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Original poster

Any advice on what to do when discovering family who stayed over without invitation.

59 replies

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:29

Hi all,

My DH and children went on holiday last week. We asked his parents to look after the animals whilst we were gone. Just a pop in and pop out job.

Both my parents and in-laws have a key to the home for when they look after the DC.

Recently, my DM let herself in whilst I was at work to leave some items for me for when I got home. This made me feel uncomfortable as we weren't in a good space relationship-wise. I told my MIL about it and we both agreed that it does feel a bit of a violation. My home is my safe space, I feel really uncomfortable when people pop by unannounced or enter it when I am not home. It feels like an invasion of my privacy.

When we returned, my husband phoned parents up to thank them for looking after the animals.
His parents then told him that they went to see friends in the area and mentioned that they decided to stay round ours and sleep on our sofa whilst we were away as they had both been drinking.
I'm so annoyed and I cannot shake that annoyance.

If they had asked, I probably would have said yes and left out the airbed and bedding.

Also to add, this was not a spur of the moment decision. They told their friends that they didn't ask us because they didn't want to put us out as they knew I would clean and prepare for them. Surely, that's not their decision to make, its mine.

Would you say something or let it slide? They are really nice people and have gone through some stuff lately, and the last thing I want is to upset them, but It's really upset me and made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.
Husband and I are going to be asking for the keys back from both parents, but trying to think of the best way to do it without upsetting them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:55

JoyousPinkPeer · 31/08/2024 20:50

You were upset at your mother also for just dropping things off at your house for you ... thats not normal imo. In laws should have asked, that's overstepping the mark.I would not however be too upset about it, they are family after all, doing me a favour.
Good luck paying for the animals to be looked after every time you go away.

I pay for a pet service every time we go away, but this clashed with their holiday so I paid PIL the same that I pay the service.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 31/08/2024 20:55

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:52

They were paid

Show quote history

Blinking eck. Don’t families just do favours for each other these days? (Sorry not particularly relevant - although I guess you might be better off just paying someone else next time.)

KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 20:56

Well, you felt violated when your Mum dropped some stuff in for you, so it’s probably safe to assume you’ve wildly overreacted to the other event too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 20:57

Hang on, you paid them to feed your pets?

ItsMeMaria · 31/08/2024 20:59

I think your reaction is too extreme. But if you really feel you cannot have people in your home unsupervised, then ask for your keys back and don't ask for their help with pets in future.

AuCo44 · 31/08/2024 21:00

Complete overreaction.

HighlandCow78 · 31/08/2024 21:00

KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 20:56

Well, you felt violated when your Mum dropped some stuff in for you, so it’s probably safe to assume you’ve wildly overreacted to the other event too.

This..

SummerSplashing · 31/08/2024 21:01

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 20:29

Hi all,

My DH and children went on holiday last week. We asked his parents to look after the animals whilst we were gone. Just a pop in and pop out job.

Both my parents and in-laws have a key to the home for when they look after the DC.

Recently, my DM let herself in whilst I was at work to leave some items for me for when I got home. This made me feel uncomfortable as we weren't in a good space relationship-wise. I told my MIL about it and we both agreed that it does feel a bit of a violation. My home is my safe space, I feel really uncomfortable when people pop by unannounced or enter it when I am not home. It feels like an invasion of my privacy.

When we returned, my husband phoned parents up to thank them for looking after the animals.
His parents then told him that they went to see friends in the area and mentioned that they decided to stay round ours and sleep on our sofa whilst we were away as they had both been drinking.
I'm so annoyed and I cannot shake that annoyance.

If they had asked, I probably would have said yes and left out the airbed and bedding.

Also to add, this was not a spur of the moment decision. They told their friends that they didn't ask us because they didn't want to put us out as they knew I would clean and prepare for them. Surely, that's not their decision to make, its mine.

Would you say something or let it slide? They are really nice people and have gone through some stuff lately, and the last thing I want is to upset them, but It's really upset me and made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.
Husband and I are going to be asking for the keys back from both parents, but trying to think of the best way to do it without upsetting them.

@SparklySparkle29

just change the lock instead!

what will they do when you need childcare?

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:01

CremeEggThief · 31/08/2024 20:54

They should have asked.

But your reaction to this is completely disproportionate and the same to your own mother who obviously thought she was trying to help you by leaving some things you needed. It already sounds as if both sets of parents are helping you out a lot.

These people are you and your husband's own parents and you are treating them like home invaders.

She was not leaving bits I needed to help me. We are usually a self sufficient family. My mother was leaving a bribe. She caused one hell of a fight and rather than apologise, she decided to leave some sweets for DC whilst I was at work.

OP posts:
KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 21:03

A bribe?

Really, op, your responses are very unusual…

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:04

KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 20:57

Hang on, you paid them to feed your pets?

Edited

Yes. Our usual pet service were unavailable and I thought it would take the piss to ask them to do it for free when we usually pay someone.
I don't want them to be out of pocket.

OP posts:
HighlandCow78 · 31/08/2024 21:05

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:01

She was not leaving bits I needed to help me. We are usually a self sufficient family. My mother was leaving a bribe. She caused one hell of a fight and rather than apologise, she decided to leave some sweets for DC whilst I was at work.

Show quote history

Have you considered seeing a therapist about these thoughts and why you seek to isolate yourself so much? Classing your own family as invaders who bring ‘bribes’ is not healthy or normal.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 31/08/2024 21:05

I was going to say I'd be annoyed, but leave it as they were doing you a favour... but they were paid!? They were, in that case, paid to do a single job. They can't just let themselves in to shack up for the night without permission.

