Splitting finances on maternity leave

[ana32]

Partner & I are struggling to agree on how to split our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave and interested to see how others would. Would like to have a large chunk of debt paid off by the time my pay drops to zero.

Background:

Been with DP for 18 months, not married. I'm 4 months pregnant. DP has a child from a previous relationship. DP has bought a home through a shared ownership scheme, I moved in with him. I earn 26k p.a. DP earns 45k p.a.

I'm employed but will not be eligible for SMP due to dates, should be eligible for MA which will amount to around £740 a month. I currently pay towards the rent & living costs (but not mortgage) in proportion to what I earn, works out at around 40/60 split. I have little outgoings, £50 debt repayment, £30 phone bill but nothing large like car insurance or finance.

DP has around 21k in credit card debt, but under control, and pays towards this each month. He also pays child maintenance in the region of £350 a month. Also has a car on finance, large commuting costs due to fuel. He is also a guarantor for his exes rented flat.

Neither of us have savings.

DP is proposing that we use the MA I will receive, to pay off a chunk of the credit card debts each month. Ideally 7k over the 9 months I'll receive it. Then use his money for day to day spending, rent, mortgage, utilities, food etc. His reasoning is that I will not be contributing to the rent so this is fair?

I think that we need to either pool money, or work out contributions proportional to our earnings so that we are left with a similar amount of money to use as needed. DP disagrees as he is the higher earner, have had to remind him I will be dropping down to a third of my earnings by staying at home.

How would you suggest splitting this so it is fair?

I can't help connecting this thread to this other, really really sad thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5158175-sahp-money-issues?reply=138080368

Don't get into that situation, @ana32 You're in danger of your partner exerting control via money, and becoming a victim of financial abuse.

Don't become a stay at home girlfriend. If you do, make sure he contributes to your pension and savings that is exclusively yours.

As for how to split it. You pool your finances for maternity leave. You budget how much your joint money will go towards his debt. Then you decide on fun money and he can use his towards paying the dept.

Just because you are a couple you are not responsible for each others debt.

Do not channel your income into paying debt that he accrued on his own. Especially when he is guarantor on his ex partners flat. It's very messy.

He is putting a roof over your head because you're carrying the baby both of you made.

Trust me, when I was young I thought I was being loving and part of a couple when I helped to pay off my ex husband's debt before we got married. If I hadn't been so stupid and starry eyed, I could have put that towards buying myself a flat.

That £500 he is after, you can put that towards extending your mat leave if you like. No need to go round the houses paying off his debt to achieve it.

Echoing everyone else’s good advice. You’ve been with this guy 18months and you’re prepared to give Up your money, your pension contributions, and your future earning potential by becoming a SAHM.

Tou have no option but to go back to work. Quite frankly with this set of circumstances I’d even be reconsidering the pregnancy. It’s quite clear that if you ever split any maintenance would be limited. 45k isn’t a huge salary, and with 2 kids for him to pay for…

Echoing everyone here.
Don't get bamboozled.
Don't pay off his debt and don't put yourself in a position where he has all the financial control - however much you trust him.
Make sure you go back to work and he pays his fair share of the childcare costs.

I would be getting back to work as soon as possible in your circumstances. You don't have a high income as a family, and he is already paying for a child from a previous relationship. Plus it's a very new relationship. You are very vulnerable, think carefully how you want to proceed.

Please don't agree to this.

He should be stepping up to help cover the shortfall while you're on maternity leave, not taking money from you directly to pay a debt that you're not responsible for.

Bare minimum, your 60/40 splits of the household expenses should be recalculated so they're proportional to the new income. But even that would be tight when your income is reduced so dramatically. And you'd have to be certain that new calculation factored in ALL the new expenses for the baby being part of the new household expense total (ie you're not having to use your own £3 here for playgroup or £5 there for having to buy emergency supplies while out and about).

Ideally, you need to get married and share all finances completely. One joint account for all the household expenses and "fun money" to individual accounts to cover personal expenses (and his debt and child support would come out of that, baby expenses would NOT come out of either). It's the only way you're truly protected. If he doesn't love and trust you enough to share his money with you at a time you're in need, he shouldn't be having a baby with you.

Also, you say "it doesn't make sense for me to have savings while he's paying interest on a debt". Please stop framing it like this to yourself! You're treating yourself as one financial entity ("the negatives of debt cancel out the positives of saving") whereas he is treating you completely the opposite.

If you had completely shared finances and legal status in place, you're right that it wouldn't make sense for you to save and him to pay interest on debt.

But he explicitly doesn't want to share finances with you and is doing everything he can to make you financially worse off and himself better.

You should be contributing less, not more while on ML

This is the fairest way and worth reading this post carefully even if you don't come back to the thread

otherwise you'll join the army of women who sleepwalk into financial abuse

There's a thread on here by a SAHM who's husband refuses to share any financial details with her, gives her a tiny amount 'allowance' meaning she has no money for herself and he won't contribute to childcare so she can go back to work. It's a real eye opener to how this sort of stuff can go wrong.

