How to navigate being NC with inlaws

[ICarriedTheWatermelon]

My DH very recently told his parents about our relationship issues/arguements including very personal things. I feel utterly betrayed.
This in turn was used against me in some really nasty, unwarranted phone calls sticking up for their son, resulting in me crying and having a panic attack. I never said one unkind word back. I could barely speak through tears. They were relentless on the phone, despite knowing I’m pregnant and upset The issues stem from me not moving on from a betrayal of my DH to me fast enough for their liking, so I’m already hurting enough without them being so unkind.

I have decided to go NC, and DH hasn’t shown any signs of being upset over how they talked to me, although he agreed they were in the wrong. He just want us all to move on and be friends.

He went around last night had a cup of tea, and I feel betrayed all over again. I thought he was going around to stand up for me, and voice how hurt I was. But he did not.

On one hand, I don’t want to get in the way of a relationship with his mum and dad, but I feel incredibly hurt that he could sit in a room with them, knowing how badly they had treated me early the same day.

He seems to be wanting to go around to see them more than usual since it happened. He wants to go again tonight, and said “I’m sure you don’t want to be controlling and stop me seeing my parents”.

I feel so conflicted - I don’t want him to not see them, but it also hurts so much.

How do I navigate this?

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that you take him with you when you move. He can go home to mummy.

Have you forgiven your DH for the original betrayal? Can you forgive him for him sharing your relationship difficulties and standing by while they berate you for what they see as your shortcomings?

Putting your ILs to one side, do you want to be married?

Sorry, but the only answer to anything you have written is LTB…. sorry but he is controlling and doesn’t give a damn about your feelings. When someone show you who they really are, it’s best to believe them!

Shame you can’t divorce your in-laws. Your husband is abusing you emotionally by telling them all your business so don’t tell your husband anything anymore.

he is controlling you. Can you just go out and see a friend and turn round and say you are controlling me by saying I can’t go

you can go NC with in-laws and from now on nothing get organised asDH can buy birthday, Xmas cards, presents from him and his kids etc as you are not his Secretary.

this is the first time I've agreed with cries of "get rid of him" on mumsnet, usually I think it's a bit dramatic, but this time 100%.

You are perfectly reasonable to go NC with the inlaws, they sound awful. But honestly id also be reconsidering the marriage. Your H has betrayed your trust multiple times, id never forgive him for telling family my personal business. Things will probably only get worse from this point onwards, his family will be poisoning him / your DCs against you. Id cut my losses now and get out. Sorry OP, really hope you're ok. You deserve so much better, especially whilst pregnant with his child!

@ICarriedTheWatermelon honestly I cannot see how this will work for you. In your shoes I’d be planning my exit strategy.

I don’t think your marriage it surviving it tbh. It sounds like you’re totally dragged down by them all and to be honest I’m questioning why you’re resigning yourself to this atmosphere for you and your kids?

Your problem is your DH, not the in laws. 🤷‍♀️

This won't improve. Leave while you can. Actually easier with a baby than an older child.

You have a DH problem.

he has no business sharing intimate things about your relationship with his parents and he has already “betrayed” you.

if you are NC but your DH & children continue to have a relationship with them you will be the family bad guy who is always portrayed as difficult (and that is how it will look from the outside).

I would suggest you need to consider your future and think about whether it would be better for you to move on from this man & his parents and have some legal arrangements in place for them to see the kids.

Send him home to mummy. They aren't caring dgps. They are cunts.
I hope they don't have your mobile number.. No herd of wild horses would have me around them. Or married to a man like your dh either..

Where are your friends and family? What area? Are you able to stay with anyone in your familiar area while you decide what to do or to just have a break?

Op this sounds suffocating and horrendous.
Your dh doesn't have your back and he isn't on your side.

You also can't trust your dc around people who are so nasty to you.

I'm surprised anyone would want to be a situation where their husband and children were going off as a family without the mum.

It sounds miserable to me.
Do you have parents? Are they supportive?

Is it possible for you to stay there a while?

