How would you split bills?

[Itstoodark]

I'll try and be succinct.

Ben with partner 8 years. Rent a house, have. A 5 year old DC together.

He earns £100 an hour, works 10hours a week. Has hundreds of thousands in savings and will inherit around a million.

I work in NHS as a nurse, earning around £35k a year. Very minimal savings and no inheritance.

Partner wants me to increase my hours at work to full time but won't work more than 10 hours a week. Fair enough in a way as he earns enough. He does pay more towards bills than me but wants us to pay 50/50.
For me to do that I'd have absolutely nothing left a month and he'd have thousands over.

The only reason I wasn't working full time as I had our son and he'd rather I looked after him. Also, he said it made more sense for him to work 1 hour extra a week as he earns more in 1.5 hour than I'd earn in an 8 hour day.

However whenever I ask him to help around the house. He starts shouting at me to work more. However logistically it's hard as every other week he buggers off out Thursday and Friday, so I've no childcare. I also can't work late another work day as it's his Xbox evening. The other night I work until 7.30pm and I do an evening course.

The issue is in working almost full time whilst going a course (which means extra hours on coursework). I do absolutely everything in the house and am constantly picking up after him.

He takes our child to school but only because I leave early for work. I could potentially do both but he'd just stay in bed. He literally takes our son to school. Goes back to bed until 1pm when he does 2 hours work, then plays on phone or Xbox.

I come home from work and if I have a gap, I'm washing and ironing during work whilst he's in bed, then doing school run, shopping etc. He hates getting shopping, will only do it if I ask but then gets mad. Despite the fact I'm running around all day and working whilst he's home doing nothing! He's up every night until 2am then complains in the morning if our child is up before 8am because he's tired. I've tried explaining that it's not surprising because he goes to bed so late but apparently that's nothing to do with it. He works out if he goes to bed at 2am and wakes at 8 he'll get 6 hours sleep. However he apparently doesn't sleep well (which he knows. Yet continues late bedtimes).

I'm happy to work more but it's causing me huge resentment because I'm struggling to fit everything in.

Jesus H Christ. He works 10 hours per week, but earns a bucket load, so that makes it ok for him to treat you like crap!

Heavens to betsy, he needs to either pull his weight around the house, with chores, childcare etc etc or you need to boot him. It sounds as though he brings very little to the relationship.

What "man" with loads of money would stand by and watch while their partner, whom they supposedly love, is struggling. Absurd. You deserve better.

If he has so much in the bank, why do you rent?

What do you love about this man?

If he contributes nothing, why are you with him?

You are a struggling single mum! What help is he being? If you spilt he’d have to pay you maintenance, or hve the child 50:50 and the state would help pay for childcare.

Nothing in this relationship is equal.

Id would suggest you rent somewhere you can afford if he wants 50:50

Are you paying a large rental in a nice area? Then move, smaller rent smaller bills - even the benefits would help you out.

Check entitled to. loser what you would get and work out how to leave this horrible waste of space.

You'd be better off financially as a single parent claiming child support and on your income you'd get UC top ups or support with childcare costs?

Jesus, what has happened to these men to make them so disgustingly selfish, mean and entitled? Tell the lazy cunt to fuck off.

And to answer the question: when you're in a live in relationship either married or akin to marriage with a child and both working, you pool your money and both benefit equally from the financial partnership. Not one person living the life of Riley and the other beggaring themselves. Ffs. I am angry for you OP. He's letting you work yourself to the bone whilst he sits around.

Why are you living with him?

You have had plenty of advice already but my question is was your child planned and did you want a baby plus what ages are you both?

OP, do you like this man? Love him? Trust him? Enjoy his company? Want him as your child's role model? Bills are important but not the only thing to consider.

Dump him and file for child support. You'll only have one child to look after them.

I'll answer a few questions, sorry if I miss anything.

Yes I feel like I love him. The thought of him leaving me makes me feel sick. However, I also hate him and I know this is not normal love. At this point I think I'm trauma bonded. I'm in an awful cycle.

