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My husband messaged his “ex” - is this acceptable?

77 replies

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:31

hiiii, just wanted some other opinions on this situation…grab your cuppas because it’s a long one, so, when my husband was asleep his phone was unlocked and when this usually happens I usually lock it for him and put it beside him and carry on with whatever I was doing…I’m certainly not those type of wives that start checking the phone or whatever because my husband has never given me a reason to doubt/distrust him. Anyway, however on this occasion, when I picked up the phone to lock it, I saw that he’d started a chat with someone on his contact list, it was just a simple “hello, how you doing” but the person basically replied and it went something like this
I thought I told you not to contact me and I’ll contact you instead…because it’ll make it hard for me to forget about you”. Naturally when I saw this I silently freaked out because it just looks so suspect but I tried to think rationally. I spoke to my husband about it and to cut a long story short, he explained that it was his ex girlfriend (even though he was very reluctant to call the woman his “ex” and kept referring to her as a “friend”) and he’d just messaged her to say hello as he remembered her seemingly out of the blue. I then told him that I wasn’t impressed because as a married man it’s not normal or appropriate to just be sat randomly remembering your exes and then going ahead and messaging them. In my opinion this shows a lack of consideration for your current partner because I believe that a lot of mistakes people make simply starts with a thought…then it leads to something else etc. I’m actually quite upset about it, and yes I know that it was just a chat and he technically didn’t write anything “incriminating” but it’s just the fact that it’s an ex…like of all people. He tried to reassure me that he doesn’t ever contact her (she lives in another continent) and it was just an out of the blue thing but I’m not buying it. Imagine if I just sat there thinking of an ex boyfriend then I message them? Like what will I be trying to achieve with that? I personally think it’s a symbol of something deeper…maybe reminiscing of past times or something? What do y’all think? Sorry long rant.

OP posts:
MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 10/09/2024 17:40

No, no, no! You don't randomly contact someone that's an ex, unless kids or unfinished business etc. Her response is also troubling!

I would only contact an ex or anyone I had mild feelings for if I wanted it to go somewhere. I've met a lot of men who seem to think it's ok to do this but they seem to be lying to themselves about why they feel the need to contact.

I have done a quick Facebook check on an ex but it would be disrespectful to my partner to contact them... and again, why would I want to!

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:42

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 10/09/2024 17:40

No, no, no! You don't randomly contact someone that's an ex, unless kids or unfinished business etc. Her response is also troubling!

I would only contact an ex or anyone I had mild feelings for if I wanted it to go somewhere. I've met a lot of men who seem to think it's ok to do this but they seem to be lying to themselves about why they feel the need to contact.

I have done a quick Facebook check on an ex but it would be disrespectful to my partner to contact them... and again, why would I want to!

This is my thoughts exactly! What is the objective of messaging them

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 10/09/2024 17:43

Oh dear. That sounds dodgy AF.
Sorry, OP.

Interested in this thread?

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Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:44

TheShellBeach · 10/09/2024 17:43

Oh dear. That sounds dodgy AF.
Sorry, OP.

Extremely dodgy

OP posts:
AtYourOwnRisk · 10/09/2024 17:45

I think your reaction is epically out of proportion. I’m in touch with several exes. I went to visit one who lives in another country last year, while I was in the same country for work. DH had lunch with his girlfriend before me recently. We’re strong and happy.

(And don’t phones generally lock themselves? It sounds to me as if you were snooping.)

Jillybloop393 · 10/09/2024 17:50

Difficult one - he hasn't done anything wrong .... yet! I wouldn't be happy about it, to be honest. You're not his keeper, you don't control him ... but I think it's disrespectful to you, and a little worrying.

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:50

AtYourOwnRisk · 10/09/2024 17:45

I think your reaction is epically out of proportion. I’m in touch with several exes. I went to visit one who lives in another country last year, while I was in the same country for work. DH had lunch with his girlfriend before me recently. We’re strong and happy.

