How people talk about only children

[oneandonlygreg]

I work with children. There's one child that is an only child, and they're also a bit of a handful at times. Nothing awful, they're very sweet, but just quite intense.
What I find most upsetting is how people attribute every negative quality of this child to them being an only child.
Today I've heard "when you realise they're an only child, it all makes sense" and "they've spent all summer with no one to talk to, so they've come back and taken it out on xx" and "their parents try really hard to make up for the fact they're an only child, so that's why they're like this".
It's not just this situation, I've noticed a trend.
I worry for my child as I have been told I can't have any more children. Why do people treat only children like they're some kind of alien. There are other children I've encountered who are much worse behaved that have siblings.
Has anyone else noticed this?

I can assure you it isn’t. I’ve never had it from actual friends/family (with the exception of my MIL who is as mad as a plant and tactless to boot), but lots of times at social gatherings with neighbours/neighbours’ friends.

I tended to find it mildly hilarious, mostly, especially as the same type of person had been gobsmacked that I was childfree by choice a couple of years earlier. I had DS just before I turned 40, and the comments pretty much changed over night to ‘An only is a lonely! You’d better get on with your second!’ And when I said I wasn’t having another child, then I got that nonsense about it being ‘selfish’ and only children being weird/selfish/Little Emperors unable to share/socialise etc etc.

Actually, I tell a lie. An actual friend of mine a couple of years ago said, quoting a friend, ‘you should either have none or more than one’.

I had this a lot as a kid but hardly any as an adult except one memorable incident. A work colleague was criticising another colleague and said 'he's a typical only child' and I said 'so am I' so they hastily back tracked. Then they said 'he's a typical barracks brat' (forces child) and I said 'so am I'. The stereotypes 🤣🤣

I don't know. I always think there is some truth in these kind of stereotypes. It's like when they say that the eldest, middle or youngest tends to have certain traits. It'll never be true for everyone but we are inevitably a product of our environment and upbringing and this is influenced hugely be where you are in the sibling pecking order or if you have any siblings at all.

Anecdotally I can often identify a certain type of only child quite easily. These are the ones that tend to be compliant, seemingly mature and are incorporated into adult in a way that more than one child couldn't be. These kids are often quite sensitive and don't really get involved in mischief and silliness in the same way as other kids.

It’s called confirmation bias.

Hate this.

I am an only to a massively hard working single mum. Wasn’t spoilt, there was no money to be spoilt and little time - learned to value and cherish family time at weekends.

Best friend has an only. Her ex would smack her around and then ditched her when her child was 1. She now has a lovely new man but they decided not to have any together as her kid was almost a teen and she considered he had been let down enough. He is a lovely caring boy.

Know plenty with siblings where it’s a different story. Each case is different.

People commenting like that are making a snap judgement on one snippet of information. They are talking for the sake of talking. Had you said they were one of 5 children they might have replied "no attention due to all the siblings" which is equally ridiculous.

Try to see huge generalisations about only children as a problem with the person speaking and nothing like the reality of only child. Chances are if you dig a little deeper they will know many perfectly happy/lovely only children. But i wouldn't waste any energy bothering.

The thing about parenting is that whatever you do, even if you have no choice in the matter you will get judged. I have 5 and I am constantly being told that my 18 year old ds1 must be raising his siblings (for the record, he has never even babysat for them). He has always looked out for 16 year old ds2 at school/college but that was completely his choice.

'So mine had each other when DH and I are gone'
Wondered how long it would take for this to be said on this thread. It's like every single advantage of being an only child is trumped by the idea of them being on their own when the parents die.
My DH, son and my friends will be my comfort when my DM dies and not my alcoholic, unhinged sister that's for sure!

Your second paragraph describes me perfectly in childhood, except I was the eldest of five, and I was ‘incorporated into adulthood’ because my parents couldn’t cope with the world, and struggled with literacy, so I was parenting the younger ones and worrying about bills rather than being mischievous.

I hate this line of thinking too.

My DH's brother died when he was in his early 30s - their mum outlived him by quite a while! When she was gone he had (has) me and our DC and also my parents and all our friends for support.

People aren't an island without anyone but parents. As an only child, I have some friends who are my absolute rock and who will definitely be there for me when facing grief.

