I’m scared I’ve fucked my kids up.

[JusWunderin]

Long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. I see other parents who go on walks, take kids to the park ect ect. I never do any of that, it’s very rare I’ll take them out on my own. I wait until the weekends when my husband is home for things like parks, zoo, ect. I never do anything during the week.

I also don’t play with them at home very often. I’ll like play as in rough/tumble play, tickling, laughing ect. But I don’t go and play with toys with them. I think it’s partly my depression, and also partly the fact I am far too addicted to my phone. I’ve been trying to stay off my phone more which works but I still don’t feel the motivation to get up.

I’m waiting on therapy for my MH. But I fear I’ve already damaged them for when they’re older. I hear so much on social media that not playing with your kids can damage them mentally when they’re older ect. I just need reassurance that they’re ok and it’s reversible.

How old are they? To be very honest that doesn’t sound great. If you can’t give them time, attention and experiences could they go to nursery or a child minder a few hours a week?

I’m not judging but if this is their day everyday during the week it’s not really enough. You don’t sound neglectful but very disengaged and that will impact them.

My DM had depression throughout her life and I'm sorry to say it really impacted me and my siblings. I had an unhappy childhood and I was scared being at home. I moved out as soon as I could. Surprisingly we get on fairly well now but it's an unresolved, never spoken about issue.
At least you know you have a problem and you are trying to get help. This is good!
Put your phone away. For everyone's sake.

Is there anything you can find motivation for? I never enjoyed “playing” but loved to read stories, play board games, sit with them whilst they did crafts or painting. Can you set them up with activities where you can at least sit with them even if it’s a struggle to take part.

Are you a SAHM? How many kids and how old?

What do they do, what age are they?

Buy one of those phone cages that locks your phone away for 8 hours and buy a dumb phone for emergency calls if you don't have a landline. Turn the TV off too so it's not a distraction for either of you.

What do you do with your children all day?
I'm not great at roleplay type games so didn't do much of that but there are so many other things. Silly question but do you know how to play? Perhaps doing some research into age appropriate activities would be good that you can try
Sitting together reading
Putting music on and having a dance
Having musical instruments out
Sitting drawing together
Threading Cheerios on spaghetti
Pipe cleaners into a colander etc

If your DC are under 5 ask for a home start volunteer to pop around and help you

If you are unable to give them time, attention and age appropriate activities then they need to go to nursery or preschool if they are little to get their needs meet and to give you a break to recover your MH.

What age are they? Do they not go to a nursery / pre school or school? At least you are acknowledge the problem and seeking help, but please minimise phone time, and I hope they're not in front of the TV for the whole day. You don't have to play with them all day long, but if they're home all day with you, I do think you need some interaction like reading books, playing games, crafts.

How old are the children? What is your mh condition?

To play devil’s advocate if your mh isn’t great then you might be better off not doing too much in case it flares up. Professional afterschool clubs / childcare if under school age might be better

Getting out of the house and going to the park/ for a walk, might help your mental health. Although I get that it difficult to do it.

Of course you are. We all worry that we’ve messed up the little buggers.

You would be a bad parent if you didn’t, as far as I’m concerned.

I get the MH health thing but I don't believe you are actually "addicted" to your mobile phone so if you can play with them at all you can play actual games with them or with toys, you just prefer not to.
Put your mobile phone upstairs and stay downstairs or similar, it can be boring to play with our kids but its a case of won't rather than can't from what you say.
Having said all that you probably haven't ruined their lives or anything but it is a shame that you are both missing out

Bluntly, OP, we can't tell you they're OK. We don't know. How old are they?

I agree with a pp about getting a phone cage and a landline or dumpbhone for emergency calls. Go cold turkey on scrolling. It's exacerbating your MH difficulties. If there's no end to the likely wait for MH support, you need to find a way to fund doing so privately. This can't go on, for your own sake, or your children's. And yes, depending on their ages, they should be in some childcare/education setting that will give them stimulation, outdoor time etc.

It's really good you realise you have a problem, but:

I just need reassurance that they’re ok and it’s reversible.

