Finances - what is fair between husband and wife?

[Mil3nnial]

DH and I each earn around £60K. As of this month he will earn £60k and I will earn £59K as I am reducing hours slightly. He works five days and I work
four days a week. We have young children.

Me having Mondays off means I lose 20% of my salary, no childcare costs for that day and I spend some of that time off cleaning and doing things for the family. Overall we do share household chores but I carry about 75% of the mental and domestic load (by my own calculation).

Is if fair that we simply pay 50/50 towards everything? It probably is but I am resentful of this because when he earned slightly less he made sure he contributed less and also I am losing some of my salary for the benefit of our family. He says I should just put the children in childcare five days and work five days if I am bothered about that.

Without going into background I have paid more than 50% for as long as I have been with him for one reason or another and do more in the house too. I know the split is not fair. I knew he would not pay more than me. He has never insisted on 50/50
until now. He has also said he won't contribute to a cleaner as she doesn't do a good enough job but then who do we think does the cleaning - no prizes.

Overall we do share household chores but I carry about 75% of the mental and domestic load

Why? Just why?

I ask myself just why do we find ourselves in this situation over and over again, sharing costs 50:50 and then women shouldering a significant proportion of the mental and physical load of household and parental responsibilities.

What is the answer? I'd love to know

What is he doing with the extra money he is keeping? He does realise that as a married couple the law sees all the money as belonging to you jointly? Ie if he is stashing cash in savings or pension in his name and you divorced that money would be yours as much as his?

Oh, I've just thought, with the uplift in Child Benefit thresholds, you'll presumably be entitled to the £25 or so CB each week. Why not have that paid to you to? That should more than cover the difference in salariés making 50:50 fair.

I'm in a different situation to you in that I've always been very much the primary earner. When my wife worked it was only ever part time on low wage and she has been retired the past couple of years so not earning at all. My approach has always been that the bills get paid first and then each of us has the same amount in discretionary spending money, regardless of who earns what. Anything else would not be a fair and equal marriage in my book.

How much "extra money" do you think a 50/50 split will afford him over a proportional to wages 49.57/50.43 split?

I imagine he's used it to treat himself to a cup of coffee!

We just have all money goes into joint account and we can each spend as we please (we consult about big purchases). I find any ‘separate money’ arrangement in a marriage very strange. We’re a team

Another “everything in one pot” relationship here. We each have a single joint account into which each month we get the same amount of spending money put in.

TBH he sounds tight

I'd stick with 50/50 but he pays 50% of everything not just the things he chooses to pay for. Plus as the higher earner I'd make him do the tax return for the child benefit and take the hit out of his wages when it's clawed back

I'm assuming you haven't read my updates

Your DH is a dick. What would happen if you (or him) were suddenly unable to work ever again?

All money should be in one pot, and childcare, domestic load & mental load should be shared 50:50 if you’re working almost the same hours.

Yes, I have. I still don't get what you want? You say it was proportional when you were the higher earner, and now you're cross that he wants 50/50, which pretty much is proportional.

Exact proportional would be 49.57%. He's suggesting 50%. That's proportional rounded to the nearest whole number, and probably only a matter of pennies difference than if you did it to 2 decimal places.

All child related bills also need to go into the pot to be shared proportionally too, plus essential house bills.

@mrsm43s its not what she said.

Fair would be putting all money into one account to pay all the bills, long term savings, pensions, and child related costs the remainder being split between you into your own personal savings accounts. All the household labour should be split so that you get equal amounts of 'free time' - so if you are spending your day off cleaning, shopping, gardening etc. that still counts as 'work time'.

I am sorry your DH is so aggravating, I can see why you wouldn't want to share an account with him. He doesn't seem to regard your marriage as a partnership or that you are a team.

Could not agree more!!

@Mil3nnial i don’t think your issue is the 50/50 split now. And i think you know it too.
It’s the fact you’re taken for granted. From you picking up the bills when it suits him to not stepping up to clean/hw but refusing to put his hand in his pocket to pay for a cleaner.

Youre going to find it hard to justify something else than 50/50.
BUT I’d start with

• doing a budget and looking at how much you’re actually spending out of the common pot - aka how often are you paying for stuff for the dcs for example out of your own money
• Reorganise chores in the house agd give him more responsibilities. Then step back and met him fail.
• review your life. Despite his fault, is it still worth living with him? The fact you’re getting resentful is telling me there is much more at play than the 50/50 and him not pulling his weight.

Honestly, a partner is supposed to improve your life. How is he doing that exactly ?

Have a serious think whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with

I had one just like this. I divorced him and my life has been significantly better from the moment I kicked his lazy selfish arse out the door.

Right, just looked up child benefit. For 1 child it's £1331.20 per year.

Claim it in your name.

Your total income is then £60,331.20 v his £60,000. So on 50:50 you actually "win" slightly.

All necessary bills for house, child etc to be split 50:50. Housework/chores/chilcare to be split so you both have equal free time. If he's not doing this, then this is what you need to push back on, not a 50:50 bill split between two people who earn equally.

What's not what she said?

Isn't the problem that your husband is a cunt?
And that you both dislike each other immensely?
I'm not surprised on your side because what you've written about him sounds horrible and I have absolutely no idea, none at all, why you would want to be with a man like this.

This - and are you happy being married to him because you sound miserable

He sounds like a selfish prick and I'm being nice here. What exactly do you get from this relationship? How does he enrich your life? Do you feel loved, appreciated and cherished?

So make an agreement that you'll pay 1/2. But if the circumstances change and he promises to always pay 1/2 no matter what else is going on.

He can't have it both ways.

@mrsm43s No that's not what I said at all. Even he earned slightly less than me (£39k v 40k and similar) I paid 50/50 for the bills and mortgage and then I paid for all food, lots of other things for the home such as furniture and also everything our dc needs from their cots, beds, pram, pushchair, car seats, clothes, uniform.

Now I will be earning £59k (as I work 4 days) and he is earning £60k and he is proposing we split everything 50/50, which I have actually said (if you read my updates) is probably fair enough since our earnings are so close but what annoys me is that he was keen to let me pay more when he could and now he could pay a bit more (as I have other things to pay out such as the HMRC relating to child benefit received but arguable don't in the kids) he will not pay a penny more.

I do claim the child benefit in my name but as mentioned I have to pay a chunk back from last year due to my earnings.

I also want to have savings for DC and he refuses to let this come out of the joint pot so I will be putting into a savings account for the DC (maybe £100 a month). I suppose I can't make him pay in and I am happy to do it anyway but feel it's a bit rubbish he doesn't want to contribute.

we have said we will have a joint account for food, petrol, meals out, trips and DC clothes and childcare so I won't be paying for all of that.