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Original poster

Do you host play dates? If you don’t host play dates for your primary aged DC, why not?

80 replies

BoxOfCards · 29/09/2024 18:37

If you don’t host play dates for your over 5’s, why not?

DC aged 6.5 never gets invited to play dates.

When she started Reception she hit it off with X. I invited X for a couple of play dates but the favour was never returned. They are now Year 2.

DC is still friends with X, but as my DC has never been invited back to X’s for a play date, whenDC asks for a play date I suggest another friend and not X. I don’t want to be mean but don’t really see why I should provide childcare for X if the favour is never returned.

I threw DC a little Easter egg hunt & tea with a small group of friends. I made quite a lot of effort (not over the top or anything) and I hoped perhaps this would result in invitations back but still no one has invited DC to play at their house.

My house is quite small and cramped (it’s a lovely home just small) so play dates can feel a bit stressful with kids trashing the place but I want DC to have friends so I make the effort. Why doesn’t anyone else? Are play dates not the norm these days? We live in quite a middle class well to do area if that makes any difference.

DC is getting upset and emotional at me and saying she wants to go to friends’ houses to play and I have tried to explain the etiquette that she needs to be invited but she doesn’t understand.

DC is easy going, seems popular enough at school and from what I have seen at birthday parties etc. Everyone is friendly enough to me at the school gate etc. So I can’t see any obvious reason for the lack of invites.

OP posts:
Clumsy12345 · 29/09/2024 20:51

Thinking about it my mum didn’t do play dates when I was a kid either it was just playing with friends on the street we lived on and saw school friends at school.

Alliolly · 29/09/2024 20:51

We both work long hours, DS somehow ended up with several hobbies and after school clubs, plus a Saturday school (in my native language). We only have free time on Sundays, by which point I am tired, the house is a tip, the kids have likely had McDonald's or pizza for tea at least once during the week. So I usually want to stay home, clean, batch cook some decent food and just take a break from the constant rush that is the rest of our week.

I occasionally host long time friends with same age children, but I wouldn't host a school parent I barely know. DS is in Y1 and has also been invited to a playdate only once, but we've done soft play, panto, zoo, park dates etc with several of his school friends. So I guess most people don't feel comfortable having virtual strangers in their home.

skippy67 · 29/09/2024 20:52

I never hosted play dates when mine where little. Simply because I didn't want other people's kids in my house. My DC had loads of friends and went to lots of play dates.
I eased up a bit by the time they were in year 5 to 6 though.

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Sologurn · 29/09/2024 20:53

I love having play dates at my house. It weirdly makes parenting easier as my kids leave me the fuck alone (semi joking) but I honestly don't care if people reciprocate as my hours are very much in line with school finishing but lots (most) people don't get home until too late to host

Daisybuttercup12345 · 29/09/2024 20:54

I didn't. I had 4 of my own and all the neighbouring kids played together and were in and out all the time. There were a lot of them.
My daughter doesn't because she works, weekend are busy but sometimes include park meet ups or similar.

Cobblersorchard · 29/09/2024 20:55

We live in a small thatched cottage that is currently a complete renovation job. We currently only occupy the bedrooms.

But we go to loads of playdates outside the home, at least one a week but weekends only as we work. Friends understand that we are living in a building site (2.5 years in, about another year to go).

freespirit333 · 29/09/2024 20:55

I do host but only for my Y5 child. He doesn’t have tons of friends, just a few close ones, so they’re not all that common and it’s usually the same friends.

DS Y2 has only had one or two. He wouldn’t feel comfortable going to a friend’s house yet I don’t think, and while he seems to play with DC at school, I don’t think he’s got any close friends as he can be a tricky thing!

Singleandproud · 29/09/2024 20:56

I didn't host and DD didn't go on them midweek as she was at childcare, she did do extra curricular activities so saw other children there and her best school friend would come over at the weekend but I didn't know the other parents of her friends as I rarely saw them.

If she wants to play with other children why not join Rainbows or similar?

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 29/09/2024 20:57

I used to host a lot when my son was at his old school. I liked his friends and their parents. Now I don’t bother as I don’t like his friends and don’t want my son to be around them. I invite my friends children round who are nicer so he has kids to play with.

Scottishskifun · 29/09/2024 20:59

I don't host playdates I find them massively fatiguing for my condition and a 2 hour playdate will take me a day or 2 to recover. We do go when invited to others but once I feel fatigue kicking in I can make an excuse and leave. I cannot kick people out of my house without seeming like a huge A hole.

There are many reasons why parents don't invite others to their house hidden long term illnesses is mine

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 29/09/2024 21:04

Only her best friend. I work full time and most of Saturday is taken up with hobbies (hers, not mine!) She does quite a few activities though and has friends at those.

Ciclical · 29/09/2024 21:10

I dont like it.
My house is messy. As kids are messy and as its small and lived here 20y a lot of stuff. I woukd prefer meeting at soft play or park or zoo etc.

Also kids even if usually ok do get up to things last time a 10yo wanted to fekt tip on a single sheet of paper onto our carpet. And a diff girl was trying to throw a stone at neighbour cat/car!

But also even inviting kids to places my eldest has sen.
I mean even just this weekend we went for a 2hr walk and park visit. Then food shopping. She started a fight (often physical) in the car park with sister. Then arguing with us when offered between 2 bakery items. Then wishing she was dead and hating us.

So i cant really see this improving dd2 friendships.
Other time at the park dc1 fell off a rock and screeched for about an hour at 10+ and she wasnt hurt.

