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Original poster

How to navigate being NC with inlaws

55 replies

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:36

My DH very recently told his parents about our relationship issues/arguements including very personal things. I feel utterly betrayed.
This in turn was used against me in some really nasty, unwarranted phone calls sticking up for their son, resulting in me crying and having a panic attack. I never said one unkind word back. I could barely speak through tears. They were relentless on the phone, despite knowing I’m pregnant and upset The issues stem from me not moving on from a betrayal of my DH to me fast enough for their liking, so I’m already hurting enough without them being so unkind.

I have decided to go NC, and DH hasn’t shown any signs of being upset over how they talked to me, although he agreed they were in the wrong. He just want us all to move on and be friends.

He went around last night had a cup of tea, and I feel betrayed all over again. I thought he was going around to stand up for me, and voice how hurt I was. But he did not.

On one hand, I don’t want to get in the way of a relationship with his mum and dad, but I feel incredibly hurt that he could sit in a room with them, knowing how badly they had treated me early the same day.

He seems to be wanting to go around to see them more than usual since it happened. He wants to go again tonight, and said “I’m sure you don’t want to be controlling and stop me seeing my parents”.

I feel so conflicted - I don’t want him to not see them, but it also hurts so much.

How do I navigate this?

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 19/09/2024 12:40

Firstly I couldn’t get past my husband telling his parents about our relationship issues. I think that would spell the end of my marriage.
Secondly if he wants to see his parents that’s fine but they wouldn’t be in my home or anywhere near me or my children. I would simply go out if they visited and I would refuse to visit them.
I am no contact with my FIL. DH sees him sporadically. I do not go. I have blocked him on every form of social media and on my phone. DH does now take the kids to see him now they are older and can tell me if anything inappropriate happened but when they were younger they didn’t see him aside from once shortly after birth when he visited and I shut myself in the bedroom until he left.
Haven’t had any contact with him for over 10 years which has worked fine for us

Gymmum82 · 19/09/2024 12:42

Also you say this stemmed from a betrayal by your DH. This is painting a picture of a man who will continue to betray you and refuse to acknowledge or stand up for you. I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship

fussygalore118 · 19/09/2024 12:43

Your husband is being a knob.

You really need to think about how you will manage when you have a newborn and are feeling vulnerable. If you husband doesn't support you now how will he be when you have had the baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:43

Gymmum82 · 19/09/2024 12:40

Firstly I couldn’t get past my husband telling his parents about our relationship issues. I think that would spell the end of my marriage.
Secondly if he wants to see his parents that’s fine but they wouldn’t be in my home or anywhere near me or my children. I would simply go out if they visited and I would refuse to visit them.
I am no contact with my FIL. DH sees him sporadically. I do not go. I have blocked him on every form of social media and on my phone. DH does now take the kids to see him now they are older and can tell me if anything inappropriate happened but when they were younger they didn’t see him aside from once shortly after birth when he visited and I shut myself in the bedroom until he left.
Haven’t had any contact with him for over 10 years which has worked fine for us

I’m sorry you have similar to deal with. It’s not nice, is it?

I am really struggling with him betraying me all over again by doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:45

He also needs the approval of his parents for everything. He places so much value on it.
They are so judgemental on all our life decisions too.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 19/09/2024 12:49

I’d be going non-contact with my husband as well.

TemuSpecialBuy · 19/09/2024 12:52

Gymmum82 · 19/09/2024 12:42

Also you say this stemmed from a betrayal by your DH. This is painting a picture of a man who will continue to betray you and refuse to acknowledge or stand up for you. I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship

This

your DH is the problem / disease.
the in-laws are just a symptom

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2024 12:54

Your DH is a Dick and I would be questioning my relationship with him in your shoes BUT you can't dictate his relationship with his parents and you can't stop him facilitating a relationship with your baby unfortunately.
What you can do is not visit them at all and if they come to your house be civil but then go and find something to do elsewhere. Refer any messages or correspondence from them to your H

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:55

I have also voiced my desire to move away, so he cannot put me in this situation of going off to his parents and telling them everything again.

He shares far too much with him, but he thinks it’s normal behaviour,!and being close to his parents.

Anyway, he is massively opposed to moving away from his parents. But I have no one in this area, so I feel ganged up on.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 19/09/2024 12:55

It's him. He's the problem, it's him.

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:57

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2024 12:54

Your DH is a Dick and I would be questioning my relationship with him in your shoes BUT you can't dictate his relationship with his parents and you can't stop him facilitating a relationship with your baby unfortunately.
What you can do is not visit them at all and if they come to your house be civil but then go and find something to do elsewhere. Refer any messages or correspondence from them to your H

I wouldn’t stand in the way of a relationship with the baby. They are caring grandparents to our existing DC, it’s just hard to be in this position. I’ll be painted as the awkward bad guy who is holding a grudge, upsetting everyone. They have zero empathy for me.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2024 13:04

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 12:57

I wouldn’t stand in the way of a relationship with the baby. They are caring grandparents to our existing DC, it’s just hard to be in this position. I’ll be painted as the awkward bad guy who is holding a grudge, upsetting everyone. They have zero empathy for me.

