I’m scared I’ve fucked my kids up.

[JusWunderin]

Long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. I see other parents who go on walks, take kids to the park ect ect. I never do any of that, it’s very rare I’ll take them out on my own. I wait until the weekends when my husband is home for things like parks, zoo, ect. I never do anything during the week.

I also don’t play with them at home very often. I’ll like play as in rough/tumble play, tickling, laughing ect. But I don’t go and play with toys with them. I think it’s partly my depression, and also partly the fact I am far too addicted to my phone. I’ve been trying to stay off my phone more which works but I still don’t feel the motivation to get up.

I’m waiting on therapy for my MH. But I fear I’ve already damaged them for when they’re older. I hear so much on social media that not playing with your kids can damage them mentally when they’re older ect. I just need reassurance that they’re ok and it’s reversible.

Maybe start really small with just a walk down the road to the playground if that's a possibility? or even just down the road and loop round, depending on how small they are even just walking down the road to the library/shop etc was always an adventure for my toddlers! I don't like role play either particularly but I would just get the paints or play doh or glue/bits out and we'd all sit round the kitchen table and make a ridiculous mess! You can have a cup of tea and ask them to tell you about what they're painting/making if you don't want to get involved in the actual craft!

They will notice that mum is on her phone over engaging with them, who knows about long term effects, phone distracted mums are a fairly new thing.

But you have recognised it.

Is anything you are doing on your phone more important than being part of your children's childhood?

Can you face starting small? Take them to the park on the way home from school? Or when it's quiet in the day if preschoolers?

Even just them making potato prints at the kitchen table whilst you make dinner?

Even doing chores together let them push a hoover round?

Have a teddy bear picnic with them in the garden/lounge?

Your actions will have an influence how can they not?

Being disinterested, or seemingly, will contribute to them thinking being disinterested on a screen is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

You can't change yesterday OP but you can change today and all future days. So forget about all the yesterdays, regret can be paralyzing, do something today. Something small. It gets easier and more enjoyable the more you do it.

You haven't fucked your kids up trust me, but maybe try and get out for a little walk even once a week with them, I don't think you need to spend every waking minute playing with them either though

How old are your kids? At least they’re getting out and about at the weekend, they are having some interaction from you, and I assume they are playing alone/together? Some parents aren’t very imaginative and playful which is fine as long as the kids are getting warmth and love. If it’s simply because you are addicted to your phone, that’s something you can work on. However, anxious and depressed parents sometimes create anxious and depressed kids because we learn so much from an early age about how to view life, deal with problems and create relationships. So by working on yourself, if you choose to do that, you will be setting your kids up to be happier and more resilient into adulthood

First —- stop looking at social media and comparing yourself! That is no good for anyone.
Start small, aim for one game or one activity. Keep it very simple. A game of snap, or snakes and ladders. Or if you prefer activities decorate small shop bought cakes. Icing and sprinkles , messy but kids love that. Or put your own toppings on a pizza base.
If your kids aren’t old enough for these choose one thing that’s age appropriate.

Phones, and I’m as bad as anyone, try putting it away for 5 or 10 minutes, a time that’s comfortable. Then increase that minute by minute.

if you’re not into sit down activities try exercise with the children maybe? I think the Joe Wicks lockdown things were popular, they must be online somewhere.

and don’t beat yourself up! One day at a time, one activity at a time.

Totally agree with this although I don't have a good relationship with my mother and at best tolerate her. I don't have a single happy memory of my mother in childhood and I ended up feeling she didn't like me (us) because she never took an interest in us or seemed to want to spend any time with us. I have no emotional attachment whatsoever to her.

She also uses her anxiety to control everyone and refuses to seek any help for her anxiety (which she accepts she has) or her depression (which she doesn't accept).

Your children sound young so it's on you to address the issues.

They do need an engaged parent but it doesn’t absolutely have to be you if you just can’t do it.

This.

And the genetics line isn't necessarily true. My mum had severe depression. My childhood was not great, but despite that, I have not inherited her depression and I do fine.

