Should neighbour noise be affecting me so dramatically?

[UtterKaos]

I'm pretty sure I'm NT but the longer my neighbours plague me with their noise, the more I start to feel that maybe I can't deal with it as well as other people. I just can't block it out.

For context, they moved in in May. It's a terraced house. Thin walls but no so thin that I could hear the people who lived there before as much as this.

All day, all night their TV is on. They never turn it off, only when they leave but they rarely leave their house, once or twice a week if that. It's on at full volume. It vibrates through the wall and I can feel it under my feet. It can be heard in every room apart from my bathroom. It's so loud I can hear words being spoken clearly and know exactly what they are watching.
It's so loud that I now wear noise cancelling headphones all the time. I put them on as soon as I open the front door and only take them off to shower. The headphones only dull the sound though and I can still hear their TV. I'm sure they have soundbars positioned along our shared walls.

It's now got to the point where I'd rather die than have to live like this. I know it sounds extreme and that's why I wonder if I'm not NT, if their noise just affects me more than it would affect others.

I can't make a complaint to the council as I'd have to declare it when I sell. They're homeowners, no landlord to speak to. I've spoken to them to ask them to turn it down countless times. I'm usually met with a grunt, a shrug of the shoulders and their door slammed in my face. Recently, they've also started banging on the wall. I feel I'm going mad but I honestly believe they're doing it on purpose to annoy me even more. They bang in the area where I believe their main TV is.

Today I cracked. I just wanted to die. I banged my head on the floor and screamed. I think I had a breakdown. I can't stand it any more. Am I overreacting? It's so unlike me. I'm usually calm and level headed. I hate myself like this.

OP, sympathy, this is awful. You're not going mad, it's just really annoying. However, from the point of view of your mental health and well-being, choose to take the actions that are within your power and accept the things you can't influence right now. So, choose to get some respite away. Choose to gather evidence, or choose not to make a complaint (gather evidence anyway, and choose your course of action when you have perspective and have got advice here and in real life). (Personally I wouldn't start a noise war because the outcome of escalation can be unpredictable.) Now, the tough part. Accept that the noise is the noise for now. Work around it. Label it dickheads noise. Choose to continue to be where you want to be in your property. Choose to wear headphones or not. Choose the noise you want to listen to as well. Every time it intrudes on your consciousness, notice it and then draw your attention back to what you want to attend to (you might find mindfulness exercises for chronic pain helpful here). Choose to smile at them or choose to ignore them. Put yourself in control of your actions, because you can't control theirs.

Can't you just read the OP??

You nee to complain to the council. I did this about a bonfire problem. They sent one letter and it's not been a problem since. If I have to declare it when I sell I can say that so I can't see why that would concern anyone purchasing. It was years ago now. Definitely make the complaint, it could resolve the issue overnight. You can't continue to live like this.

Did you even bother reading the op? Fucking hell.

🤣

i will give you a house point.

Do you have a child and do they have a recorder? If so, record them playing it and then leave it playing on a loop all night.

Perhaps learn the harmonica, that gives a satisfying screech.

You could also send them an envelope of glitter in the post. Make it paint glitter and they'll be hoovering for months.

I disagree, I think it’s a neurotypical viewpoint versus a neurodivergent reaction.

DO NOT report to council. As you rightly are aware of, it will mean having to disclose it on sale and you could be sued if you don’t. Do just leave. Get the hell out. I really feel for you. I would be driven to despair too, life is too short. They sound like horrifically selfish people (esp given the last owners were fine). They also sound gross and lazy having the tv on all day, do they not have jobs !? You are perfectly justified to be so upset. I do think the only way through this is to leave.

Three choices really

1. You sell up (expensive, inconvenient)
2. You report to the Council (waste of time in my experience especially as they are owners)
3. Play Baby Shark at full volume for a couple of days. If they are young, mix in some classical music, if they are old, play some club music. Get the speakers right up against the wall and boost the bass to max.

Is your house older or a recent build? If you have an old airing cupboard in your living room next to where the original chimney and fireplace was , stick the speakers in their as your neighbours living room will be a mirror image of yours and that will get the sound even closer to them.

But that’s conjecture. There’s no diagnosis. The OP needs a plan basically.

I'm ND and my neighbours put a dartboard on the adjoining wall and played for 2hrs or more at a time - clearly a lot less than you're having to put up with and we tried to liaise with them ie only playing up till 10pm, not playing between 8 and 9pm when the kids were trying to go to sleep etc. we get on well with them which is why we didn't feel we could really do anything official to get it sorted.

Eventually i started to feel like you did - id go and sit outside the entire time they were playing because i couldn't take it anymore.

