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Original poster

My husband messaged his “ex” - is this acceptable?

77 replies

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:31

hiiii, just wanted some other opinions on this situation…grab your cuppas because it’s a long one, so, when my husband was asleep his phone was unlocked and when this usually happens I usually lock it for him and put it beside him and carry on with whatever I was doing…I’m certainly not those type of wives that start checking the phone or whatever because my husband has never given me a reason to doubt/distrust him. Anyway, however on this occasion, when I picked up the phone to lock it, I saw that he’d started a chat with someone on his contact list, it was just a simple “hello, how you doing” but the person basically replied and it went something like this
”I thought I told you not to contact me and I’ll contact you instead…because it’ll make it hard for me to forget about you”. Naturally when I saw this I silently freaked out because it just looks so suspect but I tried to think rationally. I spoke to my husband about it and to cut a long story short, he explained that it was his ex girlfriend (even though he was very reluctant to call the woman his “ex” and kept referring to her as a “friend”) and he’d just messaged her to say hello as he remembered her seemingly out of the blue. I then told him that I wasn’t impressed because as a married man it’s not normal or appropriate to just be sat randomly remembering your exes and then going ahead and messaging them. In my opinion this shows a lack of consideration for your current partner because I believe that a lot of mistakes people make simply starts with a thought…then it leads to something else etc. I’m actually quite upset about it, and yes I know that it was just a chat and he technically didn’t write anything “incriminating” but it’s just the fact that it’s an ex…like of all people. He tried to reassure me that he doesn’t ever contact her (she lives in another continent) and it was just an out of the blue thing but I’m not buying it. Imagine if I just sat there thinking of an ex boyfriend then I message them? Like what will I be trying to achieve with that? I personally think it’s a symbol of something deeper…maybe reminiscing of past times or something? What do y’all think? Sorry long rant.

OP posts:
LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 22:18

She's struggling to forget him because it hasn't been 7 years

ciaopizza · 11/09/2024 00:09

Is it an ex who you had heard about before? Would you know much about his relationships before you?

Hayley1256 · 11/09/2024 00:17

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 22:18

She's struggling to forget him because it hasn't been 7 years

This! From her response it sounds like this may have been a more recent relationship. I would be very suspicious of this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
sammylady37 · 11/09/2024 06:26

thursdaymurderclub · 10/09/2024 18:03

i love how you make it so clear that you never look at his phone, but that you noticed it wasn't locked so you went to lock it and just happened to see this message.

how did you even know his phone was not locked? most phones nowadays auto lock after a certain amount of time, so there would be no need for anyone to lock it?

none of that makes any sense, i don't know why you don't simply admit that he was asleep so you had a peek at his phone. if they are honest, i would expect a large number of wives and partners do this.. from sheer nosiness!

i've no opinion on the messages between him and his ex.. my DH messages some of his ex's from time to time, and i message mine..

Yes, I always love the elaborate and contrived back stories about how people just happened to see messages on their husbands phones, and how they definitely weren’t snooping, no siree, absolutely not snooping at all.

Blondiebeachbabe · 11/09/2024 08:06

Absolutely nothing wrong with checking a partners phone, if you have suspicions. My first H and I were having problems. He got drunk and passed out. I looked at his phone and found texts between him and my BEST friend discussing the sex they'd had. When I confronted them both, they still denied it. I would never have gotten the truth, had I not snooped, and I'm not sorry.

Okay, so my thoughts on this :

He shouldn't be thinking of his Ex, if he's happily married to you.

He CERTAINLY shouldn't be texting an old flame - I mean, why would you, if not to start something?

How would he feel if you were reaching out to Ex boyfriends?

This line : ”I thought I told you not to contact me and I’ll contact you instead…because it’ll make it hard for me to forget about you” makes no sense if they haven't spoken for over 7 years, because

A) no one would even remember a conversation from 7 years ago
B) no one would still not be over someone, if the last contact was 7 years ago
C) no one, with an inch of pride, would admit they're still not over someone from 2017!

FWIW, I was with my first H for 20 years, and we have 2 adult children, and we have zero contact. ZERO.

I would check his texts, e-mails, whatsapp, messenger - you name it. You deserve the truth. In the meantime, I would go very cold on him, move unto spare room if you have one, make him realise he's in trouble.

