Splitting finances on maternity leave

[ana32]

Partner & I are struggling to agree on how to split our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave and interested to see how others would. Would like to have a large chunk of debt paid off by the time my pay drops to zero.

Background:

Been with DP for 18 months, not married. I'm 4 months pregnant. DP has a child from a previous relationship. DP has bought a home through a shared ownership scheme, I moved in with him. I earn 26k p.a. DP earns 45k p.a.

I'm employed but will not be eligible for SMP due to dates, should be eligible for MA which will amount to around £740 a month. I currently pay towards the rent & living costs (but not mortgage) in proportion to what I earn, works out at around 40/60 split. I have little outgoings, £50 debt repayment, £30 phone bill but nothing large like car insurance or finance.

DP has around 21k in credit card debt, but under control, and pays towards this each month. He also pays child maintenance in the region of £350 a month. Also has a car on finance, large commuting costs due to fuel. He is also a guarantor for his exes rented flat.

Neither of us have savings.

DP is proposing that we use the MA I will receive, to pay off a chunk of the credit card debts each month. Ideally 7k over the 9 months I'll receive it. Then use his money for day to day spending, rent, mortgage, utilities, food etc. His reasoning is that I will not be contributing to the rent so this is fair?

I think that we need to either pool money, or work out contributions proportional to our earnings so that we are left with a similar amount of money to use as needed. DP disagrees as he is the higher earner, have had to remind him I will be dropping down to a third of my earnings by staying at home.

How would you suggest splitting this so it is fair?

Thinking about this, he might be lying to you. You can’t pay off enough on 21,000 of debt to cut down your repayments in 7 or 12 months to enough that you can live off on one salary? And you won’t have that money, it will be gone and he will have the only income and all the control.

Do not get married, you have not known your partner long enough, large debt is one red flag. It is well known that having children completely changes a relationship so hopefully it will be a positive change but wait and see. I don’t think you should pool money, my daughter did this with her ex and he tracked her spending even questioning buying ice lollies for her daughter.(She earned significantly more than him) Then reversed it so they had a household pot and a joint fun pot, he didn’t like it but tough.
Pay a fixed amount in contributions to household. Save as much as you can before your maternity leave try and always have a pot of your own money for any future “problems” money=options. Personally I’d go back to work too.
No where have you mentioned the cost of having your child, your partner pays £350pm for previous child what about your child?
I wish you all the best going forward.

All income goes into a joint account, all bills, including debt repayment, child and work related costs come out of it. With what is left, agree what can go into joint savings and what can be split so you both have equal spending money each month.
Doubt he'll agree to anything fair though as he is not someone you should be having a child with.

Good advice. You are not married so have no protection for you and baby. Point this out to him. You should not use you limited bit of income to pay off his debt. He should be paying it off himself. It's a red flag he has run up this huge debt. Go back to work full time to contribute towards your pension and he must contribute half towards nursery fees because it's his baby too. Once your baby is born I believe he will be able to pay a little less in maintenance for his first DC. Check child support calculator.

If he pays minimum amount it will take forever to clear. He might need to get a second job to repay it quicker. A couple of shifts behind a bar each week would soon make the debt come down. He should do this now before baby born.

How long do you want to take off work? You should be deciding this not him.

Totally this.

It was a bad idea to get pregnant with this man. Don't make it worse by making yourself financially vulnerable.

Your focus should be on remaining independent and not pooling your finances in any way. Make sure he pays maintenance - this ought to be his priority debt.

You may want to rethink the entire relationship. It doesnt bode well if a man accumulates such a huge debt (and what does he have to show for it?), without a focused plan to pay it off.

Remember that financial incompatibility is a leading cause of relationship breakdown and divorce.

This. I can't how many men want everything in their favour and don't care how impoverished their partners will be left. Very selfish behaviour. Tell him no.

I would be finding a way to live independently-this man does not sound a keeper.

I was thinking the same thing - the OP doesn't really say if she wants the extra time off work, it seems to be all about her DP wanting to avoid nursery fees

kindly, you have put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position, and your boyfriend is already demonstrating that he can’t be trusted to put you and his baby’s needs before his own. Planning to stay at home with your baby in this situation would be reckless, as he doesn’t seem to care very much about either of you, and your financial security is entirely in his hands.
take care.

