Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Any advice on what to do when discovering family who stayed over without invitation.

59 replies

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:29

Hi all,

My DH and children went on holiday last week. We asked his parents to look after the animals whilst we were gone. Just a pop in and pop out job.

Both my parents and in-laws have a key to the home for when they look after the DC.

Recently, my DM let herself in whilst I was at work to leave some items for me for when I got home. This made me feel uncomfortable as we weren't in a good space relationship-wise. I told my MIL about it and we both agreed that it does feel a bit of a violation. My home is my safe space, I feel really uncomfortable when people pop by unannounced or enter it when I am not home. It feels like an invasion of my privacy.

When we returned, my husband phoned parents up to thank them for looking after the animals.
His parents then told him that they went to see friends in the area and mentioned that they decided to stay round ours and sleep on our sofa whilst we were away as they had both been drinking.
I'm so annoyed and I cannot shake that annoyance.

If they had asked, I probably would have said yes and left out the airbed and bedding.

Also to add, this was not a spur of the moment decision. They told their friends that they didn't ask us because they didn't want to put us out as they knew I would clean and prepare for them. Surely, that's not their decision to make, its mine.

Would you say something or let it slide? They are really nice people and have gone through some stuff lately, and the last thing I want is to upset them, but It's really upset me and made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.
Husband and I are going to be asking for the keys back from both parents, but trying to think of the best way to do it without upsetting them.

OP posts:
Monkeysatonthewall · 31/08/2024 20:31

I think they should've asked.

Birdseyetrifle · 31/08/2024 20:33

I could not be upset about that. They looked after your pets and slept one night in your house. Hardly crime of the year.

Redshoeblueshoe · 31/08/2024 20:33

Of course they should have asked.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Jeezitneverends · 31/08/2024 20:34

Both my parents and in-laws have a key to the home for when they look after the DC.

Think very carefully about this. It’s a bit OTT to be feeling violated. Mildly pissed off would be reasonable

MeAgainAndAgain · 31/08/2024 20:34

Just change the locks. And if they say something, you can ask how they know, as you hadn’t asked them to come in your house.

Agree it’s what the relationship is like. I have close relatives and it would make my skin crawl if they did this. And I have ex flat mates who can do it any time they want as our relationship is equal and loving.

Itsabitweirdinhereinnit · 31/08/2024 20:35

The fact that they knew what they were going to do before, and deliberately didn’t tell you so you didn’t even have the reassurance of making sure your things were clean before they started digging through them is fucking unbelievably disrespectful. I wouldn’t even feel the need to try to be nice over asking for your key back. You don’t have to be nasty about it, just ask for it back.

PattyDuckface · 31/08/2024 20:37

Wouldn't really bother me especially if they were helping me out looking after pets/animals/kids etc.

Seems like you could blow it up to be a massive big deal or just forget about it, and tell them you're fine with it but please ask next time

Also don't give your extended family keys if you feel like it is violating your boundaries when people come in your house.

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 20:38

I would let it slide but I would also change the locks. Put a key safe up and you can change the code every time you need to let them know the current code to gain access. Also invest in something like a Ring doorbell.

pictoosh · 31/08/2024 20:38

Let it slide.

StuckOnTheCeiling · 31/08/2024 20:38

Hmm, I’m a little on the fence. Yes, I totally get why this feels like a massive overstep. But then I think - well would it be an imposition to sit down for a cup of tea? Nuke a ready meal and have dinner? Where’s the line?

Now if they’d slept in your bed that would be an entirely different thing!

usernother · 31/08/2024 20:38

No, they didn't need to ask. They didn't sleep in your bed. They knew you well enough to think sleeping in your beds would annoy you. Your MIL let herself into your house to leave items for you, it was for a good reason. If I was them I'd refuse to do you the favour of looking after your pets when you're away. You sound really ungrateful and nit picking.

DoreenonTill8 · 31/08/2024 20:39

What's the distance between your homes that it's close enough for them to pop in I assume several times a day to care for the animals, but so far they couldn't get home after seeing friends?

