Possible to emulate a private school education?

[Palmolivia]

We are not in a grammar area so the dc will be attending a state secondary in a couple of years.. We cannot afford private school but I'm looking for ways to emulate a private school education. Is it possible & if so ideas please?

I have experience in both sectors.

Cadets seem popular in private schools. Some have their own closed cadet section, others let pupils from specific local schools join their cadets. But you can normally find cadets in most areas that are for anyone.

It's common to learn an instrument or be involved in drama. Again you can do stage schools but also a lot if areas have an am dram club that put in a panto each year.

A proper sports club that has awards nights and opportunities to coach younger pupils. Like a cricket club.

The private school pupils are also more likely to get trips to the theatre for set texts or related to the topic and they get way better materials for art /dt and do more science experiments. Otherwise there isnt much difference.

Keep them in the top sets with tutors to keep them away from the most disruptive kids. Peers matter an awful lot and influence kids more than parents in the teen years. Facilitate friendships with well behaved aspirational kids. Drama is a must to learn to speak publicly and confidently. Send a nutritious packed lunched. The swill they serve in most state schools is appalling. Let them choose a team sport and support them even if they aren't particularly talented. Learning to work as a part of a team is really important. Scouts/cadets/Duke of Edinburgh award. Read widely with them and discuss current affairs. Encourage them to speak to adults with confidence.

It's a LOT of work and it takes conscious parenting. You need work patterns that mean you have the time to volunteer for things and drive them around to all the activities. You need to put in time facilitating relationships with other families. Ask the teachers if they need additional supplies and buy them. Volunteer to help or organise activities for the kids. Being part of a strong community matters. Volunteer to hear the little ones read. Move if you can to get into the catchment of the best school you're able to. And don't believe the bollocks that bright kids will do well anywhere. They absolutely won't and their likelihood of achieving their potential is tiny in a shit school. Some people do it but we do t make decisions based on outliers.

But the bulk of professionals send their kids to state schools. Any average mid-career professional can give talks to students. Only 7% of the population send their kids private.

@Catinavat

And don't believe the bollocks that bright kids will do well anywhere. They absolutely won't and their likelihood of achieving their potential is tiny in a shit school. Some people do it but we do t make decisions based on outliers.

Never a truer word spoken. I was a A* pupil when I started at our local crap comp. I left after five years with bugger all. That was due to the daily bullying, not just name calling, but theft and damage to my property, being kicked and punched, fag burns etc. My grades fell year by year but despite telling my form teacher and other teachers, they didn't give a toss and did nothing to protect me. I ended up truanting or "hiding" at breaks at lunchtimes to avoid them.

Once I'd escaped that hell hole, I got my qualifications by a mix of self study and evening classes, alongside a full time crap job being paid next to nothing. I'd got my A levels within 3 years of leaving the crap comp and then did my chartered accountancy exams, again a mix of self study and evening classes.

So I fully agree about the "bright kids do well anywhere" crap! Some might, most won't! They need an environment where they can learn, rather than have constant disruption or constant bullying!

Sports - a lot of state schools have these as well or they're local leagues too (athletics is a good one as local running clubs have a junior division). This really helps with confidence and discipline and doesn't need private school. Think of all the successful athletes from the state system.

Travel and culture - I went to private but learnt everything I know from my parents who took me to the theatre/concerts, introduced me to new foods, watched the news with me, dinner table conversations not stuck in front of telly. This doesn't have to be expensive but does need parental effort.

Hobbies - private coaching for whatever this might be. Music, art, coding etc

Tutors if they're struggling with the academics.

Don't shelter them too much. Doing a summer job, travelling places on their own - all this builds confidence.

Everything else evens out at uni and the workplace. If your child has a curious mind, discipline, some skills and hobbies, and understands different perspectives and ideas - they will do well in life no matter the school. On my City grad scheme 20 years ago there were plenty of kids from the state system as well as the assessment/interview process focused on team work, knowledge of the world, quick thinking and communication - which isn't on any curriculum. Private school helps with leadership, confidence, sports but honestly this is more about affluence rather than anything inherent.

Indian, Chinese, Nigerian & Eastern European kids do very well. The ones I know are motivated & there is the expectation at home that they will achieve. (Also lovely, very polite children which probably makes them easier to teach too)

As for connections, you'll make far more meaningful ones in uni and the job you do. Remember once you get to uni and the workplace you're competing with the internationals. Personally I think getting on a good grad scheme or good career track will take you much further than school connections from decades ago. Most people are headhunted or referred by people they've worked with, or went to uni with.