But I do think that you need to change something here, and you need to be realistic about what that is. If you initially thought it was your phone, but you're finding that you can't do it even when your phone is out of sight, it might be time to admit that you're not in the position right now to be as engaged as they want you to be, and come up with a new plan. Could your partner swap with you, and look after them? Could they go to nursery, so that they're doing activities and learning and socialising there?

I have never been great at 'playing' with toys (role play) but I do activities with them. I take them out to places, we go for walks, we bake. Play boardgames. Watch something together even, cuddle up and watch a film.

It doesn't sound great but it also sounds like prettyuch all parenting pre 1970s

Do you think they feel safe and loved? Do you care for their physical needs? These are first and foremost.

You say DC so presumably they play with each other? That is not bad.

Figure out what you can do within the confines of your illness. Could you devote 3 30 minute slots each day to playing with them? It would feel more manageable that way.

Definitely outsource what you can, nursery, pre school, play groups.

My mum was depressed my entire childhood, I don't think she ever did anything with us or took us anywhere other than the shops. I don't know if it did us any harm, probably did but we didn't know any different.

Op, how old are your children?

I am/was under the care of the perinatal MH team for both of my children. We are taught that it is never too late to break bad behaviour cycles/intergenerational trauma. So if you want to make changes, it isn't too late.

'The book you wish your parents read' is also another good one and talks a lot about 'rupture and repair' - you apologise for any wrong doing and do differently in future. Definitely worth a read.

You care about this problem enough to post about it. That suggests you care enough to make a change.

Don't ignore what you do already do - you tumble with them and tickle them, you take them out at weekends with your partner. It is not your job to entertain your children 24/7. You are not a clown. Weekday nights are mainly for being calm and letting them wind down so they have the energy for school next day.

But you can add a few changes. Like PP have said, I'd start small. On the way back from school once a week, go via a playpark and don't take your phone with you to collect them. In an emergency everyone else has phones so borrow theirs. Or if that feels too much, just don't take your phone, head straight home, but chat to them on the way back. Ask them silly questions like 'Who was naughtiest or silliest at school today?' Or 'Did anything funny happen?'

At home, put your phone in a zip pocket of a coat and hang it in the wardrobe. Sit down on the floor with some toys and play for a while. Doesn't have to be for long - just 10 minutes or so, setting up an idea for what they could build out of lego, or helping make a dolls hospital with cushions for beds and hand towels for blankets. 10 mins then leave them playing.

You could play at times when you are dealing with them anyway - maybe put food on their dinner plates in the shape of faces, or sit a cuddly toy up to table and ask if they can read his mind because you wonder what he's been doing all day.. There's loads of low-effort fun to be had just putting a cuddly toy in a silly place and asking 'What's teddy been up to? Anyone seen him?' then letting them run off and find him.

When they are in the bath, play with bath toys a bit and just chat to them - you are supervising them anyway. I used to ask stuff like: What would you spend a million pounds on? or if you could have a superpower what would it be? Or what would be in your dream home? They love stuff like that.

I used to pretend I had a favourite CBeebies show. They'd watch TV and then call me in to watch 'my favourite' show and we'd all snuggle on the sofa to watch it and then I'd get back to making dinner or sorting laundry. It was just 15 minutes of cuddling together.

At night, read a story or a chapter of a story.

That's more than enough. Letting children entertain themselves is actually really good for their development and we don't do it often enough these days.

I think you need to start really small. Get out to the park once a week for 15 mins- let them play around on the swings etc. You can do 15 mins off your phone.

If the weather is crap, I find ‘organising’ one or two activities helps break up the day - eg painting, specific books, ‘excavation’ of toys out of edible sand. Sometimes having all of the toys out at once on the mat seems overwhelming and I can’t face it.

I take mine to the library sometimes when I can’t think what to do. And sometimes they just have to come and do boring stuff like go to the supermarket and post office but I interact with them as I do stuff so hopefully they get something out of it.

I had two kids with SEN and a husband working long hours in the city so we rarely did activities during the week. But at home they had my undivided attention.

I'm sorry you have MH issues but this is on you to address now. It's never too late to change.

Simple things, chatting while they have dinner, boardgames, a DVD, stories, puzzles it doesn't matter what you do, but you must give them your undivided attention every single day.

