre/glass of wine...

Thanks @PaminaMozart Noted, am determined to somehow keep up a civilized facade.

Have prepped DC with a set of phrases to deal with SIL, as she is deeply inappropriate and they find it difficult to deal with. Really grim, but I don’t want to disrupt the situation and end up with more contact or hassle.

Good luck. Hopefully you manage to keep it civilised.

Get a friend to call you mid visit with an "emergency"...

I often employ a slightly bemused look, a pause and then a change of topic as a response to inappropriate comments or questions. Or I call it out. Depends on my mood.
Calling it out by saying in a calm and neutral voice:
Rude
Inappropriate
I'd rather not discuss that with you
It's a good job you aren't involved then
Please keep your opinions to yourself
That was very hurtful, don't speak to me like that
Your behaviour means I dread these visits

I think if you suck it up it won't change, so maybe consider if/how you can set some boundaries at the outset. No use in being polite if no-one else is, you just take the brunt and then feel terrible. It's good to stand up for yourself.

Thanks again for all replies. Feeling a bit saner for sharing.

@OttersAreMySpiritAnimal I do try to call it out where very inappropriate. MIL has form for being very unpleasant/inappropriate/aggressive and anyone who responds (including calmly - thanks for the reminder on tone, as it is very frustrating)is then made out to be the bad guy. SIL lacks reality and has strong ideas about how others should live. Absolute nightmare. We currently see them once or twice a year despite living close-ish, so don’t want to rock the boat and inadvertently end up with them pushing for more visits.

I was once confronted with, “Oh, here we go.” I asked my friend what she meant and she explained I banged on about the same thing every time we met. I hadn’t been aware of it, but realised she was right, I had been doing that. I apologised as it must have been annoying.

Do you think that might work for you? I suppose it would depend on whether or not they cared if they are annoying.

I wish @Lurkingandlearning it was just something straightforward that could be put up with or addressed. Unfortunately SIL is extremely malicious and obsessive and it is targeted to cause trouble. There are obviously many issues at play (having never left home or had independence from the parents gives an indication). There are direct attempts to make a damaging situation for us and that is where my tolerance has run out.

I was talking to a woman once, and she was telling me that she went to a dinner party and spent the evening with her fingers in her ears as the woman next to her wouldn't stop talking. You could try that.

Or, you could do what I do and allow a pause after the inappropriate comment and change the subject.

Ha @candlewhickgreen I will try to imagine my fingers are in my ears. No response may be seen as agreement, but may be the best way to get through it. A sort of friendly grey rock approach.

There's always the weather... 👻

You need this:

Play your own secret game of bingo to keep you amused.

Make a list of things they are likely to say or do on your phone or even on a piece of paper in the kitchen, then cross off each time they do or say one of them. It won't stop them doing it, but it will give you a little chuckle, when you get a line or a full house.

I’d either misread / underestimated what they are doing. They’re being intentionally malicious and destructive so it’s time for your husband to stop faffing around and tell them they will only be seeing him in future. Surely him popping back to his family home won’t be too disruptive for SIL.

They sound horrible. If he wants to see them let him go alone. You shouldn’t have to be helping your children learn manage the shitty behaviour of visitors in their home, relatives or not.

My niece and I played bingo with Mum's 'quirks' one night. We had a fabulous night, but got pissed as farts in the process, lol.

play PIL bingo.
May be too late for this visit, but give each of the kids a bingo card with certain things on it eg:
SIL gives advice on parenting
MIL makes racist comment
PIL complains about his tea/lunch etc

depending on age of DC, they can keep it in their heads or a paper copy upstairs in their rooms and see who gets the most while they are there.

It changes their offense into something family bonding.

My tips are to pretend you're an actor playing a part. Channel someone you admire (might be Joanna Lumley for me) and play it like s/he would play it. They'll still be intensely irritating but you'll have the fun of floating above it like Joanna would.

Also, set up a distraction. Ask a friend to call you half an hour after they arrive. Said friend has to have some fake drama that you need to talk them through at length.

Or....make this the night that you bloody well snap and tell them how it is. It's got to happen some time or you'll be enduring their assholery for eternity.

Have the bingo on the go (only me as I don’t want to drag DC into it - probably would if they were teenagers, as the ‚commenting‘ is so ridiculous and overt it can’t be ignored).

Avoided the arrival as I just cannot face SIL sitting there like a kid, then sticking her nose into every aspect of our life as if she is some sort of parenting/marriage/interior decorating/etc guru (it really isn’t that interesting, not that any of it impacts her/is any of her business).

Have now decided FIL is the worst. He just sits there and smiles. Isn’t he worried/embarrassed? Doesn’t he comprehend how unpleasant this is? He also has form - on a rare visit where he accompanied very young DC to soft play he sneaked them boiled sweets. Not sure if there was some deliberate undermining as I had not let young DC have them before because of the choking risk. Or if it was just thoughtless.

Thank you again for saving my sanity. I really don’t know how to get through this without exploding/imploding. Helps so much to let off steam.

@Lurkingandlearning he never really goes alone, which I think indicates he also can’t stand the situation. I absolutely do not want them around DC more than the bare minimum. After some of the rubbish thrown around it would be justifiable to be NC, but still don’t want to go there and DC have to wonder if they missed out on one side of the family. It really is a minimal amount of contact and DC are no longer alone with them. Just trying not to lose it and be the bad guy. Very grateful to have a good vent here.

Trying to stay sane. The buildups to these visits make them feel like they take out weeks.

There is also snooping from SIL. Nothing we have to be ashamed of, but unacceptable and bl**dy annoying. Cannot imagine the nerve to do this and then ‚comment‘. I went through the recycling and found the school letter about nits. Have pinned it amongst paperwork on the noticeboard. She is germ phobic so now I actually hope she does snoop. For anyone else I would try my best to not upset them. But trying to stay sane through the judging and stirring drives me to the brink.

Grey rock.

Try it if the other strategies don't work.

Thank you @PaminaMozart Am in full grey rock mode. Will be so happy if I can literally grin my way through this and not give my husband a scapegoat (that is a problem I realize and something I am concerned/unhappy about).

I just realized FIL may be using the grey rock technique as he literally just sits there with a stupid grin. I will channel wanting to explode into out grey rocking him.

I have four coats (big puffer, small puffer, smart, rain). There is space for them and it really isn’t excessive - big puffer for standing around in the cold, small puffer for general use, etc. Two have been bagged up. Is it interference or provocation. Wise friend thinks there is an element of narcissism involved and they are seeking a reaction. I think they may just be an interfering PITA who has no idea of social norms.
I will not react and become the bad guy in this insanity.
i will not ffing react
i will not give them what they want.
I will not react.