And when i took dd2 to a playdate my 2 had a physical fight in the back as i tried to rurn round the car to leave.

ApexDragonfly · 29/09/2024 21:11

We are a family that host quite a lot of playdates - usually around 2 per week. But mainly because knowing people will be coming round is my main incentive to clean and tidy the house.

I don't view it as offering free childcare as a favour i can cash in later. It more that it keeps my dc entertained and off screen.

My eldest is now a teen and our house is the house all her mates come to hang out at - and i love that they come round, raid the fridge and chat with me about their lives and fill me in on the daily gossip.

slaybell · 29/09/2024 21:15

Between work and after school activities, play dates are hard. DC are invited more than I can return the favour which makes me feel bad but it's just not practical a lot of the time.

inneedofaglowup · 29/09/2024 21:15

I'm the opposite. I have 3 kids and the plain simple reason is I haven't got the time and energy to do play dates. We're far too busy enough with our own days weekdays and weekends that it's impossible for me to facilitate and do these things.

herbygarden · 29/09/2024 21:17

I find them so stressful. Both my boys are hard work and when you add others into the mix sometimes it goes great and sometimes it's a disaster. My house is NEVER tidy enough that I feel ready for visitors and it's too much for my poor overloaded brain. I do do them, but not as often as I should/would like to.

coxesorangepippin · 29/09/2024 21:18

Nope, stopped doing them.

People always overstay their welcome.

coxesorangepippin · 29/09/2024 21:18

Also what Herby garden said

Two kids are enough!

User37482 · 29/09/2024 21:19

I prefer meeting at softplay etc. My apartment is a state at the moment there are books and toys everywhere. We do playdates just not at home, I wouldn’t mind so much if people just dropped their kids and left but they are at an age where parents expect to stay. I find it really awkward and I hate hosting.

When she’s older and people are dropping off then she can have whoever she wants around.

Chocolatebuttonsandprosseco · 29/09/2024 21:21

I don’t want to be mean but don’t really see why I should provide childcare for X if the favour is never returned

this is the issue. You do play dates for your child;s benefit. Not for yours so you can get childcare in return.

amd yes I did a lot of play dates, I honestly couldn’t say how many were returned, as I did it for my child.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/09/2024 21:23

Weekend playdates weren't often a thing when my children were young as there were so many birthday parties going on where they saw each other. As for weekday ones, when I was part time and could pick up from school then I did do them every so often. But I didn't love them. 2 days a week my kids did clubs which I always took them to. So didn't leave a lot of time as I also had to catch up with housework on the other days.

Life is very busy now with lots of parents working full time or from home so just don't have the capacity to invite other children back as kids will be in wraparound care or at grandparents.

mummybearsurrey · 29/09/2024 21:26

DD in Y4 and DS in Y8
I work full time. So does DH. I am out of the house 3-4 days a week.

So hosting in the week is hard for us and we have busy weekends.

Most kids who go on play dates and host them, tend to have 1 parent / guardian not working at home, or a nanny. We are not in that boat!!!

Play dates have just not been a Big thing until Y5/6

Before that play dates were with family members or really super close friends who have kids.

We host a couple from school every so often for DD.

She has 1 friend from her old school who hosts her a lot. But we clicked with the parents and hang out with them socially. So I think that makes a difference

DS at that age used to have play dates with kids he was at school with AND played sport with outside school. After the sports event. Or after a sports activity in the week.

One of DD school friends will have her over every 6 months or so and vice Versa . But her parents are public facing civil servants. So only ever happens in the holidays.

For DS I will host a few of his school friends in the holidays and have done only since Y6. Their parents will reciprocate. Usually involves a trip to a cinema, swimming, bowling and some food. Or just walking the dog and a cake/coffee.

Of course now he can organise his own and take buses / trains to see friends. This changes things!!

TBH unless I know a family I am not comfortable with my kids spending time at their house when they are young. It's hard for them to advocate for themselves at times and leaves them vulnerable. I may be overly cautious but this is in part because I lived for a time I n a country where violent crime was rife so guns were often held at home, and many people had pools and some were a little lax at keeping them safe.

So I'm a little more suspicious!!!

bluebee17 · 29/09/2024 21:28

I do most of the hosting for my 6 year old and her friends but that's the way I like it.
She an only child so I make sure she socialised as much as possible.
We have a big house with a playroom and a very big garden so makes things easier.
She does go over to her best friends house from school once in a blue moon.
Play dates only last around 3 hours.

Pinkclarko · 29/09/2024 21:29

I think it’s fine not to host play dates and you don’t need to give a reason, but then I don’t think you should accept invitations without any intention of reciprocating to be honest.

Raina09 · 29/09/2024 21:30

My DS has only just started nursery so not yet 5 but I'm dreading having to offer play dates for all the following reasons:

We have a large (gorgeous, friendly, very good with children) dog who we'd have to lock away but whines and whines, which isn't fair to him and drives us insane.

We have been renovating for years with no end in sight and I'm both embarrassed by how the outside of my house looks and struggle to keep on top of the cleaning inside. DC goes to nursery in a lovely area where everybody lives in far bigger and nicer houses than ours so they probably would at least quietly judge.

Our garden is half finished and a death trap for small children.

One of us is often wfh until 6 pm and the house isn't that big.

I'm happy to go out and about to facilitate a play date but I just don't want children of parents (or their parents) I don't know here. I don't even have my friends around! The state of the house should be different by the time DC is 6 but I also think as miserable as it sounds I no longer like having people in my house and everything that goes with it.