They eventually got fed up with us complaining about it and got some kind of soundproofing which has solved the problem but I'm still on tenterhooks waiting for the noise to start. It's going to take a little while longer for my brain to remember that noise isn't going to happen anymore. I was getting to the point i was essentially having a panic attack when i heard them start playing.

I think you're going to have to seriously look into moving op.

Does her reaction sound neurotypical to you?

To me it sounds like someone who has endured a sustained stress response and has lost rationale.

Yes! Baby noises sounds great. And if they complain then just gaslight them and say, what noise?

I mean, obviously it doesn't sound great haha. But babies crying would be unbearable.

I'm just not sure. I've never responded in that way before to anything. I was thinking what would I advise someone to do if they found themselves in my situation and suggestions regarding complaining to the council, selling up etc would what I would have advised.

I think I just lost my mind and couldn't take it any longer. I've still not returned home as I'm out with friends now having a drink or two. I'll go back when I'm drunk and care less about the continuous noise intrusion. But, yes, I think I'll have to start to make plans to sell. I got this property with a shared equity loan and will never be able to afford to buy anywhere else in this area, not in the whole of the south actually. It'll be a huge upheaval and I'll have to consider changing jobs too.

Don’t complain to the council. It’s a waste of time and only escalates the situation with your neighbours. If you have spoken to them and they have ignored you that tells you everything you need to know. Soundproofing doesn’t eliminate the noise, you will still hear it albeit slightly less.

I strongly suggest moving. From bitter experience it’s the only way.

Enjoy your drinks and your night with friends and try and relax, and focus on that so you get a night off, then revisit this tomorrow. All may not be as catastrophic as it feels. You have options but you need a plan of attack. You don’t have to leave your job because of these inconsiderate arseholes.

If you are going home tonight perhaps you could be ‘oh so drunk’ you end up banging about, carrying on the party and keeping them up
all night 😉

It sounds like your neighbours are excessively noisy and lots of people have given you good advice about how to go speak to them or manage it.

I can only speak from my experience but as an ND myself, any neighbour noise is torture. From a space of compassionate and realistic future planning I had to stretch my mortgage and go for a detached house. My sensory issues are so difficult that I would rather live in a van/ caravan than a terrace house. I do understand that this isn’t available to everyone. I also understand that NTs find this difficult to understand. Torture isn’t a word I use lightly, it’s actual torture. As NDs we have to make very difficult decisions based around our needs. That’s sad and it’s not fair but it’s the reality of our lives. X

I know how you feel, that sort of noise does my head in, partly because if someone knocked on me and said my noise was too loud I'd turn it down no problem at all, I hate that sort of second hand noise. I lived above a bistro for 6 months on a busy high street, always lived in noisy London so don't mind the noise of life, or the jolly pub garden outside the bedroom window, or the loud road, but the bistro owners put their sound system in their ceiling so under our floorboard and we could hear single word of all the music, it did my head in. It got to the point I wore headphones playing low level white noise so I could hear my husband talking but I couldn't hear the music. I was also heavily pregnant so was mental torture, I could hear it through wax earplugs even so couldn't nap during the day when on maternity leave. I used to countdown til closing time and if it was a few minutes over I'd be stressed. I'm a really chilled person usually but the constant sound of that music just did my nut in. I used to stay late at work so that I'd arrive home after closing time just to avoid the sound, it can be a real stress so I feel for you.

Can you contact the council about it? Or ask for a proper sit down and explain with the neighbours just how bad it is affecting you and that you'll have to pursue an official course if they don't turn it down. And people will say music has to be blasting to be enforceable or outside sociable hours but its not the case, you are entitled to comfortable use of your home.

If you retaliate by blasting out music, aren't you then just doing to your neighbours the other side what these arseholes are doing to you?

My only is advice, go over there (I read you tried that) and offer to buy them a Bluetooth sound bar that they can put on the other wall that faces the street.

You shouldn’t have to and there is a risk they are cunty enough to put it on the same wall.

it resolved the problem for us.

Also to add , I did as pp, wore headphones continuously, for the TV and also with white noise, I still do if can hear screaming kids in the summer, and when neighbours sometimes they have people round, but my now neighbours aren't arseholes and there's no noise at night or unreasonable hours . Enjoy your drinks op .

OP, you've said you've talked to them and asked them to turn it down and all they do is grunt and ignore you - so how about telling them.

Stick up for yourself, don't let them ruin your home life, go and tell them they're being antisocial neighbours and they need to shut up. Go round and tell them, seriously and firmly, to turn their fucking tv down.

You are the only one who can sort this out (as you're not willing to report to the council) so stop being polite and bloody tell them.* *

I've been in a situation like this.

I sold.

I will never live in an attached home again.

Sell.