Melonjuice · 14/09/2024 20:13

The fact she’s told him not to contact her speaks volumes
he knows she has feelings for him and he wanted the attention

bifurCAT · 14/09/2024 20:42

Do you have any guys in the friend-zone OP? OK, not looking great for him, but many people would consider guys constantly wanting you that you keep around, as even worse.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 14/09/2024 20:57

It's her reply.....

His message was harmless looking whatever his intentions. She replied that.

It's her response. Something has happened before apart from their exes, this feels pretty recent drama in that message alone.

If I'm honest.

YerArseInParsley · 14/09/2024 23:54

Preciousprincess9 · 10/09/2024 17:31

hiiii, just wanted some other opinions on this situation…grab your cuppas because it’s a long one, so, when my husband was asleep his phone was unlocked and when this usually happens I usually lock it for him and put it beside him and carry on with whatever I was doing…I’m certainly not those type of wives that start checking the phone or whatever because my husband has never given me a reason to doubt/distrust him. Anyway, however on this occasion, when I picked up the phone to lock it, I saw that he’d started a chat with someone on his contact list, it was just a simple “hello, how you doing” but the person basically replied and it went something like this
”I thought I told you not to contact me and I’ll contact you instead…because it’ll make it hard for me to forget about you”. Naturally when I saw this I silently freaked out because it just looks so suspect but I tried to think rationally. I spoke to my husband about it and to cut a long story short, he explained that it was his ex girlfriend (even though he was very reluctant to call the woman his “ex” and kept referring to her as a “friend”) and he’d just messaged her to say hello as he remembered her seemingly out of the blue. I then told him that I wasn’t impressed because as a married man it’s not normal or appropriate to just be sat randomly remembering your exes and then going ahead and messaging them. In my opinion this shows a lack of consideration for your current partner because I believe that a lot of mistakes people make simply starts with a thought…then it leads to something else etc. I’m actually quite upset about it, and yes I know that it was just a chat and he technically didn’t write anything “incriminating” but it’s just the fact that it’s an ex…like of all people. He tried to reassure me that he doesn’t ever contact her (she lives in another continent) and it was just an out of the blue thing but I’m not buying it. Imagine if I just sat there thinking of an ex boyfriend then I message them? Like what will I be trying to achieve with that? I personally think it’s a symbol of something deeper…maybe reminiscing of past times or something? What do y’all think? Sorry long rant.

The fact she replied with
”I thought I told you not to contact me and I’ll contact you instead…because it’ll make it hard for me to forget about "

Tells me there's much more going on and it's not the first contact between them.

Christwosheds · 14/09/2024 23:58

TwinklyOrca · 10/09/2024 17:57

How long have you been together? Her response seems rather odd - why would she still struggle to forget him ? And the other part “I said I’d message you” clearly been prior conversation to this one. Very odd.

Agree with this.
To me it reads as though it’s a recent interaction, not a very historic one ?

KievLoverTwo · 15/09/2024 00:10

I have a problem with the “hey, how you doing?”

That is not how you start a conversation with someone you haven’t spoken to for seven years.

“I saw your favourite park on the Telly and it made me think about you, how are you doing?”

”I bumped into (our formal mutual friend who said he hasn’t heard from you for six years) which made me wonder how you are doing.”

”I heard your mum died. How are you doing?”

Not just “how are you doing?”. No way that makes sense just off the cuff like that after seven years.

The way she mentions being hurt again makes me think there might have been a recent fling that he broke off because he wouldn’t leave you, or she wouldn’t let him.

THEN such a casual “how you doing?” makes sense.

I am really sorry I can’t draw a kinder conclusion OP. I hope you get to the bottom of it. Don’t let him gaslight you.

YerArseInParsley · 15/09/2024 00:10

sammylady37 · 11/09/2024 06:26

Yes, I always love the elaborate and contrived back stories about how people just happened to see messages on their husbands phones, and how they definitely weren’t snooping, no siree, absolutely not snooping at all.

Show quote history

Who cares if she snooped? I don't give a sh!t if she did and I don't know why others get a bee in thru bonnet about it.

YerArseInParsley · 15/09/2024 00:12

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 22:18

She's struggling to forget him because it hasn't been 7 years

I agree, definitely hasn't been 7 years. I wonder where op got the idea from that it's an ex.

OP, have you been suspicious about your husband before you saw this text?

Thunderpants88 · 15/09/2024 00:18

I would get his phone, block her number then delete her number also. He’s not telling you a lot and they have OBVIOUSLY been in contact “I told you before I’ll contact you” and she clearly still has feelings for him. He’s deleted his previous messages. Dodgy AF

JFDIYOLO · 15/09/2024 00:33

Her reaction. That's complex.

