How would you split bills?

[Itstoodark]

I'll try and be succinct.

Ben with partner 8 years. Rent a house, have. A 5 year old DC together.

He earns £100 an hour, works 10hours a week. Has hundreds of thousands in savings and will inherit around a million.

I work in NHS as a nurse, earning around £35k a year. Very minimal savings and no inheritance.

Partner wants me to increase my hours at work to full time but won't work more than 10 hours a week. Fair enough in a way as he earns enough. He does pay more towards bills than me but wants us to pay 50/50.
For me to do that I'd have absolutely nothing left a month and he'd have thousands over.

The only reason I wasn't working full time as I had our son and he'd rather I looked after him. Also, he said it made more sense for him to work 1 hour extra a week as he earns more in 1.5 hour than I'd earn in an 8 hour day.

However whenever I ask him to help around the house. He starts shouting at me to work more. However logistically it's hard as every other week he buggers off out Thursday and Friday, so I've no childcare. I also can't work late another work day as it's his Xbox evening. The other night I work until 7.30pm and I do an evening course.

The issue is in working almost full time whilst going a course (which means extra hours on coursework). I do absolutely everything in the house and am constantly picking up after him.

He takes our child to school but only because I leave early for work. I could potentially do both but he'd just stay in bed. He literally takes our son to school. Goes back to bed until 1pm when he does 2 hours work, then plays on phone or Xbox.

I come home from work and if I have a gap, I'm washing and ironing during work whilst he's in bed, then doing school run, shopping etc. He hates getting shopping, will only do it if I ask but then gets mad. Despite the fact I'm running around all day and working whilst he's home doing nothing! He's up every night until 2am then complains in the morning if our child is up before 8am because he's tired. I've tried explaining that it's not surprising because he goes to bed so late but apparently that's nothing to do with it. He works out if he goes to bed at 2am and wakes at 8 he'll get 6 hours sleep. However he apparently doesn't sleep well (which he knows. Yet continues late bedtimes).

I'm happy to work more but it's causing me huge resentment because I'm struggling to fit everything in.

I do see that it's not normal. The money situation is harder because he does pay a lot more than me and he's made me feel shit about it.

Honestly, it's been so gradual. He says he's happy and easy going and I'm hard work, want to argue and mental. However, he's basically happy if he can do everything he wants, whenever he wants. He's very lazy and it's been hard. My self esteem is destroyed after finding out he cheated but he tries now saying it didn't happen.

He used to get annoyed if I'd ask him to help when our child was a baby (at this point he was on Xbox 10 plus hours a day and until 3am). He'd be in bed until 1pm and wouldn't even have our child for me to shower. At the time I did everything to keep the peace, I'd just had a baby and didn't want him to leave me.
However when I finally had enough and started questioning, he'd get mad. The tmfirst time he shouted and swore, he seemed to have some remorse and insight. He went off and apologised.
You honestly couldn't imagine what it's like for me now and how it's escalated.
He obviously knows I'll put up with anything because the things he's says are awful.

Because if I paid half of everything he would have more left over. Half for me would be a lot more. Bare in mind he also has hundreds of thousands in savings. If we split, I'll be a struggling single mum and he will be a millionaire.

It's also good to see a different perspective from someone who agrees with him because I'm trying to work out what's normal. After all, he is choosing to only do 10 hours.

I can tell you what's normal.
There is no divide/your wage/my wage.
Everything goes in the same pot, wages are combined. All household bills deductions etc come out of this one pot, then what's left gets distributed equally between you both.
When a house and children are involved there is no "me" it's "us".
What a selfish arrogant arsehole.
Can't believe what I have just read to be honest it's appalling.
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this?
Fuck him off.

This is all absolutely batshit.

Is there some reason you are not allowed to leave this awful man that you've omitted from the op? I don't get it. Are you tied to him? A slave?

Why are you putting up with this miserable life, and putting your son through it? Teaching your son terrible things about relationships.

Just end this relationship, it's literally ridiculous.

Also to add I earn £1700 a month. So we don't earn the same.

The other reason he will have more left than me is because he has hundreds of thousands in savings and I don't. So for instance, he bought his car outright. I now pay a loan monthly to pay for mine, this takes a chunk of my money. I'm also paying to do a course monthly, as I couldn't afford it outright (I wouldn't have done this if I knew my car would break).

If this is real.

Do yourself a favour and end this relationship.

End this relationship. You may end up struggling just as much for money and time but you’ll have removed a huge source of resentment and negativity. If he loved you he wouldn’t want to see you exhausted trying to do everything. Get your plans ready, sort yourself a flat out and just go. In 6 months time you’ll be wondering why you didn’t do it sooner

Seriously, dump the fucker! He sounds like an absolutely repulsive excuse for a human being.

I only work 20 hours a week and I pay half, it's my choice to work part-time I don't expect my husband to subsidise me, that's why I agree with your partner. The savings aren't really factored in because you are not married I'm sorry to say. I think if we had the same disparity though my partners would only ask for 25pc. Why don't you own a house, you have left yourself quite vulnerable.

But he's not really generous with these millions. You'll be living with a millionaire and broke. Add that to the abuse and cheating, you'll be physically, emotionally and financially broken.
This is no life.