(And don’t phones generally lock themselves? It sounds to me as if you were snooping.)

His phone doesn’t lock itself sometimes. I didn’t react negatively/disproportionately; I was very calm and we had a calm conversation, but I understand some couples are fine with that sort of thing (having ex partners in their current lives) but we’re not that type of couple - hence my confusion/disappointment. And I certainly wasn’t snooping - I did mention in the original post that I’m not the type of person that snoops as I don’t have a reason to and I find it a bit weird 😂

OP posts:
Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:52

Jillybloop393 · 10/09/2024 17:50

Difficult one - he hasn't done anything wrong .... yet! I wouldn't be happy about it, to be honest. You're not his keeper, you don't control him ... but I think it's disrespectful to you, and a little worrying.

My thoughts exactly

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 10/09/2024 17:52

I don't necessarily think contacting an ex is always bad. I'm friends on FB with one of mine from many years ago. He posted recently from hospital and it's clearly something serious. So I sent him a private message saying I hoped he had a quick recovery. However it's the response here that makes your husband's message look dodgy. Her reply would make me think that much more is going on.

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:55

Dartmoorcheffy · 10/09/2024 17:52

I don't necessarily think contacting an ex is always bad. I'm friends on FB with one of mine from many years ago. He posted recently from hospital and it's clearly something serious. So I sent him a private message saying I hoped he had a quick recovery. However it's the response here that makes your husband's message look dodgy. Her reply would make me think that much more is going on.

Hmmm, I see where you’re coming from, but in my opinion, when you’ve moved onto a new relationship, exes should be part of your life if
a) you have child/ren together
b) you’re business partners or something like that
c) you get on really well and you made it clear from day one that you’re going to remain friends and everyone else is aware of this so it doesn’t come as a surprise

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 10/09/2024 17:56

AtYourOwnRisk · 10/09/2024 17:45

I think your reaction is epically out of proportion. I’m in touch with several exes. I went to visit one who lives in another country last year, while I was in the same country for work. DH had lunch with his girlfriend before me recently. We’re strong and happy.

(And don’t phones generally lock themselves? It sounds to me as if you were snooping.)

And were these exes who you stayed in touch with since your break up, or exes who you decided to message out of the blue once you were settled and married to your husband? Apples and oranges.

OP I would be just as likely to text the bloke who works at the local petrol station as I would my ex from before I was married who I've lost touch with. They are both completely irrelevant to me and not part of my life. Your husband wants to reconnect and her response makes it sound like there's unfinished business. It's not necessarily game over for your marriage, but he needs to start telling the truth fast.

TwinklyOrca · 10/09/2024 17:57

How long have you been together? Her response seems rather odd - why would she still struggle to forget him ? And the other part “I said I’d message you” clearly been prior conversation to this one. Very odd.

Cerialkiller · 10/09/2024 17:58

So I'm guessing from her answer that a, it isn't the first time he's contacted her and b, he knows (now if not before) that she still holds a candle for him. Did you not ask to see more of the conversation,? Was it deleted?

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:58

Fargo79 · 10/09/2024 17:56

And were these exes who you stayed in touch with since your break up, or exes who you decided to message out of the blue once you were settled and married to your husband? Apples and oranges.

OP I would be just as likely to text the bloke who works at the local petrol station as I would my ex from before I was married who I've lost touch with. They are both completely irrelevant to me and not part of my life. Your husband wants to reconnect and her response makes it sound like there's unfinished business. It's not necessarily game over for your marriage, but he needs to start telling the truth fast.

I totally agree with this. It’s really random and I don’t know why you’re thinking about her and then decide to act on it by texting her. That’s what makes it strange because if it’s just a “friend” then why would she respond like that 🤔

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 10/09/2024 18:01

He shouldn't be contacting someone he knows has feelings for him when he is in a relationship. Looks too much like a bootie call and he's trying his luck.