Also my mum and her sister barely speak now - and one of the things that drove a rift between them was the handling of my grandma's illness and eventual death. I'm actually really glad I don't have to negotiate with anyone when the time comes.

I think it’s who you hang round with/talk to. I’ve an only and she’s 14 but I don’t hang round with thick people so no one has ever commented to my face. And if it’s behind my back why would I care.

Absolute bollocks and a total generalisation.

I also think of families who want more children but can't have them for various reasons, such ignorant comments must hurt even more.

It isn't that.

I have two professional degrees and mostly work with Oxbridge grads and above in terms of "intelligence" and I've had it said to me countless times in a workplace setting over the last two decades.

Yup. My mum. It brought her to tears when I was a child - and I saw that. And it left me feeling like I wasn't enough too.

The people who say these things have no idea of the damage they do.

I'm sorry to hear that. Your example only goes to show how needless (and damaging) these comments are.

Horrible woman said to me recently 'Shame you only having one child'. Joke is only children have all their parents' attention, have been language skills, have a better awareness of self protection (they don't have anyone else to fall back on), are more discerning in their choice of friends and situations, again from being able to make better choices, tend not to get so involved in needing other people because they have had to survive on their own, may be introverted, benefit from parents' good fortune and not having to share with numerous siblings, may be more willing to compromise in a marriage and thus get a better deal. etc, etc. How do I know because I am one, have one, and am married to one! We are all happy, well adjusted and successful and yes, virtue signalling!

As a parent to an only, I haven't really heard any of this IRL. I know quite a few other onlies though, so perhaps that's why?

To an extent, there might some common patterns in behaviour that occur, as can also happen with birth order. I think people can make unpleasant sweeping statements about that too (oldest - bossy, middle - neglected/feral, youngest - spoilt/immature).

This comes up daily. Have as many or as few kids as you want. People have got too much to say about people's reproduction choices. It's my vagina and I don't want to push a baby out of it again. For the record my dh and my.2 best friends dh are only children all 3 say they've never given it a 2nd thought

I've had experience of this too and it's so frustrating. How many children may impact your experience of parenting your child, but my experience is less children has been a positive. I know I'm a more patient, resilient and available parent because I have one child.

I also was reading the thread waiting for the - not leaving them alone when I die bingo card moment. I have a DB who I get on very well with and is a great uncle to my DD, however, when my parents die it won't be him that I go to for support it will be my DH and my friends who are my chosen family.

I have one child. I've never had any negative comments only positive. Two of my friends say I'm sensible for having one, especially when they're breaking up multiple fights a day and kids vying for attention.

My dd probably aligns with some of the 'stereotypes' though as she's mature, sensible, sensitive and confident. She's also always been sociable, great at sharing and very well behaved though.

I think these comments will start dying out as more and more people stop at one child. I have two kids, but where I live in London it's much more common for people to have one child, whether due to finances, wanting to offer their child more, career commitments, relationship breakdown etc. When I was young, it was quite uncommon to encounter a child with no siblings. It was notable and unusual. Now, it seems like half of my child's class don't have a sibling.

There are good and bad points to any number of kids. On the whole, the "only children" I know are well-rounded, engaged, curious, well behaved, sociable, and have all their parents love and attention. I admit to feeling completely out of my depth sometimes when I see my friends with their one child quietly engaged in something like chess or reading, while I'm trying desperately to stop my two bouncing off each other, play fighting and generally causing mayhem 🤦‍♀️ When I'm out with just my eldest child, it's a completely different, calmer experience!

I am an only and wanted a big family. I had a rose coloured spectacles idea that they would all love each other and get on all the time. Of course they didn't. 2 of theen are having them laterm have fallen out at the moment, which upsets me. I know plenty of people with siblings who either hate them, or just have nothing in common with them. I think there are more only children now because of the cost of raising them, and the fact that women are having them later.

Sorry missed a bit out there. Or it got moved. I meant 2 of them have fallen out, and women are giving birth later

I do think this stereotype is becoming less of a thing though where it's becoming a lot more 'normal' to have only 1 child. I guess years ago it was very uncommon to only have 1 child and assumed there was something wrong medically or the mother had become a single parent so people took a lot of interest in these children because the situation was thought to be different?

Please see @LeontineFrance to back up what I said , the same could absolutely be said of those with siblings!! That’s the whole point of this thread, people making tired stereotypes re. only children. Also works the other way ffs