@Mabs49 it is very much a thing, see below. Not exactly open days, but certainly advice on what Oxford is looking for.
https://www.ox.ac.uk/oxford-for-oxford/students

As I stated in my original response to the OP. It is probably only the very TOP private schools that offer all that I suggested

@renoleno

they will do well in life no matter the school

Only if they manage to survive the crap comp and then have the options/ability to make something of themselves once they've escaped. More and more difficult now virtually the entire adult education sector has been sacrificed at the altar of 50% going to Unis! Lots of people never manage to pick themselves up and dust themselves off after the trauma of five years at a crap comp.

I don't think people realise just how bad and how toxic some comps are these days. Too much "rose tinted glasses" from people who were lucky enough to go to a decent comp themselves and can't understand just how bad some of the others really are.

I really don't believe this because the ones who let school define the rest of their life have baggage that isn't to do with the education. Mostly from their parents and families - and this would cause problems even if they went to private. I know enough classmates from my private school who went off the rails at uni or their 20s when they realised the world was harsher and more competitive than they realised. Also some people never grow out of their childhood trauma and realise as adults they have the agency and tools to make a good life.

My exH always complained that going to a state comp was the reason he wasn't successful. And thought life would be different if his wealthy parents had paid for private. Which was bollocks - as he saw private school as this golden ticket. And spent so much time fixating on that he stopped looking for opportunities.

Kids from rubbish schools might take longer to make their way in the world. But the world is a big place and if you have immigrants building lives here coming from nothing, there aren't as many barriers as people think. Not everyone will be in the top 1% or bankers/doctors/lawyers - not even the ones in private school. But you can still live a lovely comfortable life by making the most of your circumstances instead of only looking at the past.

Exactly, I remember thinking how crazily accomplished our Americans cousins kids are.. When uni & work comes, all will be competing on a global scale..

@renoleno

I really don't believe this because the ones who let school define the rest of their life have baggage that isn't to do with the education.

Again, utter crap. I don't have any "baggage" other than from the fag burns, punches, kicks, and theft/damage to my property suffered in five years of being in a crap comp.

As soon as I escaped, I could make my own way, and as I've said, self taught A levels and chartered accountancy qualifications. I have no "baggage" from family nor friends from back then. It was ALL "baggage" from bullying and assaults!

Funny how my "baggage" suddenly stopped once I left that hell hole. Funny how I've not been bullied in the workplace or in adult education or real life in the 40 years since leaving it!

With all due respect, you've not got a clue what you're talking about.

You're just playing the lazy "victim blaming" game, by turning it around to be the child's fault, or the fault of something else in their life, rather than the real culprit of a crap school and some crap teachers.

Agree, massive myth. If you have a gregarious personality or it is pre-planned then you can get in with the network at public schools. The big-hitters tend to socialise in their own circles as they get older. Private schools not so much, many ordinary families send to private school. Very hard to get a child to have the forethought to smooze, does not happen that way. I had so many to get in with famous and or influencial ppl looking back, so did dc, but didn’t. Just chose friends in our classes or fell in with them without a network plan.

My one dc that did not go private did the best academically. It was a good highly rated church school and got tutoring for gcse and A level. The private schools were fine but honestly if I had my time again, I would tutor and good catholic school for all. Would have saved a fortune too.

Opportunities to learn about classics.

Debating.

Plus the extra curriculars, as others have said. Languages in particular.

public school is not all great. The confidence difference (sometimes arrogance on top of unwarranted confidence) is big though.

Something I've heard done, admired and then shamefully never done myself is to ..Pick up the Sunday newspaper each week and find an interesting subject e.g benefits of NHS Vs private, trans people in sport , banning mobile phones in school etc and ask their opinion on it. Ask them to express their view and consider the opposite perspective. Presenting arguements is something people in private school are really good at. If they are sporty Find a sport like lacrosse, fencing etc and teach them good sportsmanship (can be learned in any sport). Did you ever read 50 shades of grey? I probably should recall the saucy bits but instead I recall Christian's mother saying every child should know a language, a musical instrument and a sport. That seems very public school to me but I thought it was good advice (albeit from a questionable source ;) )

Oh come on. You cannot believe that no other school even the private ones, don't have bullying, abuse, horrible classmates, peer pressure and mob mentality. A popular grammar school KEGS in Chelmsford that's one of the best in Essex has a whole website dedicated to victims of the sexual assault, misogyny and gay bashing that was apparently rampant at the time...I have friends who were at Rugby in the 80/90s when rape was still a method of initiation and these men are only now talking about it in therapy. There were more drug overdoses and suicide at my hothouse prep school than in DHs rough East London comp.

Being a teenager is shit in general. And a lot of people get to uni from sheltered schooling completely unprepared for the brutality and competition in the world - as horrible as your school was it's prob built a resilience and toughness in you from overcoming those challenges.

