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Original poster

Finances - what is fair between husband and wife?

78 replies

Mil3nnial · 18/09/2024 00:06

DH and I each earn around £60K. As of this month he will earn £60k and I will earn £59K as I am reducing hours slightly. He works five days and I work
four days a week. We have young children.

Me having Mondays off means I lose 20% of my salary, no childcare costs for that day and I spend some of that time off cleaning and doing things for the family. Overall we do share household chores but I carry about 75% of the mental and domestic load (by my own calculation).

Is if fair that we simply pay 50/50 towards everything? It probably is but I am resentful of this because when he earned slightly less he made sure he contributed less and also I am losing some of my salary for the benefit of our family. He says I should just put the children in childcare five days and work five days if I am bothered about that.

Without going into background I have paid more than 50% for as long as I have been with him for one reason or another and do more in the house too. I know the split is not fair. I knew he would not pay more than me. He has never insisted on 50/50
until now. He has also said he won't contribute to a cleaner as she doesn't do a good enough job but then who do we think does the cleaning - no prizes.

OP posts:
DementedPanda · 18/09/2024 00:11

Because you have similar earnings I think you should put it all into one pot and pay equal share of bills. Whatever is left divided equally between you

BigWiggg · 18/09/2024 00:14

Bludy hell what am I reading?! He sounds like a nightmare. You’re married with his kids.

No advice other than I’d divorce him. I dread to think what he’d be like if you couldn’t work due to ill health. Then what would he do? Can’t see him supporting you with the way he carries on. Talk about the ick…

The set up sounds more like a pair of lodgers looking after a couple of spaniels, not a married couple with kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2024 00:17

Why the both of you bothered getting married is beyond me. It really shouldn't be this complicated and miserable. Are you a family or are you not? The answer is you're not, clearly.

MindfulAndDemure · 18/09/2024 00:21

I'd say it's a fair split, EXCEPT for the fact that when he earned less, he made sure he paid less. Was it a huge difference back then?

UncharteredWaters · 18/09/2024 00:25

Absolutely not 50:50.
there is no recognition for the childcare, the household or the menial work.
id be spelling that out in single words.
and that the dipshit thief didn’t pay his share back when he earned less.

very clearly he’d be getting told. And billed for his back contributions.

cut down on the shit you do. Starting with anything for him,

also your pension needs protected to the same level as his.

do not lie down to this. What would happen if you or a child was long term sick?

StormingNorman · 18/09/2024 00:27

If you’ve always paid more, it’s only fair you continue splitting household expenses proportionally. Your share is 49.57%. As a point of principle it’s important even if the cash difference to each of you is minimal.

You are choosing to go part time and reduce your income because you decided it would be better for your family. It doesn’t sound as if DH is in agreement so I’m not sure you can expect him to support a decision he signed up to.

anothermnuser123 · 18/09/2024 00:32

Honestly I just dont understand marriages like this, nitpicking each thing, making sure you are not hard done by. Surely a marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Why does he feel he is above doing cleaning and his fair share in the house and with the children?

I personally dont understand a marriage where everything is so separate but reading MN it seems so common these days but to me a marriage is about being a team. The idea of one person being better or worse off, especially when you read about one person struggling and the other doing great, it just feels odd to me. You are supposed to be in it together, whether that be finances, housework, parenting, life stress. The point is to go through these things together.

Original poster
Mil3nnial · 18/09/2024 14:37

@MindfulAndDemure Yes this is it. He has made excuses over the years why he should pay less (he was paying child support, had low level debt to pay off, earned slightly less) and I paid for all our food and everything our children need including clothes, toys, cot, pram, pushchair, bedding, beds, furniture for their bedroom.

Now I will be earning slightly less due to working slightly fewer hours - reducing from 90% to 80% because juggling 90% hours in four days while trying to fit in house work, cleaning and laundry most days was too much - and have to pay back our child support which I was receiving but earn over the threshold. I was receiving this so it's fair I pay it back but then again I bought everything for the children (by default not by agreement) and I paid more when he has his own debts to pay.

@Aquamarine1029 I feel we are a family when it suits him. I wouldn't care if not for the fact he made sure he paid less before and now he has more money he wants everything to be 50/50 when actually I should be paying slightly less.

@StormingNorman Yes I have but we have both saved money in childcare over the years and decisions he has made in the past few years have impacted us both including quitting his job at one point and now doing a job that is technically less stressful than mine and so he is paid less. We are both in effect doing a similar thing - I work fewer hours and he has a less stressful job and we get paid about the same (we do similar jobs).

@anothermnuser123 To be honest it has been like this for a while and I don't think it's good. It came from him. He looks for reasons to do less, pay less, even to the point that he is being unreasonable.

We have decided against joint accounts.