AtYourOwnRisk · 10/09/2024 18:02

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:50

His phone doesn’t lock itself sometimes. I didn’t react negatively/disproportionately; I was very calm and we had a calm conversation, but I understand some couples are fine with that sort of thing (having ex partners in their current lives) but we’re not that type of couple - hence my confusion/disappointment. And I certainly wasn’t snooping - I did mention in the original post that I’m not the type of person that snoops as I don’t have a reason to and I find it a bit weird 😂

Edited

I’m not talking about whatever you said to your DH, I’m talking about posting a lengthy, outraged post on the internet!

Exes exist. Unless you were betrothed from the cradle, we all have them. We all had romantic and sexual pasts before we met our current partner. We are the people we are because of them, sometimes. It’s no more surprising that we sometimes think about them than it would be thinking about an old friend. This seems to make you deeply uncomfortable — why? If my exes were so great as boyfriends, I’d be married to them rather than DH. Some of them make better friends than romantic partners.

thursdaymurderclub · 10/09/2024 18:03

i love how you make it so clear that you never look at his phone, but that you noticed it wasn't locked so you went to lock it and just happened to see this message.

how did you even know his phone was not locked? most phones nowadays auto lock after a certain amount of time, so there would be no need for anyone to lock it?

none of that makes any sense, i don't know why you don't simply admit that he was asleep so you had a peek at his phone. if they are honest, i would expect a large number of wives and partners do this.. from sheer nosiness!

i've no opinion on the messages between him and his ex.. my DH messages some of his ex's from time to time, and i message mine..

Velvetandgold · 10/09/2024 18:03

That's bullshit. He's married to you and she's "having trouble forgetting him"?! Like they just broke up last month or something...and he won't refer to her as his ex, calls her a friend, so she's still in his life then... Sorry OP, you're being played.

Trebol · 10/09/2024 18:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 18:35

Velvetandgold · 10/09/2024 18:03

That's bullshit. He's married to you and she's "having trouble forgetting him"?! Like they just broke up last month or something...and he won't refer to her as his ex, calls her a friend, so she's still in his life then... Sorry OP, you're being played.

It’s not making much sense to me either 🤔

OP posts:
Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the poster's request

Would you?

OP posts:
ZombiePlanet · 10/09/2024 20:09

Velvetandgold · 10/09/2024 18:03

That's bullshit. He's married to you and she's "having trouble forgetting him"?! Like they just broke up last month or something...and he won't refer to her as his ex, calls her a friend, so she's still in his life then... Sorry OP, you're being played.

I agree with this. It is a very odd response if they'd not spoken for years and years. Surely if he's had time to meet you and marry you then they split many years ago therefore she would be over it by now?! It's not plausible that he hasn't seen/ talked to her for years given her reply.

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 20:17

ZombiePlanet · 10/09/2024 20:09

I agree with this. It is a very odd response if they'd not spoken for years and years. Surely if he's had time to meet you and marry you then they split many years ago therefore she would be over it by now?! It's not plausible that he hasn't seen/ talked to her for years given her reply.

This was what I was thinking too. I’m trying to not make a big deal out of this and I’m sure it’s probably nothing but the inner investigative lawyer side of me just wants to get to the bottom of it 😭😂

OP posts:
LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the poster's request

Me too.

This whole thing stinks. Tries to pass her off as a "friend" AND that convo you read doesn't sound like all of it...more like he's deleted as he's gone. It reads like he's recently contacted her, something's been going on, she's broken it off, bit of time passes, he texts her again and that's when you then start reading

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 20:36

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 20:31

Me too.

This whole thing stinks. Tries to pass her off as a "friend" AND that convo you read doesn't sound like all of it...more like he's deleted as he's gone. It reads like he's recently contacted her, something's been going on, she's broken it off, bit of time passes, he texts her again and that's when you then start reading

You think? But the conversation was like a fresh new one.

OP posts:
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