HighlandCow78 · 31/08/2024 20:41

A ridiculous overreaction, OP. You don’t mind them doing you a favour and going into the house to feed your animals (presumably unpaid) but as soon as they want a favour it’s overstepping your boundaries? Makes a lot of sense!

Of course they should’ve asked but you’re being incredibly over dramatic. The way you’re talking would make it sound like they’re strangers who’ve ransacked the house.

Andwegoroundagain · 31/08/2024 20:41

Hmm. You are happy to let them look after your animals but not sleep in your house ?
They didn't sleep in your bed, they.just crashed so they could see friends. You were away and expecting them to look after your pets. Be careful here. Pet sitters are expensive and you'd throw away family goodwill for a sofa crash?
My family have keys to my house and I know they'd ask but I wouldn't mind ever if they slept over especially if they were doing me a favour

StormingNorman · 31/08/2024 20:41

made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.

a bit of a violation.

My home is my safe space,

Are we playing psychobabble bingo here? Your PIL slept on the sofa one night while they were doing you a favour.

Happy for you that this constitutes a big problem in your life.

Chillilounger · 31/08/2024 20:43

I would just change the locks

Apolloneuro · 31/08/2024 20:43

Mmm I can see that would be annoying, but I don’t think I’d get in too much of a tizz over it. It’s definitely not a ‘get the key back’ type of incident, in my opinion.

Let’s not forget that the only reason they were in your house in the first place was to do you a favour.

Personally I’d try to shake it off and move on.

NerdWhoEatsMedlar · 31/08/2024 20:43

Change the locks.
Book someone to pet sit.
Pay for the life you want.

MrsKwazi · 31/08/2024 20:44

I would not say anything, be majorly pissed off, tKe my keys back under some ridiculous pretext to keep the peace, never ask them to pet-sit again as they obv cannot be trusted. Yanbu OP

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/08/2024 20:44

StormingNorman · 31/08/2024 20:41

made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.

a bit of a violation.

My home is my safe space,

Are we playing psychobabble bingo here? Your PIL slept on the sofa one night while they were doing you a favour.

Happy for you that this constitutes a big problem in your life.

This. With bells on.

Monkeysatonthewall · 31/08/2024 20:46

MeAgainAndAgain · 31/08/2024 20:34

Just change the locks. And if they say something, you can ask how they know, as you hadn’t asked them to come in your house.

Agree it’s what the relationship is like. I have close relatives and it would make my skin crawl if they did this. And I have ex flat mates who can do it any time they want as our relationship is equal and loving.

Changing the locks is definitely over the top....

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:49

usernother · 31/08/2024 20:38

No, they didn't need to ask. They didn't sleep in your bed. They knew you well enough to think sleeping in your beds would annoy you. Your MIL let herself into your house to leave items for you, it was for a good reason. If I was them I'd refuse to do you the favour of looking after your pets when you're away. You sound really ungrateful and nit picking.

It was my mother who left items after she had a falling out with us over something unrelated. It was a bribe to get me to go back to her without her apologising for her behaviour to the family. Me and MIL were discussing it, and she said that DM should not have done it.

If she had asked to stay the night, I would have been OK with it and I could have prepared. I didn't like the choice being taken away from me.

OP posts:
JoyousPinkPeer · 31/08/2024 20:50

You were upset at your mother also for just dropping things off at your house for you ... thats not normal imo. In laws should have asked, that's overstepping the mark.I would not however be too upset about it, they are family after all, doing me a favour.
Good luck paying for the animals to be looked after every time you go away.

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:52

HighlandCow78 · 31/08/2024 20:41

A ridiculous overreaction, OP. You don’t mind them doing you a favour and going into the house to feed your animals (presumably unpaid) but as soon as they want a favour it’s overstepping your boundaries? Makes a lot of sense!

Of course they should’ve asked but you’re being incredibly over dramatic. The way you’re talking would make it sound like they’re strangers who’ve ransacked the house.

Edited

They were paid

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 31/08/2024 20:54

They should have asked.

But your reaction to this is completely disproportionate and the same to your own mother who obviously thought she was trying to help you by leaving some things you needed. It already sounds as if both sets of parents are helping you out a lot.

These people are you and your husband's own parents and you are treating them like home invaders.