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How would you split bills?

99 replies

Itstoodark · 19/09/2024 21:42

I'll try and be succinct.

Ben with partner 8 years. Rent a house, have. A 5 year old DC together.

He earns £100 an hour, works 10hours a week. Has hundreds of thousands in savings and will inherit around a million.

I work in NHS as a nurse, earning around £35k a year. Very minimal savings and no inheritance.

Partner wants me to increase my hours at work to full time but won't work more than 10 hours a week. Fair enough in a way as he earns enough. He does pay more towards bills than me but wants us to pay 50/50.
For me to do that I'd have absolutely nothing left a month and he'd have thousands over.

The only reason I wasn't working full time as I had our son and he'd rather I looked after him. Also, he said it made more sense for him to work 1 hour extra a week as he earns more in 1.5 hour than I'd earn in an 8 hour day.

However whenever I ask him to help around the house. He starts shouting at me to work more. However logistically it's hard as every other week he buggers off out Thursday and Friday, so I've no childcare. I also can't work late another work day as it's his Xbox evening. The other night I work until 7.30pm and I do an evening course.

The issue is in working almost full time whilst going a course (which means extra hours on coursework). I do absolutely everything in the house and am constantly picking up after him.

He takes our child to school but only because I leave early for work. I could potentially do both but he'd just stay in bed. He literally takes our son to school. Goes back to bed until 1pm when he does 2 hours work, then plays on phone or Xbox.

I come home from work and if I have a gap, I'm washing and ironing during work whilst he's in bed, then doing school run, shopping etc. He hates getting shopping, will only do it if I ask but then gets mad. Despite the fact I'm running around all day and working whilst he's home doing nothing! He's up every night until 2am then complains in the morning if our child is up before 8am because he's tired. I've tried explaining that it's not surprising because he goes to bed so late but apparently that's nothing to do with it. He works out if he goes to bed at 2am and wakes at 8 he'll get 6 hours sleep. However he apparently doesn't sleep well (which he knows. Yet continues late bedtimes).

I'm happy to work more but it's causing me huge resentment because I'm struggling to fit everything in.

OP posts:
Glitterbiscuits · 20/09/2024 11:54

"Partner"

You have a different definition to me

I wouldn't give the time of day to someone who treated me like this.

You are an NHS nurse. Worth your weight in gold.

YellowRoom · 20/09/2024 12:08

You are in abusive relationship - contact Womens Aid for support.

StolenChanel · 20/09/2024 12:11

I echo what other posters have said about the bills being the least of your worries here.

On a separate note, what does he do that earns him £1000/week for only 10 hours work? Asking for a friend, of course…

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Beachcomber · 20/09/2024 12:24

You need help. Professional help.

You need help to leave this situation and to understand why you have been putting up with it so that you don't do it again.

You need to contact women's aid and you need to read the Bancroft's book as recommended above (if you search on the Internet you can find a free pdf to download).

If you have trusted friends and family reach out to them. Tell them and women's aid that you want to leave and let people help you do it.

There is nothing else to be done.

caringcarer · 20/09/2024 12:27

Your bigger problem is your partner is a waste of space. He won't change. Staying in bed for hours and gaming whilst you work your fingers to the bone. Come on OP you can do better, and deserve a damn sight better than what you are getting. Bin him off and find a better partner who wants to share your life not use you as a cleaner.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 20/09/2024 12:33

You need therapy.

Itstoodark · 20/09/2024 12:36

I'm in therapy. My therapy actually ends next week. I still haven't worked out what is wrong with me or how to leave.

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 20/09/2024 12:40

We do proportionally. I earn 33% of the household income and my DH 66%. We have joint account all bills / house expenses go out of and put in a set about to cover this each month - I put in 33% my DH puts in 66%. It makes it fair all rounds. If someone get a paid raise etc, we reassess the %. We then have the same % 'free' money for ourselves.

I think you have a bigger probably than just what he contributes money wise though. The fact he only does 10 hours but doesn't do much to contribute to the family life is a big red flag. Although we don't split household chores 50/50, I work less hours (albeit only 10 less than him a week) so I do more house stuff.

RaspberryBeretxx · 20/09/2024 12:49

He sounds really awful. NONE of this is OK or right. I suspect there's a lot more awful and horrifying stuff you could tell us about his behaviour!

