Very difficult work situation - menopause related - advice/experiences needed

[Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound]

I'm one of the senior managers in a small marketing & design agency.

One of the other senior managers recently hired a woman into his team. She's got a strong CV with an excellent record and the specific technical experience we were looking for. She's been in the role for a couple of months and the quality of her work has been exemplary.

But. She is suffering very badly with menopause-related symptoms, specifically rage, which appears uncontrollable. In the short time she has been with us she has already caused huge upset within the team by being rude, critical, argumentative, quick to anger, and basically very disruptive. Her presence has completely unbalanced what was previously a pretty harmonious team, and her manager (my colleague) is struggling to control the situation. A couple of the younger members of the team (one man, one woman) have said privately to him that they are finding the situation extremely upsetting and cannot continue working with her.

I know this could be interpreted as her teammates not liking a capable middle-aged woman who speaks her mind, but honestly that isn't what is going on here - her behaviour has been genuinely awful at times and completely unacceptable in the workplace.

Obviously this has been raised with her directly and she is aware of the problem and clearly very upset about it herself, but says that what she is experiencing feels genuinely uncontrollable. She's seeking help via her GP.

We (the management team) are now facing the difficult decision of what to do about the situation. On the one hand, she is doing great work and we have no reason not to believe her that her behaviour is entirely menopause-related - there are no red flags at all in her CV and she was with her previous employer for a long time and had a good reference. She is actively trying to get help. But on the other hand, we have a duty of care to the rest of the team who are on the receiving end of her rage.

It isn't possible to redesign her role to enable her to work independently of the rest of the team - collaboration is part and parcel of the role. So we have the option of either letting her go now (she is still in her probation period) or expecting the team to suck it up until she is able to find something that helps her.

I'm completely torn on this. As a fellow middle aged woman myself, it feels utterly awful that a woman should lose her livelihood because of the impact of something that is beyond her control. But we have a duty of care to our employees who are understandably feeling bruised and upset by her behaviour.

I'd really appreciate hearing from other people who have been in this situation, either as a manager or as employee (either as the one suffering, or as someone who has been impacted by someone who is).

I am willing to be corrected but I would think it is very rare for someone who was previously always calm and professional to suddenly have uncontrollable rages due to menopause. More likely she was already prone to anger and the menopause has exacerbated it.

Yes they are, I’m stunned anyone still thinks this; they can say anything negative they wish as long as it is factual.

however many employers, especially if allowing someone to resign, will not say something negative to enable the employee to get further employment,

amd I agree with the pp, this didn’t just start two months ago when she started this job, so it’s been an ongoing issue. And that means it’s not going to resolve any time soon.

If you (incorrectly) believe previous employers can't say anything negative, how would contacting them help?

I don’t think the previous employer would say anything now. They’re not going to admit to having falsely giving a glowing reference. Or even if they just gave a factual one they’re not going to be unprofessional enough to slag her off now as they’d potentially be worried about any legal implications.

And yes I agree if this was happening before they may well have given a good reference to get rid of her.

From what I understand menopause is like periods and PMT. Different experiences and symptoms depending on the individual person.
According to this, Menopause affects all women differently, so it’s hard to say how rare or common menopause anger is.

https://www.healthline.com/health/menopause/menopause-anger

Definitely though the situation can't continue as it is at OPs workplace. She needs to get help from a GP or menopause specialist. As she seems unfit to work it sounds like she needs to be signed off until she's had treatment.

This thread highlights two issues actually.

First, the still insufficient understanding of menopause including by some GPs.

Second, the consequences of pushing for a disability/sickness benefits system that wants to have more people declared fit for work despite some not actually being fit for work, as seems to be the case here.

HRT solved my uncontrollable rage within 3 weeks. Sadly not before I was sacked from my job.

I would in your situation ask her to take sick leave while she sorts out HRT ( if she can take it of course)

I would also suggest that if she is comfortable she speaks individually to the team members to explain how she's feeling.

In severe cases the rage can be uncontrollable. Its hard to describe how overwhelming it is. The highest suicide rate in women is in the perimenopausal age bracket.

Here I am, correcting you.

Rage is caused by a lack of oestrogen in perimenopause and menopause. Some other symptoms that may appear without any previous history are

Vertigo (lack of oestrogen impacts the inner ear)
Inability to orgasm ( lack of oestrogen causes vaginal atrophy)
Gum disease ( high cortisol levels impact your teeth)
Hair falling out/ becoming dry
Tingling in hands and feet
Hot flushes
Persistent UTI's
Panic attacks
Severe anxiety

These are just random examples. Lack of oestrogen is a killer for some women. I had never experienced any of the symptoms I have listed before.

well yes, I had menopause anger but there is a difference between menopause anger and true UNCONTROLLABLE rage. If that was common surely there would be more incidents of this recorded?

Gosh I am sorry to hear the impact menopause had on your life. I hope your HRT and any other meds are working well for you and you are able to move forward from what must have been a really difficult time in your life.

Could you extend her probation period whilst she's getting help? Might give her meds/treatment time to work and it will give you the time you need to see if there's a change in her behaviour once she's on meds/treatment, without making it harder to let her go if there isn't.
You do have a duty of care to your existing staff, though, and you may just have to ask yourself who you could least afford to lose... her or one/several of them?

Also her work isn’t exemplary if collaboration is a key element of the job. You have to let her go. What if this isn’t a menopause symptom and just what someone has always done. 20-years in a previous role means that behaviours may have been baked in.

I am quite new to my role and I have a manager (she only manages me and no other). My manager is quite clearly experiencing menopause. Unfortunately, I have been struggling with her mood swings and she is mostly passive aggressive and then gets very frustrated and irritable. I find that she uses her menopause as a reason when she has had an outburst, then reflects, then apologises. I try hard to be empathetic but she can be quite cruel and I struggle to understand if it is menopause or if that is the person she always has been.

She can be careless and forgetful. And gets angry when me or someone else has done their homework and solved an issue without her direct input. It's almost as if she thinks we are all out to show her up.

I think it's great and wonderful that most UK companies (Inc where I work) have policies in place to support women through the workplace when they are going through menopause. I will no doubt go through the change in the next 5 to 10 years.

But when women lash out, are rude and disruptive to everyone else in the workplace, it's not fair on everyone else in the workplace.

So, your post resonates with me as a person who has to work with a individual going through menopause, who clearly struggles. There is a duty of care to everyone in the workplace.

Your colleague should either be signed off and signposted to support who can help regulate her moods.
Or
Her probation extended as a last chance for her to improve her temper.

Menopause sucks and every woman goes through it. But it's no excuse for any person to behave like this. Menopause should not be excuse for poor behaviour.

I truly don’t mean to offend, but it’s important that we remember the well-being of all individuals in a workplace environment.

Are you in a position to update, @@Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound ?

I've worked with someone like this (I don't know if it was meno related) but I really wish she'd been sacked. It really affected the teams she was in charge of, people left and others adjusted their ways of working to avoid her.
I'd get rid of you legally can especially as she's in the probation period.

I am.

She was let go. It was regrettable but definitely the right decision. Her immediate teammates were hugely relieved and have fed back how much better the team is working together now.

I'm really glad I asked the question here though, the responses were hugely valuable in making sure we had considered the situation from every angle.