I just feel really annoyed he is now insisting on 50/50 now it benefits him when he never would before. I am honestly not a petty person and hate his attitude but feel taken advantage off and yes I do feel a lot of the time that this marriage is not working but that's for another day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mil3nnial · 18/09/2024 14:44

Thanks everyone for the opinions.

OP posts:
stanleypops66 · 18/09/2024 14:49

I couldn't be so nit picky especially as you're basically earning the same. Dh and I earn similar (me a bit more), but I work less so do naturally do more childcare related things and dog care. It doesn't bother me and I know he'd rather work less and do those things. He does pull his weight with household stuff when he's here though.

Swissrollover · 18/09/2024 14:51

I agree with most that this is an unusual financial arrangement. (We are all in one pot, joint account, etc.)

Would it make any difference if he paid 2.5 days childcare and you 1.5 days, as you are "paying" the extra day with your labour?

eurochick · 18/09/2024 14:52

Is the 59k in the OP accurate or is it supposed to be 50k?

Original poster
Mil3nnial · 18/09/2024 15:04

Yes it's 59k v 60k but I have other outgoings now including a big HMRC bill for child support and be paid less when he earned £39k and I earned £40k and had other stuff to pay including debt and CSM

also I am earning less because I'm using that time to look after our children and do other things at home

but yes it is not a big difference and I kind of think let's just start again on the same page and if I go full time next year I'll tell him he's still got to pay half even if he earns less!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mil3nnial · 18/09/2024 15:05

It is just that trust me if he can get out of paying he will whether it is his share towards bills, he never buys anything for the children, he doesn't buy anything for our home... I knew it would never go the other way where he would pay more even though he said I should pay more so he could pay his debts and then he would help pay off mine.

OP posts:
pinkfleece · 18/09/2024 15:06

Everything into one pot, everything out of one pot. You're a family, not flatmates

DramaAlpaca · 18/09/2024 15:07

I just couldn't live like that. All our money is family money and goes into one pot. We allow ourselves spending money and consult on big purchases. It's easy and works well for us, and it's the same whether only one of us is working or both of us are working even though he earns three times as much as I do.

cestlavielife · 18/09/2024 15:08

Get the cleaner

Summerhillsquare · 18/09/2024 15:11

The bad news is that you have married a lazy sexist. The good news is there is a way to fix that - divorce. Will he enjoy 50/50 do you think?

Teateaandmoretea · 18/09/2024 15:12

You do know that if you split up assets are joint, right?

I have my own account (I’m not having DH going through my spending). But I honestly have no idea how much we each contribute, we just have things we pay for. It’s seems fair-ish and allows us to both build up savings/ do what we want.

He sounds tight tbh, that’s the problem.

JoyousPinkPeer · 18/09/2024 15:14

The precedent is already set in your household as you paid more when earning more. INCLUDING things for the children and home. There is no way I would out up with this financial abuse.

skyeisthelimit · 18/09/2024 15:22

Tell him that in line with what you have historically done, the lower earner pays less in, and now that is you , you will be following that precedent.

Tell him that the cleaner stays and he either has a word about the standard of cleaning, or finds another cleaner.

Advise him that when your earnings go back up to full time you will revise it again.

Make a list of chores and agree on who is doing what each week.

Download the MSE budget planner so that you can work out your annual costs including everything for the children and each pay in accordingly. You should not be paying for everything for the children.

If he won't listen then you have a bigger problem.

EducatingArti · 18/09/2024 15:42

He should be making a contribution to all the costs for the children. You shouldn't be paying it all. So I would call his bluff and say you are happy to do the 50/50 but all child related expenses ( childcare clothes Christmas birthday child share of food etc) should also be split 50/50 as they are as much his children as yours.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 18/09/2024 15:49

Totally unfair. We have always paid into our joint account the amount of our wages that leaves us both with the same amount left over in our personal accounts, and then all the bills etc are paid from the joint account. We always did this, when I was a SAHM or very part-time, and when I was earning more than dh. Housework etc has been shared out according to how much free time we each have. Your husband is completely unreasonable.

jolota · 18/09/2024 16:20

I am very pro everything in one pot & out of one pot for families as someone mentioned above but I know some people don't go for that but honestly when your salaries are so similar this seems like a no brainer? Why is he nit picking such a small amount. What is he doing with 'his' extra money?
If your decision benefits the family then the whole family should benefit, including you.

mrsm43s · 18/09/2024 16:32

What do you think you should be paying?

Given how close your incomes are to 50:50 I probably do that for ease of maths, but by all means insist on 49.××:50.×× if that's really important to you. It's surely going to be pennies though?

All child costs should be shared 50:50, including anything you spend on your child on your day off with them.

Household tasks should be shared between you fairly too, do that you both have quality time to yourselves.

The aim in a family is for equal free time and equal disposable spends, no?