How people talk about only children

[oneandonlygreg]

I work with children. There's one child that is an only child, and they're also a bit of a handful at times. Nothing awful, they're very sweet, but just quite intense.
What I find most upsetting is how people attribute every negative quality of this child to them being an only child.
Today I've heard "when you realise they're an only child, it all makes sense" and "they've spent all summer with no one to talk to, so they've come back and taken it out on xx" and "their parents try really hard to make up for the fact they're an only child, so that's why they're like this".
It's not just this situation, I've noticed a trend.
I worry for my child as I have been told I can't have any more children. Why do people treat only children like they're some kind of alien. There are other children I've encountered who are much worse behaved that have siblings.
Has anyone else noticed this?

Yes it's awful but it's also absolute bollox. Susan Newman has done a lot of research in this area and only children are similar to the oldest child in terms of outcomes. They are generally happy and successful. Well worth a read of her books.

Completely anecdotal of course but I always find only children far better behaved than my own feral children.

Yes, my DS never saw another child when he wasn't at school 🙄

How people talk about only children continues into adulthood.

You see some bizarre opinions about only children on here all the time, as if we’re all one homogenous group who have all experienced exactly the same life growing up.

Like people with siblings, we’ve all had different experiences and upbringings.

YANBU, OP - it’s depressing and infuriating. And be warned, people will almost certainly turn up on this thread soon and trot out the same stereotypes.

For what it’s worth, my only DD is kind, empathetic, thoughtful and not in the least spoilt. As I’m sure this other child and your own aren’t either.

People make really stupid comments.

Mother of an only child. If you hear anyone make a rude comment like that just play them,like really play it up.. "I know, I feel so guilty every day that I can't have more kids. I would have loved for them to have a brother or sister." That usually shuts them up.

People say stupid stuff all the time. Only children seem to be a particular prompt for stupidity.

My MIL, when DH and I told her we were expecting a baby, brightly said ‘An only is a lonely!’ Not ‘Congratulations’ , or ‘I’m pleased for you!’

She seems curiously immune to considering that having three under four before her 21st birthday, when DH’s dad only had a few cash in hand casual jobs and they were living in two damp rooms over a shop, was not, perhaps, ideal.

Yeah people spout these lazy stereotypes all the time. To be honest I think I maybe said it when I was young and childless and I can't really explain why. It's just ingrained sadly I think.
I have one DS and I've had so, so many horrible things said to me about how his only child status by close family, friends, workmates and just general strangers. As someone said previously, there'll be someone along on this thread soon to spout some more rubbish about how 'all' only children are selfish, lonely and badly behaved. Like no one with a sibling has ever exhibited these traits!

My DH is an only child and on the whole is perfectly normal but he can't get his head around or grandchildren bunking down together if they were all staying with us

If you can find a copy of New Scientist from the week of the 10th August there is an excellent article which basically says it's all hearsay and bollocks, that only kids are the same as other kids but sadly people still stick with their stupid prejudices regardless. I say this as an only and the mother of an only. Your child will be fine. Plus I've not seen any negative behaviour towards my child because they're an only. To be honest in general situations it doesn't come up. How is someone to know unless they're told.

Yep. Heard it all growing up as an only. Along with (single parent house so there was only the 2 of us) stuff like 'you can't have a proper Christmas without a family' 'you aren't a family, just 2 people' etc

That’s obviously completely wrong and bs but there’s a huge amount of hypocrisy on here re.this.
A recent thread regarding only children and negative comments like you mentioned then descended into loads of negative comments about families of multiples by parents of only children!!
”I can give my child way more attention and resources and opportunities blah blah”
I think they can and I also think parents of multiples can do the same🤷‍♀️ It’s way more dependent on income and support etc.
My dh and I regularly swap and give lots of one-to-one to each of our kids. It’s actually the same with all the parents I know. We work really hard and my dcs have motivated me to go back and develop my career so they all have loads of opportunities, we travel etc etc .
There’s frequent comments about parents of multiples “not being able to give their children the same opportunities “. “Looks like chaos with more than one “ “everyone I know hates their siblings now they are older” the latter I have very rarely come across in real life tbh . All made to make parents of multiples feel like crap.
These are all as shitty comments as the ones you are hearing and also wrong. It’s totally ridiculous to talk about only children in general terms but it’s the same for children who have siblings.

I don't know why but I have a bit of an issue with the term "only child", I have always said I have 1 child when anybody has asked. "Only" seems to be seen as not quite good enough....

"I've only got a minute"
"I've only got decaf"
"I'm only nipping to the corner shop"

Yeah it's pathetic. I'm an only child.
Afraid it continues throughout adulthood too.

Ha ha! Well done

YANBU, I had a teacher attribute something to mine being an only (not misbehaviour as such, a difficulty) I felt bad as I felt it was possibly true about not being so willing to compromise etc but then her friend who is not an only did the exact same thing! So now I put it down to personality/age.

I would also point out that many eldest children were raised as “onlies” for a time being, so it’s not surprising that they are similar.

It's actually fascinating. I'm 53 and sometimes say I'm an only child, sometimes talk about my sibling (he died young so I'm not lying in either scenario and I don't always want to talk about his death to strangers) and people DO act differently towards me depending on what they think they know. It's a sort of expectation that I'm going to be a bit bossy and out there. Subtle but it's there.

Meh. My DS is an only too and as a pp said, it's not like I kept him locked in the cupboard every summer.

DS’ preschool teacher attributed his not sharing to being an only child but attributed his reading and writing skill to her teaching. Lol I had to remind her that I taught him how to read and write and that’s when I was dismissed as a ‘pushy parent’.

It’s just awful how he’s treated. He has a tendancy to gravitate to kids with siblings but unless there’s a massive age gap he rarely gets commitment for playdates as these parents prefer playdates with kids with siblings.

There’s also the belief that because I have only one I could never possibly be able to manage after more than one - yet being the infertile sister / friend I have always had extensive childcare responsibilities.

I can’t wait until the kids are old enough to manage their own social lives.

I have never encountered this in the real world. I think it’s internet hysteria

Yes, you’re right.

It feels particularly mad now that having one child is increasingly common. DS (my one child!) just started secondary school, and they were doing ‘getting to know you’ questionnaires for a language class, where they had to go around collecting facts about their new classmates (find out who has brothers/sisters, find out who was born in another country, who has a pet etc) and I think he counted eight children without siblings in his class of 30 kids.

I hated being an only child as a child and in my 20s and did feel some of the comments were barbed. However in my 60s I don't give a flying. My life has been fulfilling, happy and successful despite being an only. Also as I have got older I have found many many people with siblings to be spoilt, unkind and certainly far more manipulative than only children. I do think I missed out a bit on rough and tumble though.

My parents were also both only children so I have no cousins or aunts or uncles either. That is why I wanted more than one child. So mine had each other when DH and I are gone.

I'm not sure I've ever really met a poorly behaved only child as long as they have had attentive and engaged parents.

DDs an only and was basically born in her 30s, very mature and sensible - she actually cannot stand squealing children or misbehaviour of any kind (which is probably due to her being an only) but she is very happy, good at sports, art, academic etc has high aspirations, always a good role model, that annoying child that always played Mary, got all the good opportunities etc because she could be relied upon to deliver on the day.

This is interesting, I think i was similar and now as a mother to siblings I simply cannot bear their shrieking and how loud our home is. It's the hardest bit by far for me