Every single school has its problems so please stop letting 5 years of your life define your adult outcomes. All teenagers struggle, you may have been a victim back then but you're not now . And if you still managed to pass your ACÁ exams you've done much better than all the kids in your school who may have gotten forced into gang culture because of who they are and where they lived. Private school wouldn't have helped them because they'd still have to go back to their estates at the end of the day.

Look at what the alternatives are. Are there any Grant Maintained/foundation schools under a 90's system for example? They tend to have built upon older foundations and have their own rules that have served them well. State boarding schools are a good example of this but you don't have to board! Examples are Cranbrook in the south and Oldswinford Hospital in the midlands. There is a middle ground but it's hard to find!

Also just to add, we toured secondary schools recently and I found that one secondary school in particular that was fully state , had the most polite, confident, articulate and happy children. It didn't have a theatre with tiered seating or an engineering lab but it really brought out the best in its pupils. In our area it was a school that had previously been in special measures, and not highly regarded but has recently been given outstanding.

So do look around your area. I know catchments play a huge part but you'll also find schools under new leadership doing great things

You can get better quality extra curriculars if you have time to sort them yourselves.

Put time and effort into the extra curriculars, music wise get a private teacher who works well for your child, join local ensembles if there are any, if not there are occasional things like Benedetti Sessions for strings.

Sport wise, join local clubs and get involved in competitions.

Encourage reading, interest in current affairs and history.

Connections from anywhere other than the big name boys' schools and possibly St Paul's/City of London school for girls are minimal. I was privately educated and have way more "connections" from my sport (fencing) than my school.

I agree with @anxioussister - I was the scolarship child at private secondary & sixth form: although I learned sports, musical instruments and Latin, these haven't particularly contributed to success (more a happy life where I understand the basis of language, medical and botanical names, and can join a choir or take up a new activity easily as my brain-body connections are strong)
.
What worked much better for me were:

• exposure to different middle class families (I often went to stay for the weekend). Their discussions and cultural exposure, habits and table manners. This meant that when I started to travel and entertain for work I was comfortable across cultures and cuisines, so never felt 'out of place'.
• drama and debating: I was very shy at home, and not allowed to have an opinion, so would have been terrible in the workplace without learning the ability to speak clearly, make a point concisel, and be able to understand, summarise and counter different points of view.

I would also do something like DofE that effectively structures "accomplishments" for want of a more modern word...

Find a sport that fits the kids' niche, probably not football but something like badminton, fencing (although most connections from that will be geeks, massive overrepresentation of left handed science geeks in that sport) or something else that appeals, local netball/basketball teams etc.

Music wise local brass band often offers cheap tuition and great opportunities if you're in an ex mining area and there are limited orchestra type options.

I'm sorry but is this post a joke? How is staying where you and taking on extras setting your child up for "social isolation" but moving to a different country and sending your child to the local school with Barely any English speakers a good idea??

This discussion is making me feel uneasy. It's so formulaic and contrived, lacking originality. No great minds have emerged from this kind of parenting.

It is also incredibly dated at least think of something unique. Yes, encourage and support your DC but trying to emulate a private education is odd. I would have hated it if my DM came up with this plan for me.

I went to private school and we did no extra curriculars. The lunch time break was slightly extended to allow a little extra time but there was nothing on offer after school.

Having been to both state and private , the biggest differences were that private school was more nurturing and the teachers had a much easier job because students just behaved well.
No time was wasted on behaviour management.

I went to a private secondary school and then one of the top grammar schools in the country for sixth form. I also did a lot of social mobility / widening participation stuff when it came to helping less privileged school children access higher education in top unis.

Here is my take:

• the whole "connections at private school" thing is a myth. We were fortunate to have many famous guest speakers attend our school, and yes you had very well to do parents, but no meaningful connections to be made. I don't know anyone who benefited much from them later on. Possibly my sixth form had connections with the Oxford admissions team, because everyone seemed to get in. But beyond that, nothing.

• what did help was being surrounded by kids who were also ambitious. You are the product of the 5 people closest to you (something like that!) that did help me to aspire for more

• there are lots of interesting extracurriculars yes, but no reason why you couldn't offer the same via a local club

• tutors for harder subjects, would help a lot. I had tutors. It helped.

• but at the end of the day, I dont know one employer who is going to care one jot about when your kid played the for school lacrosse team, was head boy, or reached grade 8 cello. I think the preference will be more self started projects driven by genuine interest and curiosity. Also real world, job experience.

• I have two daughters not yet in primary school, and I'm not sure I would push for private school with decent state options.