I'm absolutely fucking fuming with an aunt of mine

[Mynameisspiral]

I used to like her but she has completely avoided my mother for about two years. She doesn't visit my mother, never texts or calls or sends cards. I thought they got on well but there's been nothing more but silence from her for a few years from her.

My mother is in her early 70s and I see stuff that's not quite right with her any more and I think she has dementia but I don't have a diagnosis. All of this is my suspicions so far. My mother works is so small now and her siblings, she comes from a large family - they are all useless. None of them call or visit. Any time I suggest for my mother to visit or call - I just get aggro. I think it would benifit my mother to do some sort of socialising but she's not doing anything.

I'm friends with my aunty on Facebook but I am so utterly disgusted with her. There has been nothing more but silence from her for two years - not even a happy birthday message to my mother.

I am thinking of blocking her. She's nothing more but a nosy cow and I bet that's why she befriended me on Facebook in the first place.

I wouldn’t contact anyone who told whopping lies about my children either, no matter how ill they were.

And my aunt never bothered contacting my mum. She had very good reasons not to bother contacting her.

Sleep it off and drink lots of water in the morning.

That is really good advice for everyone to be honest!

OP why don't you just communicate with your aunt? Why don't you just ask her to contact your mum?

No. Your mom lied about your dead cousin? That's really fucked up.

I agree. Lots of water, sleep it off.

What your mother did is unacceptable and downright disgusting.
but somehow your aunt is completely at fault for not having a close enough relationship with your mum?
oh boy… yes drink water and go to sleep

So your mum told an absolute whopper of a lie to your aunt about your aunts dead son and you're still somehow confused as to why your aunt doesn't want to contact your mum??

This. Maybe this has been your mums style for a while and your aunt (rightly) just doesn’t want to buy into the drama and has preferred to step away. Seems sensible. Whatever the background, your aunt doesn’t owe contact to your mum and it’s unreasonable to want to use her as a crutch for your mums social life. You have misplaced and unreasonable expectations.

FTD affects people's social skills and can make them very hard to live with and get along with. Your mum told a massive lie about your aunts dead son and may have done other inappropriate things. I'm not surprised that aunt doesn't want to contact her.

If you really think there is dementia here, the push for a diagnosis. Tell the GP about any personality changes you've seen. If your mum gets a diagnosis, then you could tell the family and explain that her antisocial behaviour was due to the dementia and they might forgive.

But otherwise it is not clear why you are blaming your aunt for something that seems to be your mum's fault.

What was the lie? Has aunt grey rocked your mum?
They could be in denial too perhaps?

Another one who doesn't see why your mum is your aunt's responsibilty. You are completely overreacting, lots of people don't have contact with siblings for one reason or another. It's up to you, and your siblings if you have any, to deal with your mum and get her help.

She's just an aunt. Bin her off.

How can you be fuming with your aunt when you admit your mother told her a terrible lie about her dead son?

Taking away all the other background noise, this sounds like enough to cut contact to me

It sounds like you should be more concerned with getting a diagnosis for your mother.

I would imagine if you have dementia, you don't know what is going on ... Doubt it's a question of just talking/just saying 'My mind is going'. I'd imagine everything seems strange but you don't know why/what is happening, and you'd be scared to even acknowledge it.

My observations is that it's mood, behavioural, waning comprehension and poor spacial awareness and planning and organisation.

Please encourage your DM to have a GP appointment. All the above could be down to, easily treatable, pernicious anaemia, thyroid issues or even Vitamin D deficiency. All quite common in older people. Many things can give the symptoms of dementia, she needs blood tests to rule out other causes.
Focus on helping your DM, rather than your aunt.

To start with, I thought that your Aunt must be a not very nice person, but when you said that your Mum told your Aunt a whopping lie about her own dead son, then for once on mn, the reason is perfectly clear!

Your mum should be apologising to your Aunt, but I imagine she is very hurt.

You work in care @Mynameisspiral you know you need to get your mum to the GP.

Numerous posts started very recently. Is this more important than the hair dryer or tumble dryer?

Well I suppose you need to be angry at someone and it's easier to be angry with her.

It's misplaced though. As you get older unless you have had a particularly strong bond with a sibling then I've realised they start to annoy you more than ever. I really don't seek mine out until it's an absolute necessity. I know many people over 55 like that.

Immediate family are the ones who need to step up when a parent declines. Not aunts, uncles etc. Fine if that elderly person doesn't have children but if they do it's conventional for them to play the key role.

If you want the aunt to visit. Ask her ffs!

And you wonder why your aunt is no contact? First off you need to stop going on google and trying to diagnose people, you could be right but you could also be way off! Does your mum want any contact with her sister, you said she contacted her a year ago to tell her a massive lie but does she attempt to contact her any other times? Sometimes people do drift but also sometimes there is a reason someone chooses to stay away and someone who is willing to lie about a dead relative might just lie to you about the situation

It sounds like your aunt probably has a very good reason for cutting contact with your mum. You seem to have chosen your aunt to put all your anger about your mum onto.

I can't see that aunt has done anything wrong. You need to redirect your attention.

Potential dementia aside, your aunt is grieving for her child. This is a grief like no other. I’ve lost a parent, grandparents and other family members, friends and loved ones. NOTHING came close to the grief I felt for my child (and still feel ten years on).

Many bereaved parents lose interest in communicating with all but a few key people. Even closest members of family and friends come out with the most painful of remarks which make grief so much worse. Making a smaller, but kinder, circle is often self preservation.

Your mum lied about your aunts dead child. Think about that for a second whilst you are directing your anger in your aunts direction.

It is shitty coping with parental old age and dementia alone, but this is not your aunts responsibility or fault.

Your mother told a whopper of a lie to her sister about her sister's deceased son? Your aunt is right to cut contact.

And you sound like you're bitter for being solely lumbered with your mother and that's what your issue is, not your aunt.

I think if a person makes up a lie about someone else's dead child, it shouldn't come as a surprise when that person doesn't want to have much contact afterwards.

Your aunt may have a good reason for cutting contact. You need to move on and stop over-reacting.

Lots of siblings dont get on or have no contact.
I dont think it’s your place to be interfering, you dont know what’s gone on between them.
Both of them could even be developing dementia.
Keep out of it!