Show quote history

I know it will be hard but you will really need to try and get over the fact that they won't like it and you will be "the bad guy" as the only alternative is to do what they say. With people like that you are either a door mat or a bad person

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 19/09/2024 13:07

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2024 13:04

I know it will be hard but you will really need to try and get over the fact that they won't like it and you will be "the bad guy" as the only alternative is to do what they say. With people like that you are either a door mat or a bad person

Show quote history

Agree. I have stood up for myself, seeing as DH wasn’t going to do it. I emailed them saying how they made me feel and I will be NC from now on. I hope it helps me heal from the sadness of all of this, as I cared deeply for them. Clearly, it wasn’t mutual.

OP posts:
Beforetheend · 19/09/2024 13:10

He’s not husband material. He’s not ready to be a grown up, with a normal degree of psychological separation from his parents.

It doesn’t bode well for parenting. There are many ways to be a father these days. In my old fashioned opinion, the best fathers are good husbands, who respect their children’s mother, care for her and parent in partnership but I will allow that there are many men who make a decent fist of parenting at a distance too.

What are the benefits of this relationship? Do they outweigh the negatives?

Velvian · 19/09/2024 13:10

How far along in the pregnancy @ICarriedTheWatermelon ? Have you got time to move away before the baby is born? Do you have a location in mind?

IclimbedSnowdon · 19/09/2024 13:13

I've been nc with my in-laws for 35yrs. It happened after a near fatal accident involving one of my dc. There was a huge falling out, and like you I was spoken to badly by mil and 2sil. Dh didn't see them for four years, then resumed contact. I remember finding it difficult and upsetting at times, and couldn't understand why he'd want anything to do with them after what had happened. I tried to be the bigger person, and never stopped him taking our dc to visit, but as soon as they were old enough to decide they stopped visiting regularly.
It has caused minor problems between me and dh on and off over the years, but on the whole life has been better for me without them in it.
Dh should have spoken to them about their phone call to you, but like my dh he chose not to.
If you feel strongly about this, as I did all those years ago go nc, but don't expect dh to stop seeing them. They may see the error of their ways when baby is born, you never know.

Olika · 19/09/2024 13:17

This makes me so furious. If this was my DH I would have lost my shit and told him very clearly that our marriage will be over if he ever again runs to his parents to over share our personal things and his parents contact me.
I think you have to set your boundaries very clear with your DH and make it clear that if he keeps choosing his parents over your marriage and wellbeing by telling them everything and painting you as the bad guy then as a result of his choices you will have to review whether you want to be married to such a twat.

Nicebloomers · 19/09/2024 13:21

ItTook9Years · 19/09/2024 12:49

I’d be going non-contact with my husband as well.

This. They sound too enmeshed to me.

What I will caution though about going NC with the in-laws is that they will try to have influence over your child and you won’t be there to see this or do anything about it. Essentially you have a husband issue.

Lemonadeand · 19/09/2024 13:23

It’s your DH you should be really angry with here.

Feedable · 19/09/2024 13:24

OP, I am sure you are right in this instance but there are so many posts on here advising women to put their parents first before their partner. I read a post on here recently that said husbands come and go but family is family forever.
You have made your decision which is your right but you cannot control your husband's right to a relationship with his family. If you divorce, he will rely on his family and will take the children to see grandparents.
Being non contact isn't a legal thing it is a very personal decision which you have every right to make.

outdamnedspots · 19/09/2024 13:26

Gymmum82 · 19/09/2024 12:42

Also you say this stemmed from a betrayal by your DH. This is painting a picture of a man who will continue to betray you and refuse to acknowledge or stand up for you. I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship

This.

If your h has betrayed you (unfaithful?) then he should be doing his best to make up to you and make you love him again.

But he's not. He's being a twat.

I'd bin him off. You're worth more than this!

Plus his parents sound horrific.

Fraaahnces · 19/09/2024 13:30

This relationship is dead. He has betrayed you three times in a short period of time. Move back to family and friends. Also, I WOULD stand in their way when it comes to your baby. They will do everything they can to poison this kid against you. Your DH is a deplorable husband.

ilovelamp82 · 19/09/2024 13:31

You're setting yourself up for a life of being an afterthought filled with resentment. Sounds like there is no indication of any understanding or improvement. If you are trapped there without anyone except him and his family, I would move. If he goes with you, fine, I guess. If he doesn't probably even better. Don't stay in this situation to be treated like this. You will lose yourself.

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 20/09/2024 13:11

Well he really doesn’t want to move. I suspect it would be only done with huge resentment towards me, he has made that clear.

I honestly feel so trapped, and hate the fact they are so close to me distance wise.
How can a marriage survive a son who feels the need to violate trust in going to his parents

OP posts:
Butterflyfern · 20/09/2024 13:20

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 20/09/2024 13:11

Well he really doesn’t want to move. I suspect it would be only done with huge resentment towards me, he has made that clear.

I honestly feel so trapped, and hate the fact they are so close to me distance wise.
How can a marriage survive a son who feels the need to violate trust in going to his parents

Honestly, I don't think a marriage can survive that.

Can I ask why you aren't considering a divorce?