Your kids are more important than your phone.

Get a big cardboard box and see what fun you can come up with.

You owe it to your kids to work on it, engage with the help that's provided. You've identified the problem, now it's up to you to act on it. Read self help materials whilst your waiting. See if you can make small changes that you can build on with help.

My DC are 15 and 19 now and I still struggle to throw away a good carboard box

I have eupd, anxiety and depression And honestly my biggest fear is passing it on to them which is the main reason I started them both in nursery so young I want them to have as much normality in their life and good positive role models from others as possible. Also try and get a good support network around you and if not possible a paid one so on weeks you can't leave the house others can help

How old are your DC?
What have you tried so far?
I can partially relate as I had major depression( since diagnosed bipolar)
The DC don't know what's in your head so it literally is Fake it until you make it
You might not do role play but are you tactile and loving? Do you read with them?
I used to do play doh, colouring and baking with them
You must try hard to get out with them
I don't drive but gradually made it to the bus stop then on the bus with them
Baby steps with everything
There's nothing wrong with putting the TV on while you have a cup of tea.
Make a plan of activities for the week( like a meal plan) and do as many as you can

Depression is an arse and it is telling you that you are messing your kids up and the more you listen to this critical voice and take it at its word the more stuck you become. You are taking steps, you are seeking therapy, your kids go to school and out at the weekends, these are all positive steps. I agree with whoever said above about how our parents did not play with us and we mostly turned out alright, it never used to be a thing, I loved playing imaginative games on my own. Rather than focusing on your screen time get the kids away from screens for periods of time so they have more variety in their day. I used to stop screens after dinner and none before breakfast, but you do what works for you. The thing that is different is the fact that you are reaching out for help and therapy is bloody hard but if you are willing to look at your patterns it can support you to adjust and move these rigid patterns of thinking. Which will help you and your kids. Good luck.

Put your phone away whe they are withyou. You don’t have to play make believe type games - my goodness I can’t bear to do that - but find something you can engage with them on, even for ten minutes at a time. Also read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry

First of all, list all the good things you DO do for your DC. Feeling terrible can be a vicious cycle and you end up feeling ridiculously - and unduly - negative about everything.

Put your phone is a different room, on loud for vital notifications (emergency calls). Delete all social media apps. The reflexive desire to look at them will fade after about a week. Get some books and magazines and put them in your living space. When your kids are playing independently, look at them instead of scrolling.

Like many, I struggle with imaginative play (my DH is excellent at it) so I read, do puzzles, craft, play card/board games, bake, go to the park. Things like craft kits are very helpful if you're not the type to come up with something fantastic from loo roll tubes... Plan 2 things you are going to do the next day and just do them. Soon, you might realise that your are enjoying yourself and enjoying your kids more. Then it becomes a positive cycle.

The fact that you are aware of it is great.

Maybe try some phone boundaries. Put it in a box at certain times or on a certain day of the week. Delete social media for a month. You will form new habits and your MH will start to improve. Good luck with it.

Whoops, I haven’t read further than the first question yet which is quite important,

My eldest is 5, goes to school 5 days a week, other is 3 and goes 4 days a week to nursery. Sorry I should have mentioned that!

Right so they are tired after school, put the radio or some background music on
get home fix a light snack,
some colouring and sticker books at the table or other arts and crafts that isn't too messy like play DOH / make salt dough
get some rich tea biscuits, icing pens and a little icing sugar+ water made up and they can decorate biscuits whilst you make dinner,
have dinner and get all kitchen tidying up done then.
Little boardgames in the living room the Orchard Games one for that age or Guess Who, connect 4
maybe some construction toys Lego / mega blocks etc put it on a shower curtain or fitted sheet so it can be scooped up in one go and minimise tidying, sit on the floor with them
read to each other and have the decorated biscuits and a warm drink
Washed and ready for bed
CBeebies bedtime hour or similar

Keep cardboard food boxes and toilet/kitchen rolls from the week and on a Saturday give them to them with some masking tape and they can use it for junk modelling, again everything done on top of a shower curtain to avoid mess on the floor