STD

Sexually
Transmitted
Debt

Don't let yourself catch it @ana32

So you've got no rights to any of the assets he's accrued prior to your relationship (the house), but funnily enough he wants you to feel responsible for the debts he incurred before you met?

His suggestion is absolutely shocking and he is either hopelessly naive and a bit thick or is deliberately exploiting your vulnerable position.

Do not become financially dependent on this man in any circumstances.

We have always had a joint bank account which both our salaries are paid into. We then each take £300 a month out for fun.
when you have children, it’s not just the time you are out of work that impacts you- it’s the knock on impact of being out of work, missing out on promotions etc. Your pension is reduced. Also not making your NI contributions (make sure you’re the one to get child benefit because this means the your NI tops up if you end up not going back).
BUT this is why we entered into the financial contact of marriage. I would not have children with anyone without full and equal access to their finances. You make a huge sacrifice as a woman.
whatever you do, do not put yourself into a position where you are paid an allowance by a man. You will be extremely financially vulnerable. I would not be paying off his debt outside of a marriage contract.

Yes, I linked it upthread. It really is an eye opener & so sad.

He wants to use your tiny MA as an income stream to pay off his debts!

Absolutely not. Stop with the talk of having more time off work-that is not a good thing to do when you are not married, you will open yourself to long-term financial abuse.

Frankly, he sounds horrible. Go back to work asap and keep your independence.

Does a man who has 21k debt and 45k earnings sound like he can support two families?

Nope. He wants you to essentially substitute for the fact that he "loses" £350pm in CS.

Because he pays this woeful £350 contribution, I assume he thinks that's all a child costs, so of course you can live on £160 as a pair with no rent!

Please do not give up your job. I am unmarried have two children. We have joint ownership of house.
my partner pays all the bills and puts money into joint account. We share food costs. I pay for clothes, car insurance etc, kids stuff unless I don’t have enough then I take money out of joint account.
this allows my money to be mine and I can save/put money into pension. I have taken a hit financially career wise as I work part time and also pension.
If we stay together he will benefit from the savings/pension etc if we don’t I have some security.

You shouldn’t be paying for his debt and he should be supporting you financially as you are having his child.

You can quite easily become homeless so please take measures.
he may say you don’t trust him etc (but what if he dies? You will be left with nothing) but having financial security means you can feel safe and secure and you can put your all into the relationship, your baby and your future together.

On mat leave you should be contributing less to the household costs. And any reduction in personal money should be equal.

If you both agree to prioritise his debts that is fair enough, but you should manage the household budget given you are doing much better on 26k than he is on £45k.

Sit down add up income and expenditure and agree an amount per month to pay to debts, and have an equal amount of fun money. Make sure baby clothes and food are accounted for in household budget.

Realistically your income is going to decrease, paying extra to credit card at that point is not likely to be managable. Is he paying off as much as possible currently?

Definitely do not allow him to manage the money alone.

Your DP is deluded! You didn’t run up that debt so don’t pay it off. You need a joint account for bills which you pay into ideally. However, I think you’ve got bigger problems as you sound more like flatmates than anything.

I think your dh is underestimating the money you will need for you and your lo to have a pleasant and enriching first nine months. Of course people do get by without money if they have to but ideally you’ll have as much money as you need for bus fares and hot drinks out and about and a few baby classes. Definitely for bits and bobs like baby clothes, slings etc that make life easier and for new clothes for you as your body changes shape.
You need to have AT LEAST equal spends if you’re covering all this from yours.

I would be giving him as little as possible and retaining and saving whatever you can.
But I also wouldn’t have a baby with someone who had run up 50% of their annual salary as debt (sorry but it’s true 😬) that level of debt is terrifying to me.

i would want him to cover accommodation food and bills in full.
You are going to very financially disadvantaged in general on top… he gets £600 disposable you get under £200 if I read right??? 😵‍💫

And there is NO way I would pay his debt you would be crazy to.

this is also a nice big red flag
He'd like to use the money to pay the debt off with the view of me not having to return to work after 9 months.

unmarried you’d be very very foolish to do this. And married I’d proceed with extreme caution

Ok so you are about to make one of the biggest financial mistakes of your life. Stop and rethink this.

Your partner's debt is his debt and his alone. Do not use the money you will be paid to support yourself during materniy leave to pay off his personal debt. That would be utter madness.

Secondly DO NOT give up work.

You both need to sit done and work this out, what's done is done but you do not sound in the best financial position for a baby - no company maternity pay or savings, existing financial commitments to his children and significant CC debt.

You need to sit down and budget properly. Why does he suddenly think a time of reduced household income and increased expense is suddently the best time to pay down his debt? Why has he not done it before?

Use the money you have to contribute towards food/bills. He can pay extra off his debts to get rid of them quicker.

Make sure you keep some money back for yourself, because if the house is his you have nothing to fall back on if the relationship fails beyond any savings you have.

The more I think about it the more I actually want to suggest you DON'T get married AND you return to work full time at the end of maternity leave.

This is not a good guy to be suggesting all of this to you and you need to be planning for a future where you split when the baby is under 5.

You don't want to be financially tied to this man and become responsible for his debts.