Out child was not planned, however when we met he said he wanted another child, marriage home etc. I initially said he was too old for me. I was 30 when we met and knew I definitely wanted another child, marriage etc. When I got pregnant, we discussed options and he said he'd always wanted another child and he would support me if we kept the baby. However he has since shown resentment about us having a child (gets thrown at me in an arguement).

I am NOT with him for money. I wholeheartedly would rather he earned less, worked hard, had some ambition and would buy a home with me. I live in a lovely rented house but have had no happiness here and it's a reminder he doesn't see us a partnership.

He ways said we would buy a house but it's never happened. He moved to my area because I had ties here and couldn't move. He works online, him moving hasn't changed his work, how much he sees his other child etc. We literally live 40 mins from where he grew up but he goes on as if it's another country. He wants to be available to go out with his friends all the time (they are priority over everything). However they all rarely go out. The one friend he went out with every week got married last year and I'd no longer "allowed" out 😳
I do appreciate he has more, so it wouldny be even if we purchased a house. However I was always happy for his deposit to be protected and he always said we would buy together. Im assuming he won't buy as he doesn't want to buy with me and doesn't want to buy in this area. However the rent cost is crippling. He's also said he'll only buy a house with me if I go to the doctor and get medication for my mental illness (I'm not mentally ill, however the longer I'm with him, the more I'm suffering).

He doesn't even have a pension. He has always said he doesn't need one because when his dad dies, he'll inherit. That's his life's plan. If we visit his dad, he pays for everything. Partner will suggest we go out for food lots and then ask for his card!

I'm 38, partner 55.

I mean this in a kind way OP, you are an adult woman and you are in a relationship with a bratty teenager. His behaviour will never change - he has no reason to change as he has money, a home and a “skivvy” to do everything for him. You know he has cheated, lied and gaslighted you. The sooner you leave the sooner you can start to actually live. Unless this is what you want the rest of your life to be like 💐

What the fuck does he do to earn £100 an hour!

Anyway he sounds like a wanker and I bet your life would be a lot happier and easier if you split from him.

You're not his partner, you're staff and paying for the privilege.

Your meant to be in a family unit and it shouldn't be about money. He has to realise his demands at totally unreasonable due to his social life and he can't have everything.

In your situation op, and you are right, it's a trauma bond, not love - can you scrape the money together and get a good counsellor who will help you understand you will be happier if you leave him?

This isn't real is it? Can't be .. he cheated on top of everything else and you are still with him ? Are you with him because he has money OP ? I just can't think of another reason you would stay with him your life sounds just horrendous with him

No jobs you work 2 hours per day for £100 an hour, online. If you think this is real he’s lying to you about working.

the more you post the more this seems a wind up as it ticks all the boxes. Cheating, abusive, massive age difference, layabout but you LOVE him…..because?

Do you have other children?

Have you posted about him before?

However he isn't going to change, he is 55 and if anything his traits will get more pronounced. I think you need to decide if you can tolerate your life as you seem to want to find a way to stay.

I assume he doesn't have a Will which names you?

What about listing the actual tangible things that you like/love about him today?

Does he make you laugh every day? Cheer you up when you're down? Make you feel loved? Clap when you're winning? Do you have interesting conversations with him?

Don't let yourself off with 'I love him and that's that.' WHY do you?

No, not at all. I benefit in no way financially from being with him. The opposite really as I could have met a nice man and bought a house together.
He even moans about buying birthday gifts. I promise I don't live a life of luxury! He won't even take me for a meal out because he "can't afford it"

He definitely earns £100 an hour. 100%

Your 'partner' is completely useless. Waste of space. Abusive.

I urge you to leave if you can. And get some counselling.

You stayed with him after he was unfaithful, you had a baby with him, you put up with him acting like this... You need to learn what a healthy relationship is like and set some boundaries.

There is nothing. However I honestly think I'm trauma bonded. I know how ridiculous it sounds.

So glad I never read these threads before marrying or I’d never have walked down the aisle!

I met my husband later in life and although not rich, he never expected me to work and he takes care of all the bills. I do take care of the house and the cooking. It works out perfectly for us. I understand many must work now but then the household chores must be equitable. It’s unfair that women are so unduly burdened. As for this man, I’d be making my exit and swiftly.