Do you have contact details for her?

Personally I'd write her a civil message reminding her you're married, but explaining why the interaction is causing you concern, asking if he's been contacting her, pestering her, if there is unfinished business there, etc.

I'd ask him the same questions and compare answers.

And do it quickly.

I used to do investigative interviewing and that was one of our techniques for exploring credibility.

We have gut instincts for a reason. In my case, I was right.

suburberphobe · 15/09/2024 00:55

I never contact exes. It's over and is history.

Life is not about moving backwards but forwards, unless there's unfinished business.

He's not being honest with you OP. Sorry.

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 02:23

I don't understand re the phone - mine locks automatically but if it didn't not sure how I would lock it or if it matters? Why would it matter if his phone is unlocked sitting next to him while he's asleep?

sammylady37 · 15/09/2024 09:56

YerArseInParsley · 15/09/2024 00:10

Who cares if she snooped? I don't give a sh!t if she did and I don't know why others get a bee in thru bonnet about it.

Show quote history

Some people value and respect privacy, others don’t.

Greencustard · 15/09/2024 13:57

(And don’t phones generally lock themselves? It sounds to me as if you were snooping.)

Yes it's far better to remain clueless and let people do what they want, have affairs, sneak around, tell lies, cause destruction in their partners and children's lives.

AtYourOwnRisk · 15/09/2024 14:19

Greencustard · 15/09/2024 13:57

(And don’t phones generally lock themselves? It sounds to me as if you were snooping.)

Yes it's far better to remain clueless and let people do what they want, have affairs, sneak around, tell lies, cause destruction in their partners and children's lives.

Yeah, that’s definitely what’s going to happen if you don’t conduct a detailed personal surveillance survey of your spouse’s phone, email, underwear drawer etc the moment they fall asleep.🙄

Also check collars for lipstick or unfamiliar perfume, and the passenger seat of the car in case it’s been left in a position to accommodate the leggy blonde from Accounts, or put flat to allow cavorting in a lay-by.

Crunchymum · 15/09/2024 14:29

Is she an ex you were aware of?

Or is she an ex you'd never heard of until you pressed him on it?

I'm wondering if she is an ex but maybe an ex OW?

Why was he trying to pass her off as a friend? That is dodgy as Hell. He's only telling you "the truth" when he has nowhere else to go.

Her response is definitely not consistent with someone who hasn't been with your DH for at least 7 years.

Original poster
Preciousprincess9 · 15/09/2024 15:40

Thunderpants88 · 15/09/2024 00:18

I would get his phone, block her number then delete her number also. He’s not telling you a lot and they have OBVIOUSLY been in contact “I told you before I’ll contact you” and she clearly still has feelings for him. He’s deleted his previous messages. Dodgy AF

hmmm, I’m super confused atm

OP posts:
Original poster
Preciousprincess9 · 15/09/2024 15:41

suburberphobe · 15/09/2024 00:55

I never contact exes. It's over and is history.

Life is not about moving backwards but forwards, unless there's unfinished business.

He's not being honest with you OP. Sorry.

This was what was concerning me tbh

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 15/09/2024 17:50

Preciousprincess9 · 15/09/2024 15:41

This was what was concerning me tbh

Show quote history

Have you spoken to him about it since? What is your gut telling you? It really does sound like a recent fling from her response but only you know if your DH has had the opportunity

Cocomelon112233 · 15/09/2024 19:44

I get the feeling that maybe, when they originally broke up 7+ years ago they’d agreed to NC and the only way they would ever have contact again was if she instigated it.
If he hasn’t got form for being a sleeze bag, does he have form for being a bit stupid? 😂 Maybe it was genuinely innocent, something reminded him of her and he thought he’d be polite and check in without even considering how the break up happened or how it would look to anyone else.
Him deflecting to why you were checking his phone isn’t a good reaction though. I think you need the whole story of them out of him.
Similar happened to my partner with his ex before me, she’d randomly messaged him but then started drinking where he worked at the time with minimal clothing on, I wasn’t worried, she had form for being a bit trailer parky, roughly 7 children by 5 fathers etc. I think he’d shown me her messages without me knowing and we thought of it as a joke, can’t even remember her name now 😂
It could just be pure male stupidity is what I’m getting at and I do feel you deserve an explanation to his past life with her. Goodluck

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