Please please just tell yourself you'll leave him even if it takes a while to get there. Take small steps, keep telling yourself this is NOT right. Tell friends and family that you're planning to leave and get their support, squirrel away any money that you can, work out how to get some childcare in place for your DC (does your school have a before or after school club you could use) and try and up your hours, complete your course and do whatever else you can to put yourself in a good position when it comes to leave. It might also be worth asking about going on the council housing list for you and your DC. I'd also read Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that?" that I think might be revelatory for you and includes some really good practical help and advice.

pinkyredrose · 20/09/2024 14:25

Itstoodark · 20/09/2024 12:36

I'm in therapy. My therapy actually ends next week. I still haven't worked out what is wrong with me or how to leave.

There's nothing wrong with you. The problem is that you're in a relationship with an arsehole.

deeahgwitch · 20/09/2024 19:47

I agree with all the posters on here.
Ditch him.
What job does he do that he earns €100 an hour and only works 10 hours per week ?
He could get a nasty surprise and not inherit what he thinks he will. It has been known to happen fairly often.

He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and yet rents instead of investing in a family home which would go up in value - that's a mug's game.

You can do so much better for yourself and your child. Sad

IOSTT · 20/09/2024 20:29

Itstoodark · 20/09/2024 12:36

I'm in therapy. My therapy actually ends next week. I still haven't worked out what is wrong with me or how to leave.

Have you got a support network? Family? Friends? ANYONE who can help you to start organising your “escape”? Start making plans, putting money aside etc. Do NOT increase your working hours, you are already doing far too much. Please reach out to SOMEONE who will help and support you! Or this could drag on for years 🫂

IOSTT · 20/09/2024 20:32

deeahgwitch · 20/09/2024 19:47

I agree with all the posters on here.
Ditch him.
What job does he do that he earns €100 an hour and only works 10 hours per week ?
He could get a nasty surprise and not inherit what he thinks he will. It has been known to happen fairly often.

He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and yet rents instead of investing in a family home which would go up in value - that's a mug's game.

You can do so much better for yourself and your child. Sad

Yes, if his father sees your other half for the lazy and selfish git that he is, he might only receive an envelope with £50 in it instead of millions!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/09/2024 20:38

He's a lazy arse and nasty with it. Get rid of him.

IOSTT · 20/09/2024 20:46

Friend had a boyfriend who “worked online” and also spent hours every day “playing video games”. Turned out he was viewing and trading child porn. Just something to be aware of. He is in prison now thankfully.

Itstoodark · 20/09/2024 21:15

I promise he doesn't work in porn. He has a proper, professional job. I don't want to be too outing but I 100% know what is job is, it's a very respectable job.

I do have family around but ultimately I need to be ready to leave and I'm just not.

OP posts:
yeesh · 20/09/2024 21:29

He is a lazy abusive fucker, you really need to leave. He won’t look after his own child, doesn’t help around the house, cheats on you and is financially abusive. He is a piece of shit

Stompythedinosaur · 20/09/2024 21:37

You should have equal free time.

The amounts you earn are irrelevant. Chuck everything in an account and you get an equal amount of spending money each month.

The fact that he manages who is meant to love you wants to have a better lifestyle than you is telling of what he really thinks about you.

JLT24 · 20/09/2024 21:53

Itstoodark · 19/09/2024 22:01

I promise that I am 100% genuine. Honestly there is so much more to it. However this issue is something I wanted advice on because I don't know what's normal anymore.

You don’t need to sort out your joint finances so this is a non issue. You need to leave this relationship for yours and your child’s sake. He gets angry that a child wakes up before 8am. Please leave.

Ifoughthefight · 20/09/2024 21:55

Again, if this is real post, read it to yourself and you will know the answer. Sadly you are not married so you are not getting his millions

Guavafish1 · 21/09/2024 05:53

I’m very sorry for you. Your partner is abusive and for the sake of you’re son I would leave.

He is not doing his fair share of child care or household work.

I would speak to women’s aid to help you realise your situation and move back home if that’s an option.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 21/09/2024 06:03

OP
You are exhausted and letting yourself be utterly disrespected.
Please do not tell us you harbour romantic feelings towards this vile man
Please do not tell us you have sex with him.
Please.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 21/09/2024 06:08

Itstoodark · 19/09/2024 22:14

Because if I paid half of everything he would have more left over. Half for me would be a lot more. Bare in mind he also has hundreds of thousands in savings. If we split, I'll be a struggling single mum and he will be a millionaire.

There is a world of difference between a struggling mum with zero self esteem and zero partnership except a few split costs and struggling single mum managing ok and happier without a gaslighting shitty partner dragging her down

loobylou10 · 21/09/2024 14:35

Only just read the OP (will read the rest now) but for the first time on here, I am speechless.

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