Beforetheend · 31/08/2024 21:07

I think your issue with your dm is colouring your reaction to this, probably because you discussed it with mil and from your perspective it seems like she should see the similarity. She’s probably not connecting the two things at all.

We have a tendency to try and make straight lines out of our thoughts. Because you're connecting the two things, you’re ascribing intentions to mil (disrespect etc) but if you could detach from this (and I know it’s hard because it’s triggered the other issue) it’s clear there was kindness and consideration for you in her actions. YANBU because it is an overstep. And parents do overstep with adult dc, because we’re never really as grown up in their eyes as we feel we are. It’s even more annoying as a dil!

I think you could have a straightforward conversation with mil. Let her know you’d happily have hosted her friend, but it made you feel a bit funny not to be asked, then tell her you’re grateful for her help. And then let it be and see what happens going forward.

If there really is a disrespect issue you’ll know but don’t rush to judgement just yet.

And if it comes to it, change the locks and forget to get round to cutting keys. You can blame the other parent in each case.

Choochoo21 · 31/08/2024 21:13

I would have asked but it wouldn’t have bothered me if they stayed.

They are going into your home anyway so it’s not much difference to stay the night.

I would just be so thankful that my pets were looked after.

Going in your home without asking/you knowing would be very different and very rude.

Monkeysatonthewall · 31/08/2024 21:26

OP, I can see others are pointing out about you over reacting etc but I see myself in you.
I am also a worrier, mountain out of a molehill person and I have anxiety which is getting out of hand. Usually very tearful and not enjoying life these days. Wondering if you're experiencing similar things? Sorry I know it's stupid, it's just that I can relate to your sensitivity so much.

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:27

KerryBlues · 31/08/2024 21:03

A bribe?

Really, op, your responses are very unusual…

Yes, because its a separate issue that is being dealt with and is private. I only mentioned the briefest detail as people who have commented are painting her as a Saint, when actually her actions put people at risk. Rather than admitting the dangers or apologising, she is hoping to gift sweets in the hopes that we will open the front door with wide arms and forget the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:29

HighlandCow78 · 31/08/2024 21:05

Have you considered seeing a therapist about these thoughts and why you seek to isolate yourself so much? Classing your own family as invaders who bring ‘bribes’ is not healthy or normal.

Show quote history

No, her behaviour is not healthy or normal. She put people at risk and cannot see that has done anything wrong. I will not be discussing it on here as its personal and being dealt with with appropriate channels.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 31/08/2024 21:44

SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 21:29

No, her behaviour is not healthy or normal. She put people at risk and cannot see that has done anything wrong. I will not be discussing it on here as its personal and being dealt with with appropriate channels.

Show quote history

'Appropriate channels'? 🤨 and putting people at risk? What did she leave peanut m&Ms for someone allergic to peanuts?

BlueFlint · 31/08/2024 21:57

Really surprised by the responses you're getting. I'm completely with you, OP. Of course people should ask before staying the night in your home, even if they have a key and are pet sitting. It's just basic manners, isn't it? I'm sure you would have happily agreed and left out fresh towels and bedding for them. I'd be miffed too. However, I'm also the sort of person who really values my privacy and am usually secretly horrified by e.g. unexpected visitors, so take that as you will. Several people have keys to my house and I'd be pissed if any of them entered without me there and without asking first, unlike apparently most of Mumsnet.

That said, I don't think in your position I'd make this a massive deal. I think you could politely ask them to ask first next time, as you felt a bit weird about it. Perhaps you could also come up with a gentle reason for needing your key back (you can't seem to find your spare set, need one to give to Bob next door as he's going to pop in next week for some reason or other, whatever, and then quietly forget to return it??). I don't think anyone should have a key to your home if you feel uncomfortable with it.

Love51 · 31/08/2024 22:04

StuckOnTheCeiling · 31/08/2024 20:38

Hmm, I’m a little on the fence. Yes, I totally get why this feels like a massive overstep. But then I think - well would it be an imposition to sit down for a cup of tea? Nuke a ready meal and have dinner? Where’s the line?

Now if they’d slept in your bed that would be an entirely different thing!

The line is deliberately not telling. My parents have used my house at short notice previously (as in I'd left the house for the weekend then the need arose) and had they not told me it would have been rude. As it was, they told me and I told them to help themselves to the food in the fridge. It is totally the lack of honesty which is the imposition, not the level of house usage once there!

Apolloneuro · 31/08/2024 22:08

Yes, I’d be pissed off about them not asking. That’s rude.

However, like a pp said, I do think you’re getting this ever so mixed up with what your mum did. They’re not really the same, are they?

Sounds like your mum really messed up, whereas your in laws have maybe just been a bit cheeky. Separate incident/separate responses.

Original poster
SparklySparkle29 · 31/08/2024 22:09

Love51 · 31/08/2024 22:04

The line is deliberately not telling. My parents have used my house at short notice previously (as in I'd left the house for the weekend then the need arose) and had they not told me it would have been rude. As it was, they told me and I told them to help themselves to the food in the fridge. It is totally the lack of honesty which is the imposition, not the level of house usage once there!

Show quote history

Exactly! Thank you so much. I was starting to feel like it was just me who thought this was rude.
I would have been OK with them staying if they had asked, and at least got a pint of milk in for them. And they knew a few days beforehand that they were going to do it so I cannot understand why they didn't just say "would you mind?"

OP posts:
Aswad · 31/08/2024 22:09

I really do despair at the way some people treat their parents.

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/08/2024 22:20

OP I'd say it's your behaviour at question, not theirs. All very weird.