Op this sounds suffocating and horrendous.
Your dh doesn't have your back and he isn't on your side.

You also can't trust your dc around people who are so nasty to you.

I'm surprised anyone would want to be a situation where their husband and children were going off as a family without the mum.

It sounds miserable to me.
Do you have parents? Are they supportive?

Is it possible for you to stay there a while?

I honestly could’ve wrote this, in my 40s now and things slightly better but if I could go back I would’ve split and saved loads if heartache. My partner actually sucks up and steps up more for his mum when she’s been awful to me. Think he’s been emotionally abused and brought up with conditional love. His mums always seen me as an outsider and looks for things to be annoyed at with me. It’s so negative and draining. She thinks her son can do no wrong and has never taught him accountability

Also why is he wanting to tell his parents about things obviously knowing how they’ll react towards you? He likes how they’re going to react

Are you sure he's not just saying he's seeing his parents for the second night running and going elsewhere? Since you're not on speaking terms you'd never know if he was actually going somewhere else. Just thinking of the previous betrayal if he has form for cheating.

My first OH always put his parents before me and the children. If you imagine a ladder, they were top rung , he was second, then came everything else including dogs, the land, his guns, the cars. The kids and I were onthe bottom rung. Never changed. 20 years.
I left. Should have left 20 years earlier at the first sign.

Cheating…once a cheat, always a cheat. They say it’s a mistake. No. It is a choice. Marriage without the full support of the spouse is not a marriage worth having. In my experience and I had 2.

We only have one life and you can’t go back. You need to think hard what kind of life and marriage you want.

This sounds tough, OP.

You said he betrayed you - what did he do?

What did your husband say to his parents about you? What had happened before he did that?

Sorry. This sounds like a husband problem not an in-law problem.

sadly you’re pregnant and I understand you feel trapped. But it’s time to get out

Then he can fuck off back home and live with his parents. Balls to that for a game of soldiers. Time for you to get a good lawyer or stay in a foursome for the rest of eternity

I could have written this myself some years back. To the exact same on the phone with my now ex MIL whilst I was pregnant having a go at me about her wonderful son and what a cow etc I was. I ended up with high blood pressure from the stress and being taken into hospital. Unfortunately my ex carried on the way yours has and I stayed with him for a few years desperately trying to make it work and eventually believing I was the problem in their life. When you are surrounded by it with very little apart from them it’s easy for people like that to psychologically and emotionally abuse you into believing you’re a problem.
As so many have said and again I know it’s so very hard, leave him. It’s never going to get better, the lines have been crossed and the precedent has been set that they can all treat you however they want and it’ll be your fault every single time. My ex went on to being physically violent towards me, the in-laws still blamed me for that.
Going back I wish I had left at the point of that call and the ex MiL causing me such stress whilst pregnant with her grandchild that I ended up in hospital. I wish I’d run then, never married him and never put his name on our son’s birth certificate. It would have saved me so many years of unhappiness, and I’d have not been the ridiculous wreck I am now with so many issues after years of abuse from that family. Get all the help you can, from any friends and family, woman’s centres. You’ll need the support either way. Sending love to you.

You have 2 options shut up and put up , your dh clearly has no respect for you and couldn't give a toss about your feelings or you can leave!
why on earth women stay with men like this blows my mind they spend their lives moaning on and feeling resentful but do absolutely nothing about it .
He can only treat you how you allow him to HE was the one that betrayed you yet in typical narcissistic fashion he's turned the tables so you are the bad guy making you isolated and vulnerable ensuring he can get away with whatever he wants because you have no support and are daft enough to take it .

"How can a marriage survive a son who feels the need to violate trust in going to his parents"
To be blunt - it can't. The only variable is how much time you allow to pass between now and the inevitable end .

Start thinking about life without him. Where do you want to live? I'd suggest back to where you have family and friends, so that you can build your support network. Consider YOUR needs not his wants. Yes you will now have shared custody, he is still their father - but right now, you need to put your own needs first, because he never will.