Well, your situation is NOT normal. Why are you with him? What do you see in this total arsehole to stop you from walking away?

He is VILE. Stop thinking about the money situation and start reaching out to people who can help you get out of this hideous abusive relationship.

Yes but it wasn't my choice. He wanted me to work less originally because he couldn't be bothered with childcare. He's also not willing to be here and look after our child if I work more. I used to have Monday and Fridays off and he told me I have to work more but I'm not allowed to work a Friday as he can't then stay away and go out Thursday night. I can work a Friday in school hours but my work had funding for another 7.5 hours, they wanted someone who would work the full day but I can't because he's not here. They agreed I could work 5 hours on the Friday but I have to add the other 2.5 hours another evening a week. Which is bloody hard because I do a course Monday, Tuesday is his Xbox night, weds I already work until 7.30pm, Thursday and Friday he isn't here every other week! I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do.

So is this new behaviour? Or has he always been like this and you looked.past it because.... gold plated cock?

And then you had a child with him?
Why ?

What an awful man! My DH is not and has never been close to being a millionaire. But for ten years he earned triple what I did. He never once made me feel bad for the fact that my wages barely payed the rent and everything else was on him. Incidentally I now earn more than he does but nothing has changed. Whatever we have is ours, not mine and his. Your partner sounds awful.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Really?
Why are you here?

You're here because you're living with a mean petty lazy excuse for a man.

So what are you going to do about it?

I don't ever tell women to leave their spouses on mumsnet but your DP sounds very unreasonable.

I have a similar financial setup and I don't contribute to the main bills.

This is my first ever LTB. What an entitled little shit. Honestly op he sounds vile and you sound so lovely. Please ' get your ducks in a row' as they say on here and get out of this relationship. It's never going to get better.

'Commands respect because he pays more'??? No he behaves like a shit so deserves nothing.
If he is lucky enough to have a high earning job, why doesn't he work more to ease the burden?
everyone is telling you he's awful. It doesn't matter how much he earns or how much you do - he's a pig. Leave.

If you are working 35 hours per week and he is working 10 hours per week, then he needs to be doing 25 hours per week more than you of housework, childcare etc. If he is not, that is where the imbalance lies.

Oh OP… This really is a case of “first post nails it”. And it’s especially heartbreaking to see you laying out your arguments when someone breaks down the financial situation in a similar way to him, as it shows just how deeply his ideas have embedded themselves in you - even though you know they don’t make sense. Because they do not make sense on a “this is my partner and the mother of my child” basis, even if they can be tortured into making sense on a bare facts basis.

Here are the bare facts you need to focus on:

• He is not interested in the impact his financial/work decisions have on you or his child.
• He has no intention of sharing his wealth with you on any level at any time.
• He is not interested in the impact his social/hobby choices have on you or his child.
• He is incapable of caring for others emotionally, of empathy, of taking responsibility - of love.
• There is nothing you can do to change this.
• You are more valuable than this and deserve much better. So does your son.
• You can provide yourself with that “better” life - just leaving will make things better emotionally in a way you can’t imagine.
• It is NOT you - he will do the same to any person he is with until they can no longer tolerate it.

Your son is learning relationship dynamics from the two of you right now. He is learning how men treat women. And he is learning what women “should” and will tolerate. You are showing your son that women will tolerate this. I’m quite sure that’s not what you want.

Being a single parent is very, VERY hard going - especially if you have to juggle shift work. But if you have a job in which you can manage school pick up and drop off then that is a huge hurdle you’ve already jumped. After school clubs/childminders are there to be used.

Gather ALL of your courage, find a place to live and PLEASE help yourself and your child and leave this man. Call Women’s Aid if it would help you to talk things through. Explore well-being support via work if it’s available. Look at what Uuniversal credit help will be available to you as a single parent. But get the hell out of there.

Your self esteem can only improve outside of this toxic situation. You can’t rebuild while you are living this on a daily basis. Confide in people in real life, take any and all support offered. Consider confiding in the safeguarding lead at school. Don’t be afraid to ask for help on you and your child’s account. Be at the school gates, talk socially to other parents and help your child (and yourself) develop a social network within school.

No-one worth their salt respects an abuser and that is what your partner is.

If you only do one thing right now read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (do this discreetly - you can download on kindle or Apple Books apps if your phone is private). it did me more good than years of counselling.

This is not a you problem, and working out how to split bills is not going to solve it. You need to be very, very brave. But it will be worth it. 💐

He is a lazy abusive prick. Do your child a favour and get them as far away from him as you can.

I'm sorry op but I'm fairly sure I recognise you, this guy is a doctor/consultant right? You post every so often with a similar story with slight variations, get lots of supportive replies and advice, but then stay anyway. And repeat. You're younger than him and have been posting about this shit show of a 'relationship' for at least a couple of years 😔 Is there anything that anyone can say that will actually help/persuade you to change things?

he's abusive, manipulative and has successfully gaslight you to the point of confusion over basics.
his inheritance and savings has zero merit in the discussion of day to day finances.
what is fair nothing; his position financially will mean the relationship will always be imbalanced with his view being more important due to his financial "power".