We can't give you that reassurance, because what you're describing is not ok or reversible. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need a wake-up call. You have had some excellent advice on this thread, but the most important thing is keeping your phone out of reach so you can't scroll on it when you're with your children.

Being outside is SO important for children (and adults!). I would start by forcing yourself to take a short walk with them every day. How close is your nearest park?

Are you on anti-depressants? If not, get a GP appointment to discuss going on some.

Well change it today, start slow and just take them to the park. Go and feed the ducks etc etc.

It doesn't sound great. 5 days a week you rarely play with them and never leave the house. Of course, it will have an impact on them.

What do you do when they ask you to play, say no constantly and then sit on your phone? I can't even imagine how that must make them feel. Surely you can turn your phone off for 30 mins and play a game. Even if you hate the game, you surely can see they enjoy some attention from you.

If you want to do something good for your kids borrow a book called the Anxious Generation from the library. It is about mobile phone use in kids and explores things like thr dopamine hit you get from scrolling and how it affects you. You can apply everything it says about teenagers to your own habits.

Changed my parenting. All the things I told myself are just about ok with the kids around really aren't.

One of the changes that led to is that we increased hours in nursery and clubs - they are better getting that interaction and engagement away from home than missing it wherever they are.

How old are your children? Do they go to nursery or pre-school? If not, it sounds like they would really benefit from that and have some of the experiences you're struggling to give them. I would also suggest you speak to your health visitor if you have one, or your GP about befriending. It might make a big difference to have someone who can give you some moral support, company and encouragement to take some manageable steps out of your comfort zone.

Mental health struggles are so difficult. This sounds like something you need to address in terms of getting your children out into activities and meeting people, but if you are providing a safe home and loving connection then that will go a long way, and they will be able to catch up. You just need to take those first steps in getting help, it's really a very good sign that you're concerned and aware of this.

Structured games may help, and reading to them. You don't need to be too ambitious but definitely make yourself put your phone away at least for a period of time each day.

you don’t need to take them too the zoo to be happy. I also never took my kids to the zoo without my husband, because he likes them too and we don’t have endless money.

And you don’t have to join in with the barbies or the Lego. Find something you do like and just start small : play one small boardgame. Or read one story. Or do half an hour crafting together.

It doesn’t sound much of a life, for any of you.

I suffet depression and anxiety too and feel a bit like this but my children are older(15 & 10). They have school plus a couple of after school activities in the week too.
I struggle in the holidays sometimes but I still go out at times, it's harder to know what to do with them now they are older though. Before they got to this age I would take them down the park or pop to a cafe for lunch. Now they go out themselves with friends more.
I am addicted to my phone though, it's an issue I find hard to break.

Might you be happier if you went out to work and your DH took on more of the parenting? Does he find it easier to play and engage with them? They do need an engaged parent but it doesn’t absolutely have to be you if you just can’t do it.

I agree that endless scrolling on your phone won’t be doing you any good either in the medium to long term.

Could you access any parenting courses locally?

I had bad mental health issues and had just got out of an abusive relationship when my oldest DC were 1 and 7 so can relate to what you're saying. I really didn't have the headspace for play, however the absolute best thing for me and them was to force myself to take them out. To the park, swimming, the woods, just for a walk. Anything just to get out and break the day up. I had bad anxiety and had actually been agoraphobic for the first 9 months of DC2 life so it wasn't easy but it really helped, and got easier with time. They are adults now and are ok.

Why did you post this? Was it get reassurance or support to make some changes?

I have serious bouts of depression. I recently found that my Mum was on meds for it in the 50's. I do remember her moaning over silly things and being awkward but I never look back negatively. I do remember her saying "not now" a lot...and I either had or formed a great imagination, not sure if naturally or because of it. I don't know if mine noticed anything. I used to find it difficult going places or finding getting the children in the car like a mountain to climb. Heaven sent me a garden! I used to set trails up for kids to find things or races, we also had 4 dogs. Maybe set some time where you read to them for a bit and do some art and craft. Try to find a nice park with climbing stuff....