His debt, his responsibility to pay it off.

It's really hard to advise you because he seems to be both selfish (or at the very least thoughtless) and financially irresponsible. You don't necessarily want to marry him and his debts(!) Yet I presume he has other qualities, you love him and want to be with him etc

But as it stands, you are unmarried and despite having a child together this means that your relationship is, legally speaking, a casual one in which money you give to him for his mortgage or to service his debt is basically a gift and cannot be recouped in the event of a separation - which is at least as likely as you guys staying together long term.

I would suggest that as you are taking a financial hit (maternity leave) he should accommodate you and your shared child for free and you should save all of your income for yourself. Honestly if he's unwilling to do that I think you should seek alternative accomodation and pursue child maintenance payments from him as his contribution instead.

If he is serious about your relationship then he needs to sort out his own debt, address the factors that have caused him to get into debt, and then get married before having any more children.

Otherwise you would be better off finding a financially responsible man willing to marry you even if they are not your child's father(!).

To be an unmarried SAHM leaves you immensely financially vulnerable - it requires incredible trust and I don't think he has earned that.

Tell him since you will now become a joint family with a child. You want to do this.
Open a joint account.
Both get £200 into your own accounts.
All bills will be paid from the main .
On the day before next payday you will both decide how much extra to pay of the credit card debt from the balance remaining.
You will benefit from this by reducing his credit card outgoing once you stop work as it will also give you money to have once you stop working.
Also his credit card needs to be left at home, as it the becomes emergency use only.

This!

Do not pay off his debt and do not let him convince you that it is a shared debt.

You need to bank every bit you can as a safety net.

Do not become dependent on him and do not entangle your finances. Get back to work ASAP.

Not only kids to pay for, but that huge credit card debt and the liability of being guarantor on his relative's housing.

On a moderate salary.

He can't really afford all of this. Do not give him control over your money too.

Back in the day, men would get a second job if need be, to pay debts and get ahead. Now they cadge off their girlfriends.

No!!

I agree we need to plough more money into the debt repayment
No
No
No
and for the absolute avoidance of doubt - NO

You barely know this man and you're being asked and look as if you agree that you should contribute to his debt repayment - NO.

Your MA is to cover YOUR & the baby's costs whilst you are on maternity leave. Not to pay off someone else's debt.

Use the MA money to continue as you are - contributing to the rent and daily living costs only.

Guard that financial independence to the hilt
Get him down to the Citizen's Advice to look at his debts
And start getting your head around the fact you may need to return to work sooner than you would like.

Tip - his reaction when you tell him you will not be contributing to his debt will give you an excellent clue on the viability of this relationship.

Well said, @DPotter

I suspect that based on his first go-round of fatherhood, he's aware of his impending liability for half of nursery fees and frantically figuring out how to dodge that.

Installing OP as a dependent SAHP is, in his view, cheaper. He doesn't care about the extreme disadvantages to her.

I agree with both these posters.

Also, I'd missed this:

Not only kids to pay for, but that huge credit card debt and the liability of being guarantor on his relative's housing

This man has financial irresponsibility and disaster written all over him!

What a cheeky bastard asking you to pay off his debt. So much good advice on this thread though.

DP has around 21k in credit card debt, but under control, and pays towards this each month. He also pays child maintenance in the region of £350 a month. Also has a car on finance, large commuting costs due to fuel. He is also a guarantor for his exes rented flat.

We're all focussing on the credit card debt - but there's also car finance (which I'm sure he'll consider a family cost - despite the car being unavailable to OP)

The man is up to his eyeballs in debt and commitments - DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY - you are going to need it yourself.

Together 18 month and he wants you to pay his debt off, he's having a laugh isn't it.

Don't do it.

Some good advise on here

It will also be reduced because as soon as a man moves in with another woman with children, the child support reduces even more.

That’s why so many men move straight in with a single mum - she will parent his children for him when he has them to stay and also it saves him money.

Tell him you want to get married or civil partnership before the baby is born. His reaction will tell you if he's in this for keeps. If not, don't give up one tune big of independence, get back to work ASAP after baby is born and make sure he pays half the childcare.